Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Pastypop]

Wow, this divorce is really going along quickly. It sounds like he has wanted out the marriage for a long time but, didn't want to look like the bad guy. Your affair looks like it was just the opportunity he was waiting for. If you are not ready to sign the divorce papers, then by all means don't. Tell your lawyer that the divorce, the breakup of your family and the loss of your job is just too much to deal with right now and that you need time to grieve and help your children deal with all the change. You are not in the right frame of mind right now to sign papers and your spouse knows this which is why he is in such a rush. He is responsible for your job loss. In this economy and being the time of year it is, it is going to take awhile to find another job. You should also go for child support so you can stay home for awhile to help your children adjust. Also, you should never ever tell them you cheated on their dad otherwise, you will lose them too. Sorry, you are going though this. Tell your husband he will get his divorce when your good and ready and stop apologizing to him and chasing after him. Seriously, what else can he do? He moved out, trashed your reputation, got you fired and is trying to shame you into accepting his terms. Take your time, grieve and get some control of this thing or you will really regret not doing so down the road.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah he’s on board. He never intended to my boys about the affair but he didn’t want to lie to them. in the end he decided to support whichever way I decided to approach the situation.

 

If my husband does change his mind in the future, I wouldn’t have problem telling them. I would like to be the one to tell if that time comes. I would like him to tell me first although. It would bother me if he just did it out of the blue.

 

Keep putting your best foot in front of you, Sofie. Make decisions you can be proud of. Before you know it, you'll be proud of yourself again. In the meantime, each step is one towards the potential for forgiveness. There are a lot of rewards for living an honest and authentic life. Making exceptions for the children is rare for me (I still keep up with Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy). I also lie when birthdays are coming up. I think intent matters to most people. So do actions. It's tough when you screw up royally. I have a couple of those, too. An affair doesn't need to define you.

[janedoe67]

Keep putting your best foot in front of you, Sofie. Make decisions you can be proud of. Before you know it, you'll be proud of yourself again. In the meantime, each step is one towards the potential for forgiveness. There are a lot of rewards for living an honest and authentic life. Making exceptions for the children is rare for me (I still keep up with Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy). I also lie when birthdays are coming up. I think intent matters to most people. So do actions. It's tough when you screw up royally. I have a couple of those, too. An affair doesn't need to define you.

 

This is an amazing post. I had to quote it.

[Trimmer]

Can you explain how you found out the truth? How old were you and how did you feel when you found out that things were different than what you were told as a child?

The point is, things were exactlyas they were told: their parents broke up, they lived separately, and they both still loved the kids. Things weren't different than what they were told; things turned out exactly that way.

 

Now, it's still a completely fair and interesting question for discussion: how did you find out the rest of the truth and how did you process that?

 

But what they were told was what I call the age appropriate truth. They never "found out that things were different than what they were told" because they weren't.

Edited October 14, 2013 by Trimmer

[Chi townD]

Well, today is probably going to be the toughest day in your life. But, you need to be strong right now because your twins are going to need you to be. This is when reality is going to kick in for them. When you told them of the divorce they may have been acting in some sort of denial because Dad was still in the house, so it didn't make sense to them. But, tonight...Dad isn't coming home, they're gonna start to realize that sh*t just got real.

 

So, even though it's the worst day of your life and you just want to sink in a hole, you need to be strong for those boys.

[Sofie2013]

Last night was somewhat weird. After we put the kids to sleep my husband and I went down stairs to talk about the kids and how things are going to work. We talked for a while and went to sleep. Later that night my husband came to my bedroom and initiated sex and we made love and cuddle the rest of the night which was great. The morning was the weird part we cuddle again for about an hour. He got up give me a kiss and went to take a shower. He got out of the shower came back give me another kiss and told he loved me and was going to miss. It was the first time he told me he loved me in months so I did feel good. I know it doesn’t mean much since he still moving out but it still was a nice morning.

