I feel like theres something wrong with me because i cant attract women

[AD1980]

Im 33 and never been with a women and because of it i feel like a failure and that theyres something inherently wrong with me,like im some sort of pariah in terms of attraction.

 

I wish i could ignore it and say f it who cares but its hard to take it in stride, dont get me wrong ive resigned myself to the fact im not gonna find someone but staring the facts in the face of being a failure and unattractive is tough to deal with...

[cif]

What's unattractive about you?

[tricolors]

You have almost 1800 posts here in four years, and you say you've never been "with a woman."

 

Do you mean that in the sense of you've never had sex with a woman, or have you never even been on a date with someone?

 

What have you tried to change about yourself or in your approach in the four years you've been registered on this site? I assume you probably came here looking for help or an opinion then.

[AD1980]

What's unattractive about you?

 

My face perhaps? the fact that im shy till i get to know people

[AD1980]

You have almost 1800 posts here in four years, and you say you've never been "with a woman."

 

Do you mean that in the sense of you've never had sex with a woman, or have you never even been on a date with someone?

 

What have you tried to change about yourself or in your approach in the four years you've been registered on this site? I assume you probably came here looking for help or an opinion then.

 

Ive never been on a date..As far as what ive dont to change have tried to be a little more agressive with women but im still passive and dont approach women much

[HopelessRomantic76]

Theres still a chance but more then likely by your age you should have had a date by accident,there is probably something inherently that turns women off from you thats not always fixable.

[deathandtaxes]

The fact that the planet is so full of people is prima facie evidence that even the most unattractive among us manage to find people to mate with. There are many ways to overcome what you may think of as being ugly. In that case, I would lean towards something personality related. Do you have any friends you can talk to about the subject?

[StanMusial]

You are no different than 90% of the men on this planet.

[normal person]

As far as what ive dont to change have tried to be a little more agressive with women but im still passive and dont approach women much

 

The general paradigm is that women do the attracting and men do the approaching. However, there are times where if a girl really likes what she sees, she'll override the social custom and do the approaching herself. You can't expect this to happen every time though.

 

In general, women are expecting you to be the pursuer. Their prerogative is pretty much to get noticed and get approached. If you don't notice and don't approach, she assumes you don't like her or even worse, you're a grown man that's too scared.

 

Bottom line: If you've been sitting back and it hasn't been working, you need to change your strategy. If you aren't lucky enough to have girls throwing themselves at you, you need to go after them yourself and play the game like most men have to do. You have to give them a reason to like you, be it your charm, sense of humor, values, morals, etc. You need a trait (or traits) or skill that will turn her from being indifferent to interested.

[runningfar]

Im 33 and never been with a women and because of it i feel like a failure and that theyres something inherently wrong with me,like im some sort of pariah in terms of attraction.

 

I wish i could ignore it and say f it who cares but its hard to take it in stride, dont get me wrong ive resigned myself to the fact im not gonna find someone but staring the facts in the face of being a failure and unattractive is tough to deal with...

 

The being shy is probably the biggest thing.

 

What are you looking for in a woman? What do you consider your strengths?

 

I know it's hard but it doesn't make you a failure. hugs.

[AD1980]

Theres still a chance but more then likely by your age you should have had a date by accident,there is probably something inherently that turns women off from you thats not always fixable.

 

I would agree with that,if i was somewhat non hideous i would have at least ben approached once by now.

[AD1980]

The being shy is probably the biggest thing.

 

What are you looking for in a woman? What do you consider your strengths?

 

I know it's hard but it doesn't make you a failure. hugs.

 

My strengths? i dont know i guess im a good hearted person pretty loyal but none of that alone attracts women.

[deathandtaxes]

My strengths? i dont know i guess im a good hearted person pretty loyal but none of that alone attracts women.

 

 

Do you approach women? Do you talk to them? Do you go out and do things where you can interact with women?

