My situation

[Benj7381]

Girlfriends at school studying and so she stops answering my texts at 230 pm. I don't hear from her until 130 am in the morning saying she was out instead at a party (found out later shed been invited by other members of her Rez but none of her friends were there). She said she can't talk going go sleep and that was it. Then at 10am I woke up ad checked texts. We talked sweet and stuff just put of the blue. I am in love with her so I do it to keep the romance going at a distance. I promised if always love her. Even if something bad happened. But then it occurred to me that this wasn't ordinary of we to be talking like that. I asked if something happened, but I was expecting it to be nothing.

 

She told me she had gone to this party and gotten so drunk that she doesn't remember anything. She woke up in a guys house in the morning. She told me that the guy told her that he had fingered her and she had slept in his bed with him that night after the party.

 

Naturally I was shocked. And began asking questions and losing my cool.

She told me they didn't kiss. He said to her that she wouldn't let him kiss her. I don't get why she could avoid that but not the going home with him or the fingering. She doesn't have feelings for him she says she was just too drunk to even know how it happened. She said he did make her orgasm and that besides the fingering nothing else happened. Before this she was always so innocent. I was the only one and she was a very good girl. I trust her when she says something. I'm upset because we had a pure relationship and it was me and her for just over two years now no troubles. It hurts that it's all been ruined by one drunken night.

 

I can't stop imagining this random guy fingering we and her fighting it and just giving in and enjoying it. It's unfair that were so far away and he gets to enjoy my girlfriend and sleep next to her ad party or dance with her while I'm far away. I imagine her moaning for him. She got off so I guess she enjoyed it. But she said in the morning she cried.

 

I'm afraid there's more that he's not telling me. Or bits of the story that have changed. Especially not kissing him. I get gut wrenching just thinking about any of it. And I don't know what to do.

 

She studied all of the day she told me. We barely talked and when we did Skype I just couldn't talk about the problem. It's not the same as dog in person where she could at least comfort me somehow. At night she said we could talk again at midnight. We talked for 5 minutes on Skype and she said she had to go to wake up for a midterm. But I wasn't done and she ended up hanging up on me. She just said goodnight and left and wouldn't answer my texts and left me heartbroken to get by on my own. She knows I have no one to talk to right now. And that's why I'm using this website.

 

I believe in true love and that we find someone who's meant for us. If you could see how we were before you'd agree that we were the definition of true love. I still believe she's prefect. It's just that I don't want a drunken night to ruin that. Or is that just because I can't bring myself to believe it's ruined and it will never be back. I'm so unprepared for this and I'm especially unprepared to stop loving her.

 

Some advice would be handy or just someone's view on the situation from another person would be great. I'm not sure if you people are going to say just end it. But I don't know if I can do that so even if you're brutally honest it's just really hard to take the advice. I really need someone to talk to right now so I guess that's what I want people to respond for. Any response is helpful.

 

I still love her and she still loves me. My minds just so confused now and I dot know what to do next. Go ahead and comment what you like. Thanks for the read guys and girls.

-Ben

[sibernox]

Break up with her. Trust me.

[Philosoraptor]

If this wasn't consentual then she needs to inform the police that she was raped. If she does not take to that then you can be pretty sure it was consentual.

 

If it was consentual it's easy to see she's minimalizing at the very least. She avoided contacting you and slept over some guys house. Odds are they kissed and had sex but she's not forthcoming with that information.

 

If she wasn't raped she's a liar and a cheat. And you can't keep tabs on her 24/7, so is it worth the stress and emotional drain to constantly wonder who she's banging?

[Benj7381]

Forgot to mention that we don't have sex. It's not a Religious thing either. We just don't. She's an innocent kind of girl. She's only even been with me and she wants to keep her innocence so we never had sex. I'm not bugged by it because I enjoy fooling around other ways more. That's just a preference. I really don't think they banged because she would for sure be in pain and she would probably be more worried about that being a rape. But she does not agree it was rape. She knows she let him finger her. She just claims she's way to drunk. She's super lightweight. Very small girl. First drink was only a month ago.

 

Hope this information makes the situation clearer.

