! My heart says DO SOMETHING!

[Inspiteofrselves]

Alright. The end of November will be a year since he left. He left crying and telling me he loved me after he confessed he halfway hooked up with a stripper on tour (Never would have known if he hadn't told me)

 

RECAP

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/428088-moving-right-direction

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/421472-how-proceed-loss-soulmate

 

To be totally honest, I was a really good girlfriend until those last three days he came back from tour, where I did some crazy ****. Honestly, I can't blame him for leaving. Examples: I made him "confess" in excrutiating detail, recorded it, and asked him to watch it back. He just looked so sad the whole time. I got very drunk and high and proposed while vomiting. Really I was the worst human ever for three days. It wasn't logical, it wasn't loving. I was just hurt and trying to hurt him. This all came at the end of a really tough financial spot for him we'd been bickering about for 3 months. And then he left, asking for space.

 

I gave him no space.

 

Until, seven months post breakup, I found out he's seeing a girl-- which is pretty much a recreation of our unusual relationship start: 2h apart, seeing eachother only on weekends. She looks like me. Etc. He is not a relationship guy. I was his first girlfriend that lasted past the 1 year mark in his 30 years of life. He had been single for three years (but with tons of girls beating down his door) when I met him.

 

Anyway, when I found that our I did a 30 days NC, responded to a bday text with a "thank you" and "revelation/apology" text, 30 days NC, and then had a beatiful convo with him about not much two weeks ago, in which he stressed he wasn't lying about "not seeing anyone" last time we talked, and that the girl was "very new" and they "just got a long really well." He asked about my love life, I told him I am seeing someone who treats me really well, didn't start dating until I found out he was, and that I don't feel "in love" with the guy I'm currently seeing, but am not sure, as I've only ever been in love with HIM. The rest of the convo was just pleasant. We agreed to stay in touch.

 

He and the new girl have been together for three months or so. She travels to see him, and he takes her to nice places I didn't get to go to. It looks serious in that respect. I think of her riding shotgun in the car we shared and want to puke. I want him to be happy, but I just don't understand. Its so unlike him. She's very new-agey, and "positive" which is something he hated-- but I guess likes now? I was suffering from depression at the end of our relationship, and know that made things hard, but I have delt and am dealing with it-- maybe this is why he suddenly likes happy-go-lucky hippie healing girls he used to hate?

 

All that seriousness aside, it's strikingly similar to the beginning phase of our VERY ROMANTIC relationship-- which we both entered into very hesitantly... but I guess he's doing it again? I'm told this is the marker of a rebound.

 

GAH I GOTTA GET OUT OF HIS HEAD!

 

NOW

 

Anyway. I love this man more than I have loved anything I've ever known. I feel called to be a wife to him more than I want my fancy career, my nice apartment, or to be the queen of england.

 

I have moved on with my life (though not from him,) improved myself and it, and am in a really good situation now. I want him to be happy, and if he can't be with me-- okay. But I just don;t think that's the truth.

 

I don't know if this no contact thing is really what we should be doing. Our love was so uncommon. He'd write me poems and leave me notes, look at me and cry with joy. We had technically "terrible" sex (on his end) but it was INCREDIBLE because we just loved being close. I helped him with his anxiety, he took me everywhere shotgun, and loved that I was an artist and a loud mouth. We raised a crazy little dog together. We laughed so much. He loved my weird feet and my habit of tripping over myself, and I loved his bizarre skin rash and digestive issues. WE WERE SO ****ING IN LOVE. Once in a lifetime kind of love. (Not to say I couldn't love again, but surely not like that)

 

November is a year since he cheated. He'll be on tour again. I was thinking of sending a long love letter recapping the good times mostly, with some apology and "we'd be crazy not to try again." I was going to send it to one of the venues he's touring at.

 

Here's what I'm thinking. Now is the time. He's thirty. He'll probably get serious with that girl, just because of the age. Because when he runs into problems, he'll remember he regrets not fighting through ours. I don't want to and won't tell him these things a year into a relationship with another woman. I feel funny about doing it now even though they're "really new" and "just get along."

 

My therapist said I have to let him know. But a lot of info says NC NC NC.

