My situation

[giblesp]

If it was consensual, then you need to end it with her. Its not true love when your GF gets fingered by a man she meets at a party. Whatever happened before, this is the situation now.

 

She's not the sweet and innocent girl you though she was dude. You've been played, DUMP HER SHE'S NOT WORTH IT!

[Benj7381]

I'm positive she isn't ****ing this guy or anyone. The first time we wanted to have sex she cried because she can't handle the pain. It's a redhead thing. But she's small. And then I couldn't do it because I don't want to see her hurt of course. But anyways she's not ****ing another guy.

She's told me she still cares about me. I know we're not going to just talk and then I can convince her to be with me again. But I think if I'm there as a friend and not a boyfriend who misses her constantly she will see that distance won't break us apart and we can be together without a worry.

Anyways still good discussion. Every point of view gives me something to think about I guess. Thanks both of you

[giblesp]

Working on what to do. Its all just so confusing and shocking.

 

Ben, I'm going to emphasize the point that what this girl has done is pretty low. It's a nasty thing to cheat on your partner, and from what you said there's very little remorse or regret about it.

 

We put people on pedestals when we think we love them. After I caught my ex wife banging another man I thought I still loved her.

But when people act like this, they reveal their true nature. Selfish. Untrustworthy.

 

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself, is to cut her out completely. Girls(and men) like this are not deserving of romantic love.

[James-London]

As a previous poster said - you are likely in for a world of pain. My initial thought was to give you a lecture about how it is pointless to pursue this girl. However, when I was in your place a few weeks back I could not see reason either. On reflection, I think we maybe all need to go through the pain and learn these lessons for ourselves.

 

When you are going down to visit her or call her, ask yourself this: who is making the effort, the sacrifice, the investment? If you are important to her, what is she doing to prove this to you? If she is not showing she values you or is prepared to give anything for you, what kind of relationship is that? I suspect that she will not do anything to keep you in her life and you will realise this eventually, but only after you have gone through more hurt.

[Chi townD]

But can she really be drunk enough to not even get what's going on? Is that even possible. I know how I feel when I'm ****ed up and i never get like that but for her size and weight and being new to alcohol, is that possible? It's not like it's not her fault. She still ****ing cheated. But like can she be so drunk that she just agreed to let this guy finger **** her?

 

For a person that claims that she was too drunk to realize what was going on, she's sure forthcoming as hell with a lot of information that she was apparently too drunk to remember!!

 

Here's the deal, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what TRUELY happened. I speculate that there's a lot she's not telling you. That could explain why she's getting off Skype and the phone with you so quickly. She doesn't want to you start asking questions again because lies are hard to keep track of.

 

Dude, sorry to say this, but I think it's time to write her off. She's already starting to disengage herself from the relationship and you're already starting to see it.

[Benj7381]

She started off feeling guilty and obviously I could tell. But also I believe her that it was an accident. Even though everyone here has me believing she planned this or something? I have doubts but they're little. She turned from feeling guilty though to now being angry and calling me mean when I doubt her or don't trust her.

I want to forgive her. I can't get over it though if she's giving up on us completely because of the distance issue.

I want to work on getting us back together before addressing the cheating issue.

Of course, she's decided it's over and now she ignores me when I simply ask how her day is. It's impossible to talk to her. And even though I want to message her lots and ask her to reply or strike up a conversation on another topic I'm just sitting here waiting for any reply from her first from her phone, fb, or Skype.

I know she's really busy studying all the time. Honestly she's in engineering and when it comes to school work she's very much a perfectionist. She's jumped grades and does extra work all the time. Loves to learn. She's an intellectual person and schoolwork matters to her of course. So I know she's too busy.

But I also know that a little conversation here and there would help us stay in contact. We've always talked about being friends if uni didn't work for us. We've planned to stay friends ever since we fell in love. But idk if that will happen now.

