Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[KathyM]

I honestly do not think that BS's who keep it at the forefront for years and years are trying to be intentionally spiteful. I think it is very real fear, the fear that if they let go, it will mean it was "okay" or that if they drop their guard it will happen again. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I know of only 2 cases where I really DO believe the BS is intentionally punishing, and in that case both FWS's make continual excuses for them, so they are making the choice to stay in it. They need their lifelong "mea culpa" and their BS needs the lifelong penance. It's weird and dysfunctional, both they both are participants.

That's too bad. I think at some point, if the relationship is to survive and be healthy, the BS will need to be able to trust their spouse again, and be able to let go of the anger. There are some people who find they are not able to get past it, even after a long attempt at reconciliation. I do think most who genuinely decide to reconcile do so with the intent to work on the relationship and move past the infidelity. Some find that they are not able to get past it. I don't think many stay for the purpose of intentionally tormenting their spouse. Some are just not able to get past it, in which case, the relationship is better off ending. Since the OP's husband decided that this is not something he would be able to get past, at least the relationship was ended amicably.

[janedoe67]

Or are you implying that a man who does decide to stay and reconcile, but experiences mind movies, broken trust, loss of esteem/respect for a WS is somehow of poor character for having those feelings, which are, btw, normal feelings that usually result when an affair is discovered? I would hope you don't expect him to shut down all feelings and sweep the whole thing under the rug, just because he decides to stay and reconcile. While I agree that holding the infidelity over your spouse's head for life as some kind of weapon is destructive and unhealthy, there will naturally be negative feelings that result from infidelity which will take time to process and work through, and these feelings will likely continue for some time after the infidelity occurs. It takes a long time to heal a marriage after infidelity. A long time to rebuild trust.

 

 

But this discussion is getting into issues that are not, at this point, helpful to the OP. My only point in posting was to say that the OP's husband may very well have forgiven her or will be able to forgive her, despite the fact that he chose not to reconcile. I mentioned some of the reasons why a BS may have chosen not to reconcile, and it is not necessarily because they are unable to forgive. A person can forgive, but still choose not to reconcile.

 

No, I am not implying that at all.

 

Sophie, I know you are hurting. BUT you are working on you, you are being the best mother you can to your children, and you are showing respect to your H (exH). The two of you may no longer be married, but you are both choosing to be amicable for your kids. That is a GOOD thing.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree that a BS has to let go of anger. Not sure about giving full trust is necessary.

 

What is necessary is that the WS is trustworthy. If they are, then they would be more than willing, heck even happy to be checked up on.....it would then be a tangible trust that both could see and feel. For the BS, that their partners words are real and for the WS, that they were able to ease their partners mind.

 

Sophie, take pride on how much you have changed so quickly. You did that. You have walked with integrity, even when it hurt you because it was the right thing for your husband. You accepted the consequences of your choices. You made amends when you were given the opportunity to do so. Not many are able/willing to carry such a weight. You are a stronger individual for facing it. Nothing you did was for naught. Everything you have done was you reclaiming your self respect and integrity. Your boys will benefit greatly from having a fierce Mother who faces life eyes wide open.

 

Thank you for sharing a painful part of your life journey.

[peruano99]

You continue doing your own thing Sophie, be happy, be a good mother. Your husband's decision in deciding whether he wants to get back together with you is his to make. Only he can decide if he would like to restart the relationship with you again or not.

[georgia girl]

Sophie,

 

From afar, I was a little afraid that this would happen. Because you were being so kind to your husband and giving him so much berth, he was happy to accept the love and comfort you were providing him. But, when it came to the question of reconciliation, I didn't feel that you were very certain about where he was. He gave you signals - was affectionate, even loving and was very open about doing things with you - but he wouldn't discuss the future. So, the question was hanging out there - would he be willing to reconcile or not?

 

So, I think when you went to marriage counseling, it finally confronted the question hanging between you. What was going to happen, regardless of the divorce?

