no freinds-alwasy been a loner

[joel]

ok something about me i'm a 23 yr old asian guy i go to college and all and i have no freinds. yea i have aquintances and all ,but no friends. i was like this in elementary and HS school-a loner, and now i really wanna change. i do start and try to talk to ppl, but most ppl seem to just wanna stick with thier own friends or ppl. i been told by my only freind that i talk ask too many questions.

what do u say or do to make freinds and have ppl like u and wanna be ur freind. i usd to have messy hair and.... now i style my hair with gel and fix my image and all. image does count. how do u make ppl accept u into their group

[blind_otter]

I usually meet people, and if we have something in common we end up hanging out more. It's kind of a natural process that can't be forced.

 

I used to be PAINFULLY shy - I couldn't even order food at a restaurant, I was too shy to talk to the waiter. As time passed, I just learned to adjust.

 

It's more about liking yourself, I think. Some people are just less outgoing than others. I think you have to learn how to accept yourself for who you are. Then, you naturally make friends. But you don't have to have a big group of friends.

[tiki]

Aww, nice post BO.

 

Have you thought about joining a church or small group? Take an art class, dancing or photography class, etc. Sometimes you add to your network of friends just by having friends that have friends.

 

I don't have a whole slew of friends myself, only a select few. And people like my sister too, I consider her my friend.

[Naive]

You have to let people know that you are an open person. You have to make them feel welcomed to talk to you. But you really have to feel like it or no one else will feel it. Sometimes when people try to act or be like someone they are not it just makes people not want to talk to them even more!

[EC]

Whats wrong with being a loner???

 

The more friends I had in middle school and HS the more dram that entered my life.

The more lies, deceit. Not everyone is a good friend and it's hard to find good friends.

 

Think of it this way Christmas is coming and you don't have to waste so much money;)

 

But seriously just be yourself and join groups or clubs. You can meet a lot of people like that and some that share your same interests.

I agree with Naive though if you seem to desperate or like if your trying to hard then people can read that and wont want to hang out with you.

Just be nice, smile a lot, and casually make conversation with people in class or w/e. It's not that hard and appreciate the friends you do have. There's nothing worse than having one friend and complaining to them about how you wish you had more friends.

My friend did that to me all the time and I felt unappreciated and it's not cool.

[Honesty]

have you always tried too hard to fit in?

[joel]

yes i think freind do take time and compatibility just like finding the right gf or bf it's hard all about chemistry and if there is sparks

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by tiki

 

Have you thought about joining a church or small group? Take an art class, dancing or photography class, etc. Sometimes you add to your network of friends just by having friends that have friends.

 

 

this is good advice. Join a class or join a group in a hobby you enjoy. At least you will meet people with the same interest.

 

I joined a fishing and hunting website about 5 years ago. Have online friends that turned into real life long friends. We are all in the same state, so one day a few of us got together to do some ice fishing....and that day changed my life. Since then I have made life-long friends who enjoy what I enjoy. turned out we are all mostly the same age and have kids too. best thing that ever happened to me. Who would expect to make new friends in your 30's...cuase most already have a core group that they have know for a while. This outlet has reached out to spouses meetng eachother and makeing friendship too. It was a great thing for my wife and I.

 

Although I have to say...the first time I told my core friends...."hey I met this guy online"...hahahahah well most people think internet with porn...hahah. I said no its not like that...its a fishing reports site.....anyway. Only way to have an open mind is to go out and do something new!

[joel]

i have joined stuff like courses- computer courses and ppl talk to u if u talk to em or sometimes they'll initate it first, but all the time even good aquintance to which u have a good converstaion with end up being just somebody u chit chatted with here and there and nothing else.

i think being asian my folks was like stay at home and study which didn't do much good for me, also i was never invited to parties, get togthers , go to movies.......-i turned out lacking a lot of social skills with ppl and now have a hard time gaining any or at all.

man i tell u its depressing at times. i don;t even eat in the cafeteria b/c when u look around everybody eating with their freinds and nobody is eating alone. i sit at one of the benches and eat by myself.

even this girl-i knew who was in a lot of my courses-who was really quite and not very out going-i saw her chit chattin with freinds in the cafe-yes even her and i thought she was a loner too.