 

We also had plans for this weekend when she comes home from university. They were iffy plans. Not certain. But it's thanksgiving and it would be a month and a half apart from eachpther so I figured they would happen. I invited her to my family dinner of course. Not sure if I had an invite to hers. And I don't know if she will be coming to mine now. It won't be the reuni

[Benj7381]

(Messages are cut up because I'm doing this by phone)

 

It won't be the reunion we'd hoped for. But she said we would talk face to face this weekend and she's too busy to talk about it now.

So now conversation is mostly me asking her how her day is or wishing her luck in her studies and tests. Then saying goodnight and I love you. Mostly I've gotten replies that say I can't tal I'm in class. And the rest are a broken up conversation because she's too busy to answer quickly. I'm barely contacting and it's hard to hold back but I am. I want her to come to me. I'd love for her to miss me. I'm prepared that it might not happen but I'm just hoping because to hear that for her would at least make one of my days brighter.

 

My plans for thanksgiving will be to re invite her. Hope things go well. I'm not going to be her boyfriend this weekend I guess. Hopefully she'll do the same for me. And maybe we can talk and understand eachpther more that way up front.

 

Also I keep worrying that when she doesn't have time to text me she has time to hang with friends. I had problem before but I understood her need for a social life and activity when going to a new school and all. But now that I'm not her boyfriend I'm not really in the position to feel jealous and I?

 

I just wish I could see what se was thinking. I just want to lay out everything straight up. I want to see where it went wrong because for me of we love eachpther then we'd make it work. No matter how little we are able to communicate or how far apart. And evn though she cheated she was fingered. It's not penetration and it's not as bad as it could have been. Still terrible but I do want to forgive her. I want to see what I have to do and what she has to do to keep it going. Maybe in her mind tere is absolutely no way. I could be fighting with a Solid brick wall. Idk.

It's worth fighting for in my opinion. Yes I put her on a pedestal. And yes it's because I love her. But I love her for all the right reasons. People always say to others oh you're young you have your whole life ahead and all that. Great. That's fine. For most people my age maybe. And there's a low chance I'll be with her when I'm older. But I'm not falling out of love yet and so I won't give up.

 

Sorry for the rant. In just kind of talking to myself. Putting my thoughts out there in text. Thank you for listening.

[giblesp]

I need her to e the girlfriend supporting me for depression.

 

Your GF can never, ever be the one supporting you for depression.

 

The only one supporting you for any depression, is yourself.

 

That's whats best for you and what the girls love and respect in a man.

 

When you 'need' a woman, you can't really love her and she wont truly love you.

[giblesp]

She is the most honest person I've ever met.

 

No she isn't dude.

[Sparta]

dude your really that clueless… get reađy because school in seesion

[Benj7381]

We've always talked about it like this. Love is when you need that person in your life. When you can't imagine your life without them. I do need her to support me right now. She should have been sorry for herself. Assuring me that were okay or something. Showing me she loves me. All because she cheated. That's what I mean anyways.

[James-London]

You have not listened to me or the other posters. In your last post you say that love is when you "need that person in your life". Look back at my post dude - love is about WANTING a person in your life, not NEEDING them. This difference is important.

 

You want to know what she is thinking? She is looking at you as a weak and pathetic doormat. This is confirmed in everything you said in the way you are desperately trying to get contact and attention from her and the way that she is ignoring you.

 

This sounds very harsh of me to say, but I feel justified because I was that doormat too. In her mind she is looking at you as dependent and desperate and needy.... These are all the qualities that make you look low value compared to her. If you have depression, then you need to be pro-active in getting help for yourself. Do not wait for her to nurse you. She owes you no such obligations.

 

As I told you already - going no contact is the best and only strategy you have for gaining her respect. If you are going to get her back then this is the only way. Right now, she is prioritising her social life over talking to someone she was with for 2 years and really hurt. Does that sound like a sweet and loving person? You are making her care even less about you by the way you are being so available and making it so easy for her.