 

Now, I don't think he's a bad guy or you a bad woman. But, I think that when actually confronted with what you wanted and how the marriage could be fixed, he balked. He may have realized that he was slowly slipping back into a relationship with you and then realized he just couldn't. That may have also helped him to feel calm about the decision to divorce.

 

However, as other posters have said, I don't think this is necessary where the fat lady sings. I think your husband has been avoiding how he feels about the affair and you, while you've confronted all of this head on. So, I think he's stepped back and said, "Whoa, I can't go there." But, I think it's just for right now. I think in a few weeks, something will come up again and somehow naturally put the two of you together and it will be awkward, but it will break the ice. And then, something else, and then, just maybe then, the true reconciliation can happen.

 

All along, you were facing things, talking about things, dealing with consequences and working on yourself. Your husband, whose world was likely absolutely blown apart, wasn't ready to do that yet. Now, I think, he's beginning to do that. In that sense, I think the marriage counseling session was the one thing - even if you felt like it moved you backwards - that has actually moved you forward.

 

Let him process and heal now. I think as he does, it will be telling. He may still move away from you, but I actually think you have a better shot now that he may actually start to heal and come back to you.

 

Good luck.

 

GG

[Danielle1114]

The more scary something is, the more you are scared. When pressured, something that is afraid lashes out and then tries to get away.

 

Your intentions may be good and sustained. Unfortunately this has to be done the hard way. And really any other alternative is not going to work.

 

180.

 

Not to punish him, but to step way back. Leave him alone to process and work out what his life will be. He doesn't know. The more family interaction you try to get and the more personal/committment you try to get from him, the less he will want to be present.

 

Let him be. I know it sounds scary.

 

And in the meantime you can take care of your side of things. Self care, do things you like, live life.

 

I have been there, though I am the BW. Detachment from outcome is not a bad thing. It gives your mind clarity and with clarity productive choices are made.

[ChooseTruth]

Congrats on the job! That's awesome.

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Divorce is one of the worst things ever.

 

I'd say try to be detached from whatever outcome but know that things can change. You've seen huge changes in him from bad to good before. I think given he wanted to finalize the divorce and the fact that you guys stirred up some stuff in MC, this was fairly predictable.

 

It's a low point for you. Things will get better one way or another.

[miguelcervantes]

Sofie, I am really sorry to hear that the deeper pain has now started. As many have said this is not out of the ordinary and was expected. It does not change the fact that you both love each other, but, as you know and understandably, your husband has expected problems with coping with this and reconciling his feelings.

 

Talking about and even expecting divorce is one thing, but when it happens, the finality is completely different - not just for you but for him too!

 

There can never be any guarantees or certainty in a situation like this which is why you have to learn to cope and work on yourself. So far, you have done better than most! They say that one of God's greatest creations is "another day". And you need to be best prepared for this "another day" - whatever it brings.

 

So I will ask - what are you going to do to heal yourself ? You have a job and that's a good start. Are you fit ? Do you do something (apart from bringing up your kids) that you enjoy ? (Go join a women's futbol team - just joking). Maybe, if you have time, volunteer to help others on a very part-time basis.

 

Make sure that you have a good support network around you to help - your sister and maybe other friends and family.

 

You say that you have no intention of dating again in the near future - good for you!

You say that you will respect your ex-husband's distance - again, good for you!

You say that you will keep the door open for him (without obsessing about it) to ensure he knows you still love him - again, good for you!

 

All of this plus focussing on yourself will make good Sofie into great Sofie:)

 

I am truly hopeful that he will see this and hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive and give you both another chance at happiness - he may not and that would be the norm but unfortunate because, in this case, I truly believe the happiness would be so much sweeter.

 

Whatever happens, I am confident that you will emerge a better person because you are smart, strong and loving - what a combination! Make it work for you in the best possible way.

 

Stay strong and stay good Sofie - this (your life) is far from over!

