Sister is a deadbeat but the family disowned me

[guest]

I just wanted to vent about my sister. In May, my whole family and I had a blow out. My sister had gone to Las Vegas with my other sister and Mom. My niece stayed behind because she did not want to miss a field trip and my sister asked me and my husband to watch her. Just a note that when my sister went to Las Vegas, she was having some of her utilities shut off because she could not pay them and my other sister and mom knew this but said that my sister who is an “adult” could do what she wanted.

 

Well, when my husband and I went to get my niece from my sister’s house and were disgusted at the condition the apartment was in. There were roaches everywhere and the kitchen floor was a mess with potatoes and spaghetti sauce on the floor. My niece had no hangers for her clothes and no sheets on her bed; in the corner of he room she had cat poop and litter on the floor (she had not had a cat for three months). Her clothes were in the closet and smelled like cat pee. A few days later my niece called my sister to see if she had left her the money she was suppose to, which she had not. I was upset and got on the phone with my sister and told her how upset I was about the condition of her place and that her kids did not need to live in a place like that. My other sister got on the phone and yelled at me for making my sister cry while she was on vacation.

 

I am the youngest of the kids, at 22 and my family does not normally take me seriously, they and their lives are always more important then mine (even though I have a career, go to school, have a successful marriage and am buying a condo and one sister has never had a job and the other can keep one). Well, anyways, when my family got back, I called my mom and told her that my sister T needed help that raising three kids as a single parent was obviously not easy and that I needed my moms help to smooth things over with T so she can get some help. My mom said she did not want to get involved because she tried before and my grandma (her mom) got mad at her. My mom also said that the kids would be better off with there dad and that my sister T is a bad mother. His type of talk constantly goes on, everyone talks bad about everyone. Well, I talked to my sister and she said that I had no right to judge her because I was not around enough and I did not know what she did. She judges me because I don’t know when the kids go to the doctors when they are sick because no one calls and tells me. I told her that everyone talks about her parenting but I am telling her and trying to help and what makes the other who talks behind her back better then me.

 

My sisters and my mom are really close and they get mad and me for not calling and such, but they don’t call me and they make plans with out me and when I invite them somewhere, they are always to busy to go. I made an effort for so many years and they took advantage of me. A good example is at my nephew’s b-day in July my sister borrowed my patio table, they next day she called me to come pick it up, she lives across the street. I told her I was busy. She called me for a few days after saying; your table is in her car and makes it hard for her to get her stroller out could I come get the table. My thought is, she borrowed it, she lives across the street and it is in her car, she needs to return it. My families mentality is that they are took important.

 

Well, it is not December and now I am not talking to anyone and they are not talking to me. My family told me that I needed to mind my own business because I don’t have kids and other mean things. My husband wants nothing to do with my family because of the way they treated me.

 

I talked to my sister T yesterday and she said that even though I offered to help it didn’t matter to her because as she said “I wasn’t going to do anything anyways.”

 

Then my sister said that her 5-year-old son hates my husband because he is mean and spanked him twice. First of all, my nephew is 5 and cannot make opinion like that unless he was coerced. Second, lots of people have spanked him because he is undisciplined. My nephew is in special Ed classes. My sister thought he had ADD and took him to a physiatrist when he was 1.5 years old, he has actually been to four psychiatrists, once said he had ADD, one said he had ADHD, one said he was fine and the last said he has ADD. He is fine, he just doesn’t get discipline. When my sister told me he had to go into special Ed classes because he is behind and not as smart as the other kids, I told her that during the summer she should work with him and teach him his ABC’s, colors, ECT. Her response was that she is to busy. She is too busy to worry about his future. Well, then instead of going to the bars and having friends over at all hours she needs to sit with him.

