Enter at your own risk!

[Mr.Nobody]

 

It feels good to find you guys.

 

I have been with her over a year now. Originally, I was going to tell you the details on the way she came in my life and how we are together, background, etc but I will leave that upon request.

 

Honestly I wasn't the best boyfriend for while, Her being around had a hand in helping me out of some darkness I was in. So, whether I wanted her to or not, she became a part of my life. Now I am on my feet again, and learned from my mistakes in my previous relationships as well as this one, but I have already mistreated her and the relationship.

 

A few months ago we weren't on the best terms. I hadn't treated her like my lady, and overall it was probably just difficult to love me. One day, I got off work and she told me how shes on her way to a family friend pool party get together type of thing. Usually she wants me to go everywhere with her, even if she knows I can't or don't want to. This time she didn't seem too crazy about me going, and her mood and tone wasn't right. That night turned worse between us because we began arguing on and off (worst thing to do when your girl is out drinking somewhere). When it began to get dark she said the mom at the house or whatever had taken her keys because she was drinking. She would tell me how she misses me and wants to see me and all that bullshiet, and every time I talked about seeing her she would pretend to be interested like "well if you really want to you can, but im going to be leaving soon". Yet, she was still drinking (on an empty stomach) so she obviously wouldn't get her keys.

Now, I wasn't a saint that night either, after letting tied up emotion get to me I bought some coca, haven't done it for a while and it was the worst decision. The more powerless I felt in the situation with her, the more frequently I would call, and the more I would push her away. So by the end of the night we talked on the phone, and at the moment we seemed ok for now. She told me her phone was dying so she will text me and try to leave soon.

Cut to her day late confession:

She told me she got off the phone with me (phone conveniently died after), this dude that was there whom she had a crush on when she was 12 and he was 17 or 18 or whatever at the time (she is now 21) comes down and apparently sees her "balling" (she wasn't crying when we got off the phone) on the curb and sits next to her. Pulls the steal your girlfriend card, probably brought out the worst of me, talks about them when they were younger and he "tried" to kiss her. The first time she told me the story, she said she pushed him away and slapped him. The story now is that she didn't slap him, and doesn't even remember telling me about the slap. When I ask her about the actual kiss its touchy, she first said she was drunk that night and blacked out and didn't remember, yet, remembers every other detail around it, so her blackout comment ended up being a defense mechanism or whatever since I called her out on it. But each time I asked about the actual kiss, she couldn't give me a straight answer. She claims he was only able to touch her lips, but I can't believe it. After she pushed him off (which i obviously don't believe) she ran upstairs and went to sleep, and he supposedly left (how would she know if he left?). The incident happened around 2am or so, I don't believe she ran off and slept. She couldn't have ****ed him in her car because she "had no keys" so maybe they did something upstairs. I don't know if he had a car, he came down to visit from another state.

Seeing as how she said she would text me the address the night before if I really wanted to come, I thought it would be fine if i found her in the morning. So I found the house and waited until her phone was back on (i never do stuff like this, but i was so guilty for the way i treated her i felt like i had really messed things up) and finally she answered. She came out, and stuck her tongue down my throat pretty much. More emotion that usual, I knew something was weird. I told her sorry, at that point i felt so horrible about other things, not just her and I, but how I was able to fall that hard etc. She could have left the house at that point but stayed! It wasn't until later that day when we confessed to each other.

Yesterday, I exposed a lot of her bullshiet and made her admit it was intentional and that she led him on. She claims when it happened she realized I was the one she wants. But if she felt that way, she would have found a way to leave the house or call me that night, not wait until the next night where she felt guilty enough to have to tell me.

Now it is to the point where I am convinced she ****ed him. She waited until the next day after work to come tell me, says she felt horrible because I was the one she didn't want it to happen to (so its almost like she admits to fully cheating) and was scared to tell me. She has cheated on her exes, her exes were shiettier than me. Those couple days fresh after the incident she would ball her eyes out telling me she is sorry and acted like all she wants is me. How could she be so sad when she didn't even kiss back? It is such bs. So now, a few months later (present day) I am deciding what I will do with this relationship and opened the wound back up.

This is where we left off: I tell her to tell me the truth because it would show more, or at least proof that her story checks out, but at this point I don't believe the bs she gave me. She keeps telling me the same story and even gets frustrated/angry that i don't believe her/trust her. So it's like, she is lying and I know it, but she is going down with that story to prove I'm wrong for not buying it.

 

What if she really is telling the truth?

 

I don't believe in the whole "shes the one" thing anymore after my last relationship. I understand human nature and choices, and I know she wouldn't have cheated if i acted like her man in the first place, but I know I can't take that blame. Part of me wants to stay because since I stopped caring about everything, the sex has gotten amazing and stuff, and she is very weak, I am afraid to leave her to fall into her old ways/past. I want her to see how unique she is, and that she doesn't need to keep feeling like shes not good enough. I am a little scared down the road I will be tempted to cheat and hurt her though. What if I lead her farther into attachment and when its over, things become worse for her than they would be if I left her now? The thought of staying with her is interesting. I became a little "bitch made" the past years, but through this relationship I have woken back up to life and grew my balls back, so here I am not afraid to let go of things I never thought I was capable of. I am a private person and always keep my issues to myself, never seek advice for my relationships. I have been analyzing the crap out of this though and would like to see it laid out like this, feel free to give me your input and ask whatever questions you want. There may be useful details I left out. Thank you for reading, so sorry about the length. Do you think it was only a kiss?

Edited October 8, 2013 by Mr.Nobody