 

If she chooses to engage with you, that is her choice alone. But if she does, make sure you are clear about what you need and want from her - eg. answers as to what she did, why she cheated, and how you could ever trust her again. The conversation should be about you and not about how she is feeling when you ask difficult questions.... if it was you that cheated and not her, we would be advising her to do this and not you.

 

You must stop deluding yourself that this girl is so sweet and innocent.... Here - imagine the situations reversed. You meet a hot girl and she starts flirting with you. First you have to flirt back, then you have to go to her place, then you have to start kissing her (she DEFINITELY KISSED THIS OTHER GUY, stop deluding yourself), then you will be touching her body, then you will be penetrating her. All this time the hot girl is loving every moment of it.

 

In the above scenario, there are many points where you could have walked away from that hot girl. The same is true for your girl who went with another guy. She could have walked away at many points. Dude - she didn't even put up a fight or object!!.... The answer is simple: it was not an accident. She wanted it to happen.

[todreaminblue]

Going to disagreehere about her wanting it....when you get drunk you dont know what you want you cant think you dont rationalize you do stupid irresponsible no brain stuffed up kind of things and ill disagree with the hot girl comment because girls or women who are rolling drunk are not hot...so it really doesnt relate to you going home with some hot chick.........slurring words stinking like booze walking like toddlers on stillettos...not hot......although most of the time when you are rolling drunk you think you are ace......in you own muddled mind...and i am not judging anyone ...been there done that ...been the one to look like a complete idiot, spewing bloody marys everywhere telling everyone i love them.....up chucked down a guys suit front at one stage...sure he found me delightful....he was actually pretty sweet.....adn he took me home to my own bed and left me there with a bucket.......he was decent .....thank god above....i didnt know where i was at the time.....he told me the next day though

 

 

the moment you gf knew she was going to drink and she downed the first drink..that is when she stuffed up ....she is at fault, she got drunk.......doesnt mean she wanted to do what she did to you, doesnt mean you will ever know that if she was straight she would have stopped what happened chances are it would have never happened ...but how she is treating you now is wrong and she isnt drunk i would be more concerned with that....and the fact you cant trust her if she decides to drink.....she shouldnt drink and definitely not with guys...

 

i am sorry this happened you do need to enforce what you accept in regards to behavior from her.......if she treats you badly you be the one to hang up or walk away...you dont deserve it.....deb

Edited October 10, 2013 by todreaminblue

[James-London]

I agree with the last poster. When I made the comparison with a hot girl flirting with OP, I was just trying to show him that there were MULTIPLE points that his gf's drunken brain could have said "STOP". She could have said stop at the flirting stage, at the getting into the car stage etc. Being drunk is a mitigating factor but she didn't totally forget she had a boyfriend at that time.

 

Having said all that, I agree with the last poster that the most important point here is how she is treating OP now. She is not begging to be taken back or trying to make up for it. Quite the reverse - she is not facing up to what happened and she is just treating him with disrespect.

 

I told my ex-GF that unless she started to fight to get me back, I would not even consider forgiving her.... She never fought to get me back, so that made the whole decision to cut her from my life very simple. It still hurt like hell, but the decision was not a difficult one.

[Benj7381]

How do I delete this?

[Philosoraptor]

How do I delete this?

You can't. You can just stop responding and it will eventually fall off the screen into obscurity.

 

Wishing you well Ben. Hopefully you stay strong, work towards moving on, and cut this cheater out of your life forever.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

Dang she told you that this other guy made her cum? **** you got some patience kid I would have left her even though I know it hurts. Trust me I know because I even get jealous that my side girl see's other dudes so just think about that for a moment.

 

Good luck.

[CrJsc88]

To be honest, if it was meesely kiss then I would be like it's up to you if you want to work it out. It went further than that. I'm sorry to be a jerk but you don't finger someone and not also try to make out with them or do other stuff.

 

You have to move on and try to meet new people. It's not going to be easy the first couple months. You have to focus on what your doing and try to shut off all outlets with her. She made the decision to screw something up. It'll eat you up inside everytime you see her, that's defintely not healthy.