Sex in a relationship

[B]

My girlfriend has been holding out on me for about 4 months now, my friends say to dump her, but I really love her. I know sex isn't all I want from her, but we were both virgins and decided to start having sex about 3 months into our relationship. Everything seemed fine up until September.

 

We've been going out for a year and a half, and we both started back to college this fall. We see each other about twice a week. I don't expect her to want to have sex all the time, but it seems she doesn't want it at all anymore.

 

We had a fight, and she says we're in a rebuilding stage and that is why we aren't being intimate. This rebuilding stage has been going on for four months now, I just want to know how much time is enough in matters like these. Like I say, I really do love her, but I feel like my life is on hold for her. What should I do?

[Tony T]

You didn't give enough details to answer this properly. However, the big hint was that you had a fight and now she's withholding sex...that's what I got from your post.

 

If that's the drift, it's not good at all. She has what is known as a passive agressive personality. She may have learned it from her mom...who may have held out on her dad when he pissed her off. Anyway, basically the way it works is that when her guy pisses her off, the way she get's back at him is to withhold sex. Now, normally it's just a week or two...maybe a month. To hold back four months is a sign of a real serious problem.

 

If I've got this right and she is passive agressive, you have got a serious problem on your hands. This is not somebody you want to have a relationship with because this kind of behavior can spread to other areas of your lives together as well...and she can control you big time.

 

I hope I'm wrong, way wrong...but from what you've written, I'm probably very close.

 

Now, if I am wrong and she's holding out because she hasn't forgotten the argument or hasn't been able to forgive you, you have just as bad of a problem. If this girl takes months and months to get over stuff, she's in serious need of psychotherapy.

 

I would give her one or two more months. Don't even bring up the topic of sex. Let her think you're getting it somewhere else...you can't control her thoughts, obviously. Enjoy her company and just go out and have a great time. If things don't change in the sex department...and don't talk about it or put pressure on her...by the end of that time, then take a walk. But before you do, tell her to get some help.

[MegaB]

Uh...or she just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore.

 

She could just not be telling you because it might hurt your feelings. When a woman withholds sex, it usually means that she is falling out of love...or just losing interest in the man. It's not a good sign, but the way you described that "you love her but you feel that your life is on hold" seems bad too. Sex should NOT be your LIFE. If she sees this part of you, she probably doesn't want to have sex with you because it might seem to her that all you care about is sex...not HER. Talk to her...I mean not in a "why aren't you having sex with me?" way, but rather more in a "are we having problems here?", or "what's been bothering you? Please tell me..." kind of way. The problem is even when women give great detailed advice to men on how to talk to women, they just go and talk in their own language and ruin everything. So hopefully you don't approach her by asking why she isn't having sex with you. OK? Anyway, good luck!

[Tony T]

I think MegaB has made some good points here. This may very well be the case entirely.

 

It if is, it's tragic that your lady can't be honest and forthcoming with you...instead of giving you the BS line about needing time to build back the relationship.

 

Frankly, until you get into her head and have this talk with her...and until she is very honest...you really won't know for sure what the truth is.