She broke NC what now? update

[Farsight]

For my BU story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/422943-will-staying-best-friends-get-them-back

 

I went NC for 23 days. I remember reading that between 3 and 4 weeks the lonelyness peaks in an ebook. Maybe thats BS. But anyways she contacted me by texting if I want to pick up my stuff and bring back hers.

All in a way that we don't see eachother.

 

Also she didn't want to give me the gift. She thought it was strange. Well I thought it was strange to begin with. Giving a gift for my BD after the BU.

 

I texted back I was out of town. She texted back a text with only one line that that showed a little interest. "O your in bradford no doubt" and some lines about my stuff.

 

Then being an idiot I texted back where I was and that it was really nice here and I was enjoying myself. And that I was also interested in how she was doing and I will write her an email. She didnt respond.

 

Now I am reluctant to send that catching up email. I am afraid I get hurt, her telling me to F off or something. NOte that she wanted to be friends before the NC and stated several times she want to stay in contact. I said I wanted more space because her mixed messages drove me insane.

 

I thought it was a good idear for her to iniate contact so I went NC. And now she contacted me but it was very cold and bussiness like.

 

I only bothered her once post break up and that was going to her house and talking with her dad when I was returning, I thought all of her stuff. I never begged pleaded or anything. SHe knew from this encounter I was upset and that I was crying when i returned her stuff.

 

So what do I do?

I lot of times the pas weeks I have the feeling of unfinished bussiness. Like I want to apologize for some things I did during the relationship.

Again I am faced with the problem stay friends/contact or go NC again.

Also I have to return her stuff so best way is to text when I will leave the stuff at her door without seeing her(this was my invention btw when I asked her for more space)

She still hasen't blocked me or unfriended me on facebook.

I am thinking of blocking her because I just want her out of my life. But mayeb this will ruine my chances for reconciliation.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited October 7, 2013 by Farsight
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[Romaks]

Just live your life 'without her' but continue to give her space and maybe text her once in a blue moon?

[Farsight]

Just live your life 'without her' but continue to give her space and maybe text her once in a blue moon?

 

ofcourse, I am trying to live without her. And each day it gets a bit easier. But I still miss her. LC is a idear. Leaving jsut a littel string of contact so if she wants more she isn't afraid to contatc me. But then you lose the power of NC that is, that maybe she will strat to miss me.

 

With apologizing I ment leaving a short note with her returned stuff.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Farsight

[Simon Phoenix]

Actually, you broke NC, she didn't. NC is a one-person thing, not a two-person thing. You broke your NC when you responded to her. I would just go back to NC -- if she really is interested in getting back with you this won't stop her. If she isn't, this will help you recover.

[Farsight]

Actually, you broke NC, she didn't. NC is a one-person thing, not a two-person thing. You broke your NC when you responded to her. I would just go back to NC -- if she really is interested in getting back with you this won't stop her. If she isn't, this will help you recover.

 

Yeah maybe your right. Still I have to return her stupid electric toothbrush. Sigh

Edited October 7, 2013 by Farsight

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah maybe your right. Still I have to return her stupid electric toothbrush. Sigh

 

That's easy. Just throw it in an envelope and mail it without a note.

[Farsight]

That's easy. Just throw it in an envelope and mail it without a note.

 

I understand Simon. I read this a lot on LS.

People who never reconciled with there exes tend to be very strict NC. And in retrospect its a good plan.

 

Problem is I don't know for sure she will never come back. If I am sure well then yes NC to the fullist.

 

But this is my predicament still having hope sometimes. Also doing the NC thing without being an ******* about it. This will ruin my chances.

 

Dammit I am thinking about writing her a catch up email again.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand Simon. I read this a lot on LS.

People who never reconciled with there exes tend to be very strict NC. And in retrospect its a good plan.

 

Problem is I don't know for sure she will never come back. If I am sure well then yes NC to the fullist.

 

But this is my predicament still having hope sometimes. Also doing the NC thing without being an ******* about it. This will ruin my chances.

