jenspaz Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 i dont know what to do. I am with a guy that i have been with for about 6 months now. the relationship is clearly abusive in many ways, but i cling to him and when things get bad and he says he is going to leave i get scared and even though what i want is to let him go and get out of the relationship and into a safe place, each and every time i find myself trying to convince him to stay, and he does. let me go into some minor details on how this is an abusive relationship..... the first day i met him, he ended up coming to my apartment because he had been living with his ex-girlfriend (they had an apartment together) and when she found out about me they got into a fight and he left. (well that is the story according to him, and THAT hasnt proven to be honest, so i dont know if that is what really happened or just another LIE) He told me he needed somewhere to stay for the weekend. I let him stay......he hasnt left my apartment since then.....i am 21 and was 21 when i met him.....i had never had sex, and becauase of my religious beliefs was going to wait until i was married. This was a STRONG belief of mine and i normally wouldnt compromise that. That first night he wanted to sleep in my bed, i let him, he asked to take his pants off and i said yes, assuming he was wearing boxers. He wasnt.....the first night with him, he ended up sleeping naked next to me. On the third night we had sex....that is when i realized that the first day i met him he told me he had herpes, i didnt really understand what he meant because of how he said it, this is when it sunk in.......that really isnt "abusive" so i will get on with the story....... it has gotten worse as i knew him more, in the begining i was afraid to lose him, he was the best thing in my life. now that is changed, my heart wants him gone, but my head wont let me do it......... I am at my sisters house an hour away from him.......she doesnt like him and wont alllow him to be here. none of my friends like him......he is getting mad because i keep saying im coming home and dont, i keep putting it off, he has basically forbidden his friend who is also my friend to talk to me when he isnt around. He told me last night he isnt mad that im here with my sister. he is just mad because he cant spend everyday with me......he gets so jealous... he is ALWAYS asking me if "my other boyfriend" is standing next to me, or "are you having sex with someone else" or "who is he" or "who did you flirt with when you were gone" stuff like that....... he is basically making me choose between my friends and family, or him. he SAYS its okay that i spend time with these people but throws me a guilt trip when i actually do. To the point where FOR some reason i cry and beg him to stay........ he blames everything on me....I am mistreating him, i am putting him through hell, HE doesnt deserve to be treated this way, and ALL I DO IS SPEND TIME WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE....my friends and family. He told me once he is glad i dont have any friends, that he likes being the only one in my life....... and SEX, he tells me he doesnt see anything wrong with having sex every night, and even up to 5 times a day! i was abused as a child, and am TOTALLY uncomfortable with having sex at all....he doesnt seem to care. He doesnt even seem to care that EVERY time we have sex, he is risking giving me an incureable sexually transmitted disease. When i have said i didnt want to have sex without comdoms he said "you buying?" he tells me he wouldnt want to have sex this much if he didnt LOVE me like he did. WHATEVER! He is clearly using me. Once i told him i didnt want to have sex at all anymore, and i said "take sex out of the relationship and see how long it takes this relationship to go downhill" a few days after that when i had stuck to my word he said "im getting tired of this no sex bull****" IT HAD ONLY BEEN two and a HALF DAYS with no sex!" i told him that made me felt used. i ALWAYS feel like he is using me! he didnt have a job for the 6 months since i met him, he just got one. When i first met him i let him BORROW 400 dollars to pay a ticket so he would stay out of JAIL. He had no income at that time......he has only given me 130 of that back. HE LIVES IN MY apartment, doesnt help with rent, doesnt help buy food, doesnt help with household items, and TOTALLY lives off of ME! i am on social security dissability and can barely support myself. I am also on food stamps, and he USES me for it I KNOW IT. he continues to play on my weaknesses.... he KNOWS all my issues, he KNOWS i have an eating disorder, struggle with body image, cant stand up for myself, dont like myself, he KNOWS i was sexually abused as a child, KNOWS i went through foster care, KNOWS everyone else in my life has left me, and just PLAYS on the weaknesses i have.........that is where i made a mistake, i TOLD him the things i struggle with and i feel like he has just taken advantage of those things and used them to BENEFIT himself! i take sleeping medicine (seroquel) and one night i wasnt quite asleep but i pretended to be....seroquel KNOCKS you out, its like a tranquilizer or something.....he sleeps naked, and KNOWING i was on meds and supposidly sleeping he decided to have sex with me, the next day i told him i was awake and to me it felt like rape because according to what he knew i was knocked out on serouquel. another night i woke up to him touching me.......i yanked his hand away and said that i just woke up...... there are a few good things, i think that is what is keeping me here, I WANT TO LEAVE but i just dont have the strength.....im not sure what to do anymore. i am resorting to old behaviors to deal with things, i think im just scared to be alone again.....i am not eating, thinking suicidal thoughts, and cutting myself again, and NOW i am staring to drink.....i never use to use that to deal, but i am now.....i am scared...... he punched a hole in my apartment wall.....and stole 20 dollars out of my bank acocunt and wasnt planning on telling me until