[Sofie2013]

Wow, this divorce is really going along quickly. It sounds like he has wanted out the marriage for a long time but, didn't want to look like the bad guy. Your affair looks like it was just the opportunity he was waiting for. If you are not ready to sign the divorce papers, then by all means don't. Tell your lawyer that the divorce, the breakup of your family and the loss of your job is just too much to deal with right now and that you need time to grieve and help your children deal with all the change. You are not in the right frame of mind right now to sign papers and your spouse knows this which is why he is in such a rush. He is responsible for your job loss. In this economy and being the time of year it is, it is going to take awhile to find another job. You should also go for child support so you can stay home for awhile to help your children adjust. Also, you should never ever tell them you cheated on their dad otherwise, you will lose them too. Sorry, you are going though this. Tell your husband he will get his divorce when your good and ready and stop apologizing to him and chasing after him. Seriously, what else can he do? He moved out, trashed your reputation, got you fired and is trying to shame you into accepting his terms. Take your time, grieve and get some control of this thing or you will really regret not doing so down the road.

 

 

The divorce is far from over its going to take at least another 3-4 months from now. So I have time to take it all in.

 

He’s not responsible for my job loss. I was the one sleeping with my boss. at the end of the day I was going to lose my job regardless. Going for child support can end up doing more damage than good the way he plan to proceed works out better for the kids a lot less change would be involved. Besides my husband made it clear if I ever need anything for the kids he only a phone calls away.

 

Don’t agree with the last part at all playing hard ball with him is a big no no. Even my lawyer thinks so the fact of the situation is my husband holds all the cards. Also he hasn’t trashed my reputation I have done that my myself and I lost my job because of other reason not just because of the affair.

 

I’m not accepting his terms because of guilty and shame I’m doing it because both my lawyer and I think is what’s best for me as of now. my lawyer believe what my husband offering is very fair.

[Sofie2013]

Well, today is probably going to be the toughest day in your life. But, you need to be strong right now because your twins are going to need you to be. This is when reality is going to kick in for them. When you told them of the divorce they may have been acting in some sort of denial because Dad was still in the house, so it didn't make sense to them. But, tonight...Dad isn't coming home, they're gonna start to realize that sh*t just got real.

 

So, even though it's the worst day of your life and you just want to sink in a hole, you need to be strong for those boys.

 

Well today does suck. The boys don’t have school so my husband took the day off to spend it with them. I don’t think tonight going to be as bad. The kids are somewhat used to having one of us being gone for a few days at a time and my husband out of the two of us has traveled the most. I think the kids will start to realize everything in the weeks to come not some much now.

 

I know I have to stay strong for them and it’s hard. It’s like very thing I see is a constant reminder of what used and how I lost it all. All of our dreams, plans for the future and chance to have more kid’s gone things that took years to build gone. I took it all for granted and now I’m going to lose it all.

[Sofie2013]

I think the hardest thing would be there always being a chance to begin again until he falls in love with another woman. I know had my H an I split i would hve hoped until he put a ring on another woman's finger that he would find it in his heart to give me a second chance.

 

I feel for you sophie.

 

 

Yeah me too, I’m still holding out hope that one day he would take me back and give me a chance to make things right.

[Chi townD]

So, if this is, indeed, the end. You have to start fixing yourself. Continue to go to individual counseling. He seems like he accepted that the marriage is over. So, sooner or later, you're going to have to figure out how to co-parent together. And also, sooner or later you're going to have to taper him off sexually, the last thing you need is to be treated like a booty call. You may think you're heading in the direction of reconciling where he might think of you as his piece on the side until he starts dating seriously again. Which isn't fair to you to keep you strung along with false hope.

 

Not trying to be mean, I just want you to be mindful of that possibility.

[Sofie2013]

Its official my husband has moved out.