[KathyM]

You need to work on your shyness or social anxiety, preferably with a therapist. That is the best way you are going to turn things around. If you are going to do nothing, nothing will change. Don't expect different results if you are not willing to put in the work to change things. As far as your physical appearance, get some advice on how you might change things to improve your appearance. There is a lot you can do. Cultivate your interests in things. Become a more interesting person. Get more involved with life. Meet more people. Do more things. Women are attracted to men who live interesting lives. It's not all about the physical. But you need to take action to change things around. If you change nothing, your results will remain the same.

[AD1980]

Do you approach women? Do you talk to them? Do you go out and do things where you can interact with women?

 

Im not really around single women,the few times iam there interested in my better looking friend

 

I dont approach random women im not good at that at all,approaching stangers is not a strength of mine

[jimloveslips]

Dude you've got to get out.

 

What's your hobby/ies - join a group.

[AD1980]

You need to work on your shyness or social anxiety, preferably with a therapist. That is the best way you are going to turn things around. If you are going to do nothing, nothing will change. Don't expect different results if you are not willing to put in the work to change things. As far as your physical appearance, get some advice on how you might change things to improve your appearance. There is a lot you can do. Cultivate your interests in things. Become a more interesting person. Get more involved with life. Meet more people. Do more things. Women are attracted to men who live interesting lives. It's not all about the physical. But you need to take action to change things around. If you change nothing, your results will remain the same.

 

As far as my physical appereance im in decent shape, i cant change my face and im losing my hair.

[KathyM]

As far as my physical appereance im in decent shape, i cant change my face and im losing my hair.

Maybe a different hairstyle would help. Different clothes or different look. It would be worth trying a change. Get some advice if you can, from someone who knows what you look like. But I think your main issue is the social anxiety. You need to work on that. There are therapists who help people to overcome their social anxiety. I have two guys I'm treating in therapy who are dealing with social anxiety issues. One has a serious social anxiety disorder. We are working on improving his social skills and gradually increasing his contact and interactions with women so that he overcomes his fear. There is help out there for you if social anxiety is what is holding you back.

[AD1980]

Maybe a different hairstyle would help. Different clothes or different look. It would be worth trying a change. Get some advice if you can, from someone who knows what you look like. But I think your main issue is the social anxiety. You need to work on that. There are therapists who help people to overcome their social anxiety. I have two guys I'm treating in therapy who are dealing with social anxiety issues. One has a serious social anxiety disorder. We are working on improving his social skills and gradually increasing his contact and interactions with women so that he overcomes his fear. There is help out there for you if social anxiety is what is holding you back.

 

I dont know if i have social anxiety im just shy around people i dont know

[KathyM]

I dont know if i have social anxiety im just shy around people i dont know

Shyness is a mild form of social anxiety. This is something you can work on. You can develop more confidence and better social skills. Therapy can help with that. There are also many self help books that could be beneficial for you.

[deathandtaxes]

As far as my physical appereance im in decent shape, i cant change my face and im losing my hair.

 

 

I went bald in my 20's and my nose is slightly askew. I am definitely not the best looking guy around. I would say I'm average at best. But I'm friendly, can carry a conversation. I like to get out with my friends. I have stuff I like to do. I still manage to get dates. And second and third dates beyond that. And even a relationship or two. I was also married for 11 years. So looks aren't everything, I can attest to that!

[jakelongot]

Yup. I would say the problem is simply that you are not approaching enough/any women. Until my late 20's I had never been in a long term relationship and before that, really only a handful of dates and a couple hookups.

 

It was easy to say I wasn't as attractive as the next guy because I never got (or at least noticed) women giving that "come hither" look or coming up to me to flirt. However that is not the right mentality. Truth is I am decent to a little above average in appearance. And as long as YOU aren't hideously deformed, which i'm sure you are not, you should be able to at least date some women. Most likely average to attractive ones too!

