Ex wants to meet up.

[Romaks]

Guys, relax. Time will reveal the truth soon enough.

[stormer1092]

You just contradicted yourself. I think you are just going to keep spinning until we agree with you. So I agree, go for it dude.

 

I'm sorry. You are right tho I am spinning right now. Lack of sleep and a long day at work and I can't think strait right now.

[JoelBarish]

But anyway did I not just get done saying she doesn't know what she wants?

 

You did say THIS. Are you say she doesn't know what she wants but still has feelings?

[stormer1092]

See that was my question. If you were totally being hardcore about you'd say the ex should make 100% of the effort but that seems unreasonable and that the dumpee should have some part in it and that's why I said 90 to leave some room. What percentage do you think the dumpee should make, Stormer?

 

I guess its just my personality. I hate just sitting back and watching. If I see something broken I always have to fix it. But I think you do need to better yourself while you are in to contact and I guess you can say that is a percentage. I know my life has grown since the BU.

[stormer1092]

You did say THIS. Are you say she doesn't know what she wants but still has feelings?

 

That's exactly what I'm saying. She says she loves me and cares about me but yet she says she doesn't know what she wants.

[Simon Phoenix]

Since when was I being manipulative? I barely said anything to her??

 

I didn't say you were. I said that "standing up" for what you want can be looked upon as a form of manipulation by the person you are trying to "win" back. It suggests a lack of respect for their feelings. Love should not be treated the same way as a sales call. Maybe you do need sleep, because I was talking about the idea of "standing up for what you want".

[stormer1092]

Guys, relax. Time will reveal the truth soon enough.

 

Exactly what I'm going by. Thanks romaks.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess its just my personality. I hate just sitting back and watching. If I see something broken I always have to fix it. But I think you do need to better yourself while you are in to contact and I guess you can say that is a percentage. I know my life has grown since the BU.

 

That's not the way it works. You shouldn't approach rebuilding a relationship like you are rebuilding a carburetor. Feelings are not a logical thing and there's not a "how to" kit to fix them when they are broken. It's counter-intuitive, but really in this case, the more you do, the more you can screw up. She broke it, it's up to her to have the motivation to fix it. All you can do is work on yourself and let the rest settle.

[stormer1092]

I didn't say you were. I said that "standing up" for what you want can be looked upon as a form of manipulation by the person you are trying to "win" back. It suggests a lack of respect for their feelings. Love should not be treated the same way as a sales call. Maybe you do need sleep, because I was talking about the idea of "standing up for what you want".

 

I guess it really depends on how you do it also. I'm not being demanding at all or pouring my heart out. But I do need sleep.

[stormer1092]

That's not the way it works. You shouldn't approach rebuilding a relationship like you are rebuilding a carburetor. Feelings are not a logical thing and there's not a "how to" kit to fix them when they are broken. It's counter-intuitive, but really in this case, the more you do, the more you can screw up. She broke it, it's up to her to have the motivation to fix it. All you can do is work on yourself and let the rest settle.

 

But I'm not really doing anything. I'm not saying Oh we should get back together.. or suggesting it. In all honesty I am waiting for her to take a step. But even when and if I see it I'm not going to just jump back on the wagon.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess it really depends on how you do it also. I'm not being demanding at all or pouring my heart out. But I do need sleep.

 

No, it doesn't depend how you do it. There isn't a magic way to do it. It depends wholly on what the other person wants. You sure do like to argue.

[DovLuvApostle]

Hey man hope your getting helpful input on here! In my opinion if she's sad, unsure, with another guy , let her be... First if she has mixed emotions she may going back to you for reasons unclear to herself, a lot of people (myself included) have gone back to an ex for a number of reasons. Most*** reasons include loneliness, comfort issues, low self esteem, and flat out confusion. If you go back to a girl with any of the following issues in her head she's only going to break your heart. Second, If she's with another guy right now then look at what she's doing to the poor dude because she's "confused" (she's using the poor guy as a crutch, not cool). You need to let her step back and find herself....more importantly find yourself. Your heart and feelings are just as important as hers, and you don't wont to get your heart stepped on because you were putting it out on the line just to make her feel better. From what it sounds like your young and from a guy with experience ive banged my head against the wall dealing with so many exes, flings, and crushes while good......GREAT lovely ladies passed me by. Hang in there!

All the Best J.

 

The tide is heading out my friend, will you stay here in the bay and fish, or will you head to deeper waters in the ocean while you still have the chance?

[JoelBarish]

Well about the whole percentage thing...let's say a guy goes up to a strange woman and gets her number, THAT would be the guy making 100% of the effort. When someone wants to be with someone bad enough they will make all the effort and risk rejection. I think it's fair to say that the dumper should put them self out there the same way since they terminated the relationship.

