Dealing with extreme guilt after cheating

[Jaime91]

I'm 22 and have been in a relationship for most of my teen/adult life. My boyfriend is about 10 years older than me and lately I've been freaking out a little over his "baggage", his children and such. I've been feeling kind of claustrophobic and stuck now that we've made such a permanent life together. Recently I cheated for the first and only time with another man that I've known casually for about a year now, and I feel like the worst person in the world. He's not exactly in my group of friends but he is well known in my circle and is a nice guy who knows it is going no further. I keep trying to tell myself that I just made a mistake, that I've caught him talking to other girls and treating me badly before, that I'm not a terrible person and it was a one time thing that I needed to get out of my system. But I feel like none of that matters and that there's no excuse for what I did and I can't stop beating myself up. We've been having some deeper issues but I do love him and I don't know how to make this feeling go away or if it ever will. I feel like telling him is not an option because it will never happen again and I don't want to lose him, even though I suppose I would deserve it. I can't even stand him being kind to me because I feel like I don't deserve it anymore. We've both made mistakes but I don't know how to forgive myself and move on.

[Philosoraptor]

Telling him is the only option if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with him again. He deserves to know the truth and make his own decisions based on that truth. Until then your relationship will be a lie and the guilt and memories will sit in your head. You won't be able to find self forgiveness until you've come clean and he's either forgiven you, or dumped you.

[Jaime91]

I told him I cheated, though not with who or to what extent. Now he's upset and I feel worse but I guess it was expected.

[Ninjainpajamas]

First off, he's 10 years older than you...so that already tells me the guy is a bit of an idiot...so that's the first foul there.

 

Secondly you're only 22, you should be going out and socializing and doing retarded things when men you actually think give a damn about you that really don't...but that's for your to learn and find out, the goal is to understand more of yourself and what you really want in a relationship...it's not that simple just lock-down with the nearest guy then be with him forever because you're too chicken to be alone.

 

This is a sign you need to get out of this relationship, stop trying to "fix" anything, you might as well be a bread maker trying to work on airplane, you don't know what you're doing and this older guy with 10 years plus of experience can't figure it out then he's a moron anyway, I'm 33 btw and I'd definitely give the guy a piece of my mind and yes yes I know he's a great guy or nice and not a creeper, look I'm a man...I know men...I know how men think, spare me the BS.

 

You're not an evil person, if anything this was a cry for attention and help in some form, and likely a sabotaging of things due to your whole emotions and feelings about the stress and crap in your guys life...it's all ridiculous though and things you're not prepared to deal with or should know how to at your age, you're a victim in a way because you're too foolish to even realize why he's with you and see you shouldn't even be apart of it.

 

Now you're going to twist everything on yourself and be all cry-baby about it and use it once again to feel even worse, and even more bad about yourself and then you're just going to tell yourself all these negative things so you can drag your face in the mud with this relationship so you can continue on because you're a "bad person".

 

This guys no white knight, I can guarantee you that and his situation is something you need to get the hell out of and live your own youthful life or you're going to throw it all away on this guy who's already got real life grown-up shet going on because I already know because he's dating 10 years younger he's a tool himself and I wouldn't except much maturity or sense/wisdom on his part...so try to take it from a guy around his age that actually has two marbles to rub together and leave the guy and move on, don't guilt yourself, don't cry about it, stop forcing yourself to try and save or fix this crap or whatever it is that you're still in this relationship with this guy...you've got too much life to live and experience than to be locked down with a guy who's got baggage who just needs a young mom/future baby maker by his side that he probably hardly even communicates with.

 

You don't know any better, don't dig yourself in a whole, get out and move on...this shet is not going to matter down the line and you'll see things for what they are (hopefully) once you get out of this cloud with this guy and hopefully get yourself together first as an adult before you start trying to live this settled life...he's there, let him deal with his crap, don't go down with the ship.

[Chi townD]

I told him I cheated, though not with who or to what extent. Now he's upset and I feel worse but I guess it was expected.

 

 

If he wants to know, then you tell him! To him, it feels like you're protecting the other guy! That you feel more for this other guy that you would go to a greater extent to protect him and his identity. If you want to lose your man, keep withholding information from him.

 

Now, here's the deal, you were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat. Now, your man is in the driver's seat as far as where the relationship goes. That's not your call anymore. If he wants to leave, then there's not much you can do about that.

 

The worst thing you can do is bring up him talking to other girls in the past, or the way he treated you badly in the past, because (truth be told) if it was THAT bad, you wouldn't be feeling guilty right now, and you wouldn't be so desperate not to lose him. You're making excuses to justify what you did. And the rub is, what he did and what you did is like comparing apples to oranges.

[Jaime91]

Thanks.