 

My sisters ex was really mean to my niece, called her horrible names and tried to kill her cat. So my sister broke up with him, then, when she needed a booty call she brought him back. This guy has no job and still lives with his parents and sleeps on a mattress in the living room. When she brought him over my niece was at my moms and did not want to go home and started crying. My sister called me hysterical that she was going to call the police on my mom. My sister response to the whole thing was, I am an adult and I can see who I want to. I told her that if she was going to choose a deadbeat over her daughter that was not right. She is an adult, but an adult with 3 responsibilities and it’s not fair to them that she casts them aside so she can relive her teenage phase.

 

My oldest nieces father whom she has never met in the 11 years she has been alive just got out of prison. And my sister and him went to court for child support which he now has to pay. All of a sudden, he is a changed man and my sister wants him to have a relationship with my niece. My sister and him now go to the bar every weekend and hang out and she actually had him go to a parent teacher conference with her. He is living in a half way house and has not changed. Not that it matters because my sister and him are two of a kind. She goes out drinking every weekend and started smoking pot. He is living in a half way house. The only reason she thinks he has changed is because he is going to pay child support, but that was the court order, not his.

 

I get calls all the time from creditors because they can’t get a hold of my sister and she did not pay, her car, her furniture, ECT. When she got a new car she just stopped paying her old one so they would eventually reposes it. When she moved apartments, she stopped paying rent because she was moving anyways and left everything she didn’t want and she just left it and said, that they, the apartment, can clean it. The only reason why she was even able to move into an apartment was because my sister C is the manager. Now, if my sister T needs to move she won’t be able to get a referral to get into an apartment and wouldn’t be able to pass a credit check because she buys things and never pays for them. According to my sister C, my sister’s credit is so bad she could not get approved for a home phone so she put the bill in my niece’s name.

 

So now, my whole family lives across the street in the same apartment complex. My sister runs wild and my mom does nothing about it.

 

I am really worried about my niece; she lies all the time (which my sister does so it’s no wonder she picked that up). My niece is doing badly in school; she has F’s and C’s. She got a C in PE because she kept forgetting her uniform. She even ditched a day. I can’t help but think that this has to do with her parenting, which is a fair thing to say. When the whole blow out happened and I was talking with my sister, se blamed our mom for the way she was raised, as she said, “Mom raised me this way so I am only doing the same thing.” That’s okay if she doesn’t mind if her daughter does drugs and gets pregnant at 16. It’s my sister’s excuses so it’s not her fault. Nothing is her fault, ever. And everything dramatic involves her. When our grandfather (on our dads side) was in the hospital for a heart attack she actually said, “Grandma (on my moms side) feels most sorry for me because she knows how close grandpa and I are because I am the oldest.” They are so not the closets. She just wants people to feel sorry for her. It’s the poor me syndrome. She has borrowed countless amounts of money from my grandma under false pretenses. She would tell my grandma she needed it for one reason or another then get the money and use it for something else then tell us not to tell her. She would get money for the kids for x-mas and such and spend it her self. She would also sell toys people got for the kids and use the money her self. She did that to a few things we bought the kids.

 

Well, I better stop. Thank you to everyone who read the whole thing. If you didn’t I understand it was rather long.

 

I can’t help but miss my family but I can’t get my self to go back and be treated with so little respect and be taken advantage of.

[Moose]

I just read your whole post here and I just wanted to say a few things, I hope you don't mind.

 

First of all, isn't it nice to have a place to just let it all out???!!!! Anyways......here I go......

 

You sound so opinionated and judgemental. It's as if you're comparing your lifestyle to that of your sisters and your in-laws, their problems and their decisions. Even their parenting skills.

 

I know what you're going through. I have a sister who is exactley the way you described your situation. You have to love her, she's always going to be your sis, nothing you can do about that.

 

But, and I mean this in a most loving way.......screw her! You are married now.....you've left your old family and lo and behold, you're in your new family. You may not have any children yet, but you're free of the old ways and you need to concentrate on your new ways.

 

I know and feel your concern over your neice, nephew, whomever is involved, but you're not responsible for any them. You are responsible for you and your husband. That's it. You don't even have to acknowledge your sisters or your moms exsistance if you don't want. I had to cut all ties with my sister just to avoid all the talking behind one's back, the rumors and the comparisons that constantly went on and realize that she's not the one I need to worry about. It's my life, and my family that I'm responsible for and everyone else can choke on my dust.

