Wife's affair

[whichwayisup]

I want to work things put but she has made it apparent that she has no intentions of giving either up. I have given her the ultimatum. Her reply was I want to stay with you but not give up the affairs. I told her that wasn't an option and she had better decide before I decided for us both. When she gets mad at me for questioning her she tells me she despises me and hates me. I told her she has until the end of the week to decide or I will decide for her.

 

Good for you for standing up to her!

 

She IS in a fog and has no idea what life will be like without you in it. She has a lot to lose but can't see that yet. So, let her experience it. you love her and want her back, then give her rope to hang herself. Let her go "live life" without you in it all! See how 'happy' she truly is once her affair gets exposed, people find out..She can move out and find her own place or go move in with him! Trust me, once that affair bubble pops and she gets a smack in the face of reality and the fall out and feel consquences, THAT is when she'll come crawling back. But, do not rush to take her back, she has to prove to you she's worthy of a chance to make things right again and be genuinally remorseful of her cheating ways and own it all. Get help so she can figure out why she did this to you.

[RightThere]

I shouldn't have to fight for her. If I had been a lousy husband then I could see it. I treated her like she was a princess, always making over her when she was self conscious about herself.

 

Don't take this the wrong way, because I've been in your shoes (believe me). And if you chose not to fight for her, you will have nothing but support.

 

But the bold part of your statement is you shutting your eyes to why she was/is unhappy in your relationship. Some spouses cheat even though everything is perfect at home. But most do not. She's cheating because she is getting fulfillment to part of something that was not being fulfilled at home. This in no way condones her cheating, however.

 

You can choose to say it is not you, and that is fine. But in this relationship or a future one, you might doom yourself to have a repeat of the past if you don't consider that there may be something you needed to change.

[harrybrown]

Do not wait. It is time to file for divorce. Sometimes she will wake up out the affair fog, sometimes she will not.

 

Also expose her affairs to both her affair partners, her family, your family and your friends.

 

It is not time to be nice, you need to go to war. She is at war with you, she does not respect you. She told you she would not end the affairs.

 

Talk to your "friend" and give him a piece of your mind. He is a POS.

 

Your wife needs to wake up and how would she feel if you had the affair?

 

Does she do things with the POSOM that she would not do for you?

 

Has she given you a timeline of the affairs and a diary of her affairs?

 

Has she been tested for stds?

 

Kick her to the curb, get her out of your house.

 

Your marriage is over.

[aliveagain]

The OM at work is married, the "friend" is single. I am contemplating telling the OM spouse.

 

Tell her as honorably as you can, it will hurt her too, but do it immediately. I will bet money he throws your wife under the bus to save his own ass, he will blame her for everything. He knows what a divorce will cost him, child support, selling the house, cars, spousal support, he'll be lucky if he can afford a cardboard box by the time the lawyers get through with him. They can not work together, one of them has to leave even if it means you contacting HR and telling them about their affair. Is he her boss? You can't control her but you don't have to let her eat cake with you as her back up, close the bakery. She is all in or she is out. There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with Other Men is one of them. You can't nice her back into the marriage and you can't make somebody love you.

[firetruckie]

Don't take this the wrong way, because I've been in your shoes (believe me). And if you chose not to fight for her, you will have nothing but support.

 

But the bold part of your statement is you shutting your eyes to why she was/is unhappy in your relationship. Some spouses cheat even though everything is perfect at home. But most do not. She's cheating because she is getting fulfillment to part of something that was not being fulfilled at home. This in no way condones her cheating, however.

 

You can choose to say it is not you, and that is fine. But in this relationship or a future one, you might doom yourself to have a repeat of the past if you don't consider that there may be something you needed to change.

 

I have questioned this and asked her what part did I play in her need for an affair. She told me nothing, she just felt more for the "friend" after things just happened and the work affair was just something she is doing for fun.

[firetruckie]

As for the work affair she has admitted kissing him, them fondling and her meeting him and giving him blowjobs. She says this isn't really cheating. I told her anything that breaks my trust is cheating so to speak. I just suspect that if they have done this in a two to three month period they have probably had intercourse.

[RightThere]

I have questioned this and asked her what part did I play in her need for an affair. She told me nothing, she just felt more for the "friend" after things just happened and the work affair was just something she is doing for fun.

 

It's still early in the discovery part of the affair for both of you, so I'd bet she doesn't even know the answers to that yet either.

