Trying to be friends but.........

[Ace]

For those that have read my posts, know my situation. Anyway, my gf broke up with me about 2 months ago after 5 years and I am now trying to be friends with her. Anyway, we went to the mall a few days and it was pretty fun, but my feelings came out a little after we got back to her apt and it did get a little weird. Keep in mind that it was pretty fun while we were at the mall.

 

She has an art show that I know really means alot to her and I thought that I would put pride aside and be a nice guy and call and tell her that I was going to be down for a little while just to see how she was doing.

 

She replied back just now and said that since things got weird the other day, it would be best if I didn't come! It pissed me off because I am trying my hardest to be friends with her and she is not even lettting me. I mean, I am not trying to get back with her anymore. I am just trying to be frikkin' friends!

 

Here is the email, see what you guys think:

 

Are you still having that art show on Saturday? If you read this before you

call then this is the reason why I called. Just wanting to know if you are still having that art show and that I will probably be down there for a little while to keep you company if you don't mind.

Here is her reply:

 

Yes, i am still having the art show on saturday, but i don't think it woulld be a good idea if you come, cause the last time after the tripp to the mall things got a little weird and i don't want that to happen so i think that space right now is the best thing. i am not trying to saay this to be mean i just don''t want tto complicate things right now. i appreciate that you were thought about coming.

 

tracy

 

If she is going to be like this and act like this everytime we see each other, then pardon my french, but ##### her! Even after she has broken up with me, I am trying to be the best guy that I am because I am a nice guy and I still would like to keep in touch.

 

I am sorry, but I guess that I just had to vent because I just read her reply and I would just like to see what you guys thought of this situation because I am trying to keep you guys up to date on what is going on.

 

Adam

[Laurynn]

Hi Ace...

 

I read your posts in the past. I'm sorry that this breakup is hard for you. I know that 5 yrs is a long time to have been with someone. BUT......you need to totally forget about this 'friends' thing.

 

She made the decision to end the relationship for her own good reasons (good to her). It seems pretty obvious by what you wrote, that you still care for her very much and that even though you're trying to 'just be friends', your feelings for her (stronger than friends) are not appreciated or accepted.

 

By this and your past posts, sorry...but it's written all over the wall that you are hoping that she'll change her mind about you...that she'll see what a good guy you are and she'll rescind her decision to break up. It's clear that's not going to happen.

 

As a woman who's had to end relationships in the past, let me tell you......there is nothing that's more of a 'friendship breaker' and TURN OFF to have your ex fawning all over you still....and trying, however subtly, to get you back. Breakup means breakup, no means no. If a guy kept chasing me, under the guise of simply wanting to be 'friends', I'd think he was extremely dense and a major pain in the ass. I'd resent them, and resent the fact that they didn't respect my decision to end things. I'd also lose respect for them......and who wants to be even 'friends' with someone you can't respect. I call guys like that, "cling-ons".....they don't seem to have any self worth or pride.

 

Please, leave her be. She is not a bitch, she is simply someone who doesn't want a relationship with you......and because it's clear you haven't been able to accept that, and tried to charm her and woo her back, she no longer wants friendship at this time (if ever?) If you continue to contact her, she could very well report you for HARASSMENT. NO MEANS NO.

 

Get on with your life. Surely to God there must be other nice women you could meet....who'd appreciate your friendship and possibly something more. Stop wasting your energy on someone who is no longer available to you..it just makes you look desperate and clingy.

 

DO NOT email her back, do NOT phone her, do NOT contact her for any reason. Do NOT GO TO THE ART SHOW either. She's told you to please leave her be, and if you don't listen, I tell ya....it's harassment....and she could go so far as to get a restraining order against you.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but seriously, you seem to be obsessed with her. She's not the only woman in the world. Find someone who will appreciate all that you have to give...find someone that you can have a possible future with. I know it's hard but being charged with harassment is a lot harder.

 

Take care,

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

If you were just wanting to be a friend, you wouldn't be so pissed off. Her request that you not come was sincere, genuine and nicely worded. She did not mean to piss you off...you pissed yourself off. You made the decision to get mad...she had nothing at all to do with that.

 

If you don't want to be kind and considerate and give her time to heal from the break up in her own space and in her own way, you are not eligible to be her friend. She is pretty smart and she perceives that you still care for her in a way that she is uncomfortable with right now...that's why things got weird after the mall trip. She is wise in knowing that the two of you need more time apart before a true, honest, genuine friendship can ensue.

 

If you get so uptight and pissed when you don't get your way about things, I don't see how you could be a good friend to anybody. People like to have their wishes respected. When you learn to be cool, understanding, and not so demanding, not only will this girl be your good friend and want to be around you more but so will every other lady in the world. Moreoever, when you get really cool about being considerate and letting the ladies live their lives the way they wish, you'll have women flocking all over you wanting the golden opportunity to date you.

