JoelBarish Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I'm just curious about the psychology behind the whole rebound thing. So my ex is seeing someone shortly after dumping me. That makes him the rebound. I've always been told that being the rebound is bad and that having someone for a rebound is bad. Why? Why is it bad for my ex to have a rebound? I know that I don't like her moving on....but why is it bad for her and for him? Why would it be bad for me to have a rebound of my own? Thoughts or perspective about rebounds for dumpers and dumpees? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vascularity Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Let me preface this by saying that I've been following your situation to a mild extent, Joel, and certainly sympathize with your plight. This article summarizes the relative pros and cons of a rebound relationship more accurately than I've seen anywhere else: Rebound Relationships From my own anecdotal experience, I can't honestly recommend a rebound relationship, regardless of the scope or seriousness of the "relationship." Since my breakup about 6 months ago, I've dated around and fooled around with both dateable girls and hoodrats alike, and the end emotional result is always the same: moribund emptiness and an inability to not view the new partner in relativity to the older one that you're still recovering from. It doesn't matter how well you connect on a personality level or how hot the sex is - if you're still ailing over the past relationship, that will rear its ugly head one way or another, regardless of how well you're able to downplay or disguise it. It's impossible for me not to resent the new partner for not being "her," regardless of how sweet or generally enjoyable they are. Historically, I've missed the intimate moments me and my ex had shared far more fervently and viscerally directly after hooking up with a new girl, but that's starting to diminish now in lieu of the aforementioned emptiness - whether that's due to the passing of time or merely a rising body count is for time to tell, I suppose. If the desired goal is indifference, numbness as opposed to feeling more seems to be congruent. Conversely, dating a variety of different prospects not only sharpens your game and calibration, but it also offers a risk-free venue to integrate and practice the lessons learned from your past relationship. Furthermore, getting physical with other girls has seemed to take away some of the power that the old, hackneyed bank of sappy, rose-tinted memories has on me. I know I still hold some endearment towards my ex buried deep down, but it's like you said in a previous thread - I miss my girlfriend, not my ex, and actively sampling the population seems to chip away at the lofty pedestal that my heart had placed her on. In regards to her dating that new schmuck, what she stands to gain or lose is quite frankly, none of your concern. It's quite likely that there are many facets of you that she misses, but anything short of her actively seeking reconciliation is just that - feelings, not actions, and it's the latter that actually means something. Let her date other men and realize what life is like without you in it, for better or worse. It's the bed she's made for herself, after all, and she's going to have to be content to lay in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 How long were you guys together? Link to post Share on other sites
BetterEveryDay Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I'm just curious about the psychology behind the whole rebound thing. So my ex is seeing someone shortly after dumping me. That makes him the rebound. I've always been told that being the rebound is bad and that having someone for a rebound is bad. Why? Why is it bad for my ex to have a rebound? I know that I don't like her moving on....but why is it bad for her and for him? Why would it be bad for me to have a rebound of my own? Thoughts or perspective about rebounds for dumpers and dumpees? After coming to realize that I'm a codependent person, I feel that having a rebound would be the last thing I need. I would basically be getting my "fix" and might even try to hold on to an empty relationship just because I don't want to be alone. I might convince the other person that I have genuine feelings for them and end up needlessly hurting them. This, by the way, doesn't stop me at all from *wanting* a rebound. But I'm trying to be realistic about what is best for me until I can get this codependency thing figured out. That's my two cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 If she was ready to be out of the relationship it isnt necessarily a rebound. My EX is happily with the guy she dumped me for over 1 year later. Cav 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Why is it bad for my ex to have a rebound? I know that I don't like her moving on....but why is it bad for her and for him? Why would it be bad for me to have a rebound of my own? Just because one gets in a new relationship quickly does not necessarily mean that they have successfully moved on. It could be so, or could just be their own illusion or delusion that they have. Some people can/will use a rebound relationship to avoid dealing with the difficult emotions stemming from the break-up and also to avoid doing proper and necessary grieving, healing and growth work; figuring out their own part/responsibility in the break-up; identifying what relationship and communication skills they ought to improve for their future relationships; what they liked and didn't like; what they will and will not tolerate in the future; etc. It's a negative for them because they won't have any better ideas how to be a better partner nor how to choose a better-suited partner. And it's pretty much a negative for the new (rebound) partner for the same reason. The new relationship ends up being or becoming an emotional dumping ground for the crap from the old one. That said, after my marriage ended, my "rebound" went on to last over 10 years. At same time, at the end of old/beginning of new I also did all my grieving and healing and crap...in parallel to the new relationship; I didn't use the new guy/relationship for that. He was extremely patient and understanding while I was muddling through all