[Lokahi117]

I think this is not a clear cut sign that he wants out completely. I do agree marriage counseling was a poor idea. On the basis that he has trouble trusting people, would tell me that he is not a great candidate to go to a total stranger and discuss the most humiliating thing a man can experience.

 

This is man is very guarded and I would think the counselors often handle the situation a bit haphazardly in that they seek to address marriage issues that are really huge in often the first session. Like they are discussing a tiff over which restaurant to go to for date night.

 

He, like many men, is now like a tiger that had been caged. What brought him into the cage vanished (the fidelity, trust, loyalty) and he was still stuck there. Then the split happened and the cage was lifted. Now he was permitted to still go back to area that he had been caged into before, without the cage trapping him in.

 

So naturally, he approaches the former caged area with a great deal of trepidation and caution. He doesn't want to get to near the center as he fears the cage may still be looming above. But he becomes more and more comfortable with being in the area he loved so much. But still very easily spooked by any thought of feeling that The cage may come back down.

 

Now enter talk about the future.......and it's......."okay tiger, don't worry, we just want to talk about putting the cage back down......and yes I'm the total stranger whom assumes I can help you, even though my actions show that I didn't really understand or respect the fact that you are very slow to trust or feel safe."

 

And he bolts.

 

But I promise you, he lays awake at night and misses that special area of his jungle. Where he really longs to be........but I doubt he will ever want to be there again if the cage is part of the deal.

 

 

So I would not give up on him. I would not "give him space" etc etc. Men don't want space. They want to be pursued. Not a man in here can say he doesn't like the feeling of knowing a women wants him. It's does huge things for his ego (which in this case has taken a huge beating).

 

It's way more comfortable for a person to "move on" and keep their pride intact, than it is for a person to pursue a man or women that shows no real interest.

 

You've wronged him. His pride is huge and now it's masked by an even larger humiliation.

 

I mean Sophie. Imagine he wants to be with you on some level, but he has all of his friends and family and other men and society (in his mind) all thinking he would be weak for doing this.

 

You have to see that the only way for him to kind of save face is to be able to show that you are the rare exception to the rule of a mans lady is not worth a second chance once the lady takes another man into her most intimate embrace.

 

I recently watched a bunch of YouTube videos about cheaters. The show.......I know, i know......it's bad.

 

But I watched more for the reaction of the masses in the comments to the various scenarios. And almost without exception, the comments on a man who's lady stepped out on him, and he looked to take her back. They were all about how he's a loser, he deserves to get cheated on, he's not a real man. Etc etc.

 

This shows a clear feeling that exists in our society that men with any self respect have only one recourse on a cheating lady. To leave her a$$.

 

So, you've got find ways he can save face. This is when most people give up. They don't give up when things are going well. They give up when things are hard. So you have to try to rise above this and keep on keeping on. He is playing a game (though I don't think he knows he is) where he is trying to avoid you because he doesn't trust himself around you.

 

He fears he won't he able to do the"right" thing. What all of society is echoing in his subconcious. To resist and leave you. But I am sure. If you and he were transported to a deserted land where only you and he were. He would be with you. He could forgive it.

 

But it's everything else, everyone else, and his perceived opinions that they would have of him for being with you that will fuel his running from you. So you just have to chase him faster than he's running from you.

 

And hopefully.......you two will find yourselves having outrun everyone else's opinions and find each other in your embrace.

[Friskyone4u]

Sofie

 

If any WW deserves a second chance it is you. I believe the posters that have explained to you how your affair and the circumstances of the discovery have struck at the core of your husbands masculinity. But thee is no doubt he still loves you and I believe that eventually you two may get back together unless one of you cannot wait and wind up with someone else.

You do have some things to be thankful for. Your family has been supportive and you are not destitute despite losing your job.

I don't believe you can ever pinpoint exactly what makes a person make the final decision to cheat . Circumstances that could be any combination of things caused you to put yourself in a position where it was a simple bad decision that started it. The. The excitement and good sex made it thrilling and naughty.