 

But if she's doing it just for the sake of doing it, then she's probably without emotion and a total psychopath. I doubt that is true, so she needs to do some real soul searching, without this relationship fog, to get some real answers.

 

I know with my own situation, my wife actually told me later on she was at a point without any remorse for anyone. The relationship fog from an affair is powerful stuff and will cloud judgement.

[atreides]

I want to work things put but she has made it apparent that she has no intentions of giving either up. I have given her the ultimatum. Her reply was I want to stay with you but not give up the affairs. I told her that wasn't an option and she had better decide before I decided for us both. When she gets mad at me for questioning her she tells me she despises me and hates me. I told her she has until the end of the week to decide or I will decide for her.

 

That is it in a nutshell, you are the stability and none of the fun and the OM is all of the fun and none of the stability.

 

I understand this is a shock and your feelings for her are strong but the above bold is enough said... file for D. You can always date again, nothing would stop you from doing whatever you want with her after the D. But please get a D, it at least protects you and allows you more options to pursue with the attitude she has towards you.

[RightThere]

As for the work affair she has admitted kissing him, them fondling and her meeting him and giving him blowjobs. She says this isn't really cheating. I told her anything that breaks my trust is cheating so to speak. I just suspect that if they have done this in a two to three month period they have probably had intercourse.

 

I would totally assume you are getting half truths right now. When there are multiple affairs (my situation was as well) the real truth comes out very slowly and is much different than the truth you get told in and around d-day.

[firetruckie]

I would totally assume you are getting half truths right now. When there are multiple affairs (my situation was as well) the real truth comes out very slowly and is much different than the truth you get told in and around d-day.

 

I figure as much. And I suspect these may not be the only two.

[atreides]

Lastly, you are not to blame for her infidelity as it occurs in "healthy", "old", "new", "just ok" and flat out "poor" marriages.

[atreides]

I shouldn't have to fight for her. If I had been a lousy husband then I could see it. I treated her like she was a princess, always making over her when she was self conscious about herself.

 

 

In the bold is spot on...BINGO! whether you were lousy is not relevant to her infidelity but the marriage. I can't tell you how many times i have heard "i treated them like a princess or a queen" and they get stepped on. It rings from the "nice guys finish last" mantra.

[RightThere]

I figure as much. And I suspect these may not be the only two.

 

Welcome to the club.

 

I will say the benefit of eventually getting the truth is that all those times something was going on, but you couldn't quite put your finger on it, make a lot more sense. And you weren't as crazy as you thought you were for thinking those things.

[Chi townD]

If the wife is saying that she hates you and despises you, fair enough. Pack her sh*t and she can be out the door! She can go be with the "friend" or better yet, pack up her sh*t and drop it off at the co-workers house. Tell his wife that they're taking on a new roommate, bedmate....whatever.

[firetruckie]

In the bold is spot on...BINGO! whether you were lousy is not relevant to her infidelity but the marriage. I can't tell you how many times i have heard "i treated them like a princess or a queen" and they get stepped on. It rings from the "nice guys finish last" mantra.

 

Thank you. I did treat her like a wife would want to be treated. But I would fight for her if she was willing to end it and give it a chance. She has repeatedly told me that she doesn't nor has any intention of ending it. When I push the issue she just blows up and tells me she despises me or "hates" me.

[RightThere]

I'll never trust her again. How can I? I just don't understand it. She has always been the "good girl" and our sex life and relationship has been great. What would cause her to do this??

 

There is a series of books (two right now) called Women's Infidelity. I will admit the author has no professional background and there is actually very little information about her available.

 

But the books are very insightful for both women in affairs and their husbands. I was actually quite shocked at how accurate they were to my own situation. The opinions on the books vary greatly, but they are a very difficult read for both the wayward wife and the betrayed husband.

 

Your "good girl" reference triggered me to think they might be close to the situation you are in.

[aliveagain]

As for the work affair she has admitted kissing him, them fondling and her meeting him and giving him blowjobs. She says this isn't really cheating. I told her anything that breaks my trust is cheating so to speak. I just suspect that if they have done this in a two to three month period they have probably had intercourse.

 

Are you kidding me? A blow job is ORAL SEX, sex is sex and can give you a whole range of STD's. There is still an exchange of bodily fluids. Your wife has had multiple affairs, serial cheater better describes her. Talk to a lawyer, start the process, you can stop it anytime you get real remorse. What you have now is not a marriage, your the only one in it, she's openly dating and besides wives can't have boyfriends. Your in an open marriage but she just forgot to tell you. Being nice is going to get you stepped on, take control, show her a consequence.