I never thought I would be here. He was always concerned about "loving me more"

 

When he left he said he never stopped loving me, but couldn't stop hurting me so he had to leave. I realized a lot of that hurt was ME hurting ME and not looking out for myself-- and i took it out on him.

 

What do I do? This was TRUE LOVE. With TRULY ****ED UP CIRCUMSTANCES.

Am I delusional? Please help.

[willpower654]

It sounds like maybe you have changed some things in your life but you have not moved on since the day you two broke up. I would suggest it may be a good idea to just clear the air.

 

I had an ex who it didnt work out with obviously.. but we used to fight a lot and a lot of it surrounded not understanding each other, and not communicating effectively. Anyhow, we did NC for like 3 months I think, at which point I showed up to his house after I sent a text ...to talk to him in person. I basically said to myself I was going to tell him how I felt and see what happens... He wasn't over the relationship but he had come to a logical conclusion that we would never work. He literally said to me.. dont worry your a stong girl you will be okay. Because i thought I loved him more than anything and couldn't get over it.

 

Realistically, I figure as much as that convo hurt me, I wasn't over it anyway and thought that I should tell him and see where he was at.

 

What I'm saying is that you are in a limbo right now. And maybe you shouldn't care what people think, or how the new girl feels or whatever. If you tell him how you feel, and he responds with "I am happy now, we can be friends" you can atleast start from there without any thought that it may work out... This way you can actually work on yourself in a healthy way and not be hanging on to the past.

 

I would say give it a shot. If you don't you will obsess over him and the new girl and keep saying I wish I would have said something.

 

My ex now calls me randomly... Obviously he didn't make the right decision when I came back to him.. but thats not my problem anymore. I am now completely over it. And would be friends, or civil with him anytime but I know that he was not healthy for me. No matter the extent of our love for eachother.

[Inspiteofrselves]

That's really good to hear. I just worry sometimes it's disrespectful to contact him about my feelings. It's nice to hear that your confession did not make him want to stay away from you.

 

Do you think its fair to assume that if he loves me, it won't matter if he doesn't want to hear this right now, and that he'll come around eventually?

[Inspiteofrselves]

Anyone else? Will this hurt my chances? What to avoid include? Similar exp?

[Inspiteofrselves]

Sorry to keep bumping my thread but I really need some help. I spoke with my father today, and he says the letter might not be a good idea as it may push him farther away. I am just very unsure and feeling a lot of urgency and pain now that I new girl is in the picture. I am full of so much regret that I only started Doing better after he got involved with someone else. I ****ed him trying to come back up twice...

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately, hearts usually have sh*t for brains. I tend to agree with your father. And it seems like the nexus of all of this is the new girl, which means you are operating out of fear. Fear is not attractive in the least and urgent thoughts lead to panicked thoughts, panicked thoughts lead to desperate reactions, desperate reactions come off as clingy and pathetic and will cause you more angst. It's best to let this pass.

[Inspiteofrselves]

The trouble is that maybe the letter is out of fear... But my feelings have remained as strong as te day we told each other we loved each other... Four years ago. We've been broken up for a year now. He's thirty but I was his first relationship that lasted over a year first girl he lived with.... I am so afraid that HIS fear will allow me to become te starter wife and he will be with this girl for the long haul. He is the man I am supposed to marry. I know it in my soul. What to do? What's to stop him from being with her if he "is in love with me but keeps hurting me" so he "has to move on with someone he just gets along with. I need a plan of action. Please help. It's been three months. Soon she wot be "new girl"

Edited October 10, 2013 by Inspiteofrselves

[Simon Phoenix]

The trouble is that maybe the letter is out of fear... But my feelings have remained as strong as te day we told each other we loved each other... Four years ago. We've been broken up for a year now. He's thirty but I was his first relationship that lasted over a year first girl he lived with.... I am so afraid that HIS fear will allow me to become te starter wife and he will be with this girl for the long haul. He is the man I am supposed to marry. I know it in my soul. What to do? What's to stop him from being with her if he "is in love with me but keeps hurting me" so he "has to move on with someone he just gets along with. I need a plan of action. Please help. It's been three months. Soon she wot be "new girl"

 

Unfortunately, your feelings don't matter in this situation. It sounds harsh, but if he's not feeling it, then it doesn't matter if you think you are soulmates or not, it's not going to happen. It's up to him whether he wants to try again. There's nothing you can do to manipulate the situation and even if there was, would you really want to trick someone into being with you?