 

He spent most of the day with the kids. He had fun day with the kids took them to chuck e cheese and to the movies the boys had great time they enjoyed them self’s. We both put the boys to sleep and talked for a few minutes. He told he loved and if I ever need anything all I had to do was call. I asked him again to stay are try to work it. He told me he was sorry he just wasn’t one of those people who could forgive and that’s some people are strong enough to get past something like this and other just aren’t. I told him I loved him and I will always love him and he didn’t have to be sorry and if any should be sorry it should be me. He give me kiss and left and he would talk the kids tomorrow.

 

The kids seemed to handle saying good bye to him ok. I don’t think they realize what’s happening yet. In few weeks it should become real to them. I don’t understand or comprehend everything right now. I do feel for them I broke there happy home without given it a second thought. They deserve so much more.

[KathyM]

Your husband is really dealing with this in a kind way. He will probably forgive you in time, but he realizes he can't live with the broken trust. Some people are able to reconcile and rebuild trust after a long period of time if the WS is truly remorseful and shows over time that they can be trusted again. Many BS's are not able to recover from the broken trust, or they realize that they can no longer trust the person, and are not willing to invest time and emotions into trying to make it work after a betrayal. They may be able to forgive the WS eventually, but realize they can no longer trust them. Oftentimes, a WS does not get a second chance. That's the reality that people discover when engaging in an affair.

[lindsay1990]

Sofie, I'm really sorry to hear things have materialized in such a sad way. I really don't know what to say except that now you are oficially a single* mother and youbhqve to put your absolute best effort into securing a new job and stability. Marriage has closed at least for this act, if it's not to be the last, and the next task at hand is reestablishing yourself independently.

 

But, as for your husband, as long as the both of you are alive and straight, no one is to say it can't happen. And even if he says he can't forgive, who knows? He might be singing a different tune in one year. Love and life happen in crazy ways, and so does the heart so again, try try try, steady and decidedly every day if it's what you want.

[Trimmer]

Wow, this divorce is really going along quickly. It sounds like he has wanted out the marriage for a long time but, didn't want to look like the bad guy. Your affair looks like it was just the opportunity he was waiting for. If you are not ready to sign the divorce papers, then by all means don't. Tell your lawyer that the divorce, the breakup of your family and the loss of your job is just too much to deal with right now and that you need time to grieve and help your children deal with all the change. You are not in the right frame of mind right now to sign papers and your spouse knows this which is why he is in such a rush. He is responsible for your job loss. In this economy and being the time of year it is, it is going to take awhile to find another job. You should also go for child support so you can stay home for awhile to help your children adjust. Also, you should never ever tell them you cheated on their dad otherwise, you will lose them too. Sorry, you are going though this. Tell your husband he will get his divorce when your good and ready and stop apologizing to him and chasing after him. Seriously, what else can he do? He moved out, trashed your reputation, got you fired and is trying to shame you into accepting his terms. Take your time, grieve and get some control of this thing or you will really regret not doing so down the road.

I think the OP herself has pointed out that many of these points mischaracterize her situation.

 

But I will reemphasize that just because a spouse takes a firm stand and moves forward with a divorce, you can't infer that "he has wanted out of the marriage for a long time," and "the affair was the opportunity he was waiting for..."

 

The whole reason she has an attorney is to advise her objectively on exactly the kinds of things you are concerned about - specifically, the fairness of the settlement, parenting arrangements, etc.

 

"Shame her" into accepting his terms? Her attorney is telling her that they are reasonable and fair... Ever heard of a divorce attorney who would back down and not push back on behalf of a client who was offered a shameful deal? Can you please point out where there's any evidence of shaming going on?

 

I was much like the OP's husband in our divorce; although not initially as firm and confident in moving forward, once things were obviously headed that way, I eventually ran the show, and while I had all the emotional ground to be an ***hole about things, it was my goal to wrap things up and end it simply and quickly. I put a fair amount of energy into making sure things were fairly balanced. I spent a whole evening and a sheet of math calculations figuring out how much of the contributions and investment growth of a retirement fund happened after we were married, so that I could give her the half of that part to which she is entitled in our state. In spite of her F-ing up our marriage, and seeing my own life plans spiral down the tubes, I wanted to offer the precisely fair arrangement that would work for both sides, specifically so we wouldn't have to deal with fights and negotiations and shame, so that we could move on quickly in the best emotional state to do what had to come next: work together as parents to continue raising our children.