[stormer1092]

Well about the whole percentage thing...let's say a guy goes up to a strange woman and gets her number, THAT would be the guy making 100% of the effort. When someone wants to be with someone bad enough they will make all the effort and risk rejection. I think it's fair to say that the dumper should put them self out there the same way since they terminated the relationship.

 

Yea I can see what you mean. Thanks for talking. I'm going to watch some motortrend and go to bed. I'll keep everyone updated.

[Simon Phoenix]

But I'm not really doing anything. I'm not saying Oh we should get back together.. or suggesting it. In all honesty I am waiting for her to take a step. But even when and if I see it I'm not going to just jump back on the wagon.

 

Your reading comprehension sucks. I'm talking about the ideas you have, not saying that you are actually carrying them out right now.

[JoelBarish]

Yea I can see what you mean. Thanks for talking. I'm going to watch some motortrend and go to bed. I'll keep everyone updated.

 

That's cool man. I learn from discussion .

[Mariposa10]

Don't know if you saw my thread about it but that EXACT thing happened to me last Friday night. My ex and her new "whatever" walked in on my family and I while we were out having dinner. I didn't die. But it sure as hell hurt...

 

And as I said in another thread, I don't think my ex would come back. But I feel posting on here and thinking about reconciliation helps me clear out the "mental garbage" that is floating around in my head.

 

I did see it... Did you know she was dating someone already?

[Mariposa10]

OP, I know what you mean by doing your best and getting rid of all the "what ifs" but remember she's in a relationship. You're giving her this super ego boost. But even if we tell you not to talk to her anymore, you'll do it until you're ready. When I first posted here, people kept telling me about NC, and I always kept telling myself, they don't know what they are talking about. My situation is different, we are best friends, we do love each other, blah, blah. But there are patterns. I haven't made up my mind about going NC instantly... but I do know there is a point when one must do it.

 

The only good thing about your case is that at least you're not suffering, and I was having a really hard time. So in my case it did help...

[JoelBarish]

I did see it... Did you know she was dating someone already?

 

No I didn't know but I assumed she was. I guess if I can survive THAT then I can survive anything.

[stormer1092]

OP, I know what you mean by doing your best and getting rid of all the "what ifs" but remember she's in a relationship. You're giving her this super ego boost. But even if we tell you not to talk to her anymore, you'll do it until you're ready. When I first posted here, people kept telling me about NC, and I always kept telling myself, they don't know what they are talking about. My situation is different, we are best friends, we do love each other, blah, blah. But there are patterns. I haven't made up my mind about going NC instantly... but I do know there is a point when one must do it.

 

The only good thing about your case is that at least you're not suffering, and I was having a really hard time. So in my case it did help...

 

I was in strict NC for 2 months. She thought I hated her. She reached out to me multiple times and I did not respond. Then one day when I was ready I replied and she just lit up my phone with flooding emotions. I'm sure someone else has the same situation.

[thora-tiki]

When ever the ex calls, text, e-mails etc:

Just ignore it, and look at it like an emotional brain fart from your ex.

 

I know you think you are in control.

 

But my advice is to keep no contact.

 

I think the reason not that many forum members are going:

«God, I am so envious of you, your ex wants to meet with you after x number of

days/weeks/months after the break up» is:

 

The reason why it is so important you don't have any contact with the ex now is because she will think:

all of her weird behaviour* had made you come back.

*texting, calling, talking, saying one thing, then something different the next time you talk,

still seeing that other guy.

 

If anything like this ever happens again (you get back together, and break up again*)

she will try the same cr*p again, knowing it worked last time.

 

She can't emotionally blackmail you to talk to her.

She broke up with you and she wont give you the space you need.

How selfish of her.

 

* And you will probably break up again, this time because you'll be on different planets:

you'll be (maybe) ready for a new relationship,

but she is still in the old failed relationship here is my proof:

«I was in strict NC for 2 months. She thought I hated her. She reached out to me multiple times and I did not respond.

Then one day when I was ready I replied and she just lit up my phone with flooding emotions.

I'm sure someone else has the same situation.»

 

She is still hung up in her ex, you.

And this will actually be a hinder in your new relationship.

 

Two months is maybe enough for you to move on from the old failed relationship,

but she is not ready.

 

If you keep no contact for a few more months till she has matured, has relaxed,

not so emotional, and hung up in her ex (you) and maybe even knows what she wants,

then you can go out for coffee and she will understand that the space brought you back together

- not her stupid attempts,

(texting, calling, talking, saying one thing, then something different the next time you talk,

still seeing that other guy).