i called the bank and found out...... he has also called me names like "dumb twit, psycho bitch, insane, stupid, bitch, lesbo, dyke" all kinds of things that make me feel like crap beating myself up because i cant let him go, because i see this now and cry and keep him here....im lost....... if you know how i feel or just have some advice please help me, i can use all the help i can get right now. thank you ~jen~ Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Honey, your post clearly expressing all the reasons why you should leave him. If he makes you feel like this, I don't why you would want to stay. By letting him stay, you're letting him treat you like this. It takes two people to let a situation like that to go on, you need to leave. I'm telling you from experience that this guy isn't worth your time. I just got out of a relationship that, while not quite so abusive, was just impossible. I couldn't let him go anymore then you can let this guy go. I wasted a year and a half of my life on this guy and now he's gone for good. You know why? I finally told myself that I deserved better. I deserved better then him constantly breaking up with me and wanting to come back. I deserved better then being called b*tch, stupid wh*re, cu*t, etc. when he was mad. And I realized that if he really did love me and was worth sticking around for, he wouldn't call me those things in the first place. It was the hardest thing to do when he wanted me back a forth time and I turned him down. But you know what? I did and now I'm with an awesome guy who treats me the way I want and deserve to be treated. And now I just shake my head at myself wondering why i wasted time on such a cold hearted b*stard. You already know what's best for you, you just need to follow through. You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Hoo boy. Guys like this can be really dangerous when you ditch them too. Are you seeing a therapist? Have you talked to your therapist about it? If not, go schedule an appointment with a counselor. Call your local health department or social services office for a referral if you need to - tell them everything you have said here. They can help you with taking safe steps to getting out of this relationship. Everything from moral support to help your self esteem (which will help give you the strength you need to break free) to legal advice on restraining orders. You do need help with this one. He sounds dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Soon2bsngl Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I think it's pretty clear what you need to do. He sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you as a human being. Please get out now before something tragic happens. You deserver so much better. If he won't leave the house willingly, then have the police remove him for you. Good luck, keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 umm...HELLO?!!!! this guy is making ur life miserable...kick him out of ur apartment and thats it... if he wont leave call the cops...he's taken away soo much from you , whats the point? there's all these negatives things about him , are there even any +? get him out of ur life and find someone who's actually worth it? common sense with this one...sorry to sound mean but it gets me mad when people acknowledge their getting treated poorly and dont do anything about it Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I don't know what it is about abusive relationships and why some women tend to stay with these losers!! NEVER, ever tell me that you CAN'T get out of a relationship....that's BS.....you can too, just don't be lazy about it and do it. My Mom stayed with her abusive husband just for the security of his money. She watched as us kids were beat dailiy and she didn't flinch......I hated her for it at the time. I don't know if it's a sickness or what it is, but most women I've ran into with and abusive husband tend to stay with them.....it baffles me! Tell the butt head to get out of your place, get a restraining order on him, and get you a second job if you have to in order to make it on your own.....whatever you do, don't ever make yourself believe you can't change what's going on in your life! Link to post Share on other sites
loserinlove Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 this guy sounds like a stud...send this oily variety beau hunk my way. i want him to shack up with me and steal my money. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 i think the "i have herpes...wanna screw? you buy the condoms cause i don't give a fu*ck, i just want to get myself off" would have sent him flying out of my apartment and on his a$$. you already know there is no reason to be with him. get his stuff out of your place, and do not let him come in when he comes to find it outside waiting for him. call the police and tell them you have a potential situation and that you may need their assistance at some point so they will be ready. this guy is a creep...do not let him do this to you. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Although my situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, i can relate to a few things (such as being blamed for everything wrong in the relationship, being called names.) i can tell you now that i understand it is not easy to leave someone like this. In fact, even when you KNOW YOU SHOULD, you will struggle to find the strength and most of the time you will stay...later thinking to yourself "what the hell is wrong with me?! i know he is bad for me, i know he is making me miserable..why cant i just leave!?" Because he has downtrodden you so badly, you are so broken from his sh*t that you can't find the strength to toss him aside. Does he play the guilt trip game with you? when he is upset about something, he lashes out at you and makes you feel like you are the worst person in the world...and during his verbal abuse you realise "this isnt right! what the hell is he doing this for! this is wrong! how dare he!" but YOU end up apologising and begging his forgiveness because he will say "or else ill dump you or ill do this to you or ill say this about you, because you're a terrible person" (or something to that effect). Believe me hun..you cannot get out of this situation without lots of support. I think maybe seeing a therapist would help you immensly. Link to post Share on other sites