 

Dammit I am thinking about writing her a catch up email again.

 

Actually, it won't at all. If they want to come back, they'll come back. I went a year without talking to an ex that dumped me (before I even knew what NC was) before running into her randomly. She was friendly and flirty. I then ran into her again three months later and she aggressively wanted to get back with me. And before the year NC, I gave her a pretty cruel silent treatment (we were co-workers) for three months.

 

So don't lazily try to paint all pro-NC people with the same brush. I hate that bitter crap. And I never have even said that you need to go NC forever -- hell, I broke a 5.5 month NC with my most recent ex. I did that because I knew that either way, I'd be fine and I could handle whatever happened. NC is for moving on first and foremost, but it is also necessary to stop you from doing dumb stuff (such as writing a sappy catchup email) and making an ass out of yourself with you are emotionally vulnerable.

 

The only thing that can make her want to reconcile is her changing her mind. And nothing you do, or don't do, can make her want to do that.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Farsight]

Actually, it won't at all. If they want to come back, they'll come back. I went a year without talking to an ex that dumped me (before I even knew what NC was) before running into her randomly. She was friendly and flirty. I then ran into her again three months later and she aggressively wanted to get back with me. And before the year NC, I gave her a pretty cruel silent treatment (we were co-workers) for three months.

 

So don't lazily try to paint all pro-NC people with the same brush. I hate that bitter crap. And I never have even said that you need to go NC forever -- hell, I broke a 5.5 month NC with my most recent ex. I did that because I knew that either way, I'd be fine and I could handle whatever happened. NC is for moving on first and foremost, but it is also necessary to stop you from doing dumb stuff (such as writing a sappy catchup email) and making an ass out of yourself with you are emotionally vulnerable.

 

The only thing that can make her want to reconcile is her changing her mind. And nothing you do, or don't do, can make her want to do that.

 

Sorry Simon my mistake. I think you right. NC does wonders. Only sometimes on LS it seems one big NC promotion. And I am interested in alternatives. And also why these alternatives won't work.

 

Yeah that email... Darn it I am being way to nice to her. But thats what I did in the relationship. She has anger problems. At least once a week I was trying to relieve her anger. Remind you I only got mad at her once And I never argued with her. Yes I am a very patient person. I just went queit and wait untill it passed.

 

She never realized I guess that someone else wouldn't bother.

And thats why like 7 guys said after a few weeks of being with her it wasn't going to work out. I was shocked first but then after awhile I didn't have a problem with it.

 

Good luck finding someone who is that patient I think. Read the first thread if you want more detail about her personality.

 

I am definitely leaning towards NC again

Edited October 7, 2013 by Farsight

[Simon Phoenix]

NC is promoted on here because 99 percent of the time, it's the right answer no matter the situation. People champion it because it is the best idea. As for why alternate solutions almost always fail, there are hundreds of threads with the scattered carcasses of dumpees trying to reinvent the wheel that you can peruse.

[thora-tiki]

I notice that a lot of men and women in our forum, use the excuse that their ex was hurt by an ex BF/GF,

or the ex has some other emotional, or psychological disorder (your ex has anger issues)

that prevents the ex from being what we want them to be (totally committed to us).

The point is, is that you're not happy with the way things are.

 

If you enter into a relationship hoping to change your partner, you will fail,

I have made that mistake myself. Gaah!

It is not your job to change people.

 

Focus on getting your life back with no contact, not on figuring out what your ex wants,

she is old enough to figure that out on her own, and take action to get it.

You want someone who wants you, you can't do all the heavy lifting.

 

If she has anger issues, then you are probably co-dependent.

I bet a bag of lakrisbåter (Norwegian liquorice) on that

I remember being proud - proud that I only raised my voice 6 times in 6 years to my ex, I call him dildo face.

 

Fu*k that!

 

I bet your ex was like mine, an arch manipulator.

Who needs it?

