cin Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Another question, if you folks don't mind (I posted a little while ago needing advice). I am thinking of moving to a friend's house for a week or so, to clear my mind and get a little distance. But to be TOTALLY honest, I'm hoping this will force "X" to re-evaluate our relationship, and treat me with more respect and desire. I know, this makes me sound like a high-schooler, and not the 44 year old woman that I am! FYI, we have been together 8 years this coming February. Usually X is sweet, calls me at work each day to say I love you ... but when it's time to party or go on vacation, it's not with me, but with friends with more money than I have (we keep our finances separate). Anyway, is a trial separation stupid ... will this be forcing us apart more, when my goal is to get together more? I would appreciate any other folks experience ... it seems like our conflict is about money, but it is very different than what anyone else has written about here. When started our relationship we keep our finances separate, as we were both fiercely independent. It has come back to bite me in the a@@. So separation or no???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cin Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 Just a quick note -- my partner's birthday is wednesday, and she told me that she's going to mexico for a week with her sister (who has money), her best friend (who has money) and her friend's partner. I believe a partner/spouse should spend their birthday with their partner/spouse. That's why I feel so hurt, and am thinking of this separation. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 While I can understand that you wish to be included in going on Vacations and the like.. and IMO should be included.. the deal is this.. be careful what you wish for. You're talking about seperating, it seems to teach your SO a lesson.. to make her think about what she is doing and what she want's.. IMO this is a game to get what YOU want. Again.. I do think you should be included in going on Vacations etc.. but I'm wondering.. IF you wanted to along then why didn't you speak with your girl regarding this so the TWO of you could figure out a way for the both of you to go.. it isn't that you were not invited to come along right? IF you decide to go to a friends house for a seperation time.. just be prepared to loose her, because it could happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cin Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 Yup -- and that goes with your saying ... "don't write a check your a@@ can't cash!" I know, I have to think about this .... Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 You will get the physical distance, of course. Whether you get the emotional distance remains to be seen, though. You speak of the both of you being fiercely independent, but it appears that your friend/partner is the more so, & that you are not as independent as you believe yourself to be. Reading your other thread leaves me with the impression that such a separation will be much harder on you than on your SO. Most trial separations run considerably longer than a week, as the changes necessary will likely take much longer than that. What is a week? Many married couples are apart for longer periods on a regular basis (i.e. job-related travel, naval sea deployments, etc.). Trial separations usually last at least several months, & one may expect the separation itself & the aftermath to occupy at least a year of one's life. Merin raises a good point. If you leave, will it be "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," or "Out of sight-out of mind?" Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 cin, Sorry I assumed X was a man in your other post. I think leaving might be a good idea. I think you should do it for yourself, to get yourself back. You say you both are fiercely independent people, but it sounds to me like X has all the power in your relationship. You can't talk to her about the problem because she doesn't like conflict. She goes on trips and doesn't invite you, or care that you can't go. You are left to feel like a neglected child. If you stay, you are going to have to come to terms with the situation. If you are as independent as you say you are, then you will have to get to a place where you can accept X's actions as part of her, as it doesn't sound as if she is willing to change. If her other qualities balance out these problems, then it might be worth it. Only you know that. But I am concerned about you. It seems to me that you are being diminished in this relationship. That you don't have a true partnership. Maybe that's okay, but you will either have to accept that it is not a true partnership, or make some changes yourself. Moving out would be the way of telling her you can't accept the relationship as it is. Right now there are no consequences for X's bad behavior, other than your unhappiness, and for some reason X is willing to accept that. She may not be willing to accept your leaving however, or then again she may. It would certainly be a risky move. You just have to decide what kind of relationship you want, and what kind of behavior you are willing to accept from X. I think I might even sit down and write out "pros" and "cons" on paper. This will help you to look at the situation more objectively, instead of being led by emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
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