Can you ever go back? Or have more?

[WIP]

My wife of 6 years has been cheating on me for the last three months with a man from work. She confessed the affair a month into it and explained she couldn't give it up because she had never felt this way about anyone. Rather than throw her out with the commitments we both made in marriage, I am trying to take things one day at a time and working on myself.

 

Whether for this relationship or the next, I know I can be a better version of myself. I tell myself if I need to change there is no reason I can't make that change without blowing up my marriage first. I am holding out hope that it can be for this relationship, but man is it hard sometimes. To hear that she never loved me this way, that my weight has been a major detraction from day one, to hear how the other man never miscommunicates like I do? A few times a week I feel ahead, and a comment about our relationship, seeing her text him, or an argument that materializes from nothing sets me upside-down.

 

I know that right now she can't evaluate either relationship appropriately. I know that she still loves me, albeit with doubts. I know that I'm the better man.

 

I take responsibility for being 50 lbs overweight, as I have been our entire relationship. I've lost 20 and am on my way to being fit. I take responsibility for not realizing when her needs and goals in life were changing- I held onto the dreams she had for the first five years of marriage through a year of telling me her dreams had changed.

 

So, if I stick it out do we even have a chance of restoring love, or is this a death blow? Do I sound like a total pushover for taking this path in trying to save our marriage? Could my weight really have been the major driver?

[littlejaz]

It is hard to give any advice on this one except to say that if you want to save your marriage I think you should try to get her into marriage counseling. If she is not willing then I would make an appointment with an attorney- just so you know how the process works, what you will need to provide the attorney and to prepare for the big D if that is where you end up.

 

I would think the weight is just an excuse if you were at that weight in the beginning of your relationship/marriage.

[GuyInLimbo]

I dunno, man. If she told you she never loved you the way she does him, then I take that as a death blow. And she still texts him? C'mon, man. She's playing you. Move on, sign up for CrossFit or something, get into the best physical and mental shape you can and find a better life without her.

[WIP]

I could write a novel here, but I'm not sure I could stand to read it back myself just yet. When I have my whits a bit better about me I will try to fill in some detail. The overarching feedback I'm looking for is support / rejection for my approach, suggestions for what I need to do for the relationship, and help understanding what the heck is going on here.

 

Thank you both for trying with the sparse details and flailing questions.

 

 

Jaz -

We have counseling setup this week. I don't think her heart is in it. I know that she goes back and forth, but overall is mostly in the direction of the OM. I truly think this is driven by affair fog and won't last through the maturing of a relationship.

 

I'm curious about the attorney recommendation. We don't have kids or major illiquid assets that complicate things. She can have the money, I'll make more. Are there other major things I need to consider?

 

The weight is easy to hang your hat on ignoring the rest of what I bring to a relationship. I suspect it's only an issue when you're able to discount the rest of a connection. Either way, I'm not going to let it obstruct progress. The work I put in on other labors of love took a lot more effort than nocking off a few pounds.

 

TA -

Thank you especially for your first and last remarks. It gives me a lot of strength to think this path will lead to the least regret. And yeah, it sucks - it sucks a lot. Just hearing it back makes me feel a little less a fool and alone.

[LuvsTrucks2]

I happen to agree that your weight is just an excuse or cop-out, especially since you were at that weight at the beginning or your relationship.

[WIP]

I dunno, man. If she told you she never loved you the way she does him, then I take that as a death blow. And she still texts him? C'mon, man. She's playing you. Move on, sign up for CrossFit or something, get into the best physical and mental shape you can and find a better life without her.

 

That was my take too the first time I heard it. To be clear, the affair is ongoing. She's not just texting him. When I got that from her I more or less agreed to facilitate an exit. but I've also gotten that I was a better choice, she's falling in love with me more, I have a chance to win her. Maybe I'm a fool but I don't know if I can stop fighting while I still think there's a chance. Maybe the chance is an illusion.

[RightThere]

I know that right now she can't evaluate either relationship appropriately.

 

Totally true. Right now she's in two relationships. One is just the fun part of going out, having sex, no obligations. The other is real life with a mortgage, dirty dishes, etc. Until reality enters into the affair, she'll continue in a relationship fog.

 

I know that I'm the better man.

 

Doesn't really matter for a number of reasons.

(1) Most people cheat down, not up.

(2) He's fulfilling the needs you cannot. You may be better at lots of things, but right now, you're not better at that.

 

So, if I stick it out do we even have a chance of restoring love, or is this a death blow?

 

Short answer, maybe.

 

Do I sound like a total pushover for taking this path in trying to save our marriage?