 

Simon Phoenix is right. Since no contact will give you a place to calm down those panic/desperate feelings,

or just those thoughts that make you say things you wouldn't say if you were a couple or if you weren't so heart broken.

 

You are doing and feeling all this because of the break up.

 

With no contact, either with some kind of message that is just a short message that ends with something like this:

I will be in touch when I am ready.

This shows her the door is not closed, you are not telling her:

Never or No.

 

You are actually giving yourself and her an opportunity to meet again when things are cooled down.

 

I used this one, and I am now reconnecting with my ex, after 10 months of no contact:

 

«I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

I suggest you send her this one, instead of the lame update e-mail you are threatening to send.

 

No contact will also turn the situation of today upside down.


Now it is all about her and what she wants.

Yes, it is.

 

During and after no contact it will be all about you, and what you want.


Now that's what I call progress!

You'll plant a seed with no contact, and then you must let it grow.

 

In the mean time don't worry about her, and just continue to live your life -
 keep evolving, that's all you can do.

Also, all these feelings you are having now,

are the negative feelings you will work out during your personal evolution.

 

If you work on getting your life back, you will attract the love of your life -

maybe it won't even be the ex you were after - but in the end does it really matter?

I advice you to make a plan to get your life back, and by doing this you will attract the ex back.

 

If you can't make a plan, buy the e-book magic of making up, it will give you a plan to follow.

 

By doing no contact, she knows you're not fu*king around,

plus you could find someone even better than your ex.

 

Someone that doesn't ask you to shut the fu*k up all the time,

or gets angry if you say green when she is thinking of the colour blue.

 

No, let Ms. Angry Bird cool down, and maybe she'll evolve to someone that gets her s*it together,

evolve to someone that gets that life is too short to be angry or yell at someone - especially someone you love.

Only time I can see it is ok to yell at someone, is if you are yelling:

Look out for that bus!

And you get back to your old self, you know, when you used to not be afraid of your own voice.

 

Not afraid of conflict.

Not having to relieve someones anger issues.

 

Do you really want to be that couple?

That couple where the girlfriend/wife has anger issues, she never has to deal with, because you enable her?

 

You just give her space to be mean to you?

 

Even better? Do you want her to be that mom? I don't think so.

 

Drama only creates more drama.

Stop trying to find excuses to hold yourself back, you will regret it.

You will crave your drug - your ex - for a long time.

It is normal to think obsessively about the ex as your brain searches to get its fix of love hormones.

 

Make a pros and cons list - it is a good start.

That will help you evolve, look at it every time you begin to have withdrawal/miss the ex-hole.

[Minneloa]

You know, I relate to wanting alternatives to NC. I mean, there's a part of me that wants to squirm & wriggle & sweet talk myself into contacting my ex. The problem is that this alternative requires an alternative REALITY in which my ex did not leave me. So, I'm stuck with NC, because it's the only way to face the freaking facts.

 

As you can tell, I am a little crabby in my NC bunker today. But I will stay here and fight until I am ready to emerge, indifferent.

[Romaks]

I almost broke NC today but I resisted the urge.

 

I wanted to call her and say: "I'm having trouble moving on because a part of me hopes that we will get back together. I need you to tell me definitively that we won't."

 

I don't really know what I was going to accomplish, but it seemed appealing and liberating to hear what she would say to that.

 

I have not done this, and I know I shouldn't but thoughts like that seem to always pop into my head.

 

Thora-tiki, I have mad respect for you as I have been following your story. Your advice is always on point and even optimistic. Could I ask you to please read my story in my signature? I know your advice would be invaluable.

[StyleOnEm]

I almost broke NC today but I resisted the urge.

 

I wanted to call her and say: "I'm having trouble moving on because a part of me hopes that we will get back together. I need you to tell me definitively that we won't."

 

I don't really know what I was going to accomplish, but it seemed appealing and liberating to hear what she would say to that.

 

I have not done this, and I know I shouldn't but thoughts like that seem to always pop into my head.