 

I'm positive they didn't have sex. But idk that they didn't kiss or she got him off or anything. She claims all that happened was he put his finger inside her. That's all. But who knows. She's was too drunk to remember and all we have for information is the dick who fingered a girl who he knew had a boyfriend.

**** I wish I was there.

[Philosoraptor]

Don't absolve her of her part in this. If it wasn't rape then she made the choice to do whatever she did with him. It was her choice, she owes you loyalty... he owes you nothing.

[Benj7381]

But can she really be drunk enough to not even get what's going on? Is that even possible. I know how I feel when I'm ****ed up and i never get like that but for her size and weight and being new to alcohol, is that possible? It's not like it's not her fault. She still ****ing cheated. But like can she be so drunk that she just agreed to let this guy finger **** her?

[Philosoraptor]

Look, she should be begging for your forgiveness right now. Instead she is giving you little bits of your time and you're the one putting in all the effort to keep the relationship stable. She should have been up with you all night long talking to you and trying to fix this, instead she gave you 5 minutes and went to bed.

 

I don't care how drunk she was as her actions now are just as bad as her choosing to cheat and get into bed with another man. And she can't say she doesn't remember much then tell you she only did x, y, and z.

 

She's still lying to you and minimalizing things here. If you want to ever figure this out you need to demand her time and grow a backbone.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girlfriends at school studying and so she stops answering my texts at 230 pm. I don't hear from her until 130 am in the morning saying she was out instead at a party (found out later shed been invited by other members of her Rez but none of her friends were there). She said she can't talk going go sleep and that was it. Then at 10am I woke up ad checked texts. We talked sweet and stuff just put of the blue. I am in love with her so I do it to keep the romance going at a distance. I promised if always love her. Even if something bad happened. But then it occurred to me that this wasn't ordinary of we to be talking like that. I asked if something happened, but I was expecting it to be nothing.

 

She told me she had gone to this party and gotten so drunk that she doesn't remember anything. She woke up in a guys house in the morning. She told me that the guy told her that he had fingered her and she had slept in his bed with him that night after the party.

 

Naturally I was shocked. And began asking questions and losing my cool.

She told me they didn't kiss. He said to her that she wouldn't let him kiss her. I don't get why she could avoid that but not the going home with him or the fingering. She doesn't have feelings for him she says she was just too drunk to even know how it happened. She said he did make her orgasm and that besides the fingering nothing else happened. Before this she was always so innocent. I was the only one and she was a very good girl. I trust her when she says something. I'm upset because we had a pure relationship and it was me and her for just over two years now no troubles. It hurts that it's all been ruined by one drunken night.

 

I can't stop imagining this random guy fingering we and her fighting it and just giving in and enjoying it. It's unfair that were so far away and he gets to enjoy my girlfriend and sleep next to her ad party or dance with her while I'm far away. I imagine her moaning for him. She got off so I guess she enjoyed it. But she said in the morning she cried.

 

I'm afraid there's more that he's not telling me. Or bits of the story that have changed. Especially not kissing him. I get gut wrenching just thinking about any of it. And I don't know what to do.

 

She studied all of the day she told me. We barely talked and when we did Skype I just couldn't talk about the problem. It's not the same as dog in person where she could at least comfort me somehow. At night she said we could talk again at midnight. We talked for 5 minutes on Skype and she said she had to go to wake up for a midterm. But I wasn't done and she ended up hanging up on me. She just said goodnight and left and wouldn't answer my texts and left me heartbroken to get by on my own. She knows I have no one to talk to right now. And that's why I'm using this website.

 

I believe in true love and that we find someone who's meant for us. If you could see how we were before you'd agree that we were the definition of true love. I still believe she's prefect. It's just that I don't want a drunken night to ruin that. Or is that just because I can't bring myself to believe it's ruined and it will never be back. I'm so unprepared for this and I'm especially unprepared to stop loving her.

 

Some advice would be handy or just someone's view on the situation from another person would be great. I'm not sure if you people are going to say just end it. But I don't know if I can do that so even if you're brutally honest it's just really hard to take the advice. I really need someone to talk to right now so I guess that's what I want people to respond for. Any response is helpful.

 

I still love her and she still loves me. My minds just so confused now and I dot know what to do next. Go ahead and comment what you like. Thanks for the read guys and girls.