 

It doesn't mean that I don't care or love any of them, it's just that I don't see any way of ever changing them, why try? I can help them out with all of my money, but what good would that do except teach them that I can bail them out of a hard spot from time to time.

 

Be there for them only when you're approached. Otherwise, leave them alone, don't lend them anything, and hope for the best.......

[quankanne]

sounds like you're the only one in the family with a lick of sense, and they resent you for it ... especially since you're so young!

 

that said, it's time to practice some tough love, because at this point, your nieces and nephew don't have any one else in the family who can stand up for their best interests the way you do.

 

very calmly inform the mother of these kids -- and the rest of the family -- that the conditions the kids live in are cause enough for the state to put them in a foster home. yeah, it's sad that your sister's got all those problems, and it's sad she didn't get the childhood she wanted, but guess what? she has three little kids depending on her so she needs to grow the hell up, instead of trying to relive her adolescence ... the state doesn't care about what she was denied, only that she's denying her kids a safe, clean environment to live in. And they have no qualms about placing them in an environment that's better for them, where cats don't sh•t on beds and caretakers are willing to spend time helping little boys catch up to where they need to be educationally and socially.

 

it's not about her, it's not about your mom or other sister or even you: it's about those kids. And sometimes means standing up for what's right so that those little ones get what they need ...

[Elmo]

Jebus! What a family.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but here goes:

 

You were born into a family of sad, disfunctional, jerks. I know it gets lonely when you want to be with your family but they are angry because you bring up the reality of their sad lives.

 

Your husband sounds like a good man. He's your family now. Move away. Far away. Send Xmas and bday gifts. Give your mom a call every month. Be kind. Don't send money to anyone.

 

Start a new family with you husband. You deserve a good life without all that effin' drama.

 

I feel bad for the little kids, too. If you think they are being abused...really abused....move, then after a bit of time call child protective services. Do not let anyone in the family know you did this. And, of course don't give CPS your name.

 

Just get away from that insanity. You, I know, can have a nice, sane life. You have to make a hard choice to get that life.

[Guest]

Thanks for posting a reply to by post. I agree with all of you, each of your posts were a little or a lot different from one another but all good suggestions. Luckily, I am moving away, not far, only 10 miles, but it’s better then living 100 feet from them. Quankanne, if you can believe it, I did talk to my other sister and mom about the condition of the kids and my sister. They all called me a snoop; but they also agreed with me, my mom said it would be good if CPS came in because the kids would be better off. My sister C actually called CPS on her sister-in-law, but I am bad for considering doing it. A few months back, my niece was missing so my sister C went to my sister t’s apartment to look for her and asked the manager if she knew where my niece was. The manager offered to help my sister look but when my sister C went to my sister T’s apartment my sister C had to make sure the manager did not go in because she knew that the manger would in the least evict my sister. They know how my sister is. I am the only one who knows that my sister T smokes pot, but I did not tell anyone. Sometimes I wish I would so they would know how my sister T really is. When I talked to my sister T she was offended that I had suggested she take budgeting classes that the state offered for free. Why!!!! I would take budgeting class and I have great credit.

 

Moose, I guess I am very opinionated, which growing up in a family like mine you needed to be. I had to be so I made good choices. My opinions were always different then my sisters and always had to be stronger. I can see why you did what you did. I can also not change my sister. I make it a point to never let anyone in my family borrow money, especially my sister T. I guess I also compare myself to them. I just don’t agree with there life styles. It’s not that I want to be better then them, it’s just that I want them to have a better life. All my sister T needs to do to accomplish that is make better choices.

 

Elmo, I am not offended at all. I know my family is dysfunctional. And I plan on getting far away. You are all right, I have my own family and I life and I need to get on with it. Yes, they will always be my family and one day, when the time is right we will get along.

 

Thanks again for the posts!