 

I know this sucks. But it's not your call.

[M30USA]

The trouble is that maybe the letter is out of fear... But my feelings have remained as strong as te day we told each other we loved each other... Four years ago. We've been broken up for a year now. He's thirty but I was his first relationship that lasted over a year first girl he lived with.... I am so afraid that HIS fear will allow me to become te starter wife and he will be with this girl for the long haul. He is the man I am supposed to marry. I know it in my soul. What to do? What's to stop him from being with her if he "is in love with me but keeps hurting me" so he "has to move on with someone he just gets along with. I need a plan of action. Please help. It's been three months. Soon she wot be "new girl"

 

What I know is "love is not enough". Sometimes a person would rather be with someone who doesn't make their life a chaotic torment than with a "soul mate" who does as such.

[willpower654]

So... What happened???

[Inspiteofrselves]

Sorry I didn't get back sooner. I hate to be the person that does that.

 

Well, I split the difference... I sent him a pizza while he was away on tour. It arrived at the venue 500 miles away and said "sometimes words don't suffice, so I sent you a pizza"

 

He thanked me for it a few days later. Since then I have been trying to take it easy and take it slow. I am not really sure what's going on with him and that girl. I don't ask. She moved from her town to our city (10 minutes away from me--he's a real estate agent now) four months into them dating... but he's still living in his mom's basement. Ultimately, if she's what he wants, I can't compete. She's a hot blonde former prom queen who calls psychics, practices herbalism, and loves reality TV. I am a sarcastic, brunette writer lady, only now discovering that she's attractive--and not that interested in it. So.

 

 

Anywayyy We've had a few great few-hour long phone convos. The last time we talked about the girl, she'd already moved down, but he said that it was "very new" and stressed he "hadn't lied about anything." I just said "I love you, so if you're happy I'm happy." I started seeing someone nice too, who knows about and understands my issues with my ex. I am not in love with him, and he understands that, but we enjoy eachother's company.

 

The whole things is very confusing. I'll try not to dwell on the past.

 

RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

 

called him thanksgiving, left a message with a nice little memory of the time our car blew up on the way home from our first holiday with my family, haha.

 

HE RETURNED THE CALL THREE WEEKS LATER and didn't leave a message.

 

I thought it must have been a mistake, that he'd moved on for good, because I hadn't heard from him in about I month. I ignored the call. My friends and family told me I was an idiot, and of course he ment to call. I told them it was a bad sign he called three weeks later. They uniformly said it was a good thing he waited, it meant he was thinking about it. If he wasn;t he would have forgotten to return the call.

 

After a few weeks I called him back, hoping to get his VM (it was a weekday afternoon) He picked up, even though he was at work, and said he had time to chat. I was so disarmed that I said I was just calling to see what he needed, and he said that he was just returning my call and hoping to catch up. I said I was busy at the moment, but would love to catch up some other time. He said "call me next week." I asked him to call me because my job is more flexible. He said "Well, I am in the city full time now and not on tour so..."

 

He didn't call that week.

 

 

Anyway, I caved the following week I sent him a picture of our dog in a santa suit at christmas, as I always do and we had a long text back and forth. He talked about his grandpa dying and being "ready to see grandma" and asked how my family was. I told him, asked when he'd be back in town, and would he like to get together to exchange stuff?

 

He said he's busy until after new years, but he'd love to "get coffee or whatnot" and "we'll figure it out"

 

Bah. I don't know what this means or what to do. Everyone says he's reaching out ( even my grandma who hates him after he left) but I feel like its hopeless, and I should just try to fall out of love, but I can't! Oy! Okay, maybe this deserves its own thread. An thoughts?

[BC1980]

He seems pretty ambivalent over getting in touch with you or seeing you. I think you should close the door on this one.

[Inspiteofrselves]

If Only I could

[pickflicker]

Assertive, confident men have no problem chasing a woman that they are interested in.

 

He ain't chasing you that hard, hun. I'd say he's not interested, unless you're doing the legwork. He hooked up with a stripper whilst on tour - his knees should be raw from the begging. Anything less isn't good enough.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Legwork? Do tell. Also, begging happened. I was just an unholy bitch for three months.