 

Lot's of people here will tell you "yes, you are spineless". But the real answer is no. However it depends on what you do.

 

Don't be a begging wimp. Be assertive and get out there doing better for yourself (work out, eat better, be fun when you are around her). But set a time limit for how long you will allow her to have both of you. Once your time limit passes and she's still sitting on the fence, go 180 and show her now what it's like without the new and improved you.

[WIP]

Should coming to counseling be a line in the sand on separation? I think she is backing out on me.

[RightThere]

Should coming to counseling be a line in the sand on separation? I think she is backing out on me.

 

You found out 2 months ago, it's still ongoing, and no marriage counselling yet? She may be worried that it will just be a blame session on the affair, but make sure you talk to the counselor first to determine if they have experience with couples. I would say at this point not wanting to go to counselling is a red flag that she doesn't want to work on the relationship. However if she doesn't go, then you should just go. Don't let her dictate what you are and aren't going to do in improving yourself and the relationship.

 

Your wife is on the fence. If she was committed to the other relationships, believe me she'd be long gone by now. You have an opportunity to fight for her, improve yourself and your relationship, but you need to put a time limit on it.

 

If she stays on the fence beyond your time limit, you need to make a decision for her and show her what it's now like without the new and improved you.

Edited October 7, 2013 by RightThere

[Porridge]

I dunno, man. If she told you she never loved you the way she does him, then I take that as a death blow. And she still texts him? C'mon, man. She's playing you. Move on, sign up for CrossFit or something, get into the best physical and mental shape you can and find a better life without her.

 

I'm glad someone else said this. If i'm honest, OP's post got me a little worked up.

 

There's your wife, openly having an affair, lauding OM for all his wonderful ways, saying he's special, putting you down, insulting you and remarking on your weight, and you sit there in some sort of philosophical bubble trying to be the rational man who will come through in the end.

 

Man, I mean this with the greatest of respect because I want nothing but the best for you. You need to send that no good excuse of a woman packing straight away. You think you're gaining respect for being Mr Civilised? No, she's lapping it up and sees you as weak. At the moment you live on the sole of her shoe.

 

Show some pride and anger. This woman is treating you like absolute dog s**t! Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're a man or a doormat. Then when you realise the answer, stick her clothes in a trash bag, throw them on the street then send her a** out the door with them.

 

Then watch her amazing relationship fall apart because she suddenly realises she can't play the game as she intended.

 

Do it. Finish this farce and be a man again.

[Mr. Lucky]

That was my take too the first time I heard it. To be clear, the affair is ongoing. She's not just texting him.

How does this work logistically? Does she live with you and see him when she wants to? Do you know when she's with him ???

 

My obvious take is that, out of love and concern on your part, you're enabling her to act in ways that clearly aren't loving. And if you guilt or coerce her into unwillingly ending the affair, she'll only resent you. None of this implies a recipe for successful marriage going forward.

 

You're not settling for half the loaf, you're signing up for crumbs...

 

Mr. Lucky

[notbroken]

As hard as it is, you have to tell her to make a choice. Tell her you won't stand for her to be with someone else. She either wants your marriage or she doesn't. She can't have both. Tell her if she is still with him in a week then you will be pursuing divorce. She won't respect you until you do that (and your marriage stands no chance of success if she doesn't respect you).

 

Regardless of what happens, get in the gym. Start exercising for you. Not just for her or your relationship.

 

Don't take the blame for this. SHE cheated. You didn't. This does NOT lie solely on you. Don't fall for that.

[littlejaz]

WIP- don't know your whole situation so not sure what attorney will tell you, but the 2 things I do know are: 1. knowledge is power and in a divorce you need that knowledge/power and 2. STBX's can and do turn into mean, vindictive people once you are in a divorce.

 

My STBXH was a mild mannered, meek man until I filed for divorce and then he turned vicious. I never in a million years would have expected him to do the things he has done in the past year and a half. So I always advise people to speak with an attorney. You don't have to act on what they tell you, but you cannot go back and do or undo things after the fact, so it is always a good idea to talk with an attorney and find out just where you stand if you end up getting divorced. You just may save yourself more heartache and initial consultations are usually free.

[SuperGeek]

I give you credit for being able to handle this and stay calm about it. Personally if I was in your shoes, I'd be filing the divorce yesterday. I just couldn't look at my wife the same again after knowing full well she's been getting boned by another guy behind my back. To ice the cake, she has the balls to tell you she's going to continue the affair with this guy after coming clean with you? ?:(???? How are you not raging? Maybe examine why you aren't so upset about it?