of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lop98 Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I think it's bad for as long as you're taking advantage of that person's feelings for you in order to heal yourself and you're using that person as replacement. That constitutes typical rebound relationship and it's the most selfish thing one can do. However, when fresh out of a painful experience, it's part of human nature to sometimes look out for someone to rely on and I don't think it's wrong to do it as long as you establish this new relationship in openness, sincerity, respect, the need for love we all have and are clear with that person and with yourself that no one can ever be replaced, besides demonstrating willingness to close the old chapter for good, open a new chapter with your new partner (a slow one, if you're still healing) and not attempt to mix them all up by just changing characters. I saw my ex do this, and it was awful for me but also for the girl... which is what brought me to the topic and one thing I'm still confused about: how can someone be okay with being the rebound? you may have the blindest, deepest crush on someone and be completely fascinated by his personality but I find it a major turn off any mention of any ex, and knowing someone's fresh out of a relationship sets off my alarm system and makes me want to take a distance... it's hard to believe someone would be okay with that, wouldn't mind hearing that person whine about the evil ex for hours, or know he still tries to make contact from time to time. Being emotionally with me matters more than being physically with me, to know someone's with me but wishing it was someone else and his thoughts are far away constantly would be a huge blow to my self esteem, and the fact that some people don't mind settling for that is as perplexing as the person that doesn't mind doing it just for the sake of having company. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 How long were you guys together? Over a year and a half. I don't see her coming back. My mind wanders about this stuff and I try to process it all by hearing what others have to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 If she was ready to be out of the relationship it isnt necessarily a rebound. My EX is happily with the guy she dumped me for over 1 year later. Cav That is true and that will probably be the case with my ex. I just wonder how feelings she had for me can quickly transfer to another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beautiful diamond Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) It's bad because the rebound is just there to distract and help move on from ex. The rebound is convenient and better than being alone. It's like a market being out of stock of your favorite food so you try something random they have in stock. You can't have what you wanted so you settle for anything, just to have something. Rebound relationships are built on one person wanting to forget/hurt/move on from their ex. They are not healed, but are using a relationship to heal. VERY BAD IDEA. When the rebound catches on they will be extremely hurt. They were used. When the relationship falls apart, because it was built upon escaping pain, the person who was rebounding will feel 1000000x worse. They will have the realization that they should have just taken the time to heal, before jumping into a relationship. Then they want to contact the ex, who was smart enough not to rebound, and the ex promptly rejects them. In the end the rebounder loses their ex and their rebound, and are left miserable, but knowing them will probably just rebound again. And that is why rebound relationships are bad, and destined for failure. Edited October 8, 2013 by Beautiful diamond 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoooOinkBaaa Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 What if its the dumper who gets a rebound? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) What if its the dumper who gets a rebound? Exactly. My ex dumped me and is now with a new guy. Okay fine. But she did have deep feelings for me, right up until the break as far as I know. Then when I was out to dinner with my family the other night, her and this guy came in, saw me and my family and then she walked right back out. Maybe she had checked out of the relationship before the break. Okay. But she has to have some kind of emotional "hang over" to react in such a way. That being the case, she must be covering her grief with this new guy. I don't buy that her feelings are completely gone, not yet. It just perplexes me how she (or anyone) could make feelings go away or transfer them to someone else so quickly. A deeply emotional relationship like this will take me at least several months to get over. Even if she checked out 2 months ago she must still be carrying some grief. Edited October 8, 2013 by JoelBarish Link to post Share on other sites
AnyaNova Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I would actually argue that for some personality types (I'm thinking MBTI here), it can be strategic and if carefully done, will not result in the other person thinking or feeling that they were used. The trick is, some types are rather notorious for being next to unable to let relationships go when the end was not of their choosing (and they will obsess, go over the details some more to see what they might have missed, and do freaking linguistic analyses on the texts of all their messages and communications to find the loophole etc. For these types, a rebound can work, but it has to be done carefully. First they have to be sure that they are to a certain point of recovery before they start, and they have to ensure that the person they choose is someone that they would actually be interested in a real and lasting relationship once they cut the tie completely from the other person. And this is not referring to codependency, which is actually (though it may not sound like it) an entirely different beast altogether). Once this type does get into a new relationship, they will literally shed the previous one like an old sock and never look back (especially if the relationship turned out to be particularly destructive to them). And, so they can actually embark, once they have made the switch, on a healthy relationship with the new person, without the baggage of the old affecting things at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Polak Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 If she was ready to be out of the relationship it isnt necessarily a rebound. My EX is happily with the guy she dumped me for over 1 year later. Cav I second this. After 2 years (we were both each other's firsts), my ex dumped me for another guy. That was 1 year ago. They have been engaged for a few months and will be getting married next year. Crazy **** can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
