Is it wise to date a very close friend?

[Arctic_Prison]

I have been friends with this girl (she is 23 years old) for 11 years. We met in primary school. I always had feelings for her (and still do to this very day) and even asked her out in the early years of high school, but I was not successful. Neither of us let it get in the way of our friendship and have not even talked about it since.

 

For the past 5 years, her and I are as good as siblings to one another. I am considered to be a part of her family and get along incredibly well with her parents and siblings. We used to hang out every single day back in college until I moved away. Now I only get to see her three or four times a year.

 

Lately, I have been noticing things and have been told things by our mutual friends that would suggest she is interested in me, which I am not too sure if they are correct or not. Things like:

 

- Laughing at my terrible jokes

- Looking at me when I am not aware

- Always walking besides me and trying to be closer to me than our other friends when we are all hanging out

- Defending me in debates and arguments with friends (she is usually too shy to do so)

 

The other night, we were watching a movie at our mutual friend's house and she was complaining about sore shoulders. I asked her if she would like a shoulder massage to help out and she gladly accepted. She kept leaning further into me as I was doing it, eventually making it impossible to continue so I resorted to cuddling her from behind and she held my hands.

 

This is from a girl that is shy and usually not very physical with others outside of her siblings and closest female friends and definitely not with her male friends. She has also never had a boyfriend and claims to have never had any interest in any person (male or female) before. Although it has been quite some time since she has said this.

 

Not sure if these signs means there is something going on with her feelings towards me. But, if it does mean that, is it a wise idea? As I stated, we are essentially brother and sister to one another. We know each other almost too well. Is it wise to seek out a relationship with such a close friend? I have great feelings for her in that way, so that is not the problem. My concern is whether or not it would change the way we are with one another in a negative manner.

 

Need someone else's perspective on this as I am hopeless at this game.

[Criticality]

You're a lucky guy Arctic Prison...

 

Now before I go on why you're a lucky guy, let me ask you... How much experience do you and this girl have in regards to the opposite sex and dating?

 

From the sound of it, she's clearly into you, and definitely sounds like something you should pursue. Why? Because if you don't, it'll haunt you and her 10 years from now, when you go over a rough patch in your marriage and you wonder "what if..."

 

People rarely reach their 40ies and 50ies and regret all of the close platonic friends they've lost. (Family, kids, marriage and life in general tends to clear up the number of those anyways...)

 

But when ever you meet somebody who has been lucky enough to be married for a long time, they'll tell you that their partner is also either a good friend or their best friend.

 

It's a much better platform for building a life together than just physical attraction or "being in love".

 

So yeah... Take a chance on her. Don't turn it into a talkfest or arrange for deep conversations where you explore each others feelings. Chances are it'll either kill the mood or you'll talk each other out of it.

 

People who have been together a long time usually have a good story about how they met, or can vividly remember their first kiss.

 

Why? We like to imagine that things were "meant to be".

 

Just invite her out one day, try to put your arm around or try to kiss her. She'll probably give you enough physical cues that she is interested, like she did during the massage. (And hey: Even the most rational or unattractive girl would rather believe that the guy is so crazy about her, that he just couldn't stop himself, when he suddenly kissed her, rather than being led into it through an intellectual exercise in exploring each others feelings.)

[Criticality]

Oh, and about your question: My concern is whether or not it would change the way we are with one another in a negative manner.

 

If things don't work out, it obviously will. But guess what, if you don't make an effort or a move in this direction, it'll change negatively anyways down the road once a husband or kids come into the picture.

 

Do something now: You might at least get a great relationship out of it for a few years or decades.

 

Do nothing: In ten years she'll be that "close friend" you email twice a year. And get a Christmas card from. You were invited to the wedding, and for a few seconds when you kissed her on the cheek and wished her good luck you really meant it.

[Cali408]

Go for it. You're the best of friends. It will make the love even deeper. Make the first move.

[unicorn farts]

For the love of all that is holy ask her out and be direct about it. Make it clear you're interested in dating her. Don't do that weird shy hinting around thing for years and then get upset when she doesn't like you. JUST ASK HER OUT. If you get rejected, you go back to being friends. Fine. If she accepts, you may have found a wonderful thing. Either way good luck to you!

 

I'm married to my best friend and I think being close friends to begin with made it much better.

[jimloveslips]

dude she's way into you...

 

... or she thinks you're gay.

 

Ah, go for it anyway.