You are NOT a serial cheater and I do not think you are a broken person that needs tons of therapy to fix. In the future , with your husband or your new man, you just need to work on maintaining your boundaries with men.

I did not go through all the hurt that your his and has had because the behavior of my xWW was so outrageous it made the decisions simple and final.

I guess in a way that was a blessing .

 

I hope it all works out for you

[Sofie2013]

The last couple of posts have been about me continuing to fight for a chance at reconciliation. I understand why many of you feel that way and it’s what I really want too. I don’t think it’s going to happen. My husband has been completely cold towards me for almost three weeks and the last time we saw each other was last Wednesday the day the divorce was finalized. As of right now he goes out of his way to avoid any kind of contact with me. He doesn’t even come to pick up the boys at home anymore he picks from school. It pretty clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me and that his choice. This is what he wants and the way he’s acting reinforces that. It’s not what I wanted to happen I wanted second chance, chance to save what we had and I would do anything to get another chance. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. Right now I have nothing to go off of. He’s not giving me anything but silence. The only thing I can to do now is to continue work on myself and hope, pray. That’s really all I can do at this point. Reconciliation takes two I can’t do it on my own I need him to give me something if he doesn’t then I have nothing to build on.

[whichwayisup]

That chance may or may not come. Who knows what the future holds, stranger things have happened. Though, with that said, his feelings towards infidelity overall and his recent actions of filing for a divorce and the D going through IS the action which says he's done.

 

Hang in there, work on you, be the mom your kids love and adore and some day when your H is ready, you two will be on more friendly terms for the kids sake.

[Raven3321]

The last couple of posts have been about me continuing to fight for a chance at reconciliation. I understand why many of you feel that way and it’s what I really want too. I don’t think it’s going to happen. My husband has been completely cold towards me for almost three weeks and the last time we saw each other was last Wednesday the day the divorce was finalized. As of right now he goes out of his way to avoid any kind of contact with me. He doesn’t even come to pick up the boys at home anymore he picks from school. It pretty clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me and that his choice. This is what he wants and the way he’s acting reinforces that. It’s not what I wanted to happen I wanted second chance, chance to save what we had and I would do anything to get another chance. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. Right now I have nothing to go off of. He’s not giving me anything but silence. The only thing I can to do now is to continue work on myself and hope, pray. That’s really all I can do at this point. Reconciliation takes two I can’t do it on my own I need him to give me something if he doesn’t then I have nothing to build on.

 

 

.....wait.

[BHsigh]

Sophie,

 

Here I come with the opposite advice as everyone else again. I don't think that you should wait for him (specifically), I doubt very much that this is what he's expecting from you, it may have even hurt your chances. It has been long enough for him to decide, it's been what, about 6 months now? What you did was terrible, we all know this, but after this long, your ex would have given you strong hints towards reconciliation, prefereably he would have talked to you about it by now.

 

Sitting and waiting will not do any good for you, him or your kids. It's time to start working on making Sopie the best woman that she can possibly be, it's time for you to learn how to be happy on your own. Enjoy being a single mother, you are lucky enough to have a man that sounds like he's a great father to your children, many single parents don't even have that.

 

I'm an anonymous no-one, I know, but I would recommend that you stay single for at least a year or two (dates here and there are allowed of course, just stay away from commited relationships). Now I'm not saying that to be judgmental in any way, it's merely to give you an extended period of time to learn that real happiness comes from within.

 

I feel that all of this talk of waiting for him is the wrong path. Once you start really living he may come back, or he may not, but don't live just for that. You've come so far and have grown so much, you need to finish this process.

[signpost]

I wanted second chance, chance to save what we had and I would do anything to get another chance.