[pickflicker]

Legwork? Do tell. Also, begging happened. I was just an unholy bitch for three months.

 

Well, I would be too, if my boyfriend had slept with a stripper.

 

Look, you're chasing him and he should be the one chasing you. If he gave up, he's not that invested.

 

But if you want to flip the dynamic, you've got to let him go, go underground, and leave him alone. If nothing else, he has a new relationship and whether you like her or not, you need to respect that by not inserting yourself into the new relationship.

 

You have to leave him be. If he becomes single again, then pursue him. You only want him because someone else has him, I think.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Also, any suggestions for when we do meet?

[Inspiteofrselves]

Oy. I wish I only wanted him because someone else had him. I never dumped him. He left me because he "couldn't keep hurting me"

[pickflicker]

Oy. I wish I only wanted him because someone else had him. I never dumped him. He left me because he "couldn't keep hurting me"

 

Is he, or is he not, seeing someone else? If so, do not meet him, do not interact with him, do not speak to him. He is with someone else. That relationship must be respected. If he's taken, you're basically trying to nick him from another girl. And no matter how blonde, or how much she likes reality TV, she's the one he's chosen.

[Inspiteofrselves]

I am going to go ahead an say that IF he's with that girl, he has chosen not to make it clear to me. I have chosen not to assert myself into that relationship by not asking.

 

She also started a relationship with a guy four months after he left a cohabitating partner of three years... and she has some accountability in that. I have been a rebound girl, and it was my fault.

[pickflicker]

I am going to go ahead an say that IF he's with that girl, he has chosen not to make it clear to me. I have chosen not to assert myself into that relationship by not asking.

 

She also started a relationship with a guy four months after he left a cohabitating partner of three years... and she has some accountability in that. I have been a rebound girl, and it was my fault.

 

Err... no. Time for some accountability. He's shown he's no stranger to deceit. You need all the facts. You can't put your hands over your ears and hum and decide that makes you unaccountable.

 

Ask him point blank if he's seeing someone, and then get back to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

So you basically are torturing yourself months later with a guy who doesn't really seem to care whether he sees you or he doesn't. You really need to stop contacting and chasing him -- you are way too easy of a mark right now. He knows that you are sitting there pathetically waiting and pining for him. It's time to stop chasing.

 

Then again, you ignored our advice before so I'm sure you'll ignore it again.

[Inspiteofrselves]

I am confused. He brought up the idea of seeing one another, in person. He called. I am supposed to play a mind game with him?

 

He doesn't want to see me, so that's why he suggested we get together? He doesn't want to talk to me so that's why he calls? If he is thinking about me a year after our relationship is over, while with an attractive, new, and simpler woman-- then he has no interest in me? He never spoke to ex's when we started dating.

 

I know this is defensive.... but as much as I need some of the help on here, and the help I get from my family, friends and therapist, I can't help but feel there are a lot of people offering selfish advice.

 

I don't want ANY relationship based on the foundation of misrepresenting myself. I appreciate your time and concern for my situation, I really sincerely do... but I wonder if your motivation is altruistic?

 

 

As for the assertion that I am not respecting the relationship he may or may not be having-- I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE THE OTHER WOMAN.

 

I have LONG struggled with talking to him while he may or may not be seeing this girl... feeling bad for her, even while nearly blinded by my own jealousy and hurt. But after speaking with friends, family, and mental health professionals, it's pretty clear to me that I am not "swooping in" on anything. She started dating him while he was still telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me, but "knew" we "weren't right" because he "couldn't stop hurting me." She knew what was going on. She took a risk. Just as I am now. I don't blame her for the fact this hasn't worked out.

 

I wish nothing more for her than that she finds the love of her life... and hopefully it's not the love of mine. And if it is, and he loves her, really truly, so be it.

 

I would NEVER. EVER. EVER. Have any physical relations with him while he is seeing someone else, or for sometime after he is single--IF he ever is again.

He's getting older, and I am open to the fact he very well marry this girl. It hurts, but I'm open to it.

 

I am looking for advice about how to proceed in this positive situation. We had NC for several months, been broken up for a year, and he is reaching out.

 

What NOW?

[LumberJack]

1) I was his first girlfriend that lasted past the 1 year mark in his 30 years of life. He had been single for three years (but with tons of girls beating down his door) when I met him.