LostInTheWild Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I had a rebound and it was comforting -- that's all. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only person in the world and it was nice to know I was still desirable. I ended things (just a sexual relationship) with him because we've been friends since high school, but everything has been pretty relaxed between us so it's not a bad ending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I'd define being in a rebound as a relationship where one or both partners are not in a healthy place. Probably best example would be having a co dependency sort of thing going on. It's best if both partners are happy with in themselves and able to not depend on the other solely as their new source of joy. Meaning the relationship makes them happy but they are not exactly happy inside as that's not healthy and more often than not, such a relationship will end on a sour note. Flip side, being confident within and in a relatively good place, then any new relationship after a former one IMO has a fair shot. Hope that all made sense. Mea :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 I'd define being in a rebound as a relationship where one or both partners are not in a healthy place. Probably best example would be having a co dependency sort of thing going on. It's best if both partners are happy with in themselves and able to not depend on the other solely as their new source of joy. Meaning the relationship makes them happy but they are not exactly happy inside as that's not healthy and more often than not, such a relationship will end on a sour note. Flip side, being confident within and in a relatively good place, then any new relationship after a former one IMO has a fair shot. Hope that all made sense. Mea :-) Yes it made sense. I agree with what you said about it being unhealthy and codependent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rico strawberry Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 That is true and that will probably be the case with my ex. I just wonder how feelings she had for me can quickly transfer to another. I completely understand... my ex found/fooled around/ and let go of me all within 2 days... however we weren't officially together.. but we were emotionally together.. or at least I thought so. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshapedrocks Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Honestly, I cannot imagine dating or being "in" a relationship right now so as far as rebounds go --- not happening. What I have being doing over the course of 14 months is taking care of me. Grieving, working out, working on the house, taking care of my pets, playing hockey, developing a spiritual life, hiking & travelling, taking classes, whatever it takes to discover & learn about myself. I decided to focus on me, date myself so to speak, so in time, I will be in a better place and available for a commitment. I most definitely want to share my life with someone! Unfortunately, at times, I still let my ex rent space in my head! It is less and less but know deep in my soul until those feelings naturally process out via time --- it is just me so I'm trying my best to have fun. Now my Ex on the other hand (we were together 4.5 yrs) is engaged. The details honestly do not matter anymore. The fact is my Ex moved on physically. We still have very limited contact due to financial entanglements & a small business association. I am respectful and never ask any personal questions. Just keep it business. My ex told me when she started dating someone (6 week Post BU). It did upset me initially. The next time she told me about her engagement. Both times I was told the reason for the share was so I would not find out through gossip due to the business/shared friends. It was so sad to get that news but wasn't surprised. I told her I was happy for her. What else can one say?? GTFO??That was back in March 2013 (7 mo Post BU). In September we started working on a special business project, every Monday for the past few Mondays. It has been 14 months since we split. I have processed the seasons, the birthdays, the anniversaries, and holidays solo. I could use the extra $$ for all those activities in the first paragraph! Well, during our work sessions, I have noticed she doesn't always wear her ring or when she does she covers it up. Everytime! It is weird. It happened today. Also she is always very nice to me. Sometimes, it frustrates me. Why if I was so damn amazing (her words recently) did she leave to go marry someone else?? So Joel, I can totally relate to your ex running out of the restaurant. I do not know anything about rebounds except I am not having one. Life sometimes is so darn confusing. That is truth! Link to post Share on other sites