 

Sometimes, in certain situations you might not get second chances - especially in the circumstance of the discovery of your affair. He had suffered heavily, knowing that you had been spending time with the AP and to come home and act normal. That image of you will probably stick with him for life. He doesn't want to walk that path again. He has had enough time to process the 'what if' scenarios in his mind. Trust has been broken and it had been broken in the most terrible way. It'll probably take years for him to turn around. This is the burden of infidelity. A BS has to carry it a lot more & lot longer than a WS. You'd probably start looking for a new relationship in the near future, but I bet it's going to take a lot longer for him to truly recover. What have you really lost? You have your home, you have your kids half the time and some other support - All you're lacking is a relationship partner. While he had lost his future, his sense of trust, his home & full-time with his children. He now has to begin his life from the ground up. I would never wish this curse of Infidelity on the worst of my enemies. Thanks

[peruano99]

Continue being a good person Sophie and just focus on doing the right things in life now. Be a good mother, which I am sure you are, and if things are meant to be, he will come back. If he doesn't come back, then at least you can say you gave it a chance.

[Fluttershy]

Sometimes, in certain situations you might not get second chances - especially in the circumstance of the discovery of your affair. He had suffered heavily, knowing that you had been spending time with the AP and to come home and act normal. That image of you will probably stick with him for life. He doesn't want to walk that path again. He has had enough time to process the 'what if' scenarios in his mind. Trust has been broken and it had been broken in the most terrible way. It'll probably take years for him to turn around. This is the burden of infidelity. A BS has to carry it a lot more & lot longer than a WS. You'd probably start looking for a new relationship in the near future, but I bet it's going to take a lot longer for him to truly recover. What have you really lost? You have your home, you have your kids half the time and some other support - All you're lacking is a relationship partner. While he had lost his future, his sense of trust, his home & full-time with his children. He now has to begin his life from the ground up. I would never wish this curse of Infidelity on the worst of my enemies. Thanks

 

Sophie has lost a lot more than him. Some refuse to see that the remorseful wayward suffers greatly in their own way. All those things you mentioned are her losses to only it is all her fault. Thatis a heavy burden to carry.

 

I'd rather be a bs than a ws anyday.

[sidney2718]

The last couple of posts have been about me continuing to fight for a chance at reconciliation. I understand why many of you feel that way and it’s what I really want too. I don’t think it’s going to happen. My husband has been completely cold towards me for almost three weeks and the last time we saw each other was last Wednesday the day the divorce was finalized. As of right now he goes out of his way to avoid any kind of contact with me. He doesn’t even come to pick up the boys at home anymore he picks from school. It pretty clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me and that his choice. This is what he wants and the way he’s acting reinforces that. It’s not what I wanted to happen I wanted second chance, chance to save what we had and I would do anything to get another chance. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. Right now I have nothing to go off of. He’s not giving me anything but silence. The only thing I can to do now is to continue work on myself and hope, pray. That’s really all I can do at this point. Reconciliation takes two I can’t do it on my own I need him to give me something if he doesn’t then I have nothing to build on.

 

Sophie: he may have gone cold on you because he doesn't trust himself to see you in person. You related a number of pre-divorce occasions recently in which he seemed to enjoy being with you.

 

Waiting can be very hard. I can't presume to tell you what to do. But I still think it will work out.

[drifter777]

I think you have made a great decision for YOU. Its time to face reality - at least today's reality - and try to move forward with your life. The more work you do to understand who you are and why you cheated, the stronger you will become. The more time that passes between your last real encounter with your Ex-Husband will make it easier to accept his decision.

 

I think you have learned a tough lesson but I have no idea whether you will cheat on your next SO. Deep down it just might be who you are so if you want to change it you need counseling.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie,

 

Here I come with the opposite advice as everyone else again. I don't think that you should wait for him (specifically), I doubt very much that this is what he's expecting from you, it may have even hurt your chances. It has been long enough for him to decide, it's been what, about 6 months now? What you did was terrible, we all know this, but after this long, your ex would have given you strong hints towards reconciliation, prefereably he would have talked to you about it by now.

 

Sitting and waiting will not do any good for you, him or your kids. It's time to start working on making Sopie the best woman that she can possibly be, it's time for you to learn how to be happy on your own. Enjoy being a single mother, you are lucky enough to have a man that sounds like he's a great father to your children, many single parents don't even have that.

