My husband suddenly wants kids and I don't

[Nyla]

We met in our early 20's and weren't interested in kids. He was ok with this but that said maybe one day it might kick in and I'll change my mind (other people told me that too). Then we got married 5 years ago and ever since March of this year he has been suddenly demanding for kids.

 

I'm now 30 years old and haven't change my opinion. I don't want to ever have kids and things haven't been the same since.

 

I'm concerned about these past weeks. He's been saying that he might file for divorce. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want kids. This really shocked me when he said that word. Seriously. He sounded serious and we haven't been having sex too much lately.

 

It appears that your husband married you, hoping that you would change your mind about having children. That was an unfair assumption on his part.

 

Filing for divorce would actually be a logical solution. Whether or not to have children is a dealbreaker. You should not have to become a mother when you don't want to, just to please your husband. It wouldn't be fair to your child. If your husband desperately wants kids, it is best for him to find someone who feels the same way.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad that my husband was so sure that he didn't want kids that he had a vasectomy. We are a happily childfree couple.

[Nyla]

And more than likely it would be you doing all the raising. Easy for him to want kids when he doesn't have to do most of the work.

 

Hey look, he's the one who suddenly changed the rules and is acting like a d*ck because YOU didn't do an about-face on your beliefs. You can't control that. But his childish divorce threats simply because you're still holding to an ideal that you've always had just makes him look like even more of a jerk.

 

If he's that willing to throw you out simply because his biological clock is suddenly working, then I'd gladly give him his wish.

 

This is so true! It is very easy for a man to say he wants kids because he will go through NOTHING compared to his partner. There would be far less children in this world if men were the ones who were pregnant, gave birth and had to do all the childrearing.

 

My mother once said to me: "Your father doesn't do anything. All he does is get me pregnant." Of course, my mother should have been strong enough to say that she did not want so many children.

[Nyla]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like your husband thought you'd change your mind and suddenly get a case of "baby rabies", but you probably won't. I got married when I was 30 (husband's 2nd) with both of us agreeing that we don't want kids. We took a lot of flack for it, and lost a few friends to parenting along the way. I'm 44 now and still don't want kids, nor do I ever regret my decision. In fact, I celebrate each birthday as decreasing fertility.

 

My husband left me 6 mos ago and our divorce was final July 29. I was blindsided and even asked him at one point, "does this have anything to do with us not having kids?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "No, why would you even ask that?" I told him since he had become someone I didn't know, I wasn't sure about anything.

 

I guess my advice to you is not to compromise or you will regret it. Divorce sucks, but having a child that you don't want will suck worse, and is not fair to the child.

 

And fyi....lots of men have the romantic idea of what parenting is like because they only see the fun parts. Let him have a baby or toddler to to take care of for 24 hours, and I bet he'll rethink the desire to be a parent.

 

Yes! I wanted children until I was a nanny. The abusive childhood certainly didn't help.

[Nyla]

I agree to a point. But I don't think it is an absolute. That is why I said more likely. People change their minds.

 

I was very serious I wanted four kids. I actually experienced childbirth and got older and guess what.

 

I was very serious about having only two and got my tubes tied.

 

People change their minds as they grow and experience life. You can't say they were never serious about something just because 10 years later they changed their mind.

 

As a childfree woman who is often told she will change her mind when she gets older, I agree with TaraMaiden's statement.

 

If a person is serious about not wanting children, she is going to do everything she can to avoid becoming a parent. Firm decisions never waver.

 

I love it when people tell me that I will change my mind, because it gives me the chance to grin and mention my husband's vasectomy. Some people murmur about reversals, but I always remind them that vasectomy reversals are not always successful...especially if the vasectomy was done more than five years prior to the changing mind.

 

Are you implying that not wanting children indicates a lack of growth and experience?

[maybealone]

He started changing ever since talking to some of his friends from work that have kids. He said every time he now sees a child smiling or playing, he imagines it was him taking his kid for a ride.

 

It is really easy for men to romanticize being a father and think of only the fun parts. This does not mean they are willing to share childrearing duties in anything close to an even amount.

 

While I agree with the others that you both will likely end up resenting each other if one of you compromises, to me there is a bigger issue. Your husband hoped you would change your mind and said what he needed to say to marry you. He seems to have made it clear that he has no problem leaving you if you don't give him what he wants. If I were in your position, I'm not sure how that would affect my ability to trust him even if the issue of children was resolved.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree to a point. But I don't think it is an absolute. That is why I said more likely. People change their minds.

 

I was very serious I wanted four kids. I actually experienced childbirth and got older and guess what.

 

I was very serious about having only two and got my tubes tied.

 

People change their minds as they grow and experience life. You can't say they were never serious about something just because 10 years later they changed their mind.

This is a change of mind, due to experience, perception and circumstance.

 

Those who do NOT have children, and insist they do not ever intend to have them, and mean it - will never have their minds changed by experience, perception, or circumstance.

 

(And let us not bring in the accidental pregnancy into the discussion: I know two women who were equally determined to never, ever have kids, who became pregnant accidentally.

One kept her child and loved it to bits, but only because she refused to consider abortion - and was still of the opinion that she never would have intentionally become a mother; the other gave her daughter up for adoption. So such cases are irrelevant, as they can only be considered arbitrarily.)

[Lauriebell82]

I think your husband DID want kids, but because you two were so young he was willing to take the chance that you'd change your mind as you got older. But you didn't. Just out of curiosity, when your husband speculated that you may change your mind, how did you respond to that? IMO, that should have been a warning bell to you that he was not 100% on board with the no kids decision.