[ThumbingMyWay]

maybe take a self confidence course?....or something along the lines of Interpersonal Communication course?

[JackieQ]

like anything, it takes practice. if you've never focused on making friends, it's not going to be smooth the first time out. classes and other interests let you have something to focus on when you talk.

 

Also, acquaintances become friends. Just takes time. What would happen if you asked an acquaintance from computer class to go over the days lessons while you have coffee... or something to that effect.

 

How did you make the one friend you have? Sounds like that happened... what was different about it.

 

jq

[joel]

came down to timing and luck. he was always in the library and so was i -always lolking at the newspaper or mags sitting on the couch and he happened to also be in one of my classes. he actually came up to me. he also was a quiet guy and he says he has all these freinds and all but i think he is also a loner too.

[JackieQ]

Timing and Luck pretty much make up the basis of a lot of friendships. You're in the same place at the same time so you talk and if you find something in common, you talk more. Course doing things to put yourself in places where you're likely to meet people that can talk about things you like to talk about does help.

[organic chemistry]

being an asian just transferred into a 4 yr university...i think i'm alone too...and feeling depressed as well...

 

i smile a lot...acutally....too much sometimes, like stranger that first meet me, within 5 minutes they'll notice i smile a lot, i'm super friendly.

 

i join clubs and interest groups too.

 

but as far as hanging out with friends, it's pretty sad that i end up staying home all the time

 

sometimes i feel bad when i find out my friends r hanging out having dinner...and no one invited me

 

i only get to hang out in the big events like b.day parties that everyone in the group is being invited.

but other than that, like friends dun call me out to hang out exclusively...i'm invisible most of the time

 

i think i'm too independent. most of the time i'm ok...eating by myself,study by meself, but the loneiness gets me once in a while.

and i have a little bit more experience on a lot of things than most of my friends, so that makes me a really gd person to give advice, friends call me whenever they need more info on things, but i'm just not for hang out.

 

i'm not cool enough...i guess...

[EC]

Joel meet Organic Chemistry

 

Organic Chemistry meet Joel...

 

See not that hard!

[organic chemistry]

haha

 

nice advice!! where r u from joel?

[organic chemistry]

i go to cafeteria...i go by myself all the time...i'm a loner too...but there r so many ppl in the cafeteria...

 

well..no one date me or ask me to go to cafeteria to eat together, but at least i usually spot my friends in there and then go sit with them. i'm a loner, but i run into friends in sch and that's how i hang out with them.

 

and usually if u run into friends like that...like for example run into friends during lunch hours, if they r polite they'll invite u to go the next day, becoz that means the class schedule r the same

 

and i run into friends in library too...next time...go to the same spot to study with them

 

and i'm a loner in selecting classes too....so i go ask everyone i know what classes they r taking, and try to get the same classes together next semester so that i get to know them better

 

study groups really helps becoz u see those ppl on a regular basis for a semester...must have known ppl pretty well by then...

 

i know it sounds pathetic...but i reallly wanna have more friends

[joel]

i had a quite a lot of bad results in HS. u go join their group and they tell u to get lost, or somthing insulting.

also if u now one firend in the group-do u just join in with his bunch of freinds with ppl u don't even now, kinda of like invading privacy. i tend to attract and also mingle with they ppl like myself-quite, shy, introverted types in school. i tend to ask too many questions which is my bad fault

 

Originally posted by organic chemistry

i go to cafeteria...i go by myself all the time...i'm a loner too...but there r so many ppl in the cafeteria...

 

well..no one date me or ask me to go to cafeteria to eat together, but at least i usually spot my friends in there and then go sit with them. i'm a loner, but i run into friends in sch and that's how i hang out with them.

 

and usually if u run into friends like that...like for example run into friends during lunch hours, if they r polite they'll invite u to go the next day, becoz that means the class schedule r the same

 

and i run into friends in library too...next time...go to the same spot to study with them

 

and i'm a loner in selecting classes too....so i go ask everyone i know what classes they r taking, and try to get the same classes together next semester so that i get to know them better

 

study groups really helps becoz u see those ppl on a regular basis for a semester...must have known ppl pretty well by then...