 

If you are really sincere about trying to be the best guy you can be and about being nice to her, respect her wishes...give her some space...don't call her for a while...and go look for some other nice chicks who will be very happy to spend time with you.

 

The matter with your ex will handle itself with time...but only if you will give it time.

[Ace]

I am sorry. I really am a nice guy and I simply hate seeing anyone, especially myself, being hurt. I just thought that if I could be cool, we could be good friends and kind of smooth over the whole thing because I hate conflict.

 

I guess I am unable to do this. You guys don't know how hard I have tried to make the relationship work and even after that, tried to make the friend thing work and it has not helped either. I am really sad about this because I have never been in a situation in which I could do nothing about. I have always tried to make things better and this time, it is not going to get better. I guess it is just a rude awakening because until this point everything in my life had been going pretty good.

 

I guess I am just trying too hard to make any kind of relationship work. Laurynn, you read me too. I really do want to get back together and I also thought I could try to show her what kind of person that I actually was then maybe she would come around, BUT, that was not all of it. I also wanted to be the nice guy and be friends if that is what she wanted.

 

This situation has just been really bad for me. I now feel really bad about the email that I sent back because I shouldn't have written it. After you guys said that, she was right. She was not trying to make anyone upset about it. She is right because I AM not able to be friends yet. I just really hate being wrong.

 

If I am acting like a "cling on" in which I think I am then I am going to stop and be the better person. I have no pride at this moment and I feel really vulnerable, but I am done with it.

 

Rack one up for heartache because it has sure kicked my ass just like it has done for many people in this world. I guess it is better to learn this sort of thing now than later in life when I am married. I am sure that the second time will definately not be this hard.

 

Here is the pretty crappy email that I sent her back:

 

OOOOOOOOOOOKKK.. The mall thing did not get weird until we got back to your apt. It was fine while we were at the mall! I was just going to stop by for a little bit just to see what you were entering and see how things were going! It wasn't like I was going to stay for hoursI I was just going to stop for a little bit to see how things were. You know, I really want us to be good friends and I think that we still can because after all this time, this is what we should be, in my opinion because we both care for each other and I was just caring! I would still like to keep in touch, but I guess that is not such a good idea according to Tracy.

 

I know that this email sounds s***ty but that upsets me when I am willing to try to be friends and do nice things, but you don't want me to.

 

Adam

[Ace]

Well Tony and others, I know her password to her email account and I went in and deleted the email that I sent her. I know that it is bad to still have her email password, but I don't have the heart to tell her that I still know it. This situation is bad enough already and if I told her that I went in there and did that, she would blow up. I guess that is just our little secret.

 

Adam

[sges]

yup, just disappear for a little while. if you really do want to be honest friends, know that it can't be right now. not yet. but it doesn't mean never. just until you can really handle it and do it w/o ulterior motives. i know it's tricky, but it's the sucky truth. but there will be a time when it's possible. (i'm big on friends after. after all, if s.o. was worth my time once, then they still are, even if we're not having sex anymore...)and believe it or not, the only decision then will be if you even still care to be...

I am sorry. I really am a nice guy and I simply hate seeing anyone, especially myself, being hurt. I just thought that if I could be cool, we could be good friends and kind of smooth over the whole thing because I hate conflict.

 

I guess I am unable to do this. You guys don't know how hard I have tried to make the relationship work and even after that, tried to make the friend thing work and it has not helped either. I am really sad about this because I have never been in a situation in which I could do nothing about. I have always tried to make things better and this time, it is not going to get better. I guess it is just a rude awakening because until this point everything in my life had been going pretty good. I guess I am just trying too hard to make any kind of relationship work. Laurynn, you read me too. I really do want to get back together and I also thought I could try to show her what kind of person that I actually was then maybe she would come around, BUT, that was not all of it. I also wanted to be the nice guy and be friends if that is what she wanted. This situation has just been really bad for me. I now feel really bad about the email that I sent back because I shouldn't have written it. After you guys said that, she was right. She was not trying to make anyone upset about it. She is right because I AM not able to be friends yet. I just really hate being wrong. If I am acting like a "cling on" in which I think I am then I am going to stop and be the better person. I have no pride at this moment and I feel really vulnerable, but I am done with it. Rack one up for heartache because it has sure kicked my ass just like it has done for many people in this world. I guess it is better to learn this sort of thing now than later in life when I am married. I am sure that the second time will definately not be this hard. Here is the pretty crappy email that I sent her back: OOOOOOOOOOOKKK.. The mall thing did not get weird until we got back to your apt. It was fine while we were at the mall! I was just going to stop by for a little bit just to see what you were entering and see how things were going! It wasn't like I was going to stay for hoursI I was just going to stop for a little bit to see how things were. You know, I really want us to be good friends and I think that we still can because after all this time, this is what we should be, in my opinion because we both care for each other and I was just caring! I would still like to keep in touch, but I guess that is not such a good idea according to Tracy. I know that this email sounds s***ty but that upsets me when I am willing to try to be friends and do nice things, but you don't want me to. Adam

[Rachel]

Ace,

 

I think its time for you to be kind to yourself. You are being too harsh on yourself and her.

