Need to vent....

[dollyB]

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like I'm being used. Not to say that my guy and I don't love each other, but somehow I end up feeling like I have to be there for him whenever he needs me. Up until a few weeks ago, I had no problem with it because in a relationship, you are there for each other automatically. Our only way of keeping in touch on a regular basis is through online messenger and phone. He usually calls me in the morning while I'm going to work (or sometimes wakes me up at night). We're 14-16 hours apart. I don't mind being woken up at night, or being late to work once in a while cuz he won't let me go. I used to be at work before 9, but for the last 8 or 9 months, I've started being late because of him. I didn't mind that at first, but since DST changed, our phone schedule has changed as well. He used to call me when I'd leave from work as well cuz it'd be early morning for him. He used to sometimes be late for work. Now he has stopped calling me (while I go home from work) cuz he says he'll be late for work, but he still goes to work late! I know this sounds petty, but it's beginning to bother me.

 

I hate it when things change. We used to talk on the phone a lot...mornings, lunch time, evenings, and sometimes at night. He used to wake up in the middle of the night just to chat with me online. I'd ask him to sleep, which he would...but then he'd wake up during my lunch time, and call me. When he'd be at work, I'd log on and we'd chat (my night). But now, we only talk in the mornings (or if he wakes me early morning). Lunch time phone calls are gone cuz he's sleeping. Evening phone calls are gone cuz he says he'll be late for work. (Which, he usually is anyway.) The only time we chat is when I log on at night. If I come online late at night, he gets upset that I should log on as soon as I get home from work.

 

Of course I don't want him to stay up at night just so we can talk, but I've started feeling like I've to schedule my day according to his preferences. He says to me that the most peaceful time he has is when he knows I'm sleeping at night because he doesn't need to worry about me then. Does that mean he doesn't trust me at other times?

 

I know this probably sounds very immature and childish, so how do I get rid of these feelings? We've talked about this many times. At times I've told him that I feel like he talks to me whenever HE wants and ignores me at other times. We talk about it and things seem ok for the next few weeks, and then it's back to the same thing. I've never ever been the type who wants constant attention, but he gave me so much attention in the beginning of our relationship, that I actually got used to it. I've always been the type to want my own space, and give others their's. I sometimes feel like I'm turning into something I don't want to. I don't question him most of the times, like where he's been, where he's going, etc. I don't ask him to call me, nor do I call him at odd times. But I get so upset cuz of these little things.

 

Is it just me overreacting, or am I right when I say I feel like he only talks to me whenever HE wants/can?

[Solana]

To me it just sounds like the stress of the LSR is getting to you.

 

Of course when you're in *any* new relationship (including LDRs) you spend alot more time together, talking on the phone, etc. Then things settle into a less hectic pattern and theoretically both of you are more comfortable with the relationship and therefore don't need quite so much affirmation that you are madly in love with each other.

 

I think that while the late night calls on his part were definitely sweet and going the extra mile, you can't expect a person to interrupt their sleep every night forever to talk to you. It just isn't practical. And I could see if he was expecting you online at a certain time and you showed up later than expected by a few hours, he might be irritated.

 

The key is to just accept that a little bit less communication might be a better long-term solution for your relationship, due to time constraints, etc. And it might be a good idea to use email and phone messages to plan ahead when you will talk to each other. That way you both have something to look forward to, nobody is having his/her expectations unmet, and all is right with the world.

 

Solana.

[Solana]

Oh yeah, and getting in an irritation contest to see who is working harder in the relationship is a very bad idea. Try to prevent that type of negativity from taking hold and instead concentrate on positive solutions for whatever is causing the difficulties between you. Remember, you can't just snuggle into bed and get his forgiveness like you would during a normal relationship.

 

Solana.

[dollyB]

Thanks Solana. Just what I needed. That's what he says too when we patch things up. He says we're comfortable enough with each other to cool things off and just go with the flow. I totally understand that. Most of the time, I'm cool with that. What gets to me is that the expectation is there on his part, but I'm not allowed to have the very same expectations. He comes and goes (not literally) when he wants, but I've to be there for him whenever he wants. I'm in front of the computer for 8 hours straight at work. When I get home, I don't even wanna look at the computer. I just want to relax and do my own thing for a few hours.

 

Regarding interrupting sleep, I totally understand that as well. But at the same time, though I don't mind it at all, he interrupts my sleep. I kinda like being woken up by him early early morning...or sometimes in the middle of the night. But I feel like he doesn't realize that it should work both ways! I'm the type who will never expect something from anyone, unless I'm willing to do it myself. It's all about give and take.

 

Using email/phone to plan ahead hasn't even been thought of. Talking to each other has been such an everyday-normal thing, that we never had to plan ahead. We've been talking to each other every single day for the past 9 months. Since last month, it's been getting reduced, and it's beginning to bother me...mostly because I personally resist any type of change in life.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for your words of advice. I really needed it. I just have to work on myself.

[greenlove]

The advice that has been given by Solana is really good.

 

Take her advice, I think its also very important to note you have to communicate your feelings with him. The key to maintaining a long distance Relationship is good communication...but I do think you are just being stressed with the LDR.