Author WIP Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 We had a very hard conversation about the process of separating. That drove her to break it off with the OM, for real. It killed him. I agreed to move forward with her, not go back. Now the issues, which I'm sure won't be the last: She had real feelings for the OM. She is in real pain. I can't help her with the pain. I don't know if this will drive her back to him. NC is not an option yet, because of the work relationship. She is considering quitting but that has major ramifications for her professionally. It is not a decision I'm prepared to put an ultimatum on. I foresee a roller coaster in my future and can't bring myself to strap in. It will take time for me to regain the confidence I've lost and gain beyond that what I never had. I read both "no more mr nice guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life". A lot rang true. I actually browsed each of these a year ago but they took a back seat when I saw improvement. This has definitely been the kick in my ass to really address my own needs, and keep them front and center. I'm waffling, I know. I'm not sure where we go from here. I find myself asking the same question I did in my first post - if we can ever have more? If it is even possible for us to build the feelings that were available in the affair, but not our marriage? I will try to get more specific with what I need advice on, but I wanted to update those of you that put your time and thought into giving me some perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I don't think you are wrong to try and stay calm and clear headed about this situation. That actually makes perfect sense to me. But... IMO you shouldn't just accept what she is doing as ok and blame yourself for why she is doing it. Having just found out a similar situation on my end I question your reason to want to stay with her. If you have no children and you don't care about the money, then be done with her. Kick her cheating arse to the curb and then go take care of yourself. That's what I'm about to do. It is never worth it to stick around with someone who will blatantly lie and cheat like she is. Trust me, I did it and it didn't work out well for me. He found another reason to cheat again later on and I suspect she will do the same to you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 We had a very hard conversation about the process of separating. That drove her to break it off with the OM, for real. It killed him. I agreed to move forward with her, not go back. Now the issues, which I'm sure won't be the last: She had real feelings for the OM. She is in real pain. I can't help her with the pain. I don't know if this will drive her back to him. NC is not an option yet, because of the work relationship. She is considering quitting but that has major ramifications for her professionally. It is not a decision I'm prepared to put an ultimatum on. I foresee a roller coaster in my future and can't bring myself to strap in. It will take time for me to regain the confidence I've lost and gain beyond that what I never had. I read both "no more mr nice guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life". A lot rang true. I actually browsed each of these a year ago but they took a back seat when I saw improvement. This has definitely been the kick in my ass to really address my own needs, and keep them front and center. I'm waffling, I know. I'm not sure where we go from here. I find myself asking the same question I did in my first post - if we can ever have more? If it is even possible for us to build the feelings that were available in the affair, but not our marriage? I will try to get more specific with what I need advice on, but I wanted to update those of you that put your time and thought into giving me some perspective. All the advice you will need will be in the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 She had real feelings for the OM. She is in real pain. I can't help her with the pain. I don't know if this will drive her back to him. NC is not an option yet, because of the work relationship. She is considering quitting but that has major ramifications for her professionally. It is not a decision I'm prepared to put an ultimatum on. I foresee a roller coaster in my future and can't bring myself to strap in. She is going to mourn the other relationship for a while. The repair process will be long and difficult, so if you don't think you've got it in you to forgive and reconcile, you should save yourself a lot of time now and end it. I find myself asking the same question I did in my first post - if we can ever have more? If it is even possible for us to build the feelings that were available in the affair, but not our marriage? Simple answer, yes, it is possible. But it will be a long process, lots of hard work, and there are no guarantees it will be there in the end. So as much as she's got a lot of work to do, so do you. If you're probably not up for it, be honest with yourself and be ready to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 (2) He's fulfilling the needs you cannot. You may be better at lots of things, but right now, you're not better at that. I would say he's fulfilling the 'wants', not necessarily the 'needs'. I'm only parsing that because I think the trap is that HE (the BS) is somehow deficient and that she's not. He could go down an endless rabbithole wondering, "What am I not doing right? What am I not providing that she needs?" For all we know, the problem might be her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 No, it's not useful to go backwards! Why go backwards? She's cheated! You like the cheating? Assume SHE isn't changing! There isn't one good reason to stay with a cheater who is critical of you!!! She is BROKEN! It is her that needs fixing - get her out of your life and move forward to becoming happy on your own! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Also, in short - to put it in a more blunt fashion: While you're wasting time analyzing the relationship and the salvagability, she's not analyzing the relationship at all because she's sleeping with another guy. Dump her. You can't make another person love you. And even if you did 'convince' her, you would always have that nagging thought in your brain that she might jump out of the relationship again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 You can't make another person love you. And even if you did 'convince' her, you would always have that nagging thought in your brain that she might jump out of the relationship again. Agree with this 1000% from the hard won equity of having walked down this road. Eerie similarities - my xW broke off her A with a workmate but didn't change jobs or address the personal issues that allowed her to choose infidelity in the first place. So while I moved heaven and earth to repair our marriage, she checked out and grieved the loss of her OM. Sound familiar? Long story short, she never did the work and we never recovered. I hung in there for 18 moths since we had a 3-year old son. After swearing NC, caught her meeting him and left the next day. To this day my biggest regret is that I didn't leave the moment I knew she wouldn't participate in fixing our marriage. Hate to see you make the same mistake... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 So while I moved heaven and earth to repair our marriage, she checked out and grieved the loss of her OM. Sound familiar? Long story short, she never did the work and we never recovered. I hung in there for 18 moths since we had a 3-year old son. After swearing NC, caught her meeting him and left the next day. To this day my biggest regret is that I didn't leave the moment I knew she wouldn't participate in fixing our marriage. Hate to see you make the same mistake... Mr. Lucky Not to thread-jack, but grieving will happen regardless of their decision to reconcile or not to reconcile. Not that's it's right or fair, but it will just happen. I think it's more important how they handle the grieving and the reconciliation. Checking out by the wife is not a helpful option. I guess my point is that the wife can grieve the other relationship, but must show commitment to reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Not to thread-jack, but grieving will happen regardless of their decision to reconcile or not to reconcile. Not that's it's right or fair, but it will just happen. While true, your point simply illustrates the incredible conflict cheating creates. As the BS, you get screwed twice - once while she's off effing him and a second time while she misses being off effing him. It's a sh*t sandwich... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Emotional issues can be bloody hard. But this is one case where even me the regular nice guy would man up. Your wife remember. No kind of love is worth this humiliation. First you shouldn't be staying in the same house even if you intend to reconcile. Second u are her husband she can never respect or love you if you can take this humiliation. Texting the guy from you home and all that. Leave that house if you are Mr nice guy. Better yet kick her out. You can reconcile later. But let her see a primate man. Not the physically abusive one but the assertive one Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Didn't read to the end before I posted. But for christ sake dump that wife. How can she respect you, how can she possibly love you when you are implicitly begging her to reconcile after she had an affair. Man up please. Take it that you are representing mankind. Let her show true remorse and put in effort to make her marriage work if not dump her whether you started to reconcile or not. From what you have said she is in love with the guy. Then let her go be with him. It's for you own gud. If you don't let her do the work of reconciliatn. She will resent you Link to post Share on other sites
Author WIP Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Well, I think the fun-wagon just started its last descent on the roller coaster. I can't say for sure I'm strong enough to get off if it starts to go or another round, but I hope I am. Agreed tonight on beginning legal separation. You can't make another person love you. And even if you did 'convince' her, you would always have that nagging thought in your brain that she might jump out of the relationship again. I realized that even if she was willing to settle because she loves me enough to stay for now, I am not willing to do that to myself or her. It's not right for either of us. I now know that I too want something she can't give me (genuine commitment and love). So long as we both want something the other can't give, we need to be acting like it. My heart still wants to be open to finding it again, but not while I'm the only one looking. Agree with this 1000% from the hard won equity of having walked down this road. Eerie similarities - my xW broke off her A with a workmate but didn't change jobs or address the personal issues that allowed her to choose infidelity in the first place. So while I moved heaven and earth to repair our marriage, she checked out and grieved the loss of her OM. Sound familiar? Long story short, she never did the work and we never recovered. I hung in there for 18 moths since we had a 3-year old son. After swearing NC, caught her meeting him and left the next day. To this day my biggest regret is that I didn't leave the moment I knew she wouldn't participate in fixing our marriage. Hate to see you make the same mistake... Mr. Lucky Thank you for sharing Mr. Lucky, eerily similar. Weak of me or not trying to stick it out, I feel less regret for having tried. I tried enough to know that it's not any kind of fleeting fog that she's about to emerge from, at least while not truly going NC. She gave it her best shot at participating in fixing our marriage, but it wasn't a good enough shot that I can hang around. I started a post like this before, but I'm saying it again with more certainty: Now begins the work, pain, and hopefully happiness of untangling our marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Do this simple exercise, place one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door....Keep your head up high and a smile on your face, their are people and places that will be far more pleasant then this current stance. Marriages will crumble when disgrace and disregard are the key components, please take care of yourself and do the above exercise...You'll lose a ton of misplaced guilt and sorrow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Hang in there dude , everyone on here is going through a similar thing. It sucks. I'm going on six weeks divorced left in this empty house. I have actually been a little better doing the NC thing. I am looking forward to feeling whole again. I don't think I can ever be in a serious relationship again, but never say never I guess Link to post Share on other sites
Porridge Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Still no anger expressed in OP's comments. I do genuinely feel sad that your self esteem is so low that you choose rationalisation and acceptance over pride and assertiveness. Is that because you are the second Jesus? No, it's because you're too beaten and afraid to come out of the shell that you've lived in for so long. All of this moral talk - I don't care for it. It's just words and an attempt at self-convincing. If you're ever to move on to a batter place in life then you need to find self-belief. Unfortunately we can't give it to you but all we want is for you to have an 'epiphany'. You're going to die in 30/40/50 years time - the world will continue turning. While you're here, how about making a stand for yourself and being someone who made the most of what they had? Your relatives, friends, people you know - when they look at you they want to hold you in high regard. We all want to hold you in high regard. So screw this bag of s**t that you've been in a relationship with, and start working on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WIP Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 Turns out I am angry. Not at the woman or the Mab but everything. Angry I didn't blow this up sooner. The OM's wife knows now - we will see what happens. Now I just want this done as quickly as possible so I can move on with my life. The one thing I knew was that nothing was being gained by sitting in limbo. Don't know where its going, but its not staying the same! Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Thank God 4 u. I know it was hard to get to this point and we understand but this is how it should be. Know we are from different world and. Continents but we are all cheering you on as you man up. Whether you fat slim bold or crippled all you have to do is man up and you will get a new and better wife Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Thank God 4 u. I know it was difficult 4 u to get to this point and I understand but thank God u decided to man up. Whether u r fat bald crippled or ugly all u have to do is man up and u will get a better wife. Posters here are from different continents and world's and they are saying the same thing. We cheer u on as u take a stand Link to post Share on other sites
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