-Ben

 

If she can't remember anything, then it's absolutely possible that she did have sex with him. She has no idea what happened that night. According to her.

 

If that is the truth, she needs to file a police report because it wasn't consensual. That constitutes a sexual assault / rape. Tell her that the next time you are with her, you're going to take her to the nearest police station to report it.

[Benj7381]

@Expatinitaly

 

Look at one of my posts after the original post. She didn't have sex I'm sure of that. And she doesn't consider it a rape. She may have been talked into the sexual encounter but she didn't say no. She let him finger her. Or whatever else happened if there is more to it.

 

@Philosoraptor

 

Thank you for talking.

You're opinion hurts me but it helps.

 

Congratulations on your engagement.

You two look great together.

[ExpatInItaly]

@Expatinitaly

 

Look at one of my posts after the original post. She didn't have sex I'm sure of that. And she doesn't consider it a rape. She may have been talked into the sexual encounter but she didn't say no. She let him finger her. Or whatever else happened if there is more to it.

 

@Philosoraptor

 

Thank you for talking.

You're opinion hurts me but it helps.

 

Congratulations on your engagement.

You two look great together.

 

I read all your posts. What I'm saying is that if she "doesn't remember anything" then she theoretically can't be sure she didn't have sex with him. You definitely can't be sure of that; I realize you want to believe her, but you weren't there OP. Her story is contradictory - how does she know she let him if she has no memory of it? Someone who is so drunk that they cannot remember anything is probably nearly passed out, and cannot consent to a sexual act.

 

She isn't being honest with you. She obviously remembers and is trying to minimize her willingness to be intimate with another guy. Be very cautious from here on out. At worst, she was assaulted. At best, she's a liar and a cheater.

[GatsbyMH]

In my opinion, we are all chemical creatures. We are propelled by hormones and who all knows what to do things of an animal nature. That does not excuse her but to me it kind of indicates what happened. She wanted to be good, got tipsy and had a cute guy showing her attention. One thing leads to another...

 

You can't really take my opinion for anything but biased. I am a cheater. I kind of understand the nature of it, from my point of view at least. If I had to make a suggestion in this case, in a long distance relationship, it's going to be really hard to regain trust and the connection you used to have. Issues like this will probably continue to arise.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and you can chalk this up as hers. You can forgive her and try to work through it if she is willing. In my opinion, since the trust is broken, she has guilt of it and the long distance part. It probably won't last. I do wish you the best of luck though.

[Benj7381]

Thanks everyone. I got her to talk for about 20 minutes before her midterm. Pretty sure I'm single as of now. She's the most beautiful person in the entire world. Both physically, intellectually, and personality wise. I'm not over it and in fact I still love her. I want her back but now she's assuring me the distance won't work. The little time we will get to spend with each other won't be enough over the next few years for her. She said she thought that before this all happened. So this just pushed her to talk to me about it.

 

I'd be lying if I said I don't want it to be over, even after all that. I still can't wait to see her again. And even though I find it unfair that we broke up over a long distance and she left me to suffer after the cheating and less and less communication, I still have feelings for her.

 

You can all call me stupid if you like but if you could have seen us before September in the last two years we've been more than perfect.

 

I don't know what to do now.

Any suggestions? Keep it serious please.

 

Thanks again.

[Maxtor]

Don't ever contact her again. Don't let the drunk part be an excuse, remember, she went to a party without even telling you, she stopped responding to your messages, after the incident, she had minimal effort to apolagize and make things work. I know its hard, and you still thinking of her, im going through some crazy stuff right now, but, it is what it is.

 

I advise you to start working out, martial arts, improve youself.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks everyone. I got her to talk for about 20 minutes before her midterm. Pretty sure I'm single as of now. She's the most beautiful person in the entire world. Both physically, intellectually, and personality wise. I'm not over it and in fact I still love her. I want her back but now she's assuring me the distance won't work. The little time we will get to spend with each other won't be enough over the next few years for her. She said she thought that before this all happened. So this just pushed her to talk to me about it.

 

I'd be lying if I said I don't want it to be over, even after all that. I still can't wait to see her again. And even though I find it unfair that we broke up over a long distance and she left me to suffer after the cheating and less and less communication, I still have feelings for her.