 

I think I'm more trying to figure out why it happened in the first place then make excuses because obviously there is no good excuse for doing something like that. I know that I'm to blame.

 

And thank you ninja, that was actually really helpful. He's kind of acting normal now like nothing happened which is confusing. I feel like I should be getting yelled at of kicked out or... Something.

[ExpatInItaly]

You know why it happened. You just don't want to admit it.

 

This.

 

OP, I have to ask...how old were you when you started dating your boyfriend?

[tlegend]

I don't see anything special in this thread. You cheated, you feel bad, but you claim you still love him and want to be in this relationship.

 

I don't care how convoluted you think this has gotten. You stepped outside the boundaries of the relationship, and now you are reaping the consequences. You will get no empathy from me.

 

Figure out if you even want to be in a relationship with this guy. It's very clear you are split by that decision.

 

Everything else can be worked on from there.

[Blastoplast]

I don't see anything special in this thread. You cheated, you feel bad, but you claim you still love him and want to be in this relationship.

 

I don't care how convoluted you think this has gotten. You stepped outside the boundaries of the relationship, and now you are reaping the consequences. You will get no empathy from me.

 

Figure out if you even want to be in a relationship with this guy. It's very clear you are split by that decision.

 

Everything else can be worked on from there.

 

Best post in this thread.

 

Bolded is my highlight -- if you truly, undoubtedly loved this man you wouldn't have even CONSIDERED cheating, but you did. His trust is violated and your relationship will never be the same again, even if you worked hard on it. Best of luck with everything.

[Jaime91]

Thanks for the responses. I was 20.

 

I'm not looking to be coddled or to be told what I did was ok. I obviously don't expect sympathy. Was just wondering if anyone else has been through if and how they fared. I can't be the first person to be in this situation.

 

But yeah, there are clearly underlying issues and I have some thinking to do, although the ball isn't really in my court anymore. All I can do now is be honest I guess

[aliveagain]

What kind of lasting relationship can you ever really have if the entire relationship is built on a foundation of lies? If you thought you would end your relationship why did you have sex with the other man? Why did you give it up so easily when your boyfriend expected you to protect him, he wasn't there, he trusted you had his back. The relationship is over anyway because you know what you did, other man knows what you did and you can't control who else he tells. The only way a relationship grows and gets stronger is with honesty, without it whatever you have will end soon enough. He already knows something has changed in you, things will go better for you if you tell him before someone else does. Just read you told him, good. Sorry, don't know how I missed that.

Edited October 7, 2013 by aliveagain

[harrybrown]

Give him the truth, do not give the trickle truth.

 

It makes him think that you are still lying to him.

[Darren Steez]

I'm 22 and have been in a relationship for most of my teen/adult life. My boyfriend is about 10 years older than me and lately I've been freaking out a little over his "baggage", his children and such. I've been feeling kind of claustrophobic and stuck now that we've made such a permanent life together. Recently I cheated for the first and only time with another man that I've known casually for about a year now, and I feel like the worst person in the world. He's not exactly in my group of friends but he is well known in my circle and is a nice guy who knows it is going no further. I keep trying to tell myself that I just made a mistake, that I've caught him talking to other girls and treating me badly before, that I'm not a terrible person and it was a one time thing that I needed to get out of my system. But I feel like none of that matters and that there's no excuse for what I did and I can't stop beating myself up. We've been having some deeper issues but I do love him and I don't know how to make this feeling go away or if it ever will. I feel like telling him is not an option because it will never happen again and I don't want to lose him, even though I suppose I would deserve it. I can't even stand him being kind to me because I feel like I don't deserve it anymore. We've both made mistakes but I don't know how to forgive myself and move on.

 

This is so by the numbers I'm having trouble believing it. but anyways

 

So you felt the need to "get it out of your system", right there that's a red flag. So what's to stop you getting that itch again and pursuing it?

 

If you don't tell him, you're basing your relationship on a falsehood. Your justification for cheating doesn't seem to be he treated you bad or was talking to other girls, that all seemed incidental because you cheated because you wanted to..and thus it wasn't a "mistake"

 

Don't forgive yourself and don't move on. Go ahead and tell him. That's the right thing to do. Then after that, maybe you can move on together.

[Maxtor]

I like when people cheat on their bf\gf because they felt mistreated. How about, just end the relationship?

[crederer]

I like when people cheat on their bf\gf because they felt mistreated. How about, just end the relationship?

 

because that's too easy and takes out all of the drama that ensues.

[Vinegar]

I'm gonna agree with what ninja in pajamas said. that's the best advice on this topic so far. there is a lot more going on then I cheated and I feel bad. you probably have to look at what's really up with your relationship. And the age difference thing and the fact that he is a Dad. these are very big things you need to think long and hard about.