 

Sure you can get back together now, but how long would it last?

 

The longer you leave it, keep no contact, the closer it will bring you together,

you might even decide you are better off without her.

 

No contact is win win.

[stormer1092]

When ever the ex calls, text, e-mails etc:

Just ignore it, and look at it like an emotional brain fart from your ex.

 

I know you think you are in control.

 

But my advice is to keep no contact.

 

I think the reason not that many forum members are going:

«God, I am so envious of you, your ex wants to meet with you after x number of

days/weeks/months after the break up» is:

 

The reason why it is so important you don't have any contact with the ex now is because she will think:

all of her weird behaviour* had made you come back.

*texting, calling, talking, saying one thing, then something different the next time you talk,

still seeing that other guy.

 

If anything like this ever happens again (you get back together, and break up again*)

she will try the same cr*p again, knowing it worked last time.

 

She can't emotionally blackmail you to talk to her.

She broke up with you and she wont give you the space you need.

How selfish of her.

 

* And you will probably break up again, this time because you'll be on different planets:

you'll be (maybe) ready for a new relationship,

but she is still in the old failed relationship here is my proof:

«I was in strict NC for 2 months. She thought I hated her. She reached out to me multiple times and I did not respond.

Then one day when I was ready I replied and she just lit up my phone with flooding emotions.

I'm sure someone else has the same situation.»

 

She is still hung up in her ex, you.

And this will actually be a hinder in your new relationship.

 

Two months is maybe enough for you to move on from the old failed relationship,

but she is not ready.

 

If you keep no contact for a few more months till she has matured, has relaxed,

not so emotional, and hung up in her ex (you) and maybe even knows what she wants,

then you can go out for coffee and she will understand that the space brought you back together

- not her stupid attempts,

(texting, calling, talking, saying one thing, then something different the next time you talk,

still seeing that other guy).

 

Sure you can get back together now, but how long would it last?

 

The longer you leave it, keep no contact, the closer it will bring you together,

you might even decide you are better off without her.

 

No contact is win win.

 

I just told her last night: "I can't keep talking to you unless you prove to me that you really do love me. Goodnight" Then she replied "we will talk another time, goodnight" That was me accepting Its up to her now. She needs to make the effort.

[stormer1092]

Update:

 

After I stopped talking on here last night she texted me yet again asking what my motives for life are so I told her. We carried out a conversation for a while and somehow she felt like I was just out to hurt her? She pretty much told me that she doesn't hear from me in months and then all of a sudden I text her back? I'm just like are you kidding me? I'm not playing the guilt card. I told her strait up it was bull **** and kinda got angry at her. Like who the **** is she to sit there and say I'm trying to hurt her?

 

But its amazing how fast she went from saying I'm trying to hurt her to being ok again? We didn't stop talking because we were angry tho. Showing her that I was mad about it really made her realize I was serious. At the end of the conversation tho I said that she needs to prove herself if she wants to keep talking to me. She replied "we will talk another time" which is her way of saying I'm not dealing with it right now.

 

I'm almost thinking of giving out an ultimatum. Something along the lines of, If you are truly in love with me and care about me then prove it. Prove to me you actually want me in your life or never talk to me again.

[Philosoraptor]

Look man, as much as you are hoping for something positive here you're not going to find it. She's nuts with her texts first of all. Goes from the "I hate you" stuff less than a month ago, to this. She's just trying to get a reaction out of you and playing games. She wants emotional validation, and you're giving her it.

 

Worst part is she is using you for both emotional validation, and to validate the guy she's banging. Either way you can't win by messaging her. You're either enough emotional support that she can use you for that and him for everything else, or you're "mean" and it makes her feel like this new guy is so much better than you.

 

All this "prove it" stuff is just letting her know she can still have you if she wants you. If she wanted you, she would dump this other guy and fix her issues.

[stormer1092]

Look man, as much as you are hoping for something positive here you're not going to find it. She's nuts with her texts first of all. Goes from the "I hate you" stuff less than a month ago, to this. She's just trying to get a reaction out of you and playing games. She wants emotional validation, and you're giving her it.

 

Worst part is she is using you for both emotional validation, and to validate the guy she's banging. Either way you can't win by messaging her. You're either enough emotional support that she can use you for that and him for everything else, or you're "mean" and it makes her feel like this new guy is so much better than you.

 

All this "prove it" stuff is just letting her know she can still have you if she wants you. If she wanted you, she would dump this other guy and fix her issues.

 

So what do I do? Give her an ultimatum? Say if you want me then break up with this guy and find yourself?