Suspicious of friends intentions

[Veritiful]

Hi guys, first post. I can probably handle the problem myself but I'm just looking for some verification of my doubts - should I be worried?

 

Anyway, my girlfriend of about 6 months and her guy friend. I've already had to deal with (passively, didn't take action) one guy messaging her about whether she'd like to date him once she breaks up with me, with the assumption on breaking up as we're not even close to that and are generally perfectly happy.

 

Another guy went crazy that she got a boyfriend because he'd always liked her but nothing happened.

 

These guys are fine, I don't mind because it's not got anything to do with me. Neither of them have ever met me.

 

There's this other guy, who also hasn't met me, that sends my girlfriend cute pictures via that dastardly site Facebook. Bunnies and stuff. In my head he's saying "here's a cute picture so maybe you'll think I'm cute too." He sends goodnight messages and tells her to "be nice" to me. Assuming, you'll notice, that she's not. Almost like he's inviting me in to HIS+HER club. I hate that. One time she was staying at some uni friends houses and was sick so they slept in the same bed (I know what you're thinking, but it was head to tail.) I was concerned with this and said if he was being such a good friend, her excuse every time, then he'd have given her the bed and slept on the floor himself. Right?

 

Anyway this guys annoying the hell out of me. I'm 100% that he's no competition but his attempts are so lame that it actually offends me. More than that I'm a bit annoyed that my girlfriend dismisses my feelings. She does a good thing in telling me I'm the only one etc. etc. if I hint at my annoyance a little, but doesn't address my worries.

 

Any advice on how to handle it? I know it's probably a jealousy problem and I know the root of it (not being cheated on but parents and their past, I guess.) I just wonder how much is a concern and how much is me making up in my head that he's playing some game?

[Maxtor]

This happened to me once, i punched the guy. Was it right or wrong? Don't know, but it felt so good. He is testing the water, he see's that you dont do anything, so he'll continue. Got to be the alpha male.

[Veritiful]

This happened to me once, i punched the guy. Was it right or wrong? Don't know, but it felt so good. He is testing the water, he see's that you dont do anything, so he'll continue. Got to be the alpha male.

 

Not sure about the "being the alpha male" thing. I don't think that's quite right however the "testing the water" was a good point. I had thought of it like that but you put it in to good, easy to understand words so thanks.

 

I know the best thing to do is nothing but I'm generally a man of action. I don't want some guy to be able to test the water. Or at least I don't want him to get a positive test result.

[Maxtor]

Trust me, your instinct tells you to play it cool, but deep down inside you know that acting cool will take you nowhere. They are trying to get her, we can argue that if she loves you, she'll stay with you, but unfortunately that's a terrible idea that we get from the movies. You need to think what you want. Can you live with them trying to get her attention all the time? Forever?

[Veritiful]

Trust me, your instinct tells you to play it cool, but deep down inside you know that acting cool will take you nowhere. They are trying to get her, we can argue that if she loves you, she'll stay with you, but unfortunately that's a terrible idea that we get from the movies. You need to think what you want. Can you live with them trying to get her attention all the time? Forever?

 

You sound like the devil on my shoulder! (But no, I can't take it forever.) You should write lines for bad guys in films!

[Maxtor]

You sound like the devil on my shoulder! (But no, I can't take it forever.) You should write lines for bad guys in films!

 

I am the devil on your shoulder, and I'm telling you, it's not healthy for her to keep those kind of friends around, neither for her or for you. She needs true friendship, and you need to set up boundaries, if they don't respect, then they will get it. You got to respect yourself. In the past, i would get angry to my girl if some guys were trying to get her attention, because I was too scared of the confrontarion, with them. Now, i never get angry at the girl, i always go for them, it doesnt happen to often, but it happens. It's not about her, it's about yourself, and the respect you need and deserve. Of course, you should never disrespect others, but the truth is, they got to respect you, and they need to fear you. Run away from this, and this will haunt you for life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi guys, first post. I can probably handle the problem myself but I'm just looking for some verification of my doubts - should I be worried?

 

Anyway, my girlfriend of about 6 months and her guy friend. I've already had to deal with (passively, didn't take action) one guy messaging her about whether she'd like to date him once she breaks up with me, with the assumption on breaking up as we're not even close to that and are generally perfectly happy.

 

Another guy went crazy that she got a boyfriend because he'd always liked her but nothing happened.

 

These guys are fine, I don't mind because it's not got anything to do with me. Neither of them have ever met me.

 

There's this other guy, who also hasn't met me, that sends my girlfriend cute pictures via that dastardly site Facebook. Bunnies and stuff. In my head he's saying "here's a cute picture so maybe you'll think I'm cute too." He sends goodnight messages and tells her to "be nice" to me. Assuming, you'll notice, that she's not. Almost like he's inviting me in to HIS+HER club. I hate that. One time she was staying at some uni friends houses and was sick so they slept in the same bed (I know what you're thinking, but it was head to tail.) I was concerned with this and said if he was being such a good friend, her excuse every time, then he'd have given her the bed and slept on the floor himself. Right?

