Mystikal Posted January 12, 2001 Share Posted January 12, 2001 Hi all........ this would be the first time I've ever writen in a message board. The reason why Im doing so its that I'm getting soo many different opinions and suggestions in reference to my dilemma that I'm extremely confused... Here goes... I met this guy about 1yr ago and became good friends, I met him threw mutual friends. We hang and it was nice I have to say I've never met anyone like him, he was nice, intelligent, sociable, funny, and all the good things we all look in a friend. Somewhere down the line he crossed the line we woman make between friends and boyfriend. I didnt realized that had happened until he pointed it out so we started dating. When things began to get serious I get this speech ladies you know the one...how he cant give me what I need in life, how he is not ready for a commitment or relationship, how he just want to be friends with benefits of course... I've tried my best to give it time and see if he comes to his senses... is not like if Im asking him to marry me or anything, but I just want him to love me, care for me, appreciate me, be there for me the things we look in a relationship.... I just dont know if I should keep on waiting or cut my losses and move on. I do love him but I just cant wait forever.... Any suggestions? thanks for listening! Mystikal Link to post Share on other sites
sges Posted January 12, 2001 Share Posted January 12, 2001 mystical, i wish i had better advice at the moment. i'm on here b/c i have aomething similar. i've been hanging on to this amazing guy for 6 months. (you can read more on my posted question "wait or move on" for details...)for you i ask, is there a reason why he isn't ready for a commitment, or does he just want to play? does he talk as if there will/might be a time when he is ready? if both answers are no, then definately cut and run...if the answers are yes, well then maybe there's more to consider... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 12, 2001 Share Posted January 12, 2001 Well, I think if you played your cards the same as when you were just friends and rolled the deal into romance...you could eventually roll on from romance into an official committed relationship. Why did either of you have to notice that things were getting serious? You should have just let that happen. If he brought it up, you could have told him you hadn't noticed things were getting serious...you were just enjoying the relationship. Some guys just get really frightened when they think of taking things to a greater level. You know, one thing leads to another...marriage, children, doctor bills, house payments, emergency room when the kid gets hit with a baseball bat, property taxes, PTA Meetings, divorce, attorneys, child support, visitation, etc. etc. It kind of all goes through a guy's head all at once. It's really enough to knock a guy out for a while. It's like one giant brain fart that lasts a while. So if you take things very gradually, keep the guy from knowing just what's happening to him, it all works out OK. The guys that really dive in and don't give you the line about they can't give you what you need probably haven't thought about what you need or what you will need that you don't even know yet. They just love you and want that love forever. Then they find out about all the other goodies later. Hey, this is life. It's great. It's the way it is. It's the only way it works. So, joy to the world. Tell your guy everything is OK and you're willing to just enjoy the relationship and not worry about anything else. You even said yourself all you want from him is to love you, care for you and be there for you. I think he can do that. He's been doing that. Why make it official, at least for now. In a moment of weakness, I'm sure he'd eventually propose. Whether you cut your losses and move on or hang in there is totally up to you. If you can talk to him, take some pressure off of him, and let him know you just want his love and caring, I think this could work out real well. In time, I'm sure he'll turn around in favor of a more permanent arrangement. If he doesn't in a reasonable amount of time, then you can think about some changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel Posted January 12, 2001 Share Posted January 12, 2001 Tony, I think you missed a key point. If he had said things were "fine" the way they were, etc.but he just wasn't ready for a relationship, then it would be one thing. But just friends, with benefits, is NOT a relationship, and is not OK. You can tell him you can be boyfriend/girlfriend and you are not interested in a commitment at this time, however friends dont sleep with friends. You are the only one who knows your own heart. Maybe you realize already that he is NOT going to commit, not now, not ever. I went out with someone like that for 2 years. You think they change and they don't I got one of the best pieces of advice on this very board. When a man says they are not ready, then LISTEN. He is telling you is will NOT commit to you. I dont' think being patient is the key. Walk away now. Tell him if he changes his mind and you are available (if you are available) then you will reconsider a relationship. Cut your losses now. The good news is that it doesn't totally destroy you. It is hard the first few weeks, but if you keep extra busy, it will in time be OK. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Mystikal Posted January 19, 2001 Share Posted January 19, 2001 Well I would like to thank all of you for your advice. Im not quite sure what I will do, I see Tony has a point. However, hugs its true what you said I should listen when he tells me "He cant commit". As it is right now we've decided to take some time off from each other and you are right it does get better with time. If and when he's ready and Im available then we will sit and discuss things. In the meantime I'll keep busy and my friends will help me get threw this... Once again Thank you all!!! Mystikal Link to post Share on other sites
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