How do I tell my mother!?!

[thrutheeyesofRuby]

When I was 8 years old, my mother had a job working overnights at a printing company. Her second husband, a man named Dave Miles, would sneak into my room every night she was gone, and molested me. Two winters in a row.

 

I was told how much my mom would be hurt, how i would end up in a group home, my whole family torn apart, if anyone knew about this secret time. So i held it in. I lived with this man for 10 years after this happened. 10 years of hiding, 10 years of pretending everything was ok. She divorced him and he moved out of state.

 

Now, 8 years after he's been gone, i'm a parent. And having been a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and having a daughter is a pretty scary thing. Terrifying. So, in the interest of self improvement and healing, i started seeing a therapist. Not keeping it a secret is making me feel whole for the first time.

 

Then, a few days ago, my maternal grandmother, who thinks the man was the best person ever (keep in mind nobody but my brothers know about the sexual abuse) my grandmother says to me "You know who would have just loved Ruby (my daughter). Dave." I instantly felt sweaty and sick and horrified. I just got into my car and drove off.

 

It dawned on me, that I have to tell my family the truth. I can not handle having anyone telling me how great of a guy my rapist was anymore. And that has been going on and off for a long time. A child should not feel like they have to protect their parent, parents should console their children.

 

So heres the advice I need. How do I approach them? I understand that i am not dealing with the most well adjusted people, i may be rejected or blamed for what happened. But I need them to acknowledge what I have been through. Also, if i were to, say, want to find a way to press charges or sue my ex step dad, how could i do that?

 

Anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation, your advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tinktronik]

So sorry this happened to you. Have you asked your therapist how to disclose? Perhaps writing a letter so they have some time to digest it without you having to deal with their initial emotions over it.

[thrutheeyesofRuby]

At this point, we're throwing ideas around on how to approach it. im just struggling with how to start.

[tinktronik]

At this point, we're throwing ideas around on how to approach it. im just struggling with how to start.

 

Do you really think they have no idea at all? It seems like you have spent some time with these family members and clearly avoided the topic of "Dave" (you appropriately left when he was brought up by grandma), you likely also avoided contact with him as a child as well no matter how normal you thought you were "pulling off keeping the secret". Unless they are fairly dense surely they have some idea that something was not "right". You've already brought up some abnormal family dynamics and it is not terribly unusual for families to know and pretend they don't. Broaching the topic is sometimes a lot more like a confrontation than a revealing.

 

Really, what is your "feel" for how your family will react to this news?

 

Do you have a plan in place for your own care in the event they behave badly? Do you have a plan in place of how to set appropriate boundaries with them should they devalue you? I think before you proceed you should put some healthy things in place and be ready for whatever comes.

 

I've seen families behave in deplorable ways to their children when it involves child abuse, and the child, now an adult, discloses the "secret". I don't want to suggest that this is what will happen in your case but just to make you aware, as I'm sure you already are, that really it is a difficult subject and can be unpredictable. Hugs.

Edited October 9, 2013 by tinktronik

[2sure]

Tell your Mom alone if you can? It will be hard for her to hear, but will definitely help you move forward. My adult niece just recently went through this with my sister. It isn't a one time conversation , it was an entire process.

 

My sisters reactions were not always what my niece wanted or needed. Eventually I watched them work through defensiveness and guilt and loss and blame. But they did it and their relationship and nieces Emotional well being are both in a good place now.

 

Like you, it was having a daughter of her own that brought everything forth.

[thrutheeyesofRuby]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Honestly, i do not credit anyone in my family reacting in a positive way. I was contemplating having my therapist there while i told them, and my husband, should it go badly. When I told my husband, he held me and told me he loved me and let me cry for hours. I expected that from him, because hes got his emotional well being together. My mom? not so much.

Thank you for pointing out it will be a process. I am sure they already know. But they are denying it, and its good not expect to be a one shot and done deal.

 

Did your neice tell her mom alone, or was there people there to support her?

[tinktronik]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Honestly, i do not credit anyone in my family reacting in a positive way. I was contemplating having my therapist there while i told them, and my husband, should it go badly. When I told my husband, he held me and told me he loved me and let me cry for hours. I expected that from him, because hes got his emotional well being together. My mom? not so much.

Thank you for pointing out it will be a process. I am sure they already know. But they are denying it, and its good not expect to be a one shot and done deal.

 

Did your neice tell her mom alone, or was there people there to support her?

 

I'm really so sorry to hear that your family may not react appropriately. Often it has far, far less to do with you than it does with them.

 

Your husband did react appropriately. Do you mind if I ask what it is you hope to happen once you tell them? Do you think there is any possibility that they will give you what you need, i.e. stop bringing up your abuser and communicating with him and offering you any support at all?

 

My own family is warped in this way too, the amount of disregard and rug sweeping they are able to do to keep even ancillary, abusive people in their lives is astounding and I suspect it is simply to keep the family dysfunction in place and ticking along for some private need they have. I've found that keeping them far at arms length, if not further, is the healthier option now that I have my own children that I don't want to pass this dynamic on to.

[thrutheeyesofRuby]

All I want is for them to know. I feel like if it's said out loud then they can't bring it up to me anymore, and mostly I just dont want to hold it in anymore.

[loversquarrel]

As far as pressing charges or a lawsuit....very, very difficult as any lawyer will tell you. You can always try, but be prepared for this a-hole's attorney to make you out to be some effed up greedy step child. If you do decide to go this route, consult with a good family attorney, then possibly a D.A.. They will direct you with the correct course of action. I wish you luck, I have a friend who I am extremely close to that was a victim of child sex abuse. It sickens me the sick *****s out there that do this shyt. Sorry if I am so pessimistic, I don't have alot of faith in our judiciary system.