firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Let me start off by saying that I am new here and found this site trying to find some answers. My wife and I have been married 22 years. She has always been straight laced and somewhat conservative sexually. I have always encouraged her to be more open in the bedroom with me as to spice things up. It took forever to get her into toys, oral, lingerie etc. I have always told my wife that she was beautiful, hot, sexy and so forth trying to encourage her. She really came out of her shell a few years ago and began to get more active with me in the bedroom. Our sex life has never been better and she has been my best friend. A couple of weeks ago I was checking our cell phone data usage and noticed an unfamiliar number she had been texting with. I asked her about it and she passed it off as a coworker who had some questions about a work related issue. I thought nothing else of it until a week or so later when I noticed texts from this same number. I again confronted her and this time she became really defensive, asking me why I was checking up on her texts. I told her I wasn't initially but had noticed a trend with this one number. She stormed off to bed and that was that. The next day I again questioned her because something just didn't seem right. She ignored my texts asking about it. When she got home from work that afternoon I brought it up again. She began stammering and I knew something was up. I pressed the issue until she finally admitted that for a few months she and this coworker had been fooling around. She said they had only kissed and played the touchy feely game and denied any sexual intercourse(which I highly doubt). I was devastated. I began to look further back into her texts and noticed hundreds of texts with a number I was familiar with, a friend of mine. I confronted her on this and she admitted they have been having an affair for the last 10 months. I point blank told her that this was unacceptable and if she cared anything about this marriage she would end it all and give us a chance to work it out. She told me she has no intentions of ending anything as she loves the "friend" and wants to continue the work affair. I am at such a loss because this is totally out of her character, especially since our relationship seemed to be the best it's ever been. I have given her the ultimatum, me or her "flings". I guess I'm just looking for opinions as I am totally lost. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 First, I am very sorry for what you are going through. You are in the company here of many who have been and are going through the same thing. Second. I would contact her AP's (affair partners) and let them know right away where I stood and that I would be fighting for her. Also, if they have wives, I would contact them as fast as possible. It is amazing how fast affairs stop when exposed. If you want to try to salvage the marriage, it sounds like you do, start there. In the meantime, GET TESTED FOR STD'S......NOW! Good luck to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 She told me she has no intentions of ending anything as she loves the "friend" and wants to continue the work affair. She gave you her answer. Call her bluff and file for divorce. Also, read the Betrayed Spouse and learn about the 180. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
shattered Inside Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Hi, In spite of confrontation she is not ready to leave him .Imagine how far it has gone.On one hand 10 months relationship and on the other 22 long years But than if i go back to 2008, i found my wife in the same situation and later on she very bluntly opted for 4 months relationship with another man over mine 6 years with her filled divorced and got ready even for leaving a 2 years son with me just for the mere signature of mine on the mutual consent petition.believe you me it came nowhere as it is in your case. everything was going fine and she never had any complaints.. But Than She came back because that man did exactly the same what she did to me but because i was emotional fool and wanting her so badly couldn't have the courage to say No when she asked me to come back..I begged ,cried touched her feet went to religious places, lost almost 12 kg in those 8 months kept calling(In other words disgraced my self like hell)and did exactly the opposite of suggested 180(please read what is 180 on this forum if you haven't)and finally when she came i was the most happiest man on this earth not realizing the fact that Once a cheater will always be a cheater. Its been 5 years now she has cheated me again (caught this time don't know how many times in these five years) and above she is an alcoholic and now finally i decided to quit,Thank God I could come out of this vicious cycle, separation filled and believe you me i am done now but than i wasted 5 precious years of my life on bloody cheater ..Wish i could say no to her on the first place:( So decide what you want to do now?Yes difficult to quit but than believe me it will save you from lot of sufferings don't be weak and be bold ..Don't rely on her decisions and terms ..dictate your terms and conditions to her... CHEATERS CAN'T IMPROVE AT LEAST MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE SAYS THIS ..ITS IN THE BLOOD AND I BELIEVE THAT THERE SHOULD BE A LAW IN EVERY COUNTRY " TO HANG A CHEATER TO DEATH" BECAUSE I CONSIDER IT MORE SERIOUS CRIME THAN A MURDER " TAKE CARE PLEASE 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 I don't want an open marriage. I want her for myself but she