 

I'm an anonymous no-one, I know, but I would recommend that you stay single for at least a year or two (dates here and there are allowed of course, just stay away from commited relationships). Now I'm not saying that to be judgmental in any way, it's merely to give you an extended period of time to learn that real happiness comes from within.

 

I feel that all of this talk of waiting for him is the wrong path. Once you start really living he may come back, or he may not, but don't live just for that. You've come so far and have grown so much, you need to finish this process.

 

 

I haven’t just been sitting and waiting for him. I know it sounds like that’s all have been doing but I have been working on myself for a while now. My counselor has been pushing me to do things on my own and find what makes happy outside of being a mother and wife. I have tried to find what those things are. I stared play tennis again, going to the gym trying to remain active. I also go out and enjoy the city with my sisters when we have time. Obviously the way he acts affects the way I feel and that’s what I usually post about. I’m still feel emotionally connected to him probably more then I should and I let it dictate the way I feel I agree that isn’t healthy. And he is great father.

 

I plan to remain single for a while I’m not ready to date anyone. The only person I’m willing to be with right now is my Ex-husband but besides him I don’t want to be with anyone. Trust me I don’t want to be involved with any serious relationship if that not with my ex. Like I said I’m not ready for that. If I can’t be with my ex then I rather be alone and just focus on me and find my own happiness with my boys

[Sofie2013]

.....wait.

 

I’m not going anywhere any time soon. If he decides in few months he wants to give it a try then I would be more than happy if that happens. I just don’t plan to place my life on hold and put all my eggs in that one basket. Hell even if he stats giving me signs he wants to try to work it out I will give it everything I got.

[BHsigh]

I haven’t just been sitting and waiting for him. I know it sounds like that’s all have been doing but I have been working on myself for a while now. My counselor has been pushing me to do things on my own and find what makes happy outside of being a mother and wife. I have tried to find what those things are. I stared play tennis again, going to the gym trying to remain active. I also go out and enjoy the city with my sisters when we have time. Obviously the way he acts affects the way I feel and that’s what I usually post about. I’m still feel emotionally connected to him probably more then I should and I let it dictate the way I feel I agree that isn’t healthy. And he is great father.

 

I plan to remain single for a while I’m not ready to date anyone. The only person I’m willing to be with right now is my Ex-husband but besides him I don’t want to be with anyone. Trust me I don’t want to be involved with any serious relationship if that not with my ex. Like I said I’m not ready for that. If I can’t be with my ex then I rather be alone and just focus on me and find my own happiness with my boys

 

I'm glad to hear that Sophie, and I apologize if it came across that I thought that you were sitting around waiting and doing nothing. I just gave that advice based on the comments to wait for him.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie has lost a lot more than him. Some refuse to see that the remorseful wayward suffers greatly in their own way. All those things you mentioned are her losses to only it is all her fault. Thatis a heavy burden to carry.

 

I'd rather be a bs than a ws anyday.

 

 

I think both BS and WS suffer. And I kind of agree with you foremost part. It seems in the short run the BS suffers a lot more but in the long run they seem to be able to move on a lot better than a remorseful WS. Just in my personal life most of the BS I know all seems to be doing great.

 

I don't think anyone would want to be WS, I know a lot of us wish we could go back in time and change what we did

[Sofie2013]

I'm glad to hear that Sophie, and I apologize if it came across that I thought that you were sitting around waiting and doing nothing. I just gave that advice based on the comments to wait for him.

 

Its OK, I know at times I come across like that's the only thing i'm doing

[road]

sofie2013, do not date for at least 1 year. Because if you are and your BH finds out it will kill any thoughts he had warming up to recovery.

 

 

Plan a family activity with the kids and include BH. Make him have a nice time with you and the kids. This will make him see what he is missing.

 

 

If BH will not go send BH photos from that outing showing him the fun his missed. Have the kids tell him they had a great time and dad should of come.