 

Anyway this guys annoying the hell out of me. I'm 100% that he's no competition but his attempts are so lame that it actually offends me. More than that I'm a bit annoyed that my girlfriend dismisses my feelings. She does a good thing in telling me I'm the only one etc. etc. if I hint at my annoyance a little, but doesn't address my worries.

 

Any advice on how to handle it? I know it's probably a jealousy problem and I know the root of it (not being cheated on but parents and their past, I guess.) I just wonder how much is a concern and how much is me making up in my head that he's playing some game?

 

Wait a second, what? Did this happen while you were together?

[Veritiful]

Wait a second, what? Did this happen while you were together?

 

Yeah, but it's University (both me and the gf have left now but they haven't.) He tries to use it as an honourable thing to do but I truly believe he could have slept on the floor. I don't mind her sleeping in a bed if she's ill, which she was.

 

I don't know what course of action is right for me to ask her to take.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think this relationship is going to last long. She clearly has no respect for you or the relationship because she is allowing these guys to get away with these things. Don't go after the guys, they are just doing what single guys do. Your GF should be rejecting them, and if they won't accept rejection, removing them from her life.

 

If she is not doing that then there is a reason. Maybe she is keeping them on the back burner for when your relationship fails. Maybe she just likes attention. Maybe she will jump into bed (again??) as soon as you guys hit a rough patch. Maybe she just has low self-esteem.

 

But whatever the reason, it's not a good sign, and it's not acceptable behaviour for someone in a committed relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, but it's University (both me and the gf have left now but they haven't.) He tries to use it as an honourable thing to do but I truly believe he could have slept on the floor. I don't mind her sleeping in a bed if she's ill, which she was.

 

I don't know what course of action is right for me to ask her to take.

 

What does university have to do with it? I was in university once too; I never shared a bed with a guy that wasn't my boyfriend.

 

Anyway, there is a problem with boundaries here. She doesn't seem to mind letting these guys cross them, which should be a red flag. The "head-to-tail" bed-sharing is really just an example of a bigger issue.

[Zahara]

One time she was staying at some uni friends houses and was sick so they slept in the same bed (I know what you're thinking, but it was head to tail.)

 

Head to tail!

[Veritiful]

Head to tail!

 

Yeah I know it seems hard to believe, but I really think it's true, actually. I'm not one of those naive guys that believes any old crap that you see on here sometimes. Hence the post being pre-emptive, not just deciding what to do based on something she's done.

 

Problem is that I don't know what I can ask of her without going too far and saying don't be friends with people because that's a recipe for disaster.

 

The fact it's university is just a point about the disgusting house, lack of heating etc. I don't think it's any excuse but it was probably something she thought would work as one. It was like a month ago now so probably too late to even bring up.

 

I am her first proper boyfriend so I don't know how much to allow for ... adjustment period? Idk.

 

I respect her and just don't want to go too far. I know I'm miles better than the guys in question but I don't want to be played a fool so would like to take intelligent, pre-emptive action.

[Veritiful]

Even though these guys in question are punks, they are not the true problem.

 

The true problem is the gf's that are allowing them to disrespect their boyfriends because they want the attention and want to keep them as possibilities. Girls like that need to be dumped without apology.

 

Well I talked to her and she's adamant she's doing enough, even angry that I'd suggest otherwise.

 

It really isn't a dumping offence at all until something more concrete happens. I'm kind of struggling to express myself properly and the conversation is petering out. I'll see if something else happens and leave it until then.

[Veritiful]

Like she'd be absolutely fine if another girl was giving you sweet nothings over facebook.

 

She knows what the guy is doing. She knows he is sweet on her.

 

 

 

When someone allows someone else to flirt with them and favors not putting the brakes on it over your feelings on the matter, then they are at least in the smallest way hoping something concrete does come out of it.

 

The guy likes her and she likes that he likes her. Therefore she won't do anything about it. Good luck with that.

 

Well her friends send similar things to each other and apparently he's just joining in. I made a point that even if it's not purely directed at her it's still an annoying thing to do. A guy that joins in on that kind of girly thing is a bit disgusting to me, regardless. Not sexist or anything, but you know, you don't need to jump in on anything!

 

I hope that's not the case (that he likes her etc.) but I need him to do something a bit more adventurous than his dipping the toes in the water first. He's definitely cried about his ex to her etc. which is a sign against that, but I don't know. I'm not sure it's as concretely bad as the replies have been, and I'm not going to take the advice as gospel, but some good points have been made and helped me to express my distaste of the situation. I think she's worried about losing a friend if she takes action and it's hard to argue against that. I'm taking a firm stance and maybe she'll have to choose, but it's a terrible thing to do and I don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm not entirely sure she's done anything that wrong. Sure I'd act differently to her but I can't paint her with the same brush as cheaters etc that others seem to be doing, you know?

[Darren Steez]

Not sure about the "being the alpha male" thing. I don't think that's quite right however the "testing the water" was a good point. I had thought of it like that but you put it in to good, easy to understand words so thanks.

 

I know the best thing to do is nothing but I'm generally a man of action. I don't want some guy to be able to test the water. Or at least I don't want him to get a positive test result.

