Confusion_Reigns Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Seriously contemplating divorce from an abusive husband. I don't know what to expect. I'm sure no one can truly answer this for me but I'm curious about the things that you may not have expected to come with divorce. I'm not so much worried about money or a home or financial support. I do worry about co-parenting, mostly. See...I don't even know what to ask here...it's all a mystery to me at this moment...I feel blind. When I say abusive I mean in the past he's hit me, but hasn't for a very-very long time. In the past he's been verbally mean to me, but not so much anymore. In the present he's...well, if you want to know you can read my back story...I can see potentials of possibilities... 1. He leaves, is mad, and starts a new relationship to 'get back at me' but really it's because he can't be alone...and I think he'd think that I'd go nuts and want him back... 2. He leaves, is mad, and starts harassing me...won't leave me alone...and is a general worry of mine forever...or for a long time anyway....and tries everything to 'win' me back. 3. He leaves and is ok. I realize that this is focused on him and what he'll do, etc. I am trying to deal with codependency, too, and this is just natural for me to think about others first...however, in this situations how he behaves will directly affect me and how I behave. I wonder what will happen with my son? He's 16 yrs old and in HS yet. I wonder what will happen with my daughter? She's 19 yrs old and in college now. Both are happy and doing good in school/social areas of their lives. Any and all thoughts are welcome...and thanks so much.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 You leave, divorce is a traumatic experience, but you survive and are happier not having to cohabitate with a nut job. There are no ifs ands or buts here. If you are abused, you leave no questions asked. Go see a divorce lawyer. They offer free consultations, so youll know what you are getting out of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 divorcing isn't really the question here...what to expect when the trigger's pulled...and in the short term thereafter...is what I'd like some thoughts on. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 You can get a lot of insight into what you are looking for by reading other posts on this sight. You have an idea of what his possible reactions are going to be. I would add that they will probably be worse than you think they will. What I would spend more time on is how you are going to react. It is by far more difficult than most people realize until they are in the situation. But again by reading posts on here, you learn ways to handle the fear, loneliness, and heartache. Bottom line is no one can predict the reaction of either party in a divorce - it is an unknown until you are in the middle of it. You just have to decide you are worth having a good life and happiness and make the decision that is right for you. Keep reading and posting and the good people here will help you get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Go to CODA (Codependents Anon), look up a meeting in your area and go.. start talking. My best friend went through exactly this years ago... First make sure this is the thing you want to do for yourself..when you make the decision, make a plan of how (money, budget etc).. If you plan on staying in the house, there is no guarantee that he will leave if you want to divorce him. If and when you tell him you want a divorce...or time apart...have the phone handy. If his voice starts to raise, you know what will come next. Call 911 and ask for a Keep the Peace officer. Explain you are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, you just explained to him that you want a divorce/ time apart and he is being emotionally abusive (most likely he will be if he starts yelling/ranting/raving)... usually what happens with an abuser is that it escalates and law enforcement knows this. Explain that you fear for your safety and you have no where to go, this is your residence. For your safety, he will be forced to leave. If this happens just make sure you have money and a budget because most likely he will want to take the whole bank acct. From going to meetings for my best friend to support her yrs ago, I learned alot legally regarding this. GL to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 confusion reigns, It's that Not knowing that gets us, isn't it?! Have you spoken to a D attorney yet? That person can walk you through the steps of separation & Divorce. As for your H, you know well as I that you cannot control others. However... the police can, and so can a jail cell* If you feel threatened beyond him just being p*ssed, 911 sister. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JaelBlue Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I am in a very similar situation, only a bit further down the path. My husband is very verbally abusive and occasionally physically. My boys are 18 & 19. I recently told him I wanted to separate. His rage was so much worse than I thought it would be. My advice about when you tell him is to make sure the children are gone for a long time and you have a safe escape plan. Also, I strongly suggest you see a good counselor. You need to be in a place emotionally where his actions don't affect you. I know it seems impossible now but you can get there. I promise. Best wishes. Jael 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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