has all but told me she wants to stay married but she isn't willing to end her affairs. Plus I doubt she is being totally honest at this point anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Her head is so far up her affair, fantasy ass that the only thing that will get her attention is a dose of reality. Expose her affair, contact the affair partners wife or girlfriend and give them any evidence you have. Talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights. Do not beg or plead, that shows weakness and weakness is not attractive to her right now. Move her out of your bedroom immediately, protect your children and your finances, make the affair as difficult as possible, don't finance her cheating. Cut her off your cellular plan, let her pay for her own. You need to tell her that she is free to date who ever she wants to but not as your wife. You might as well find out fast if she is bullsh*ting you about not stopping the affair. If she chooses the Other Man(O/M) why waste any more time with her, who needs the pain of watching their wife date, get things started with the division of assets. Often starting the paperwork gives them a real shot of reality. It takes time to divorce but you can stop the process anytime up to the final decree. Do not have sex with her until she is tested for STD's. There is a good chance that you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg, it's always worse than they tell you and the never use protection. Accept no blame for her infidelity, she owns it 100%, regardless as to the state of the marriage. Please talk to a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Let me start off by saying that I am new here and found this site trying to find some answers. My wife and I have been married 22 years. She has always been straight laced and somewhat conservative sexually. I have always encouraged her to be more open in the bedroom with me as to spice things up. It took forever to get her into toys, oral, lingerie etc. I have always told my wife that she was beautiful, hot, sexy and so forth trying to encourage her. She really came out of her shell a few years ago and began to get more active with me in the bedroom. Our sex life has never been better and she has been my best friend. A couple of weeks ago I was checking our cell phone data usage and noticed an unfamiliar number she had been texting with. I asked her about it and she passed it off as a coworker who had some questions about a work related issue. I thought nothing else of it until a week or so later when I noticed texts from this same number. I again confronted her and this time she became really defensive, asking me why I was checking up on her texts. I told her I wasn't initially but had noticed a trend with this one number. She stormed off to bed and that was that. The next day I again questioned her because something just didn't seem right. She ignored my texts asking about it. When she got home from work that afternoon I brought it up again. She began stammering and I knew something was up. I pressed the issue until she finally admitted that for a few months she and this coworker had been fooling around. She said they had only kissed and played the touchy feely game and denied any sexual intercourse(which I highly doubt). I was devastated. I began to look further back into her texts and noticed hundreds of texts with a number I was familiar with, a friend of mine. I confronted her on this and she admitted they have been having an affair for the last 10 months. I point blank told her that this was unacceptable and if she cared anything about this marriage she would end it all and give us a chance to work it out. She told me she has no intentions of ending anything as she loves the "friend" and wants to continue the work affair. I am at such a loss because this is totally out of her character, especially since our relationship seemed to be the best it's ever been. I have given her the ultimatum, me or her "flings". I guess I'm just looking for opinions as I am totally lost. If you fight for her you're just asking for more heart ache. If she confessed that easily and shows no remorse and told you straight forward that she will not stop, how could you ever expect her to be committed to you? She's not even lying to you. You have the benefit of her saying that she will not stop. Are you okay with that? Do not try to talk her out of it. Dump her or accept it. Trying to change it is only going to put you at a disadvantage and open you up to more pain. She is not lying to you. Do yourself a favor and don't lie to yourself by believing she can commit. You will get over her and find someone who you love and who will treat you with respect and who will value you. Dump her. The alternative is to accept this mistreatment. The choices are both bad but one of the choices will bring you a happier future whereas the other will bring more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 If you fight for her you're just asking for more heart ache. If she confessed that easily and shows no remorse and told you straight forward that she will not stop, how could you ever expect her to be committed to you? She's not even lying to you. You have the benefit of her saying that she will not stop. Are you okay with that? Do not try to talk her out of it. Dump her or accept it. Trying to change it is only going to put you at a disadvantage and open you up to more pain. She is not lying to you. Do yourself a favor and don't lie to yourself by believing she can commit. You will get over her and find someone who you love and who will treat you with respect and who will value you. Dump her. The alternative is to accept this mistreatment. The choices are both bad but one of the choices will bring you a happier future whereas the other will bring more pain. I'll never trust her again. How can I? I just don't understand it. She has always been the "good girl" and our sex life and relationship has been great. What would cause her to do this?