guest Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I am just wondering if any of you have had a scene where you significant other was confused about whether he wanted to marry you or not... and then 1) you did end up marrying? 2) you are happy or werent happy? what were your experiences? Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I'm recently married and neither my husband nor I had doubts. We did fight a lot more prior to the wedding with all the stress of wedding planning, commuting, etc. I've heard though that a bit of cold feet is normal, but I think if there are serious doubts, that's a warning sign. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 that's a great question! i'm hesitant to get married myself and i would be interested what happened with other men or women who had cold feet, especially the ones who decided to go ahead and get married. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 my husband had serious reservations about marriage -- not because he didn't believe in marriage or what it meant, but because he'd been burned before. Twice. And pretty badly. His thought was that our marriage was going to be a repeat of life with Mrs. #1 and Mrs. #2. He talked about prenuptial agreements. He acted very defensively about the whole relationship, as if he expected me to stomp on his heart even though I never behaved that way toward anyone! it took a Marriage Encounter weekend to open his eyes to why I felt the way I did about marriage (a Catholic who believes that marriage is a sacrament, that it's the major league stuff, not to be dealt with lightly), and it's taken the lifetime of our marriage for him to see that my commitment to this relationship cannot be defined or compared to what he had with his other wives. would I call us happy? In terms of what each of us experienced before, I'd say we're ecstatic. Realistically, though, I don't know that this relationship can be classified as truly happy because we're human and we're prone to making each other miserable for stupid reasons from time to time. But overall, I'd say that we've got something unlike anything we'd ever experienced before, and that it's good, and that he and I both believe in it whole-heartedly. sometimes, you've just got to stay the course long enough to see through periods of doubt, especially when you instinctively know that this is the real deal ... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 No, all of my doubts come after the marriage. I get married in 10 days to my 8th husband. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 YES! My husband had serious doubts about getting married. He never pictured himself as a husband and didn't think he wanted to go down that road. He never had a good example of a happy marriage in his life. He felt obligated to marry me in part because of our finances (not a good reason to marry) but I didn't find out about this until a while after the marriage when we had some problems. We had some trying times together (no affairs no cheating, nothing like that) but we did split up a couple of times and went through counseling---I'd say 90% of that was because of his abuse as a child and my stubborness! We have worked through it over 20 years together and even though as recently as this year we thought about divorcing, we have concluded that we are better together. I'd even go so far as to say we are happy together again, and that has been a recent development (which involved a lot of hard work on our parts) I am really trying to fall back in love with him. Well, I'm trying to let myself fall and not force myself to fall and that is working for us now. Family emergencies this past year (my mom almost dieing, my 'lumpy boobs', his father passing away in October, and my brush with death yesterday (read my post about my day in the hospital yesterday) has brought us closer to a newer relationship and a different level to our marriage. So yes, even people with doubts can find out later that their doubts were unfounded. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by tiki I get married in 10 days to my 8th husband. Man you have been busy I see. Should be a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Firstly, allow me to bestow on Tiki the "Reservoirdog Marriage Blessing": May your marriage be better than mine. Now, to the question at hand: I had some uncertainty about marrying my TBXW but it had evaporated by the wedding date. Unbeknownst to me at the time (in part because she pushed for us to move up the wedding date and seemed excited!), she had massive doubts but kept them to herself. We did end up marrying. I was basically happy during the marriage. She was pretty much miserable throughout it, but put up an extremely effective false front. When she dropped the bomb in August of 2003, I totally hadn't seen it coming. My experiences? Well, she was a serial cheat who I'm divorcing and would rather not have to interact with (and wouldn't, but for the 2 kids). So, my advice: whatever you do, don't get married when you're young and stupid. Worst mistake of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I got married and started a family all ass-backward. We hardly knew each other! Talk about confusing. It was for both of us. We met, and I promptly got pregnant. Then we spent the next few months getting to know each other. We played it careful, no relationship demands on each other - since we were two strangers that were going to be parents. We didn't pretend the relationship was something it wasn't and we didn't try to force it into a different type of relationship. While we had the freedom to see other people, we chose not to. We got really into each other though. We watched a lot of kung-fu movies. Cooked together. Hung out at the coffeeshop together. Stuff like that. As the baby grew, so did our friendship. He told his family (who was horrified), and I wrote my family a letter (I had been disowned earlier because I refused to live the life they wanted me to as a schoolteacher). We got to know each other over the course of the pregnancy - we'd lay together and he'd feel my belly as the wee one kicked. He was fascinated by my pregnancy. A woman's body is amazingly different during pregnancy - and his analytical scientific mind took it all in and loved it. Eventually he moved in, and as we were taking our tentative first steps as couple my water broke at 28 weeks! So, we made our way to the hospital and spent Halloween night there. I joked to my friends that I was going to be Mother for Halloween (up until that time there was nary a maternal bone in my body). At 36 minutes after midnight, I delivered the daughter that had been growing along with our relationship. She was tiny and it was touch and go for a few months. He and I would go to the hospital together and hold her, and we'd talk about our future. Let me tell you, sharing that experience was the closest I've even been to anyone. Period. The kiddie stayed in the hospital for some months. During the week she was scheduled to come home, the man and I sat on the back steps of the house we were sharing with a few other close friends and talked about what we wanted to do. We had shared the most defining moment of either of our lives. We had made a child together. He looked at me and said that he wanted to marry me. I was shocked - and I asked him if he was sure. He said that he was, and I asked how he knew. He said that he tried to imagine what it would be like if he woke up, turned over and I was gone. He said that he literally could not comprehend or even imagine it. So, he contacted his buddies and his family and on New Year's Day - the day our girl was set to come home from the hospital, we walked downstairs to the chapel - met the chaplain there and we were married. We were the first marriage there at the hospital. Then we went back upstairs and we went home as a family. Haven't looked back since. We have our troubles, sure. All couples do. But we are open minded and can discuss literally anything. I mean ANYTHING. We share our thoughts on everything from religion to infidelity. We have talked about what would happen if temptation crossed our paths. Our relationship basis is friendship. I am a firm believer that if you are going to marry - marry your friend (and if it also your lover then you are lucky indeed), not your lover. One day you'll roll over and realize that hot man/woman you've been "madly in love with" and banging away in the bonds of holy matrimony is a complete stranger whom you really don't even like that much. If its a friend, then the romance can come and go, but you'll never be alone - as you'll always have your best friend right there beside you. 999 times out of 1000 an arrangement like mine WILL NOT WORK. I'm not advocating it or even suggesting it to anyone, but sometimes the worst and most unsure of beginnings can result in a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I never doubt to marry. But right the morning before wedding I felt strange. Scared, worried, was crying…He was like don’t you want to marry me? I guess I was worried to get hurt again and that if it won’t work out again. Yes and was upset that something grew up on my lip early that morning. After divorce from first marriage I liked the feeling of freedom. I really don’t know what was it. I was perfectly happy later that day. I am still happy. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by Anais Man you have been busy I see. Should be a joke. Yeah, I am kidding. It's my second marriage. I think so many people are fascinated by the thought of marriage, and once you get there, they're let down. It's not what it's cracked up to be. It's not fun, easy flowing...it's hard ass work. It's over-rated. Enjoy the engagement fun period while it lasts, after that, be prepared to work HArd to be able to put up with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkyDooDah Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I had doubts - got rushed into marriage then ended up divorcing five months later. My gut feelings were dead on but I ingnored them and got married anyway. Always follow your gut feelings - and if you're unsure - WAIT!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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