 

Thora-tiki, I have mad respect for you as I have been following your story. Your advice is always on point and even optimistic. Could I ask you to please read my story in my signature? I know your advice would be invaluable.

 

Wow. DO NOT EVERRRRR say that to your ex. That is about as desperate as it can get.

 

Trust me, it is not appealing in the least bit.

[Romaks]

I know, I completely understand!

 

I didn't even understand why I was seriously considering saying that. I felt like it was a test, and I obviously passed by not giving in. I've been NC for 3 weeks and counting now.

[melell]

I know what you mean, I would like to no for sure that it was over, or that they had found someone else so that I knew there was no chance.

 

It would be much easier to move on that way.

 

My ex contacted me recently, said he missed me, thought of me all the time etc.

 

What a mind f***.

 

It is so easy for hope to come creeping back in.

 

We need to make it so we are ok with ourselves no matter what the outcome, pity that it is such a hard thing to do.

[Farsight]

I notice that a lot of men and women in our forum, use the excuse that their ex was hurt by an ex BF/GF,

or the ex has some other emotional, or psychological disorder (your ex has anger issues)

that prevents the ex from being what we want them to be (totally committed to us).

 

Well, she has all kinds of issuies that made the relationship stressfull for her. And in the end she tought it wasn't worth it.

 

 

If she has anger issues, then you are probably co-dependent.

I bet a bag of lakrisbåter (Norwegian liquorice) on that

I remember being proud - proud that I only raised my voice 6 times in 6 years to my ex, I call him dildo face.

 

Fu*k that!

 

I bet your ex was like mine, an arch manipulator.

Who needs it?

NO not really, I would like to think that so it would be more easy for me. But she was genuiely upset or angry sometimes without a plan behind it to get what she wanted. She was unstable though

 

Simon Phoenix is right. Since no contact will give you a place to calm down those panic/desperate feelings,

or just those thoughts that make you say things you wouldn't say if you were a couple or if you weren't so heart broken.

Yeah thats a good one. I am kinda proud I never did say those desperate things to her.(its been 2 months already)

 

 

 

I used this one, and I am now reconnecting with my ex, after 10 months of no contact:

 

«I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

 

Well its kinda to late for that. I already said something like that 3 weeks after the break up. 2 months later it's a godo chance she will think "uhh yeah whatever we already went LC"

 

 

No contact will also turn the situation of today upside down.


Now it is all about her and what she wants.

Yes, it is.

 

During and after no contact it will be all about you, and what you want.


Now that's what I call progress!

Yeah I wish it would have been a cleaner break and that I was more direct with her when I asked for no contact. I don't think she thinks that she can't contatc me.

 

 

No, let Ms. Angry Bird cool down, and maybe she'll evolve to someone that gets her s*it together,

evolve to someone that gets that life is too short to be angry or yell at someone - especially someone you love.

Well thats true it isn't normal behavior or anything. But she knew that. Adn she felt bad about her tantrums. If she didnt I would have broken up with her.

Only time I can see it is ok to yell at someone, is if you are yelling:

Look out for that bus!

Hahaha

And you get back to your old self, you know, when you used to not be afraid of your own voice.

 

Not afraid of conflict.

Not having to relieve someones anger issues.

Thx that really helps

 

 

Even better? Do you want her to be that mom? I don't think so.

 

Drama only creates more drama.

Yeah I know waht you mean. I thought about this. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone or want her to be the mother of my children if she has anger issieus.

Make a pros and cons list - it is a good start.

That will help you evolve, look at it every time you begin to have withdrawal/miss the ex-hole.

 

Hmmm maybe I do that. But are we not lying to are selfs just to relieve the heartbreak? Focussing on the negative?

[Farsight]

For my BU story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/422943-will-staying-best-friends-get-them-back

 

2 weeks prelimanry talking about break up 2 weeks emotions from her side and LC from my side.

And 3 1/2 week NC.

Now she texted me to get my stuff and bring back hers.