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I'll never trust her again. How can I? I just don't understand it. She has always been the "good girl" and our sex life and relationship has been great. What would cause her to do this?? Who knows. But it's not you. No one deserves to be cheated on. If she was not happy with you she should have discussed any issues with you to give your relationship an opportunity to improve. But assuming that never happened tells me it probably had more to do with her needing the attention from multiple men rather than something wrong in your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 I may could have some understanding if I had mistreated her or ignored her, but I didn't. I always complimented her on how good she looked or how sexy she was. I always tried to put her needs first. Our sex life was great. I just do not understand the need for her to go outside our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Oh crap, I'm so sorry. This is kinda worst case scenario. First thing, this is horrible horrible pain. I know. Tell your boss what is going on and that you will probably need a week off at least. You need to process some serious pain, anger, whatever. All of it. I recommend a book called "Love Must be Tough" for you. Forget the other books, I think this one applies so perfectly here. Sometimes I'm a softy when I talk to people on here and I love seeing families stay together...but your only chance...blech....is to go hard core. Either way it's the best thing. You can't be in a marriage like that. Don't go all angry if you can help it. I know it's really hard but keep your anger checked. Take breaks when you need to cool off. Don't move out, ask her to, or pack her bags, lovingly. Can't believe I'm repeating these words said to me, but it's so clear. I would blow this whole thing up...tell your family, tell her family, tell the OM's wife if there is one. You are separating because she is in an affair and refuses to stop. See how long her relationship lasts. You need to do this NOW. The more you cower on the floor the more she loses respect. The more you fight and manipulate in the house, the worse things get. Just start the divorce and tell people why. Simple. It's respectable. Don't do like I did and reveal little by little as I realize things aren't going my way. That comes off as psycho and manipulative. Do it all at once. Wishing you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I may could have some understanding if I had mistreated her or ignored her, but I didn't. I always complimented her on how good she looked or how sexy she was. I always tried to put her needs first. Our sex life was great. I just do not understand the need for her to go outside our marriage. Exactly - it's nothing you did. Something is wrong with her. Something is definitely wrong with her if she wants to stay married and will not end the affair. That is not okay. It is not normal. And something has got to be wrong with HER. Not you. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I may could have some understanding if I had mistreated her or ignored her, but I didn't. I always complimented her on how good she looked or how sexy she was. I always tried to put her needs first. Our sex life was great. I just do not understand the need for her to go outside our marriage. Absolutely not your fault. Even if you had done something heinous, affairs aren't the way to solve problems. She's being flat out selfish. You are right, you didn't sign up for an open marriage. She's changing the game, breaking her vows. Expose away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 The OM at work is married, the "friend" is single. I am contemplating telling the OM spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I don't want an open marriage. I want her for myself but she has all but told me she wants to stay married but she isn't willing to end her affairs. Plus I doubt she is being totally honest at this point anyway. Look, she's made her choice and it's time for you to make yours. Either let her cuckold you or give her an ultimatum to stop the cheating, work on your marriage or divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 The OM at work is married, the "friend" is single. I am contemplating telling the OM spouse. Take your time before doing anything that can't be changed. Think through all the scenarios carefully. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Also realize if you tell the wife she may dump him and he might have even more time for your wife! I'd spend my time focusing on how you can heal. What you need to do. Focus on you. I just cannot imagine wanting to keep her when she has shown so little concern for what you want and your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Look, she's made her choice and it's time for you to make yours. Either let her cuckold you or give her an ultimatum to stop the cheating, work on your marriage or divorce. It sounds like he already gave her the ultimatum and she said she won't stop. Time to follow through and leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 I want to work things put but she has made it apparent that she has no intentions of giving either up. I have given her the ultimatum. Her reply was I want to stay with you but not give up the affairs. I told her that wasn't an option and she had better decide before I decided for us both. When she gets mad at me for questioning her she tells me she despises me and hates me. I told her she has until the end of the week to decide or I will decide for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I want to work things put but she has made it apparent that she has no intentions of giving either up. I have given her the ultimatum. Her reply was I want to stay with you but not give up the affairs. I told her that wasn't an option and she had better decide before I decided for us both. When she gets mad at me for questioning her she tells me she despises me and hates me. I told her she has until the end of the week to decide or I will decide for her. Good. Don't say another word to her about it. Stay quiet until your deadline comes. Also do NOT tell the other BS. This will give her yet another thing to blame on you. Just stay stable for this week and no begging no hassling or punishing her. Stay calm and cool. When the deadline comes ask her "did you make up your mind?" IF she says "no" have a bag and a hotel room lined up and then walk out the door. IF she says "I can't stop" again be ready to walk out. If she says anything other than "I'm so sorry for what I've done, I have a problem and you mean so much to me I want to fix it and I know that means ending the affairs" - if she does not say that then leave. If she says anything other than that and you stay... guess what? You've given her permission to keep doing it and she will certainly keep doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 10 months is a long time in "affair world". Although it's hard to relate to this, it would be difficult right away for your wife to end the affair cold turkey because it would be like a significant break up. Same reason she can't commit 100% to you. If you wanted it to work out with your wife, there is more than one approach. Forcing the ultimatum is one way. And it has been effective. One theory I subscribe to is that if she was 100% committed to the affair partner, she'd already be long gone. So if she's on the fence, maybe she's looking for you to fight for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 10 months is a long time in "affair world". Although it's hard to relate to this, it would be difficult right away for your wife to end the affair cold turkey because it would be like a significant break up. Same reason she can't commit 100% to you. If you wanted it to work out with your wife, there is more than one approach. Forcing the ultimatum is one way. And it has been effective. One theory I subscribe to is that if she was 100% committed to the affair partner, she'd already be long gone. So if she's on the fence, maybe she's looking for you to fight for her. I shouldn't have to fight for her. If I had been a lousy husband then I could see it. I treated her like she was a princess, always making over her when she was self conscious about herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I shouldn't have to fight for her. If I had been a lousy husband then I could see it. I treated her like she was a princess, always making over her when she was self conscious about herself. Self conscious? Sounds like she needs constant validation and perhaps she became numb to it from you and that could be why she is latched onto these other men. It could also explain why you're disposable. She is not valuing you or these other men. It sounds as though men may be a tool for her to validate her worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Self conscious? Sounds like she needs constant validation and perhaps she became numb to it from you and that could be why she is latched onto these other men. It could also explain why you're disposable. She is not valuing you or these other men. It sounds as though men may be a tool for her to validate her worth. Don't get me wrong, I will fight for her but not if she has no intention of ending affairs and giving it a chance. She recently accepted the fact that she is sexy and she always dolls up and flaunts he stuff. I wouldn't think she is trying to validate her worth. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 She told me she has no intentions of ending anything as she loves the "friend" and wants to continue the work affair. Sadly, and I am sorry for your pain, you have no choice but to walk away (for now) and let her go. As long as she is unwilling to end her A with your so called friend (Obviously not a friend at all), then there's no point in even trying to fix things by going to marriage counseling and stay married to her. Not saying divorce, but separate. Time to tell her family what has been going on and yours as well. Is this guy married too? If so, his wife needs to know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firetruckie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Sadly, and I am sorry for your pain, you have no choice but to walk away (for now) and let her go. As long as she is unwilling to end her A with your so called friend (Obviously not a friend at all), then there's no point in even trying to fix things by going to marriage counseling and stay married to her. Not saying divorce, but separate. Time to tell her family what has been going on and yours as well. Is this guy married too? If so, his wife needs to know the truth. The "friend" is divorced, the work affair is married. Link to post Share on other sites
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