 

You can all call me stupid if you like but if you could have seen us before September in the last two years we've been more than perfect.

 

I don't know what to do now.

Any suggestions? Keep it serious please.

 

Thanks again.

As Cement said, we all saw this coming. It followed a standard path. She cheated, and it wasn't due to the alcohol. She knew what she was doing and may have even had it planned out when she decided to fall off the radar and go to that party.

 

Take a few minutes and take a breath. Then re-read your posts here and imagine it was a sibling or your best friend saying he was dealing with the same issue. What advice would you give him? His girlfriend cheated then suddenly decided the relationship was over because after all this time the distance was too much.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks everyone. I got her to talk for about 20 minutes before her midterm. Pretty sure I'm single as of now. She's the most beautiful person in the entire world. Both physically, intellectually, and personality wise. I'm not over it and in fact I still love her. I want her back but now she's assuring me the distance won't work. The little time we will get to spend with each other won't be enough over the next few years for her. She said she thought that before this all happened. So this just pushed her to talk to me about it.

 

I'd be lying if I said I don't want it to be over, even after all that. I still can't wait to see her again. And even though I find it unfair that we broke up over a long distance and she left me to suffer after the cheating and less and less communication, I still have feelings for her.

 

You can all call me stupid if you like but if you could have seen us before September in the last two years we've been more than perfect.

 

I don't know what to do now.

Any suggestions? Keep it serious please.

 

Thanks again.

 

Unfortunately, this is not surprising news. It was clear she couldn't stay committed, but she let it go too far before having the guts to tell you she wanted to end the relationship.

 

OP, this is the best thing that could have happened right now. Why? Because if she really felt that she couldn't handle the distance, then these drunken hook-ups would likely have happened again and you'd be hurting even more. The dwindling communication would have gotten worse, and you'd have agonized every time she didn't call back or was un-reachable.

 

For now, you need to give her space. You don't really have a choice in that matter. Don't contact her, don't check her FB/Twitter/whatever. She mistreated you and disrespected your relationship. I don't doubt she has great qualities, but she isn't a good girlfriend.

[James-London]

Hey there,

 

I read your post and I really felt your pain, so I wanted to drop you a line. The way you described the jealousy and betrayal is EXACTLY what I have been going through. So, the first point is that your are not alone buddy. Many of the guys on here have had similar experiences.

 

I know you are feeling totally torn and confused right now. You are finding it really hard to reconcile how sweet and loving she was with the idea that she could betray you in such a cruel way. I think the reason we all felt torn like this is because the brain understands that it is over and she has behaved badly but the emotionally the heart takes much longer to accept this. This conflict between the head and heart is causing so much confusion.

 

I am nearly 2 months after I found out about my ex-GF's infidelity and my heart is only just catching up now. You need to know that this WILL HURT for a while. You will have "mind movies" of them together and you will wake up in the morning in a sweat trying to analyse why this all happened. There is NO SHORTCUT to this. You have to go through this pain. All I can say is that it will get better in time. It does not feel like it now, but it will get better. While you are suffering, make sure you eat properly and at regular times. Also, exercise has been very helpful to me, as well as keeping a routine and having friends around me. Do some research on what else might work for you...

 

There are a few quick points you need to be aware of in no special order:

 

- alcohol does not take away your free will - this is a choice she made. Also, alcohol does not give you partial amnesia. It does not cherry pick the things you remember. So if she can remember the fingering, then she is lying if she says she doesn't remember if anything else happened.

 

- it is VERY important for you to realise that she is NOT fighting to get you back right now. This is what happened in my situation too. There are plenty of other threads on this forum where the cheating partner is on their knees begging to be taken back.... they go off to therapy, leave their jobs or university etc. You get the idea. THIS IS NOT THE CASE WITH YOU. (Nor was it the case with me). I found it very hard to accept this emotionally, but it really helped when I did accept this.

 

- love is about wanting to be with someone, not needing to be with someone. You can want to be with her, and you can miss her. But you are your own man and you must not lose your self-respect and dignity by needing to be with her (or anyone else for that matter). Remember, she has made it obvious that she does not need to be with you or want to be with you. If she wanted you, she would have MADE it work. Excuses about distance are just that - excuses. Plenty of people make long distance work if they both want it to.