Its been a week since I said yeah I will mail you.I didn't (so agian 1 week NC

 

And I have 4 options.

 

Or I will send a catch up mail that friendly and asking about her.

Or I do only 2 sentences when i bring the stuff.

Or something in between.

Or forget about my stuff and just but her stuff in her mailbox without any communication.

 

Also she still didn't block me on facebook. She doens't know when I am on facebook. Shall I unblock her? So she has a chance to contact me?

A month ago she said she wanted to stay in contact 6 weeks ago it was she wanted to stay best friends. The last texts where very bussiness liek also she didn't contact me for a 3 1/2 weeks so.

 

Why she didn't conatc me? Maybe its just a game of well he doens't so I don't either.

 

The break up wasn't premeditated (yes really, no really!). But we had problems. Also she was completely f up for 2 weeks at least after the break up. Untill I said i wanted LC.

 

I've been struggling with the LC/NC/friends question from the beginning. after 2 weeks I thought for my own sanity LC/NC was best. after 4 weeks I thought **** it I go NC see what happens.

 

The thing is I don't knwo what see is thinking. Untill 5 weeks ago she was contemplating that we maybe get back together. We had a bit of a fight when I started NC. So maybe she is just shy or thinks I lost intrest completely. Or mayeb she jsut moved on?

 

Thats why I am thinking 1 last friendly email she how she reacts? Just catching up talk. Its so hard you guys!

[Simon Phoenix]

No matter how many times or how many ways you ask the same question, the answer is still the same: NC, NC, NC! Send her her stuff without a note, keep her blocked on Facebook (if she really wants to get a hold of you a Facebook block won't stop her) and stop with the "best friend" crap. She wants you to be a friend on her terms -- meaning that when she feels bad, she wants to have you as an emotional tampon. She hasn't contacted you in 3.5 weeks because she is content with things, therefore she has no use for you at the present time. And there is no email you can possibly send that will trigger her to say "Oh yeah, I really do love him and want him! I was so silly to break up!" That sh*t works in the movies because movies are entertainment -- it's not applicable to the real world.

 

Seriously dude, no matter how many times you try to rephrase this question, the answer won't change.

[Farsight]

No matter how many times or how many ways you ask the same question, the answer is still the same: NC, NC, NC! Send her her stuff without a note, keep her blocked on Facebook (if she really wants to get a hold of you a Facebook block won't stop her) and stop with the "best friend" crap. She wants you to be a friend on her terms -- meaning that when she feels bad, she wants to have you as an emotional tampon. She hasn't contacted you in 3.5 weeks because she is content with things, therefore she has no use for you at the present time. And there is no email you can possibly send that will trigger her to say "Oh yeah, I really do love him and want him! I was so silly to break up!" That sh*t works in the movies because movies are entertainment -- it's not applicable to the real world.

 

Seriously dude, no matter how many times you try to rephrase this question, the answer won't change.

 

Yeah your right it's kind off the smae question.

I guess this happens when you don't have a clean break.

 

But F*ck its so hard. I still have hope half of the time. Maybe I just need to hear from her she hates me or something.

I just didn't want to get hurt anymore so after 2 weeks I asked LC/NC. And when I asked that was the first time she said her feelings had changed. I try to convince myself that it won't work and that she is not interested.But I never begged or pleaded I didn't have 30 rejection I only had 1 and then I got scared.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah your right it's kind off the smae question.

I guess this happens when you don't have a clean break.

 

But F*ck its so hard. I still have hope half of the time. Maybe I just need to hear from her she hates me or something.

I just didn't want to get hurt anymore so after 2 weeks I asked LC/NC. And when I asked that was the first time she said her feelings had changed. I try to convince myself that it won't work and that she is not interested.But I never begged or pleaded I didn't have 30 rejection I only had 1 and then I got scared.

 

There's no such thing as a clean break. And one rejection is all you need. Odds are that she won't tell you that she hates you and even if you did, you'd be here asking if she really meant it.