 

I'm not pointing this out to blow my own horn - I don't care what anyone thinks of me on here and we'll never meet anyway. I just wanted to point out a very realistic possibility as to how the OP's husband might be thinking, and it has nothing to do with "wanting out of the marriage for a long time", "shaming her" and so on...

[miguelcervantes]

Last night was somewhat weird. After we put the kids to sleep my husband and I went down stairs to talk about the kids and how things are going to work. We talked for a while and went to sleep. Later that night my husband came to my bedroom and initiated sex and we made love and cuddle the rest of the night which was great. The morning was the weird part we cuddle again for about an hour. He got up give me a kiss and went to take a shower. He got out of the shower came back give me another kiss and told he loved me and was going to miss. It was the first time he told me he loved me in months so I did feel good. I know it doesn’t mean much since he still moving out but it still was a nice morning.

 

 

Its official my husband has moved out.

 

He spent most of the day with the kids. He had fun day with the kids took them to chuck e cheese and to the movies the boys had great time they enjoyed them self’s. We both put the boys to sleep and talked for a few minutes. He told he loved and if I ever need anything all I had to do was call. I asked him again to stay are try to work it. He told me he was sorry he just wasn’t one of those people who could forgive and that’s some people are strong enough to get past something like this and other just aren’t. I told him I loved him and I will always love him and he didn’t have to be sorry and if any should be sorry it should be me. He give me kiss and left and he would talk the kids tomorrow.

 

The kids seemed to handle saying good bye to him ok. I don’t think they realize what’s happening yet. In few weeks it should become real to them. I don’t understand or comprehend everything right now. I do feel for them I broke there happy home without given it a second thought. They deserve so much more.

 

Sofie, this man seriously loves you and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and torture that he is going through. Ignore any advice that suggests anything less of him and please work on being remorseful and true to the person you should aspire to be. You are coping with this well and my advice is to carry on showing him the love, respect, empathy and support that you have - despite the horrendous thing that you have done to him I am still rooting for you.

[petee]

I too am rooting for you, things will come good as he obviously still loves you he just needs space to grieve and get his head together. Give it time and make sure whenever you see he he gets a 'wow' when he lays eyes on you!

[aliveagain]

Some of us betrayed spouse's just can' t tolerate infidelity, zero tolerance. I agree that he doesn't want to loose you and his children to another man. Time may change things, being single isn't as much fun as it's made out to be on television. Sofie there is always hope.

[jimmytwowheels]

Sofie I hope in my deepest being that SOME day you might get a chance to reunite with your man and have a second chance.

 

But what I really got out of this is that everyone considering cheating should read this thread, and realize what they stand to lose. As the old saying is - you don't know what you have until you lose it. Sofie has lost it now, and she is realizing that she made a mistake that may forever build a wall between her and the man of her life.

 

It's the ultimate warning story.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This reminds me of the song by Joni Mitchell:Big Yellow Taxi.

 

 

Not all WS get the chance to R. That is the reality. And for those that had what many would consider a fairly good marriage, it makes it even more heartbreaking.

 

I know many souls, that years, decades later....regret deeply..that they anted up their whole life, for what in the end...was meaningless sex. Its an awful burden to put on oneself.

 

 

Coolit, it might not be about forgiving. One can forgive..and decide not to have the other person in their life. Its about knowing yourself, what you can handle, and what you can live with.

[drifter777]

Sofie2013: I will keep advising you to accept your situation and move forward with your life. If your STBXH changes his mind on reconciliation he will tell you and you can decide whether you want to pursue it at that time. For now I believe the best thing for you is to deal with reality and help your kids get through this with as little damage as possible. You have been selfish enough and it's time to think about what's best for your family.