 

2) I told him I am seeing someone who treats me really well, didn't start dating until I found out he was, and that I don't feel "in love" with the guy I'm currently seeing, but am not sure, as I've only ever been in love with HIM. The rest of the convo was just pleasant. We agreed to stay in touch.

 

3) I don't know if this no contact thing is really what we should be doing. Our love was so uncommon. He'd write me poems and leave me notes, look at me and cry with joy. We had technically "terrible" sex (on his end) but it was INCREDIBLE because we just loved being close. I helped him with his anxiety, he took me everywhere shotgun, and loved that I was an artist and a loud mouth. We raised a crazy little dog together. We laughed so much. He loved my weird feet and my habit of tripping over myself, and I loved his bizarre skin rash and digestive issues. WE WERE SO ****ING IN LOVE. Once in a lifetime kind of love. (Not to say I couldn't love again, but surely not like that)

 

4) My therapist said I have to let him know. But a lot of info says NC NC NC.

I never thought I would be here. He was always concerned about "loving me more"

 

5) What do I do? This was TRUE LOVE. With TRULY ****ED UP CIRCUMSTANCES.

Am I delusional? Please help.

 

1) If you were his first serious relationship, I can see why he'd be curious about trying it out with other girls

 

2) If you've only ever been in love with him, I'm guessing he's also your first serious relationship, so it's way too soon to say you'll never love like this again. I dumped the love of my life roughly 4.5 years ago, and 2 years later I met an even greater "love of my life". I'm not being cynical - it could be the best is yet to come (Now you're thinking "oh, he just doesn't understand what we had". Trust me on this - I do)

 

3) Nobody likes to hear this - but all loves are uncommon. I personally have done all the things on your list with my last gf. The poems, the funny feet, the crazy dog, the anxiety - heck - even the terrible sex! She had a genital condition she was very insecure about, and I constantly had to comfort her that I loved having sex with her regardless. She met me during an extremely severe bout of depression. Each time we discovered each others weaknesses and put them aside, and comforted each other, it seemed like a huge step forward in our intimacy. From conversing with my fellow humans I've come to discover that this is all *very* common in loving relationships. It really is.

 

4) If you have things you have NOT YET TOLD HIM and he needs to know - sure, let him know. I'm not talking about another text that reads "hey, remember that one time your car broke down and your crazy dog started barking and we had hamburgers and watched the sunset?". Trust me, he remembers, and his mind's not there right now. It just sounds clingy, and is super-unattractive. I'm talking about something like "I still love you and miss you and I want us to get back together and work on our issues". I'm guessing you've already told him this, probably more than once. If you have nothing else to add, NC would do the both of you good.

 

5) I'm sure it was true love, and true love often comes with f**ed up circumstances (who knows better than I). From what you're telling it sounds like he's not interested in rekindling anything right now. I don't think that chasing him will do much to change that. It will most likely drive him further away.

 

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive at times. Sometimes you need to slap someone for them to wake up. Try to think of it as a friendly gesture.

 

Be strong. It can take a while before your hearts ready to open up again, but I'm positive that it will happen, and it will be better next time 'round. Also - being single can be quite liberating. Build up that career, chase those dreams, have fun.

 

Oh - this is getting kinda long, so I'll be brief with this next point right here. I just feel it needs to be said:

30's not a big deal for guys. Seriously. No biological clock, no nothing. Couldn't care less. He's not in a hurry because of his age.

[AlphaC]

So you basically are torturing yourself months later with a guy who doesn't really seem to care whether he sees you or he doesn't. You really need to stop contacting and chasing him -- you are way too easy of a mark right now. He knows that you are sitting there pathetically waiting and pining for him. It's time to stop chasing.

 

Then again, you ignored our advice before so I'm sure you'll ignore it again.

 

Exactly, this guy is not interested in the OP, he took 3 weeks to return her phone call, he has a new girl, he cheated, etc, etc. You must have very few options if you are chasing this guy.

 

I feel sorry for this guy, is sounds like he has done everything to get away from the OP and she is still chasing him, total pyscho!!!

 

To you, the OP, go NC, not to get him back but to get on with your life. There are 6 billion people on the planet, keep it moving.