 

How about disrespect. He knows she's taken and yet persists to try and worm his way into her affections. You call it "lame" but he's building trust and while it may put him in the friends zone for now, the first argument you have, guess whom she'll be running off to.

[tlegend]

How about disrespect. He knows she's taken and yet persists to try and worm his way into her affections. You call it "lame" but he's building trust and while it may put him in the friends zone for now, the first argument you have, guess whom she'll be running off to.

 

This tactic works. I've used this tactic many of times, and to this day, if I am not in a relationship, I will continue to use this tactic because of it's success.

[Veritiful]

She talked to the guy and got him to back off. He said "that he'd back off, but to not take the connotation that there was something to back up from as he was keen to avoid introducing the 'friendship or relationship' question, which would infer there being a question to answer. He also said that without doing so would be to further heighten tensions"

 

Good ending.

[giblesp]

She should NOT be sleeping in the same bed with him. That's very inconsiderate of your feelings, and the fact that this man has now got a permanent hard on for her.

 

A man who is disrespectful to you and your relationship. He needs to go.

She needs to be more aware of boundaries.

[Veritiful]

She should NOT be sleeping in the same bed with him. That's very inconsiderate of your feelings, and the fact that this man has now got a permanent hard on for her.

 

A man who is disrespectful to you and your relationship. He needs to go.

She needs to be more aware of boundaries.

 

She won't be convinced that he's interested. He said when she talked to him that he actually was interesting in one of her friends, which I'm not sure whether to truly believe to be honest with you, but still. Good news and possibly sorted. She's apologised for the bed thing but said it was either there or in the same room as a creepy guy or in front of the bathroom. Now I'm listening to her bemoan having potentially lost the guy as a friend not being able to call bull**** on his bull****. (Swearing allowed here?)

[James-London]

I'm going to say something that you probably do not want to hear: there is a good chance that the bed sharing was not "head to tail" and that they fooled around, and maybe even had sex.

 

The most important thing I learnt is that when someone cheats on you, THEY WILL LIE ABOUT IT. In fact, they will say and do everything and anything to cover it up.

 

You are also being very naïve to think this guy is just "lame". Maybe you are right but maybe he is also being very clever. He could be playing the long game with your GF so he is first in the line if/when you break up.

 

In general, guys need a little bit of encouragement to flirt with a girl. How come she is getting all this attention if she is not seeking it out in some way? The most important thing is whether the girl reciprocates the flirting. If that's the case with you, you need realise she is just not loyal to you.

[PegNosePete]

She won't be convinced that he's interested.

Bull****. She knows exactly what is going on. she knows he wants her, and she likes the attention. Of course she isn't going to admit that to you, she is not stupid. So she's getting angry at you for even suggesting it, to draw attention away from HER and onto YOU. It's called blame shifting.

[crederer]

uh.....why would another guy ask her when she's breaking up with you unless she gave him that impression? Seriously, your girl sounds like a cancer.

[Space Ritual]

Seriously dude, you are being played.

 

So let me guess all his responses have been through her? I think you said you have not met him.

 

If that is the case she could be telling you anything and gaslighting you.

 

All the other posters who have said she likes the attention and she knows this guy likes her are spot on. He is the flavor of the month and how dare you ruin her fun?

 

You need to dump her and move on as soon as possible...the natural progression of this is that you are about to find out that sleeping arrangement was more than Head to Toe....Head to Toe sleeping happens in Romantic comedies...lol. Not in situations like this...

[todreaminblue]

I can't imagine, as a guy, saying something like this to another girl/woman unless I was fishing. I get this picture of some guy on the other end with his pinky to the corner of his mouth like Dr. Evil just waiting for the response to that comment.

 

 

grossed out...lol.....ta for that

 

 

i dont think its normal either for a guy who isnt going out with someone to send them cute pics.....

 

i would be a little creeped out dont find it cute...aggression isnt alpha either....being firm with a wide foot stance is....alphas dont need to resort to agression against the gf or the guy......if there was any such thing as an alpha male that is a no in my opinion.......a strong confident male partner (is a better description than the questionable ambiguity of alpha).....that partner would bide his time and when something was really off simply say hey ....she is taken back off......calmly with no hesitation....and be confident his gf will not want negative attention anyway..i dont think anything concrete is going on to warrant a response yet......just creepy crap......deb

[Veritiful]

grossed out...lol.....ta for that

 

 

i dont think its normal either for a guy who isnt going out with someone to send them cute pics.....

 

i would be a little creeped out dont find it cute...aggression isnt alpha either....being firm with a wide foot stance is....alphas dont need to resort to agression against the gf or the guy......if there was any such thing as an alpha male that is a no in my opinion.......a strong confident male partner (is a better description than the questionable ambiguity of alpha).....that partner would bide his time and when something was really off simply say hey ....she is taken back off......calmly with no hesitation....and be confident his gf will not want negative attention anyway..i dont think anything concrete is going on to warrant a response yet......just creepy crap......deb

 

Finally a good response! I took the sleeping in the same bed despite lack of space in the house a something firm. I wasn't happy with her lack of considering that he liked her and we argued, but then she told him to back off against my wishes, really, so all is good so far.