 

Take some time off. Take a vacation and start fresh.

 

Consider that chapter of your life over and done with.

 

If you have regrets about why that relationship didn't work out, then now is the time to reexamine what the lessons learned from that relationship were.

 

You sound like a terrific person. And I don't think she is a bitch either. I think she is trying to protect her feelings and yours. And if things got weird the other day, then by all means she has EVERY right to say dont' come.

 

I think this lady is trying her best to move on. And I think you don't want her to or yourself to.

 

There are plenty of wonderful women out there. Just when you are not looking, the right one will come your way.

 

Good luck, and let us know how you're doing

[Tony T]

I'll never tell!!!

[Juds]

Good move Ace. The others have given you sound advice.

You do realise that we know have blackmail material against you. You must always do what we say, or your little secret may be revealed.....hehehe LOL

 

Take care, and good luck.

[Ace]

Thanks for the advice and I have sent her another email because I thought that I should at least send her something.

 

Here it is:

 

OK, I am also sorry about the other day. I understand where you are coming from. I was just going to stop by for a little bit to see how you were doing because I have some other things to do anyway. I hope that the art show goes good for you and I hope that people like your work. I am sure they will because you are very creative.

 

Good luck,

 

Adam

[Tony T]

You Email was very nice and kind...but that's the problem here. If you absolutely HAD to send her Email, that's the best you could have done.

 

The better thing would have been to NOT Email her back...to have kept her wondering...to not have shown up at the art show...and to NOT have contacted her in any way for a while. That would have got her wondering...and wanting to call you.

 

Don't worry, one day you'll get the hang of this and maybe even get really good at it. I was exactly the same way in my younger days...probably a lot worse.

[Ace]

OK, it is gone. I thought about not emailing her at all and then that little voice in my head kept telling me that, "You know that you have to email her!". Well, I listened to it and did it, but with your help, Tony, and everyone else's I will be able to get rid of that voice forever and move on. I will continue letting you know what things I do and if you think they aren't appropriate then I will make them better because you are VERY helpful and I need all the help I can get at this point.

 

Thanks again Tony,

 

Adam

[Tony T]

I really and truly understand what you are going through now. I have been there and have made a fool of myself, thousands of times worse than you have contemplated.

 

In the longrun, you will learn that under these circumstances, you need to be very cool and just let things be what they will.

 

When the dust settles, the less you contact this lady, the less you respond to her and the more she thinks you have gotten over her, the more curious she will be as to why. That's where you want her to be.

 

I know it's not easy.

 

Please do what your heart tells you to do after you have read all the advice here...and talked to your friends. Don't do or not do something just because you read it here. It's your life and we're not here to live it for you. Just to give you advice and words from experience for you to evaluate to see what may fit your situation.

 

You made a good decision by unsending that Email. Just stay away from her for now. You'll here from her in good time.

[Ace]

Look up! There is a new continuation. I just wanted to post it up there for those that don't know.

 

I know, you know Tony.

 

Thanks again,

 

Adam

[CAN-CAN]

Here is the best thing for you to do.... Don't try to be her friend. When girls and guys break up the guy always wants to be friends but on the other hand girls tend to move away. She might be having a really hard time with this and so she needs the space. What you need to do is move on. I know it's hard after five years I think it would be hard for anyone, but sometimes it has to end. Another issue is that if you give her - her space then she might come back. She just needs time to think:)

For those that have read my posts, know my situation. Anyway, my gf broke up with me about 2 months ago after 5 years and I am now trying to be friends with her. Anyway, we went to the mall a few days and it was pretty fun, but my feelings came out a little after we got back to her apt and it did get a little weird. Keep in mind that it was pretty fun while we were at the mall. She has an art show that I know really means alot to her and I thought that I would put pride aside and be a nice guy and call and tell her that I was going to be down for a little while just to see how she was doing. She replied back just now and said that since things got weird the other day, it would be best if I didn't come! It pissed me off because I am trying my hardest to be friends with her and she is not even lettting me. I mean, I am not trying to get back with her anymore. I am just trying to be frikkin' friends! Here is the email, see what you guys think:

 

Are you still having that art show on Saturday? If you read this before you Here is her reply: Yes, i am still having the art show on saturday, but i don't think it woulld be a good idea if you come, cause the last time after the tripp to the mall things got a little weird and i don't want that to happen so i think that space right now is the best thing. i am not trying to saay this to be mean i just don''t want tto complicate things right now. i appreciate that you were thought about coming. tracy If she is going to be like this and act like this everytime we see each other, then pardon my french, but ##### her! Even after she has broken up with me, I am trying to be the best guy that I am because I am a nice guy and I still would like to keep in touch. I am sorry, but I guess that I just had to vent because I just read her reply and I would just like to see what you guys thought of this situation because I am trying to keep you guys up to date on what is going on. Adam