 

Best of luck to you.

 

That was my take too the first time I heard it. To be

clear, the affair is ongoing. She's not just texting him. When I got that from her I more or less agreed to facilitate an exit. but I've also gotten that I was a better choice, she's falling in love with me more, I have a chance to win her. Maybe I'm a fool but I don't know if I can stop fighting while I still think there's a chance. Maybe the chance is an illusion.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I get the feeling that you are allowing her to devalue you, because of your weight. I know lots of big men that are with beautiful women, so your weight isn't the true issue. The weight thing is a way for her to justify her affair to you and anyone who would believe that crap. Being over weight is a health issue, cheating on your spouse is a character flaw. You can loose weight, she will still have a character flaw.

 

I believe that most marriages can be saved, but both parties have to be honest and work to fix the problems. She has violated all boundaries of a healthy marriage and has no remorse or desire to change. You can't make this work by yourself and while she does not respect you, you have to respect yourself. You have to remember that you are a person of value and worthy of love and respect. She might like you and care what happens to you, but there is nothing in her actions that says love to me, therefore I recommend the following.

 

1. Consult with an attorney and determine your legal status.

2. Let her know that you love her, but won't be played for a chump. Therefore if she wants to continue her affair then you have no choice but fine for divorce. Now she has a choice to make.

3. If she wants to reconcile she must agree to full disclosure of passwords to devices and media, counseling and no contact with other man.

4. If she chooses the affair, then you need limit conversation to legal and financial issues, separate finances (both accounts and CC), and have your attorney file the paperwork.

 

This will probably be difficult, regardless of her decision, but you can"t base your actions on fear of her leaving. You can continue to work on your health and all other issues, but you also need to value you. Look for exercise to help relieve stress and make you healthier. Spend time with hobbies that you enjoy or start one you have always wanted to try, volunteer time to help others. This will take the focus off of you and help those that value your time.. Don't sit around and mope, you need to live your life.

[WIP]

Rough couple of days. I've read all of your feedback but haven't had the energy to respond. This stuff can really sap your energy. Had the S/D discussion. Total cluster. On hold for now.

 

In all seriousness it's good for me to keep hearing I'm acting like a chump. I know it. And it's reminding me that the situation is one I'm not going to stick around long in. I'm seeing myself personally improve through this, so I'll be better off no matter what happens. I am still committed to giving this the best shot at reconciliation I can figure.

 

We started at this young (18) and I think she's having feelings she doesn't know how to process or compare. I know I am too. That doesn't mean they won't persist.

 

In the mean time, I've been sabotaging myself because of how hurt I am. Although it's not fair, right now I know I'm not getting the effort from her because I'm just not being fun. Who would be with this kind of blow? But I've got to suck it up to know I really tried. Before throwing in the towel I need to:

Get a life

not be needy

not talk about the future

not be negative in anyway

be fun, like we used to be

stop going down the same old R discussions that fail every time

know that I have an extremely bright future, with or without her

 

I think I've got a month or so window of opportunity here before the roots set too deep. Then, when I've really done the best I can, I will be ready to go forward. The first memory of our future or the last memory of our past will be of the best me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Before throwing in the towel I need to:

Get a life

not be needy

not talk about the future

not be negative in anyway

be fun, like we used to be

stop going down the same old R discussions that fail every time

know that I have an extremely bright future, with or without her

Other than the first and last, don't agree with a single one. Would you be "fun" if you lost your job? Act like "fun" if a loved one had a terminal illness? Be the "fun" life of the party if a tornado destroyed your house?

 

Infidelity ranks right up there with the above events. In many ways, it's worse. A little hard not to be negative under those circumstances.

 

Your wife is using your feelings for her to hold you hostage. And like many terrorists, she's probably going to kill you - marriage wise - regardless of the outcome. Even if you're hoping for the best, you should be planning for the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

If you're not going to respect yourself enough to eliminate someone from your life that treats you worse than garbage - then why should she respect you? Why should she change?

 

Stop changing to suit her cheating a$$! You were perfect enough to marry - her criticism got bigger to justify HER bad behavior!

 

Stop settling. You deserve better.

 

Get a healthy boundary and stick to it! Lowering your standards to accommodate her bad behavior won't fix your marriage = it's just likely to help her cheat more.

 

Kick her out with nothing!

 

Start respecting yourself more!

[Misadventure]

WIP..

 

I am late to reply to this thread but hello hello! Firstly... EFF HER!

 

Go to the mirror, look at yourself, and say this.