melnmojave Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 hey, do we have the same guy? jeezzz... how many of these freaks are running the streets? I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am experiencing almost the exact same thing. I am 40 and this is the first time I have encountered one of these types (sociopaths?) I think we should make a huge website for women that "blacklists" these guys - they can cause serious damage, including suicide......actually, one of my guys former girls did make a website about my freak..... (she did try to commit suicide) I just didnt see it before I got sucked-in. I am also still struggling to break free - i have a couple of times but always get weak when he starts begging to come back.....I am screwed-up. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Sounds to me you are co-dependant on him. Being abused as a child, all you felt was rejection and a failure. Even though this is all his fault, you will still feel that rejection and failure unless you keep taking him back like you are. You have to keep telling yourself until you are convinced that you are a good person, that you are worth being with. You are worth being with someone who treats you good. He is the lowest of the low to take advantages of your misfortunes. That is not love, that is a controlling behavior. You can't fix him only he can do that himself. And unless he's willing to get counseling nothing will change. Get the courage to leave this jerk. Get the support of your family and friends. When you start thinking negative thoughts about yourself and your past, you need to change them into postive ones. Also, you clearly need counseling for yourself, especially if you have an eating disorder. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 I'm 22 and it's the first time i have experienced something like this too. There were warning signs in the begining, as well as having a gut feeling a lot of our ideas didnt mesh on some issues..i still stayed. It is going to be one year on sunday that i have been with this person, and in my heart of hearts i KNOW i need to break this off..before i lose all hope and lose my mind completely. I feel like im on the edge and im about to crack..Ive never felt such anger towards someone for their treatment of me. Link to post Share on other sites
heartburn Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Your self esteem is low and sounds like you have no respect for yourself. Kick his ASS out! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 What fuzzles me the most, is that he's mooching off of you. He's living off of all of your money and stuff. If you were in an abusive relationship with someone that you depended on financially, I could half way understand, but you're totally independant! Did you dump him yet? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Be very careful about disengaging from this relationship. The best thing to do is become distant and passive. Become boring to him. Make him lose interest and think that it was his idea to leave. Otherwise you may run the risk of having a crazy-psychotic-stalker-restraining-order-ex. Like me. Wait, were you dating my ex? Kidding. Sounded a lot like him, though. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 LISTEN TO JOL !! jol you are soo right, and you just helped me a great deal x Link to post Share on other sites
Christianlaurie Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Relationships like this become like a drug. The highs and lows are addicting and the most dangerous key is self-resentment. Worse than the abuse this guy is doing is what he is making you do to yourself. Your self resentment is gluing you to him. If you made a list of the things he says and does that hurt you and made a list of the opposite of what he is saying and doing right next to it, you would see what you need....He isolates you, so you need to surround yourself with loving people. He puts you down...surround yourself with people who lift you up. ETC... Contact the Victim Assistance Program. Talking to others in your situation will help. They have been there and survived. Remember, there is always someone out there who has been through worse, survived, and came out even better. You can do it. One day at a time. Be good to yourself. The best way to get someone you love out of an abusive situation is to love them...then they will have a strong enough self-esteem to go. Do things to strengthen your self esteem. He has broken you down...fill your life with people and things that build you up. You can do this. You can get out of this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Wow, im glad i could help.. I have been broken up with my abuser for 3 months now IT HAS BEEN THE BEST 3 MONTHS IN A LONG TIME!! No more tears no more tantrums no more walking on eggshells no more guilt no more disgust no more fear no more disrespect no more!!!!! Nothing..NOTHING in the world will make you happier than the feeling of leaving your abuser..it Is LIBERATION. Link to post Share on other sites
melnmojave Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 girl, you need to get rid of him fast! the nightn he had sex with you while you were "asleep" was rape - he is isolating you, keeping you from family and friends so he can dominate you and no one will know AND it will break you down mentally. I have been where you are. start dating a new guy to distract you and get you away from the creep! do whatever! I normally wouldnt advocate a new man but sometimes it helps.....it's what i had to do once. You have to let creep go and fight off the thoughts of him..... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 mel - this is an old, old post. Link to post Share on other sites
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