1 year later

[BUBS]

In a week it'll be a year since the last time I saw my ex fiance and since the break up. I thought I'd update the forum again and keep everyone posted. It still is painful for me at times. I worried right from the start that time wouldn't heal the wounds. That no matter what there would always be a part of me that wished he was still with me, that it would have worked out, a part of me that would always be in love with him, and in a lot of ways these worries have been confirmed but I've also learned a lot as well.

 

Time does it's job. In the beginning I was so resistant to the idea that one day I would be over it, even grateful that it happened the way it did, because I loved him... and I didn't want to move on with my life. A part of me knew right from the start that "time" and the real world would slowly but surely bring me away from what I knew to be true. I'm not sure if this will make sense to the readers, but I believed in my heart that I'd rather suffer and feel what I knew was real, that love, that loss... then forget and continue on with my life happy and ignorant about what we really had.

 

This year was hell. and I'd love to get on this forum and say that I am so much better off, that I got some awesome fancy job, lost a ton of weight and am so much happier, but that would be a lie. What I do want to say to those who are fresh out of the break up, is that the truth is, if you really loved this person, there will always be occasions where it creeps up on you, but as time goes, you handle it quickly and it doesn't hurt nearly as much. You go on with your life, your thoughts of them become more and more hazy and almost falsified. The humiliation that you experienced, the rejection, the heart ache itself goes numb, and in those times when it creeps up on you, its more of a feeling then a memory, a feeling of a contentment that you lost, just purely missing that persons presence in your life. At least these are the things I've experienced.

 

When I joined this forum, I was on it hours and hours, every day. Posting every time I received a breadcrumb, every time I accidentally came across a status I didn't like. Now these things are handled much better. A prime example of this would be that my ex never posted pictures with any other girls within the past year, up until two weeks ago. When I scrolled across it and curiously did my 5 minute research on who the leading lady was that replaced me in his life. I found that she is not just the girl who has what I wanted and worked so hard for, but that she is 15 years older then him (16) older then me. Yet I didn't cry, I didn't come to the forum, I texted my closest friend, we had a moment of "wtf?" and I went on... normally I'd have called my entire phone book if this was earlier in the break up, my family would have known, and I would have been crippled in bed for weeks on end.

 

You move on, even when you resist like I did. I still dream about him, almost every night. Some move me in a way that makes me believe that we lost what should have been, but no matter what I wake up and get on with my day. It gets brushed off quick. I'm in a relationship now with a man I've known for a long time and been friends with. It's nothing serious, and its someone who knows exactly where I stand with relationships in general... but its something that's allowing me to get back into the dating scene and swing of things. I do have my moments where I compare, but I also try to be realistic and honest with myself that I'm comparing something that's currently happening with something I hold up on a pedestal.

 

My ex and I have remained civil. We don't really speak often. He still has all of my things and my dog because I haven't mustered the strength despite being ok to go down to our old home 2000 miles away and see his face again. A part of me knows that out of sight, out of mind is truly what I need still and that I am not in a place to possibly confirm that all I see him as in my mind and all I saw us as, is actually true... that we were something that made my life better than it is currently.

 

***Yes I miss him. Yes I love him. But heres the lesson I've learned that I'll give to all of you that are still reading this. No matter what happens in this life, you are stuck with you. A problem we all have as human beings is relying on others for our happiness. It's not a problem thats easily fixed either. The point is that treating yourself properly is absolutely necessary if you want a healthy relationship with someone else, or if you want to be genuinely happy. No one is going to come into your life and fix it the way that you can for yourself. Even falling madly in love can only temporarily mask whatever issues you had before you met them. A relationship should enrich your life, not be the purpose around it. If you don't have your own values, morals, and interests as an individual then inevitably you are looking at a **** storm of heartache and despair through dependence on others.