 

Go and write down your positive attributes.. I know you may feel down in the dumps right now that you can't begin to list them but I bet you that they are there...even if it starts with "my a.s.s is not especially hairy" that is a positive attribute you can list.

 

Realize you are not perfect, you are not expected to be perfect... so write down all the positive things about yourself.

 

Now go to the mirror... read these to yourself. Breathe deep.. sigh.. and say as loud as you can..

 

" EFF HER!....I deserve to be treated better.... I deserve better than this!!! "

 

You do... and I hope you know that. You probably don't right now and that's ok, but one day while you are drinking your coffee and catch a side glance of yourself in the toaster reflection... you will say to yourself.. "Eff!! I'm pretty spectacular and she is an eff up!!"

__________________________________________________

 

Ok, so right now you may not say this to yourself in the toaster reflection but once you start taking the steps to love and empower yourself again, you will.

 

So in the meantime.. what do you do?? Start writing those attributes...

 

Start writing the negatives about her versus the positive..

 

It's time to get YOU back...

 

Read the 180's on here..not everything might be towards your situation but it helps you focus on getting you back to you without her being the center of your focus and life. YOU need to be that focus.

 

So.. what are your attributes... this is an open forum where we pretty much bare all.. we are here for each other and you.

[WIP]

Well, we moved her into a friends house last night. She's good there for a few months until more permanent arrangements materialize. It was a mutual decision to give her space, but with the goodnight phone call it became clear there is no rediscovering the passion on her agenda. I have to focus on living life.

 

I can't even begin to see a path forward untangling the life we've woven together. So much stuff. So many responsibilities. So much dependence on each other for doing everything that gets done in a typical week.

 

 

*****.

[seibert253]

Sorry for what's happening bro.

IMO you're her standby to see if her thing with the OM is real.

 

Listen, eventually you're going to have to stand up for yourself. There's no better time than right now. Don't give her an ultimatum, give her a choice. Let her know you cannot continue in your relationship in its current state. Let her know life has choices and she needs to choose, you or him.

 

If she chooses to continue with the OM, then stand up, retain an attorney, and begin the D process. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[road]

Well, we moved her into a friends house last night. She's good there for a few months until more permanent arrangements materialize. It was a mutual decision to give her space, but with the goodnight phone call it became clear there is no rediscovering the passion on her agenda. I have to focus on living life.

 

I can't even begin to see a path forward untangling the life we've woven together. So much stuff. So many responsibilities. So much dependence on each other for doing everything that gets done in a typical week.

 

 

*****.

 

 

One mistake after another moving her out is not going to do anything to end her affair.

 

You must get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You have wasted a lot of valuable time. That book will guide your through killing her affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

One mistake after another moving her out is not going to do anything to end her affair.

 

You must get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You have wasted a lot of valuable time. That book will guide your through killing her affair.

Agreed. If anything, you've done the opposite. In standing by, you've given her an infidelity "get out of jail free card" to try on this new relationship for size while you wait in the wings. You're actually enabling her to sleep with someone else.

 

My friend, you deserve better ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Misadventure]

WIP - I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. Kudos to you for your desire to save your marriage as well as search your own heart - I think many give up far too easily on the commitment/vows they've made.

 

The PP mentioned counseling and I agree. There's some step-by-step info written by a licensed counselor addressing the type of situation you are in available here: I just discovered that my spouse has had an affair. What should I do? As mentioned in that article, you can also talk with a counselor via Focus or get referrals in your area. No strings attached - I've been helped by their services in my marriage, so I wanted to pass this on. You'll never regret fighting for your marriage, regardless of the outcome.

 

I think this is great advice.. but I also want to add to not be so down on yourself.

 

Do not set aside the fact that she cheated and she needs to own up to it, make amends, and not betray you again...and you need to know if she wants the marriage to work also.

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Poster,

 

 

The next few days might be the hardest you've experienced so far.

I applaud your efforts and hope that your wife wakes up and comes to her senses.

That being said, it is time you manned-up.

Read the book 'No more Mr. Nice guy'. Your wife is sleeping with another man-the worst strategy you could adopt would be to give her space, accept her decision and act as if you accept what she is doing.

Tell her, in a very decisive tone, that she must chose betwwen her marriage and her affair partner. Women love a man who is decisive and stands up for his rights.

Start posting in the infidelity section in this forum. There are several posters (Owl, Betrayed H, etc) who were in your shoes years ago. Their advice will prove invaluable. Trust me on this one. Read the threads in the infidelity section and see how betrayed husband's acted to end their wives' affairs.

 

I must insist that you do this as soon as possible-the more time you waste, the less likely you're wife will end the affair.

 

Good Luck!