More detailed info. than prev. post on my 4 1/2 yr. old son

[Patiently waiting]

I am at my wits end and need some advice! Ever since my H and I split my son has been quite difficult to control. I know one of the reasons is probably because of the split, but what I need to know is how to keep him from getting too out of hand before he is too big for me to handle. ( I never say anything bad about his father, in fact I only talk about him in a positive light, always tell him how much we love him but that daddy just lives at a different house now, although my son has told me that daddy says I (mommy) is mean). (For ref: I was the one who left my ex and sadly, he may be using the children to get back at me even though HE was the one who actually filed for the divorce) He constantly antagonizes his 3 yr. old sister, sits on her, tells her to cry over and over again, grabs food off of her plate, and toys from her hands and just generally is mean to her. I know some sibling rivalry is normal, but he is getting worse. And today his teacher told me he had trouble keeping his hands off his schoolmates (as in hurting them).

 

I also have trouble with him listening to me. I am late for work every day because of his morning antics. He screams and cries, won't brush his teeth, won't get out of bed, won't get dressed etc. At the store, he climbs the displays, hides from me, takes off. I tell him he needs to listen to mommy but he totally disregards anything I say. I have punished him by not allowing him to do things he wants to but he just throws a fit and screams at me.

 

I have nearly been evicted because he will not stop jumping or stomping on the floor (we are in a 2nd story apt.). He also gets up in the middle of the night and gets into things around the apt. He'll go into the fridge or get up and watch T.V. while I am asleep. In the past (when I had my house) I had put a lock on his door but he would pound on the door endlessly until he passed out or I physically restrained him. Now he shares with his sister (which doesn't appear to bother him), but I hate to lock them in their room in case they need to use the restroom during the night.

 

Bottom line is I can tell him over and over but he just ignores me completely. Today he said to me "Mommy, I am bad, my brain won't let me be good and I know Santa knows if I have been bad so I won't be getting any presents for Christmas this year" I asked him why he couldn't try to be good (as he seems to know the difference). He said he can't and that I chose the wrong baby at the hospital. What?????? Where did he come up with that???? I told him that if he wants to do something bad to try to think of something good instead. I also told him that Santa would still bring him presents if he tried to be a good boy from now on. He said "no, it's too late"

Do I need to take him to a therapist or can I help him on my own?

I am losing my mind, can anyone help me???

 

 

 

P.S. I am now needing to change my childrens' school due to my moving (other pre-school is too far out of the way from my work now). I feel awful about this because i am afraid that with the divorce and losing their home and having to move that they have been thru enough trauma as it is. Will changing their school make them go off the deep end? How resiliant are they at this age??? How long til they adjust?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can handle it on your end to some extent. It will require tireless reassurance and boundless patience, but in this situation it sounds like you'll need some backup.

 

Children thrive on routine and security in that routine. So many changes have happend in your lives and it sounds like your boy is acting out unresolved anger and frustration at having little or no control over the situation at hand. He is angry at all of you it sounds like. He may not understand his anger and think that its 'bad' to be angry at Mom and Dad, and his inability to process these feelings are causing some short-circuits. Maybe on some level he thinks that it is his fault that things are happening the way they are. Kids are naturally egocentric, and tend to take on a good deal more in a situation than people realize. They act out in ways that even they don't understand because of deep seated fears. Fear of abandonment, fear that they won't or can't be loved - a child will often act out to test your loyalty to him as a reassurance. Either way, it can be seen as a definite cry for help.

 

I would suggest talking to his pediatrician about it and seeing if he/she would recommend a referral to a child psychologist or other therapy. It could be that your boy needs to talk to a completely unrelated objective person who can draw out those fears which are driving him to act out in the way he is. I wouldn't let anyone give you the ADD brushoff, either. It sounds like your boy's problems are directly situational and need resolution instead of drugs.