 

My advice to the newbies, and the people who are far into their coping and still struggling is not real advice at all, its just the truth... keep doing what you do, times gonna do it for you. You can make all the mistakes in the world, you can call them, and feel like a jerk... you can pine over old pictures on their walls, and eventually time will still make you numb to it if they aint coming back. But what I would suggest is not doing these things, because it speeds up the process. Be good to yourself, you are your best friend or your worst enemy. Your sole purpose at this point in your pain and heartache is to find things to get you through the day. Things you can enjoy. It may not make you as happy as you BELIEVED you once were in their arms, but I can guarantee it will make you happier to feel good about yourself, then to add in self loathing on top of heart ache.

 

I made a lot of mistakes. I never broke down to him, which took a lot... but I did keep in contact with him at times. I did reach out. I did facebook creep. I allowed school, work, friendships to fall through the cracks. I let my health deteriorate at times, gained weight, chain smoked and binged drank... and I know that all of these things made it worse, ultimately it became more of an issue because I remembered my life with him, and how it currently became without him, and associated that my life with him was so much better, I was so much happier. But I was comparing a life where I tried for myself every day, to a life where I had given up. If I had done right by myself from the beginning, taken care of myself, my responsibilities and taken the time to try and be as happy as possible without him, I would probably have had a much different outlook on it all. The key to everything is living as well as possible, blooming where your planted and being grateful. Don't give up.

[Debbie2508]

Great post, BUBS. It's 9 months since my ex fiance left and I can relate to almost every word you wrote. Sound advice too.....especially about being good to yourself.....something I've really struggled with,having gone headfirst down the self loathing path. I'm guilty of putting him on a pedestal and putting the relationship before everything and everyone else.

 

I completely agree with your 2nd paragraph. I'm still resisting letting go. I no longer contact him,but can't seem to bear to let go in my heart. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to hold onto.....probably just the rose-tinted memories. Some days I even think I'll be fine,I can get over this,he wasn't that wonderful......and then the little self sabotaging voice kicks in,telling me I'm kidding myself!! However,I'm slowly managing to tell the voice to shut up.

 

Like you said,it's whatever gets you through the day.

 

Thanks for your inspiration

[BetterEveryDay]

No matter what happens in this life, you are stuck with you. A problem we all have as human beings is relying on others for our happiness. It's not a problem thats easily fixed either. The point is that treating yourself properly is absolutely necessary if you want a healthy relationship with someone else, or if you want to be genuinely happy. No one is going to come into your life and fix it the way that you can for yourself. Even falling madly in love can only temporarily mask whatever issues you had before you met them. A relationship should enrich your life, not be the purpose around it. If you don't have your own values, morals, and interests as an individual then inevitably you are looking at a **** storm of heartache and despair through dependence on others.

 

Wow Bubs, thank you for the powerful message. This really struck a chord with me. After doing a fair amount of reading on this site I've come to realize how codependent I was/am. I've been this way for as long as I can remember and it's time for a change. It makes relationships hard and breakups even harder. "A relationship should enrich your life, not be the purpose around it.". I'm writing that one down. Really great post!

[Polak]

the truth is, if you really loved this person, there will always be occasions where it creeps up on you, but as time goes, you handle it quickly and it doesn't hurt nearly as much. You go on with your life, your thoughts of them become more and more hazy and almost falsified. The humiliation that you experienced, the rejection, the heart ache itself goes numb, and in those times when it creeps up on you, its more of a feeling then a memory, a feeling of a contentment that you lost, just purely missing that persons presence in your life.

 

BUBS, this is perfection right here. That can't be any more true and accurate. Actually I'm impressed how well you articulated all those feelings.

 

It's been a little over a year now that I was let go for someone "better", and I have learned so much since then. I am actually grateful for that pain, looking back on it, because I wouldn't be who I am today without it... The most resounding lesson I've learned (no, experienced!) through all of it is that time does indeed heal all wounds. No matter how much we refuse to believe it, or can't wrap our minds around it. It works, and life goes on.