 

- she emotionally left the relationship some time before cheating. She had doubts about you and/or the relationship for a while, and the cheating was the inevitable consequence. Unfortunately, girls can be very good at hiding their real feelings and they tend to bottle things up rather than express them.

 

- what the previous posters said about no contact is absolutely true. Do some research on this (on this forum and elsewhere) to understand more about what it involves and why it is important.

 

Finally, what you had over those 2 years was special. You should cherish the memories. Just because it ended like this does not mean she never loved you. All it means is that she stopped loving you sometime before she cheated. I am sorry that she was not more honest with you and was too cowardly to end it with you first, but that is how humans work. Whatever you do, DO NOT BLAME yourself. What she did was wrong and it was her choice alone. Nothing you did/didn't do is an excuse for what she did.

 

One more thought - make sure you grow from this experience. Do not become a bitter, twisted and mistrustful person. Ask yourself what you want in your next relationship? What are your needs? What will you not compromise on?.... For me it was better communication.

[James-London]

ps. sorry if the above is a mess of ideas. I'm just rushing out the house.

[Benj7381]

@james-London

Everything you just said was exactly dead on. Not one thing inaccurate. I am doing all the wrong things already it seems.

It's just hard to get over this because I'm really alone. All my friends are at school and farther away or busy. She was my best friend. If something was wrong I'd 100% always talk to her and everyday conversation with her would make me forget everything.

According to you guys I should stop talking to her and stop looking at her Facebook and change my habits of focussing I her but that's so hard when you're losing someone you've been this close to in over two years.

I know I'm stupid but it was just over a month ago we'd walk to a pancake place for breakfast together. It's just all down the drain in such a short time and in an extremely unexpected way I don't know if I can let go so quickly.

I would love to take your suggestions but it care about what happens to her. I want to know how her schooling is and her dance and French clubs and such. I wish I could preoccupy myself with friends but there aren't many choices or chances. And if this is going to last two month at least or more I definitely need someone here. I don't know what to do.

I took my father for a drive this morning for a talk about it. Ive had bad breakups and all but this girl is special and I was positive she'd never be unfaithful. It's just so crazy in my head.

 

James London if you need someone to talk to about your break up or anything we should talk more maybe because it sounds like we have a very similar problem. I'd like someone to talk to anyways but if you're past that part it's no problem. I'm sorry to hear it happened and I hope the pain passes soon.

 

You've been a big help. I'm still working

[Benj7381]

Working on what to do. Its all just so confusing and shocking.

 

Kind of glad I stumbled onto this site while I was moping. It's sad to think I'm connecting with people on here because of a break up but this is the only real advice I've gotten and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

Ben,

No one is going to tell you it's easy. When I arrived on this site I was just out of a 5 year relationship where we had bought a house together, engaged, and talking about wedding plans and kids. It was rough, but the more focus you put on yourself the easier it gets. Start living for you, and you'll see life turn around and the gray sky will have a silver lining... before you know it you'll have a clear blue sky.

 

Do things you've always wanted to do. I jumped out of a plane and started doing a lot of hiking, and before I knew it I was happy and moved on. Count yourself lucky, I had to see mine for 6 months dealing with separation of items and everything with the mortgage/deed to the house. Point is, you can recover from anything as long as you put the focus on yourself and your own happiness.

 

Take it one day at a time, and try to enjoy all the little things. The warm sunshine, fresh baked cookies, holding the door for an older couple, etc. So many joys in life you will miss out on by focusing on someone who didn't treat you right.

[James-London]

I remember I went through different psychological stages after I found out. First I was in total denial - I couldn't accept what had happened. After that I was desperately trying to fix things. I was desperately trying to justify how what she did MIGHT be acceptable and what she could do to win back my trust. Then I had despair with lots of crying. Then it was anger and finally acceptance. These were not strictly one after the other, I was still dipping in and out of each one.

 

It was a big step when I realised it could not be fixed. That allowed me to focus on moving on rather than trying to repair the damage of something that was unfixable. The big thing that helped me to do this was realising that my xgf was not really fighting to get me back.

 

In time you will start to re-evaluate your perception of your xgf. You talk about how she would not talk to you on the phone that time or take the time to explain. After 2 years together she owed you more than that. Nobody here is saying you need to move on quickly. You take all the time you need.

