MalachiX Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 It's kind of a complicated thing. Yes, I've broken up with a woman largely because i didn't want to hurt her. In my case, we started dating and I enjoyed spending time with her but didn't find myself really "falling in love" with her. At first I thought that it might be OK since we were both adults (mid to late 20s) and I didn't think there was anything wrong with just enjoying each other and seeing if anything developed. Soon though, she confided in me that she was not only a virgin but also had never had a boyfriend (or even dated before). Suddenly I realized that this thing was more high stakes for me than it was for her. I went on with it a little longer, still hoping I'd develop deeper feelings for her, but it became clear that I was never going to "fall in love" with this person. I decided at that point it would be best to end thing. BUT, I never said I was breaking up with her "so I wouldn't hurt her." Saying that would probably be confusing for her and giver her hope that I might still want something. Instead I just told her honestly that I thought we should break up because I wasn't feeling romantically towards her anymore (which was true) and, while I loved her company, I didn't think it was right to continue to be with someone I knew I wasn't going to fall in love with. I give you this example because I believe that most times when someone quits a relationship to avoid getting hurt or hurting someone else, it's also because they don't see long term potential in the relationship. I think just about everyone will keep going if they really think the other person might be "the one" regaurdless of who gets hurt. It's only when the relationship doesn't look like it will get as serious that they suddenly start worrying about their feelings and the other person's. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Oh, this kind of behavior does happen. The distancing away and sabotaging of relationships b/c of the fear of being dumped is especially more common. If you think about it, it makes sense to the people that do this. Due to trauma or past crappy relationships, it gives them the perceived control over a situation that they feel they have little ultimately. A fear of impending rejection for them is best "controlled" by sabotaging the relationship. By sabotaging or doing the dumping, they prevent being the dumpee. You have just explained what I have been doing for the past 2 years Link to post Share on other sites
MalachiX Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Oh, this kind of behavior does happen. The distancing away and sabotaging of relationships b/c of the fear of being dumped is especially more common. If you think about it, it makes sense to the people that do this. Due to trauma or past crappy relationships, it gives them the perceived control over a situation that they feel they have little ultimately. A fear of impending rejection for them is best "controlled" by sabotaging the relationship. By sabotaging or doing the dumping, they prevent being the dumpee....AGAIN. That's certainly true but people who do this are never aware that they're doing it and never tell the other person that they're dumping them for fear of getting hurt (in my experience). Rather, this is something that people do subconsiously. They will, a.) Break up with someone they feel close to so they don't have to be rejected or... b.) Keep pushing that person away or treat them badly until the other person breaks up with them. Then they can say, "see, i told you he/she would leave me just like all the others." I actually see the latter happen more often. Link to post Share on other sites
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