[Confused48]

Well today does suck. I took it all for granted and now I’m going to lose it all.

 

Your BS sure does not want to hear that you want to stay with him out of fear.

 

Sofie2013: I will keep advising you to accept your situation and move forward with your life. If your STBXH changes his mind on reconciliation he will tell you and you can decide whether you want to pursue it at that time. .

 

Good advice. Get to a place where you can live without him and he will want you more. Catch 22. Above all do not cling. Do not fear being an ex W. You will be ok no matter what. If you have no fear and don't cling.

[Sofie2013]

Update

 

The last two days have been hectic. I finally told my family about the affair and the divorce. My parents were furious and disappointed. My mother more so than my father, my mom ripped me a new one called me every name in the book. At one point we both stared to cry. Even though both of my parents aren’t happy with me by any means they have been supportive and mother has stared helping me with the kid’s which has been a big help.

 

I also told his brother, I already knew he knew but I wanted him to hear it from me. It was kind of a weird conversation he ended my saying he was busy but he would call me back but hasn’t he probably didn’t want to have that conversation and just wanted to end it.

 

On another note, yesterday I had a meeting with now my ex bosses. I don’t know if I was going to get fired or not but I asked to resign and hand them my resignation letter. They accepted so now I’m official jobless.

[Raven3321]

Update

 

The last two days have been hectic. I finally told my family about the affair and the divorce. My parents were furious and disappointed. My mother more so than my father, my mom ripped me a new one called me every name in the book. At one point we both stared to cry. Even though both of my parents aren’t happy with me by any means they have been supportive and mother has stared helping me with the kid’s which has been a big help.

 

I also told his brother, I already knew he knew but I wanted him to hear it from me. It was kind of a weird conversation he ended my saying he was busy but he would call me back but hasn’t he probably didn’t want to have that conversation and just wanted to end it.

 

On another note, yesterday I had a meeting with now my ex bosses. I don’t know if I was going to get fired or not but I asked to resign and hand them my resignation letter. They accepted so now I’m official jobless.

Sofie, I've been following LS for a while now and your saga in particular. It has broken my heart. I've been praying for you and your husband for a while now and I will continue to do so. All is not lost yet. You may not be able to get him back of your own efforts, but with God all things are possible.

 

At one time I was in your husband's shoes and walked out as well. I planned my departure just as your husband did. I didn't leave for 8 months for varous reasons but she knew I was resolute and would leave eventually. I did. After about 2 weeks, God started speaking to me about going back. He made me give up the girls (I was already involved with 2 honeys) and go back to my wife. Unfortunately, she had met someone at work before I left and had warned me that if I walked out, she was going to get involved with him. She did. Though I begged with her, my attempts at reconciliation were ignored as she had fallen hard for him. By the time she emerged from the "fog", it was too late. I'd moved on and she lost everything.

 

I would advise you to just chill for a while.....don't make any major life decisions just yet either way. Although his leaving is justified, that doesn't mean he's going to stay gone. Just wait. Stranger things have happened. As one poster has said, and I'll reiterate, "we're rooting for you Sofie". By the way, so is God.

[BetrayedH]

How are you holding up?

[Jonah]

That thing that happened in your 20s that when your soon to be H shacked up with another woman... you say didn't affect you much, because you felt sorry for this guy because he was going through a tough time. That infidelity would have really hurt most people in those vulnerable years. But you gave him a pass, brushed him off and made him who he is today. In return for your support in making this man, as soon as he finds that you are no more perfect than he, instead of trying to help you, stopping you before it gets worse he cunningly sets you up to insure that your life gets ruined just because he can.

Oh he is so smart for pulling this off! Big deal. Big man? No. Small Man.

 

If it was me Sofie, being as remorseful as you are, I would do more than give you a pass but return your sincerity with showers of adoration.

 

But being this "Great Man" is being a hypocritical cold ass so maybe you really will be better off with someone that actually has a heart. Let the jerk go.