 

i know it sounds pathetic...but i reallly wanna have more friends

[organic chemistry]

i found it hard too....coz have to hang out with bunch of other friends that i barely know...and a bit intimidated and really have to force myself to talk so that i don't look too quiet or awkward...i mean if i have a choice...i'd rather not taking...but just have to force myself to say something

 

my loneliness situation got better these few days...i'm asian and my friends r very studious asians...and finals r coming...so they go study everyday 10 hrs straight in the library...but still i get to hang out and go eat lunch and dinner together and get to know ppl better...

 

it was boring to study for 10 hrs...but going to dinner and hang out was fun

 

even though i'm not studious...but i'll keep going to these study sessions...becoz it helps my grade and also helps other to get to know me better and find me an interesting friend material

[joel]

for me its like yea i have aquitances and u talk to em and all, but after the course or whatever is finished and u don't see em anymore its like its over.

most ppl i found that if u become too friendly and talktive and always want to talk to em only and nobody else, its like a turn off-yea just making firends. i guess in their mind its like woow this guy has no other firends.

for me i guess i just have to get myself out there. i use to have one firend in school one good firend and that was it and stayed very loyal towards him and never mixed around with anybody else. now i am trying mixing it up with anybody and anytime.

i have this one firend yea u could say my only freind and he is also a loner too-the thing with my freind-doug is i knew him for like 4 yrs now in the beginning he was a cool guy and all , but now hes like being the biggest annoying person i would hate. he would critize u on ur hair-being too messy, ur clothes being too old and not in style, he'll make fun of the way u speak,......etc..

i starting to no want to talk or be his freind to him anymore but scared that if i lose him i won;t have anybody else which is usually the case.

[JackieQ]

most ppl i found that if u become too friendly and talktive and always want to talk to em only and nobody else, its like a turn off-yea just making firends. i guess in their mind its like woow this guy has no other firends.

 

Joel...if I'm reading you right you try to talk to only one person and noone else? Why limit yourself? Yes, if you talk to just one person you might make them back off. They might think that you want them to only talk to you also...and most people like to be free to talk to several people.

 

jq

[joel]

yea i agree i been like that a lot.

 

but with women its kinda of different from what i see. its like if u talk to girl 1 and be all nice and friendly-freinds kinda of way with her and ur like that also to girl2 and also like that towards girl 3 , they later observe since the college i am at is so small that this guy is just a flirt. i might also lose my chance on the real girl i really want which is girl 1 b/c from what she observed, and even worst if they are freinds with each other-yea gosssip

 

Originally posted by JackieQ

Joel...if I'm reading you right you try to talk to only one person and noone else? Why limit yourself? Yes, if you talk to just one person you might make them back off. They might think that you want them to only talk to you also...and most people like to be free to talk to several people.

 

jq

[West]

Basically any type of relationship with anyone will require effort. I totally understand where your coming from. sometimes you just don't really wanna hang out with people, but what you put into a relationship whether it be romantic, friendship, etc... whatever you are going to get out of it. If you don't communicate with other people, likely they will return in favor the same amount of emphasis that you place upon the relationship.. ultimately with any type of relationship with anyone you will get out what you put in. I wish you the best joel in your endeavours. take care.

 

-wes

[JayKay]

Do you do any volunteer work?

 

Volunteering is a good way to meet other people who are not self-centered. Many hospitals and libraries and animal shelters are in need of volunteers. You can meet a good mix of people in places like that.

 

Also, get a paying job of some kind. A lot of times in a work environment, where you have a specific purpose, it makes it easier to interact with people. Try to get a part-time job in a place where you are forced to deal with people -- you will get better at making small talk, learning social cues and body language.

 

 

You could take classes that teach assertiveness. Look into it. See if there are some community colleges offering adult classes like that.

 

Get involved in hobbies that you really love -- do you like photography? Comics? Magic? When you meet people who share your passion, it's easier to develop true friendships.