I am a mean man trying to save a long distance marriage

[IA1031]

My wife and I have been married for four and a half years. We have been living apart for the last 2 years. The reason is that I went back to school in a different state and she had a job she didn't want to quit. Our plan is, or at least was, that I will move back after graduation and we will start a family. We are now going through some tough times.

 

Until about a year ago, we had some arguments that I started for no good reason and I used some harsh words and treated her in a way she does not deserve. She was always forgiving and understanding. When I look back, I feel like she was overly understanding. We could have been divorced by now. Some of my behaviour was really mean. To give a few examples, I was being jealous while she was completely faithful or I was forcing her to quit her job and move back in with me even though it is not a wise decision. She has a job she likes and she might not be able to get it back after we return. Like I said, this was about until a year ago. Some time into living separate, about a year, I realized how much she contributes to my happiness. I tried to make up for all the pain I caused. I stopped picking up stupid fights and tried to show I appreciate her patience with me and commitment to our marriage. She was happy. Exactly like the first few months together. After about a year of smooth marriage, things changed a month ago. Again my mistake. Here is what happened.

 

I was very stressed about an oral exam I had to pass. I am in grad school. I passed it and had about two weeks of stress free time. No deadline for any talks or exams but I still had to stay here and do some usual work. I started drinking a lot. I was just looking for a way to relieve the stress I went through. I drank every evening. I am not an alcoholic or anything. I never had a drinking problem before and just stopped after two weeks. At times I was drunk, we had a few conversations that I don't remember. After each such conversation, she was terribly upset. She said drinking turns me into a mean man and it is best we don't go through what I said and she would forget but I had to stop drinking. I went on drinking and the same. The day after the last drunk conversation, she said what went on was pretty much unforgivable and she did not want to talk about what happened. Since that day, she avoids talking about it and she acts like we are just good friends. We still talk every day but no words of love from her and she cuts our conversations shorter than usual. I was thinking I should not push her and hoping she would tell me what upsets her. She didn't. No discussion of anything for three weeks. A few days ago, I tried to figure out the problem. She said she is not sure I am the man she thought she was marrying. With a tone I never heard before. Insensitive. Indifferent. Like she is talking about her soccer game or something. I was speechless for a second. She said not to worry and to focus on my work and went on talking about her day. Now I feel afraid I made an irreparable mistake. I never heard her talk so distant. I have no idea what to do.

 

We are separate as I said. We used to skype but she says she does not want to these days. I will have a chance to go back at the end of the semester. Sometime mid December. I am afraid of waiting till then. I have no memory of what I said but it was clearly terrible. She does not want to tell me what I said. Can anyone help me? Thank you for your time.

[Eivuwan]

It seems that every time you are stressed you have poor coping mechanisms that involve drinking or taking things out on your wife. I'm glad you have some insight into your behavior, but I think what you need to do is see a therapist to help you figure out better ways to cope and communicate with your wife. It seems that your wife is angry at you, but still overly concerned about hurting your feelings. You two are not able to speak openly to each other. That's my theory anyway.

[nescafe1982]

First, congrats on passing your Orals. I think it's worth understanding that qualifying exams are among the most stressful events a person can go through... right up there with divorce, grief, or the birth of a child. It is a very difficult and trying time.

 

That said, it seems clear to me that, as Eivuwan said, you have poor coping skills and you need to work on them. I think a therapist could be very, very good for you. Heck, anyone who is undergoing grad school could use help from a shrink.

 

Whatever was said, it was hurtful and if I were your wife, I'd be wondering how you're going to SHOW me you are the man I married. Stop drinking. Make that change right now, because if your choice to drink is hurting anyone you care about, it's a problem. I think seeing a counselor about your coping issues or about the stress of school and the long-distance marriage might also go a long way in demonstrating to your wife that you recognize the problem and are trying to correct it.

 

Focusing on how your actions (and not only your words, apologies, etc) can demonstrate your willingness to be a better mate. I think if you can do this, this horrible thing might have a net-positive outcome.

 

Good luck!

[Criticality]

There is only one way to find out what you did.

 

Go to a hotel, get hammered and call your wife.

But this time record it!

 

(Make sure to turn the tape recorder on before you knock back a few!)