[firetruckie]

Are you kidding me? A blow job is ORAL SEX, sex is sex and can give you a whole range of STD's. There is still an exchange of bodily fluids. Your wife has had multiple affairs, serial cheater better describes her. Talk to a lawyer, start the process, you can stop it anytime you get real remorse. What you have now is not a marriage, your the only one in it, she's openly dating and besides wives can't have boyfriends. Your in an open marriage but she just forgot to tell you. Being nice is going to get you stepped on, take control, show her a consequence.

 

I agree. To me, even her kissing him was cheating as she knew I would not approve of it. I was just stating her trying to explain her way out of it. And I still think she has had intercourse with the work affair and isn't telling me.

[Jonah]

No detail other than the Irrevelant sex stuff. Highly abnormal response BS and WS. Walk in the park dd post.

 

my call: erotic fiction.

[firetruckie]

No detail other than the Irrevelant sex stuff. Highly abnormal response BS and WS. Walk in the park dd post.

 

my call: erotic fiction.

 

Glad my real life situation is erotic fiction to you.

[firetruckie]

No detail other than the Irrevelant sex stuff. Highly abnormal response BS and WS. Walk in the park dd post.

 

my call: erotic fiction.

 

I've never been in this situation before. I am just trying to make heads or tails out of what the hell happened yet you feel the need to call it erotic fiction? Find some other post to hijack then.

[Chi townD]

Thank you. I did treat her like a wife would want to be treated. But I would fight for her if she was willing to end it and give it a chance. She has repeatedly told me that she doesn't nor has any intention of ending it. When I push the issue she just blows up and tells me she despises me or "hates" me.

 

 

Just like a spoiled little brat that has her play things threaten to be taken away.

 

Dude, you need to expose her affairs. the one thing about affairs is that they're like roaches. They like the dark, and as soon as you turn on the light, they scatter. You need to bring her affairs into the light.

 

Problem is, you're a good guy and she knows it. She's using it to her advantage thinking that you're a push over. Time to loose the nice guy and show her that you're not a man to be messed with. That you will not tolerate being made into a cuckold.

 

You told her that you're giving her till the end of the week, the ONLY thing you're doing is giving her time to figure out how to hide these affairs from you. She wants her cake and eat it to and there's no way she want to change her fun. So, expose now! Don't warn her that you're going to do this, this only gives her time to warn everyone else. That buys them time to come up with a viable story.

 

Now, if you expose, be prepared! She is going to go nuclear on you. She is going to say the most vile things to you. Expect it and ignore it.

[atreides]

You told her that you're giving her till the end of the week, the ONLY thing you're doing is giving her time to figure out how to hide these affairs from you.

 

 

Bingo! Just file for D, as i said before it gives you a lot of options and control of the situation. You can always stop a D, or get back together after a D if that's something you want, but please file for D and expose.

[aliveagain]

I agree. To me, even her kissing him was cheating as she knew I would not approve of it. I was just stating her trying to explain her way out of it. And I still think she has had intercourse with the work affair and isn't telling me.

 

You have all the information and proof you need. Make a decision, not doing anything is still a decision, not doing anything gives her control of you and the destiny of your marriage. Why are you giving her the control? She cheated and if she doesn't find a way to fix things to your liking show her the door? She needs to take you seriously. Call a realtor, have him give you an evaluation on what the house is worth, take her off your credit cards, let her see what life without you is going to be like. She is not the prize, you are, let her fight for you, if she doesn't than your not wasting anymore time for a lost cause, get it over quicker, less pain. Show her that you chose a marriage without infidelity, don't let it be her decision because she has already made her decision. Talk to a lawyer, have I said it enough times? It's important if you want to get infidelity out of your life, take back the dignity she stole from you.

[Bryanp]

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

Your wife by her actions has shown that she has absolutely no respect for you and really only HAS contempt. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so apparently accepting and forgiving as you have been.

 

My guess is that you are a really nice guy and your wife down deep knew that there would be no consequences to her actions if you found out so there was really nothing to lose. The fact that she said she would continue her affairs is the ultimate slap in the face to you. She clearly thinks you will not stand up for yourself.

 

You do realize that there had to be times that you were intimate with your wife after she had been with one of her lovers. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You judge a person by their actions and her actions show that she has nothing but contempt for and your marriage. You need to:

1. immediately get tested for STD's

2. if you have children get them tested for paternity

3. see a lawyer immediately to understand your options.

 

One more time: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?