 

If you don't have anyone near you, I recommend you try to meet new people. Even if you can't talk about this stuff, they will keep you busy.

 

Finally, all those happy times are not "all down the drain". I think she probably did love you at one point, so those times were real. Put those memories in a box in your mind and you can visit them from time to time. But, do not confuse the girl she was then with the girl she became when she emotionally left the relationship and eventually cheated on you. This new girl is someone that cheated you cruelly and selfishly in both the cheating itself and afterwards.

 

There were lots of points where your xgf could have avoided the cheating, but she didn't. Bottom line is that she wanted to cheat. Sorry to say that. This is just not excusable in any way.

[Benj7381]

She is the most honest person I've ever met. I just feel like if she wanted to end it for a different reason besides the distance and not seeing or talking enough she would have told me. I know it sounds craZy but I just do trust her.

She's very firm in saying that it's over and that there's nothing we can do we've already broken up. But I'm trying to be understanding. I don't know if she cheated on purpose. I believed in the drunken accident and she came forward with it very quickly. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or it doesn't make me question things or worry., but I didn't know that our relationship was on the line. I thought that after I got the information about the cheating I was on charge. I thought I get to call the shots with whether we move on or not. I feel it's not fair that I didn't have a say in what happened and how abruptly it ended. But I still want to forget the cheating. I know it replays in my was and I know I thurt wen I think about her moaning or someone else getting pleasure from touching my girl. But honestly I just want it to go back to the way it was four days ago. Befor the breakup. Before the party and all of that. I can overcome the distance and I will be able to see her more often in about two weeks I can go visit. And often. I just want our relationship back. I am not sure if that's the right choice but she's worth the effort. I'm positive she was before and I'm not ready to call her a dishonest or careless person yet.

 

Maybe you're right and I will see her in a different way now and see her as a bad guy. And if that happens then I want to be the one with the control to end it. But you're right it is denial. I refuse to accept that it's over. It was all like a nightmare before. And it was all real and I couldn't believe it. But now I believe it and I can't accept it.

 

According to James-London anothe phase was trying to get her back. That's what I'm going to try. But I'm going to try to do it without pushing her away. I think there's things we need to talk about but I just can't bring them up with her until she's settled or something. Right now it's first ear uni. She's studying hard usually and doig midterms. Keeping a social life and a little contact with friends and family here and there. Maybe it's just adjusting to the pressure and changes. Maybe she's needed to be with someone besides me. I'm her first serious relationship and she's a mature and intelligent girl but still young. Maybe she needed other experiences. And maybe one day we'll be back together. Maybe it's just the school and she can't communicate with me enough and well come back once school stress has settled. I could be dreaming. And I I know it sounds like I'm defending her but that's because I am. She's still an angel to me. Since the cheating I've been mean to her. But I still care that I hurt her feelings. Maybe nt as much as I am hurting but hurting we none the less. I can't think bad thoughts about her even though thoughts of her being depressed and heartbroken Sometimes come to me and sort of soothe my mind. I still think highly of her. It's humiliating but it feels like the right thing to do. Standing by your woman. I've said ad thought bad things but in this situation how couldn't i?

 

But listen, do I ever love her guys. It's just one of those feelings. I feel like sticking by is the right thing. Maybe being the boyfriend isn't right right now. She needs me to be the friend supporting for school. I need her to e the girlfriend supporting me for depression. It's not a win win situation at all. But it's possible to help eachpther. If I don't try something then I will lose her all together. If I try something and lose her I'll still be going through the depression. Nothing I can do there.

 

As much as i appreciate this forum for the great talks and ideas and stories guys, when I read these I tend to come to worse thoughts than I do on my own. I don't want to think badly of her. Whether I'm holding up an imaginable cover to keep my old image of her alive or it is truthfully my girlfriend standing there and I'm just hurting myself allowing these terrible images in, I can't think badly if her. I'm holding myself to that. I am still going to read these posts but I can't take every bit of advice that is present. As you can see.

 

Well here it goes. You can wish me luck or bud me warning. It's going to be a very sad and humiliating times for the next while for me. Feel free to tell me what I am doing wrong or throw some new advice. I enjoy both.