 

The truth is only the top 5% of men (maybe less) have it easy where women make it painfully obvious that they are interested. The rest of us need to work for it. The reason? Because as shy as you are or afraid of potential embarrassment, women feel that x10. Most would never put themselves in a situation where there was even a remote possibility they would be shot down in a public place.

 

So how do you fix the problem? Approach more women. Easier said than done, right? Now, don't consider this next piece of advice a put down, but really more something you need to get better...therapy. I really think it would do a world of good.

 

If you were in your early 20's you could probably avoid it, but at 33 you are getting to the point where if this problem is not corrected soon it could really start to go downhill. Do you really want to look back at 40 and be in the same situation, when just talking to someone for 6-12 months could solve your issues? Give it a shot because at this point it is less about "just get out there" and more "let's fix whatever problem is bothering you so you can live your life"

 

Good luck!

[hppr]

I dont know if i have social anxiety im just shy around people i dont know

 

That sounds like social anxiety and probably why you have always had a hard time with girls.

 

Women don't find shyness in men to be attractive.

 

Get some meds that help stabilize your moods I bet you have a much easier time talking to strangers, especially women.

[hppr]

Im not really around single women,the few times iam there interested in my better looking friend

 

Yeah that's another mistake.

 

I was singing the same song as you until I resolved to do 3 things;

 

1) treat my depression medically

 

2) quit hanging around toxic friends

 

3) be more bold and assertive whenever possible

[TB Rhine]

1) Start approaching women and asking them out. I'd avoid ladies you work with, as well as women who are friends with family members and/or your circle of friends, as that can lead to awkwardness that then spills out into other areas of your life.

 

2) Take women out at night (as opposed to afternoon), for dinner (as opposed to lunch), for drinks (as opposed to coffee). Focus on pretty straightforward date-type activities, that way your intentions will not be misconstrued.

 

3) Throw something fun in there, depending on your interests... a movie, bowling, miniature golfing, a poetry reading, whatever. This'll give you something to talk about over drinks/dinner later.

 

4) MAKE A MOVE. MAKE A MOVE. MAKE A MOVE. The importance of this one can't be overestimated... you are going to have to muster the courage to go for the kiss by the end of the second date, if not the first. I went through a significant portion of my adulthood believing that people routinely dated/hung out for weeks or months before getting physical with each other - don't ask me why I thought that, I just did. But it's not the case. If you don't make a move early in your interaction with a woman, you will be friendzoned and/or otherwise rejected.

 

5) Try to stick to your own general age range - say 27 to 35, in your case. Poaching on 19/20 yr olds will just get you labeled a creeper.

 

6) You can take or leave this one, but I say shave your head. A guy with a shaved head is twenty times more socially acceptable than a dude with a bald spot, a wig, a comb-over, or a widow's peak.

 

7) Also, take care with how you dress. Do you go around wearing baggy shorts, sweatpants, shirt untucked, plain t-shirt that somehow perpetually looks like you've just got back from painting the spare bedroom? Get some nice slacks, a button-down shirt you can tuck in, and nice shoes. It'll do wonders, no matter how fat/skinny/bald/hook-nosed you are.

 

8) Addendum to no. 7: do you have a job that requires you to wear a tie? Keep that sucker on while you saunter down to the upscale bar/coffee shop around the corner after work. You'll encounter women of approximately your own social class who are also just getting off work, looking to relax and unwind, etc. Smile, tip your drink to them, etc. Get so there's a stable of after-work 'regulars' who recognize you and know your face. Then, one day, kinda casually wander over and start talking to them.

 

None of these is a magical cure-all, but the important thing is to do ALL of them, not just focus on a few. (Or, at least, work on your dressing and grooming habits, and start putting yourself in the kind of space where you might meet the kind of women you're looking for. Practice being friendly without the intention of starting a conversation or asking anyone out. THEN, when you're comfortable doing that, start making offhand comments and trying to get a convo going. When that feels okay, progress to asking if she might like to go and get something to eat before heading home for the evening).