[Arctic_Prison]

@Critically - I know I am a lucky guy.

 

She has had zero experience in dating. Although she has had at least 7 or 8 different guys that have attempted to date her (including my earlier attempt), she has turned them all down. I myself have had two long term relationships (2 years and 4 years) but we don't talk about those.

 

I get what you are saying about the "what if" scenario. It is something that I dwell on even though I think (or try to convince myself) that I would be fine so long as I still had her as a friend.

 

I have very little knowledge of good friends dating. No one I know has done so, so it is good for me to hear (read) that it seems to be a good thing. At least from where you are standing.

 

I don't know if it is a wise idea to try and randomly kiss her. She does not strike me as the type to enjoy that kind of spontaneous flair.

 

She was that close friend that I only hear from over the internet a few times a year. That alone was painful.

 

 

 

@Cali408 - I have never made the first move with women. Both times I was in a relationship, I was acted upon by the person I was interested in. Will be interesting to shake up the style a bit.

 

 

 

@unicorn farts - I am not the kind of person to get upset if feelings are not reciprocated. But if I do make a move, which from all the feedback I have received seems like the thing to do right now, I would definitely be direct about it.

 

My only concern is that this will be the second time I have asked her out. I know the first time was a long time ago, but if she does not have feelings for me, will the second time make her angry? She has a very long memory.

 

I am glad to hear you married your friend and you are happy together.

 

 

 

@jimloveslips - Is it that obvious she is into me just from these things? Forgive me for being ignorant. I am terrible at reading these sorts of things.

 

She knows well and truly that I am not gay. Unless Tom Hiddleston was on the table. Now THAT'S a different story.

[carhill]

Not sure if these signs means there is something going on with her feelings towards me. But, if it does mean that, is it a wise idea?

 

Not being sure is normal. That'll end just about the day you die. Wise idea? That depends. At your age, with hopefully a lifetime of friends to be made and lovers to love, I wouldn't worry about it. If you feel like dating her, ask her on a date.

As I stated, we are essentially brother and sister to one another. We know each other almost too well. Is it wise to seek out a relationship with such a close friend?

 

Back in the day, it was relatively normal, and families often 'fixed up' known 'friends' of the families and future generations of those blended families resulted. Times, of course, have largely changed.

I have great feelings for her in that way, so that is not the problem. My concern is whether or not it would change the way we are with one another in a negative manner.

 

The moment you ask her on a date, your relationship will change forever. That doesn't mean it has to go one way or another, but it will change. If you're comfortable with that unknown, ask her out. If not, bury your attraction and go on being her brother. Nothing wrong with that. There are billions of other young ladies to meet and love.

 

Good luck.

[Cali408]

@Critically - I know I am a lucky guy.

 

She has had zero experience in dating. Although she has had at least 7 or 8 different guys that have attempted to date her (including my earlier attempt), she has turned them all down. I myself have had two long term relationships (2 years and 4 years) but we don't talk about those.

 

I get what you are saying about the "what if" scenario. It is something that I dwell on even though I think (or try to convince myself) that I would be fine so long as I still had her as a friend.

 

I have very little knowledge of good friends dating. No one I know has done so, so it is good for me to hear (read) that it seems to be a good thing. At least from where you are standing.

 

I don't know if it is a wise idea to try and randomly kiss her. She does not strike me as the type to enjoy that kind of spontaneous flair.

 

She was that close friend that I only hear from over the internet a few times a year. That alone was painful.

 

Women love men with confidence and class. Making the first move shows that. Good luck.

 

@Cali408 - I have never made the first move with women. Both times I was in a relationship, I was acted upon by the person I was interested in. Will be interesting to shake up the style a bit.

 

 

 

@unicorn farts - I am not the kind of person to get upset if feelings are not reciprocated. But if I do make a move, which from all the feedback I have received seems like the thing to do right now, I would definitely be direct about it.

 

My only concern is that this will be the second time I have asked her out. I know the first time was a long time ago, but if she does not have feelings for me, will the second time make her angry? She has a very long memory.

 

I am glad to hear you married your friend and you are happy together.

 

 

 

@jimloveslips - Is it that obvious she is into me just from these things? Forgive me for being ignorant. I am terrible at reading these sorts of things.

 

She knows well and truly that I am not gay. Unless Tom Hiddleston was on the table. Now THAT'S a different story.

 

Women love men with confidence and class. Asking her out shows both. Best of luck. What have you got to lose? Nothing