The Situation Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 When the rebound catches on they will be extremely hurt. They were used. When the relationship falls apart, because it was built upon escaping pain, the person who was rebounding will feel 1000000x worse. They will have the realization that they should have just taken the time to heal, before jumping into a relationship. Then they want to contact the ex, who was smart enough not to rebound, and the ex promptly rejects them. In the end the rebounder loses their ex and their rebound, and are left miserable, but knowing them will probably just rebound again. And that is why rebound relationships are bad, and destined for failure. Wow. I can't disagree with any of that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 Honestly, I cannot imagine dating or being "in" a relationship right now so as far as rebounds go --- not happening. What I have being doing over the course of 14 months is taking care of me. Grieving, working out, working on the house, taking care of my pets, playing hockey, developing a spiritual life, hiking & travelling, taking classes, whatever it takes to discover & learn about myself. I decided to focus on me, date myself so to speak, so in time, I will be in a better place and available for a commitment. I most definitely want to share my life with someone! Unfortunately, at times, I still let my ex rent space in my head! It is less and less but know deep in my soul until those feelings naturally process out via time --- it is just me so I'm trying my best to have fun. Now my Ex on the other hand (we were together 4.5 yrs) is engaged. The details honestly do not matter anymore. The fact is my Ex moved on physically. We still have very limited contact due to financial entanglements & a small business association. I am respectful and never ask any personal questions. Just keep it business. My ex told me when she started dating someone (6 week Post BU). It did upset me initially. The next time she told me about her engagement. Both times I was told the reason for the share was so I would not find out through gossip due to the business/shared friends. It was so sad to get that news but wasn't surprised. I told her I was happy for her. What else can one say?? GTFO??That was back in March 2013 (7 mo Post BU). In September we started working on a special business project, every Monday for the past few Mondays. It has been 14 months since we split. I have processed the seasons, the birthdays, the anniversaries, and holidays solo. I could use the extra $$ for all those activities in the first paragraph! Well, during our work sessions, I have noticed she doesn't always wear her ring or when she does she covers it up. Everytime! It is weird. It happened today. Also she is always very nice to me. Sometimes, it frustrates me. Why if I was so damn amazing (her words recently) did she leave to go marry someone else?? So Joel, I can totally relate to your ex running out of the restaurant. I do not know anything about rebounds except I am not having one. Life sometimes is so darn confusing. That is truth! 14 months and your still not over it? I am not judging, I've had a break up that took me longer than that to get over. I just don't understand how some take a long time to get over the relationship and usually the ones doing the dumping have little trouble moving on. And it's not always because of having that rebound person. On my prior BU that I mentioned I dated several women after that BU and I still wasn't over the ex. Yet my current ex had no trouble getting over almost instantly. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshapedrocks Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 14 months and your still not over it? I am not judging, I've had a break up that took me longer than that to get over. I just don't understand how some take a long time to get over the relationship and usually the ones doing the dumping have little trouble moving on. And it's not always because of having that rebound person. On my prior BU that I mentioned I dated several women after that BU and I still wasn't over the ex. Yet my current ex had no trouble getting over almost instantly. Yeah I know crazy huh? I didn't feel you were judging. In the past, my other ex's processed quick no problem. But this one, I really loved her. It will pass. I am sure having the business together doesn't help it move as quickly as it could. For some reason, maybe cuz I am older now, going through the four seasons by myself was important. I get how dating would help. Your point about the dumpers moving on easier is probably due to their checking out prior..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoelBarish Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 Yeah I know crazy huh? I didn't feel you were judging. In the past, my other ex's processed quick no problem. But this one, I really loved her. It will pass. I am sure having the business together doesn't help it move as quickly as it could. For some reason, maybe cuz I am older now, going through the four seasons by myself was important. I get how dating would help. Your point about the dumpers moving on easier is probably due to their checking out prior..... Checking out prior....we were lovey dovey right until the end. I don't understand her being checked out yet outwardly nothing was different. It was like the honeymoon stage never ended, at least not in my mind. Who knows what was going on in her head though. It's almost like she had a split personality. Link to post Share on other sites
love1336x Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Rebounds are fun. They make you focus on something else rather than the pain of the relationship. HOWEVER rebounds are nothing more than putting a bandage on a HUGE cut that need stitches. Sure... it will stop the bleeding for a little while, but eventually the blood, and pus will pour out and the bandage will slipped off, and you'll be left with a nice bloody wound. The heart needs to HEAL. The heart needs to FEEL pain! The heart needs to go through all the crappy stages of healing in order to heal... So, you can learn to let go properly. Sure, your ex having fun, but chances are her and the rebound won't last long... It all depends too... when her feelings for you "die" off. I mean, if she haven't been "in" love with you... for a while then her rebound might not be a rebound... Dumpers go through different stages of letting go... I personally never been a dumper so i could not tell you. But, what i learned dumpers go through the stages... while there are with you, and it's "easy" for them to let go because they already... been through it... the feelings for us is gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnnaAnna Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 If she was ready to be out of the relationship it isnt necessarily a rebound. My EX is happily with the guy she dumped me for over 1 year later. Cav I agree with you. She might have been ready to move on long before the BU so for her that might not have been rebound. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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