How do I stop thinking about her....

[Soon2bsngl]

My H cheated with one woman for roughly 2 years on and off. We separated breifly because of it and recently decided to give it one more shot. My problem is, I can't stop thinking about her. I see her all the time, she drives by my house, I see her at a local hang out. Which I've stopped going to because of it. Of course he tells me he doesn't love her he never loved her but my argument is, then why did you keep going back to her? I think I could handle it better if it were a one night stand. But one woman for 2 years tells me there is some sort of feelings there. He says it was convenient because he knew he could get what he wanted from her. I know he is sorry for what he has done and he feels awful because he says he knows he ruined our relationship and we will never be the same and it kills him. I just don't know how do I stop thinking about her so I can move on. And I wonder, if I'm this wrapped up in her and she is in my head he HAS to be thinking of her. Does he miss her? After two years of being with someon doesn't it only make sense that he would miss her? Am I thinking too much? Also the devil in me HOPES that she is hurting just as much as I am. I know thats awful to say but she claims to love him and now they are not together. I hope every day she feels one ounce of pain that I've felt from the two of them. I'm a firm beleiver in what goes around comes around and I pray every day that she will get what she deserves. I just wish I was around to see it happen. Is that awful to say outloud?

[NiCoLe20]

i dont understand why are you with him again? obviously he feels something for her if it continued for 2 yrs... since you are back with him its like your allowing him to do it again if he wished to... its liek saying '' yea you cheated on me its ok i stilll love you'' thats wrong... u deserve someone who wouldnt even think about cheating on you... instead of all that worrying why not just leave and move forward in your life? thats just more stress for you right? i wouldtn even bother with him but you love this man and for what reason?

[Soon2bsngl]

I can understand how you would feel that way, but people make mistakes there has to be room for forgiveness. We were separated for quite some time and he jumped through hoops to prove to me that working on our marriage was what he wanted. Yes, maybe I should leave him and I do deserve someone that would never even think about cheating on me, but this is the man I married and have a child with so this is the man that I will do what ever it takes to make it work, and right now he is doing the same. If it doesn't work out now, at least I can walk away with clear conscience knowing I did everything possible to make it work. But I'm not going to walk away until I feel in my heart that there is nothing more I can do.

[Owl]

My thought is that you need to find a way to get her totally out of the picture. If you're still seeing her around, then you know that your husband is as well. That leaves you with the doubt that its still going on, or could rekindle. Talk to your husband about moving...you see her at a local hangout...then find a new hangout. Make changes to remove her from your life. Sounds drastic? It is...but it not only will reassure you that nothing will resume, but it gives your husband the chance to PROVE that she's no longer a factor for him. Give it a thought.

[Soon2bsngl]

I have stopped going to the place where we would both hang out. I haven't been there for a few months. I will talk to my H also about moving. I think it's a good idea, a fresh start for us. Thanks.

[sylviaguardian]

Moving away will not get her out of your head. It will continue. She will be hurting make no mistake about it. She thought your husband was the real deal but your husband never had that committment or he would be with her not you. She probably can't get him or you out of her head!

 

You have to see that your husband was not in a real relationship with her. OK, I'm sure it was very pleasant but in a real relationship you take both the good and the bad sides of that person. In an affair, both sides work so hard to present a on-sided view of themselves, it's no surprise that it's like the first few weeks of a romance.

 

You have to stop torturing yourself. My H still works beside the woman he had an emotional affair with. It would be financially impossible for us if he gave up his job and there is not another one he can just go to. I have told him that any (that means any!) non-business contact with her will finish us for good. We have agreed rules i.e. no coffee, no travelling to meetings together no personal conversations. Apart from that I can't do anything. If he isgoing to do something, I can't stop him and if that's the case and he moved jobs, it would be with another person.

 

Forget this person - she's not worth your torture. Thinking about her is going to destroy you. Concentrate on being happy, doing things for you and enjoying your life. You will be happier and your husband will enjoy the relationship more for it.

 

Stay strong!

Sylvia

[Devildog]

She is still around but does that mean anything is going on between them? One of the few ways to rebuild trust in a relationship after an affair is the cheating Spouse must be totally upfront and open about every aspect of his life. You should be able to see his cell phone calls, emails or anything else he has that could permit contact with her. You should be able to know where he is going any time he steps out the door, and when he will return and he should expect that you will check up on him. If he is going to a friend's house he should expect you to call to check up on him. If he "steps out to run to the store for chips" while at his friend's house he should call and let you know and he should call to let you know when he returns.

 

He has to accept that you have issues with trusting him now and if he is truly commited to repairing the damage he has done he will be willing to shoulder this until trust has been rebuilt.

[Soon2bsngl]

I really am trying it's just so damn hard. My biggest fear is that I'm going to be going about my life like everything is great and she will pop up again. I went for an entire year beleiving she was gone and they had no contact and then one day she called me out of the blue at work to clue me in. I'm just so afraid that will happen again. But I guess it's like you say if it does there is really nothing I can do about it. But I do have to say that being able to talk about it does help.

 

 

He doesn't even leave the house since he came back home anyway. If he does it's with me. We only have one car and he depends on me to bring him anywhere. We don't have a home phone and only one cell phone and it is in my possession most of the time. He knows I'm watching and he is more than willing to let me dig through things or check up on him. He is actually very good about checking in himself. He is overly paranoid about me thinking he's being sneaky.

[Owl]

Well, I'd take his attitude as a very good sign. It took my wife a good while to come to that same conclusion...that I needed to check up on her to reassure myself, not so much doing so thinking that she really was still doing something wrong. Its been seven months since the whole thing came out in the open, and I do still occasionally check up on my wife...and probably will do so for quite some time to come...if not forever. I'd always welcomed her to do the same with me, but I guess she understands that I'm really not about to do something like she did.

 

I can't speak for all cases, but I know in my case, the acceptance of the checking up didn't occur until the NC really did stick. There were several times in the very beginning where it was agreed that she wouldn't communicate with him, but he or she would break it almost immediately. I started checking her emails regularly after I had discovered what was going on without her knowledge. When I found that she had "accidentally" sent him an e-card (he was the cookies that page used to remember who she sent to, and she sent the card out to her whole list), and that they had emailed back and forth once on it, I confronted her. That lead to a big blow up, and an email to him from her requesting the NC. She violated it a few days later by sending him an E-card for Father's Day...but to his credit, he told her that he respected what we were doing and that she should remove him from her list and never contact him again. That night she broke down and admitted to me what happened...and for once I did the right thing and didn't get angry. We talked, and that (from every possible way I can tell, her actions, her computer, her phone records, etc...) was the last contact that they've had.

 

Sorry for the long post...but I wanted to make the point that if he's that willing to let you see everything and prove that he's changed, take it as a good sign. Don't stop checking, but feel a little better about what's going on.

 

As far as getting her out of your mind... I think time will do that too, but I can't speak from personal experience. I was friends with my wife's OM (online emotional affair in our case), and I can tell you that he is STILL on my mind everyday. I think about what happened, what could have happened, what may happen in the future... But just try to redirect your thoughts if you find yourself doing that. It helps some with me...and I've been told it gets better in time. Good luck, and hang in there!