 

Thanks again guys.

[Benj7381]

I guess so. We'll see. It can't get much worse than this I've already lost her.

[Sparta]

Yeah I guess you need to to have your balls handed to you did you don't listen to these guys she has no respect for you she's done and she's f***ing this guy!!!!

Dude you haven't even had sex with her get over it and move on if you have any respect for yourself would never talk to her again The more you beg and try to make it work less respect she's going to have and the more she's going to believe she did the right thing. Get some balls dude..!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

She is the most honest person I've ever met. I just feel like if she wanted to end it for a different reason besides the distance and not seeing or talking enough she would have told me. I know it sounds craZy but I just do trust her.

She's very firm in saying that it's over and that there's nothing we can do we've already broken up. But I'm trying to be understanding. I don't know if she cheated on purpose. I believed in the drunken accident and she came forward with it very quickly. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or it doesn't make me question things or worry., but I didn't know that our relationship was on the line. I thought that after I got the information about the cheating I was on charge. I thought I get to call the shots with whether we move on or not. I feel it's not fair that I didn't have a say in what happened and how abruptly it ended. But I still want to forget the cheating. I know it replays in my was and I know I thurt wen I think about her moaning or someone else getting pleasure from touching my girl. But honestly I just want it to go back to the way it was four days ago. Befor the breakup. Before the party and all of that. I can overcome the distance and I will be able to see her more often in about two weeks I can go visit. And often. I just want our relationship back. I am not sure if that's the right choice but she's worth the effort. I'm positive she was before and I'm not ready to call her a dishonest or careless person yet.

 

Maybe you're right and I will see her in a different way now and see her as a bad guy. And if that happens then I want to be the one with the control to end it. But you're right it is denial. I refuse to accept that it's over. It was all like a nightmare before. And it was all real and I couldn't believe it. But now I believe it and I can't accept it.

 

According to James-London anothe phase was trying to get her back. That's what I'm going to try. But I'm going to try to do it without pushing her away. I think there's things we need to talk about but I just can't bring them up with her until she's settled or something. Right now it's first ear uni. She's studying hard usually and doig midterms. Keeping a social life and a little contact with friends and family here and there. Maybe it's just adjusting to the pressure and changes. Maybe she's needed to be with someone besides me. I'm her first serious relationship and she's a mature and intelligent girl but still young. Maybe she needed other experiences. And maybe one day we'll be back together. Maybe it's just the school and she can't communicate with me enough and well come back once school stress has settled. I could be dreaming. And I I know it sounds like I'm defending her but that's because I am. She's still an angel to me. Since the cheating I've been mean to her. But I still care that I hurt her feelings. Maybe nt as much as I am hurting but hurting we none the less. I can't think bad thoughts about her even though thoughts of her being depressed and heartbroken Sometimes come to me and sort of soothe my mind. I still think highly of her. It's humiliating but it feels like the right thing to do. Standing by your woman. I've said ad thought bad things but in this situation how couldn't i?

 

But listen, do I ever love her guys. It's just one of those feelings. I feel like sticking by is the right thing. Maybe being the boyfriend isn't right right now. She needs me to be the friend supporting for school. I need her to e the girlfriend supporting me for depression. It's not a win win situation at all. But it's possible to help eachpther. If I don't try something then I will lose her all together. If I try something and lose her I'll still be going through the depression. Nothing I can do there.

 

As much as i appreciate this forum for the great talks and ideas and stories guys, when I read these I tend to come to worse thoughts than I do on my own. I don't want to think badly of her. Whether I'm holding up an imaginable cover to keep my old image of her alive or it is truthfully my girlfriend standing there and I'm just hurting myself allowing these terrible images in, I can't think badly if her. I'm holding myself to that. I am still going to read these posts but I can't take every bit of advice that is present. As you can see.

 

Well here it goes. You can wish me luck or bud me warning. It's going to be a very sad and humiliating times for the next while for me. Feel free to tell me what I am doing wrong or throw some new advice. I enjoy both.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

It's not our advice you need to listen to...It's your ex-girlfriend's wish to end the relationship. You cannot force someone to be with you if they don't want it. And it's clear from her words that she doesn't want to be with you. You need to back off and let her go.