! My heart says DO SOMETHING!

[Inspiteofrselves]

LJ, thanks for your insights, it's good to hear those things happen twice for some people.

 

Alpha C. We obviously have very different value systems. I can see why I might seem like a "psyco" to you.

 

I am having a very hard time understanding why he would suggest getting together if he didn't want to see me. Also-- my therapist mentioned this... three weeks to return a phonecall at first seems negative... but I take about that time to return his... and can;t think of a time in my life where... if I didn't return a call in three or four days, I remembered to at all... much less in the middle of a work day...

[Inspiteofrselves]

I am starting to think maybe this forum isn't for me.

 

It's been a year since my ex and I broke up. He mentioned months ago he was seeing someone, but she has not been mentioned in our subsequent conversations.

 

He made mistakes. I made mistakes. He has issues. I have issues. Yes he cheated. Yes, the night before that he wrote me a song on the road that said "can I keep you" Yes he cried and begged. Yes I was such a bitch about it he decided he could never make me happy and left our home to live in his mom's basement after discussing marriage several weeks earlier. Yes he hooked up with girls following our breakup. Yes he started dating one after I started playing NC mind games, and seeing someone myself to boot. But it's a year later and we're still talking.

 

I did a period of no contact which turned out to be a HUGE MANIPULATIVE MISTAKE. I wish I could undo that. He has an avoidant personality. He started dating this girl because he felt we weren't communicating, he was confused, and had to move on. He avoids emotionally difficult situations. I didn't have a plan about dealing with this part of him in the relationship. It became stressful for him.

 

 

Anyway... we talk occasionally now. We've had a few great phone conversations lately, and he asked me to meet with him. What do you know, a bunch of dudes on LS say I am "CHASING MY POOR EX" who wants nothing but to get away from me.

 

Any explanation of how a guy who CALLS YOU JUST TO CHAT doesn't actually want to speak to you is welcome.

 

When I send him a pizza on tour with a semi romantic note "Sometimes words don't suffice, so I got you a pizza" -- ("Mistake!") He calls to ask how I knew exactly what he wanted. Come on. I have gotten many a note and gift from suitors I wasn't interested in. 9/10 times I politely tell them I am flattered, but it's not appropriate. In the case of a real psyco, I just ignore. I sure as **** don't tell them it was exactly what I wanted.

 

He calls and calls back, sometimes in the middle of the work day. I never meeting up, and he wants to get together.

 

We have been broken up for a year. I had my period of no contact. He wants to meet. How the am I "not leaving him alone?"

 

Sorry to sound angry, but I am trying to stay positive about my love for this man. I have tried everything to get over him, but it's a love that sticks. I have no choice but to believe in it.

 

Now I am second guessing if i should call to set up a time, as he suggested.

 

I get it, if i give up hope I'll be "happier" but guess what friends, I won't be fulfilled. And fulfillment is what I need.

 

So my question is, if it happens, what do I do at this meeting? I don't want to misrepresent myself, but should i mention I am still in love? The words have not been exchanged since six months ago, when I found out he was seeing a girl.

 

Or am I supposed to just be as pleasant and engaging as possible with no mention of us?

 

Or a combination of the two?

 

Anyway, any advice about how to tackle what is on MY plate now would be good.

[Never Again]

We have been broken up for a year. I had my period of no contact. He wants to meet. How the am I "not leaving him alone?"

 

Sorry to sound angry, but I am trying to stay positive about my love for this man. I have tried everything to get over him, but it's a love that sticks. I have no choice but to believe in it.

 

Now I am second guessing if i should call to set up a time, as he suggested.

 

I get it, if i give up hope I'll be "happier" but guess what friends, I won't be fulfilled. And fulfillment is what I need.

 

So my question is, if it happens, what do I do at this meeting? I don't want to misrepresent myself, but should i mention I am still in love? The words have not been exchanged since six months ago, when I found out he was seeing a girl.

 

Or am I supposed to just be as pleasant and engaging as possible with no mention of us?

 

Or a combination of the two?

 

Anyway, any advice about how to tackle what is on MY plate now would be good.

 

Kid, I'll tell you what I can with as little bullsh*t or preaching as possible.

 

Only meet up with him if you're ready for ANYTHING.

 

You can still love him. You can still like him. But you cannot be pining for him, or show that you're desperate in any way. It'll be a super turnoff.

 

There are many, many stories on here of dumpers contacting or initiating meetups because they get that spark of interest back...but they lose interest the second they know they can get what they want.

 

If you're still hurting from the breakup and his recent relationship, now may not be the time to meet him. You can give him a simple "not now".

 

If you're ready to potentially hear that he only wants to be friends and loves his new girlfriend, then go. Even if they're broken up and he wants you back, you should keep your cards close to your vest. Let him spill his guts first, and just act like he's an old, somewhat distant friend. Don't let him get close enough to hurt you unless he lays his heart on the line.

 

Do NOT talk about the old relationship, or your feelings.

 

I would suggest delaying the meeting, or even canceling. I don't want to tell you now, but it doesn't feel like you're quite ready.

[pickflicker]

I think you have a splendid ability to talk around the issue.

[pteromom]

 

I am having a very hard time understanding why he would suggest getting together if he didn't want to see me. Also-- my therapist mentioned this... three weeks to return a phonecall at first seems negative... but I take about that time to return his... and can;t think of a time in my life where... if I didn't return a call in three or four days, I remembered to at all... much less in the middle of a work day...

 

Maybe he does want to see you. But that doesn't mean he wants to get back together with you.

 

And it doesn't mean you should get back together with him. Even if he was into getting back together, he cheated on you. With a stripper. Heck, being as he has no issue with cheating, he may just want to see you in hopes that you'll sleep with him. Doesn't mean he thinks you are his lost love or his future.

 

You seem to expend a lot of energy analyzing what he says and does, and extrapolating what he must be feeling based on his actions. This is a pointless exercise, because only he knows what he is feeling.

 

If you feel you can't let him go without telling him how you feel, then tell him. Let it all out and let nothing go unsaid. But also let go of any expectations of outcome. He may say he feels the same and wants you back. He may say he feels the same but doesn't want to try again. Or he may say he doesn't feel the same. Or - he may just avoid giving an answer at all. But no matter what, you'll know he knows how you feel. And then you can go on to the next chapter, whatever that may be.

 

Living in this limbo where you discuss and analyze his words and actions with everyone you know is just not healthy.

[headinthecloud]

Based on the way you've expressed yourself in this thread you seem very strong willed and minded and are looking for answers that align with what you want to hear. Everyone seems to be offering different perspectives and many are from the NC POV because in their experience it works.

 

I agree pteromom, if you really want to know then stop speculating and just meet with him. Strong personalities often have to hit a hard wall with no return before they can move on, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just how some people process their emotions - they burn bridges. However, i think many LS members who share their experiences with you do so in hopes that you will avoid making the same mistakes they made that caused them pain....experience is the best teacher. They are not necessarily altruistic motives but rather charitable - giving back to the community.

 

I would stop analyzing and just go with what your gut tells you. Advice is just a recommendation, ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions. I hope whatever you decide to do works out for you and that you find happiness again. Word to wise, try your best to not repeat the mishaps of the past...learn and move forward.