NickFeek Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Hi everyone. A very helpful member & follower of my previous thread suggested I start a new one, to update whomever might be interested in what's happened since I last posted. For those of you masochistic (or interested) enough to want to know the history, you can find my old thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/274558-25-years-together-time-end Be warned, it's 108 pages!! My ex and I are weeks away from a divorce. We're going the mediator route, because there's nothing at all we're in contention about. The kids have all adjusted quite well, though it's been hardest on my daughter. Then again, being a teen is hard PERIOD. But overall the kids & I have reconnected in many of the old ways, and connected in some great new ways. I found a new home less than two blocks from my ex & kids, and that's been a huge help with the transition. I've dated off & on since I left on December 31, 2012, almost exclusively from an online dating site. SO many adjustments, both internally & externally, as I'm sure any of you who've been through this know. The toughest for me are/were: living alone for the first time in my life ever; learning to date again for the first time as an adult ever; disconnecting my emotional life/state/journey from any other person - doing more self-regulating & self-soothing; and learning to accept that I have less idea of what my future will be than at any time in my entire life, by FAR. My ex and I are getting along very well all things considered, and though we miss things about each other, we still agree this is the right thing for both of us. I'm sure there are tons of other things I have to say, but for now I just wanted to kick things off. Hope all of you are doing well!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Nick - It's so great to see you update your thread. One gets invested in certain journeys and wonders what happened when the posts stop. I was curious about how you two were faring. I followed your massive 108 page thread from its inception. It's very late here now, so I should sleep, but I shall most more tomorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 I'm glad to hear your divorce is hostile. That's always better for the children. Are you two in agreement about how to split assets? Your wife's speciality isn't family law, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 NOT hostile you mean . No her specialty is insurance law. But this is really a non-issue because we have no assets! I have a question for you/everyone. Has anyone here been separated/divorced and found that, in the year immediately following, the ex/kids/assets aspect of things actually transitions well, but the other things in your life end up in some state of disarray? That's kind of what I'm going through now. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Like what Nick? Thanks for the update BTW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Hey trippi! Well maybe it's more accurate to say the other things FEEL like they're in disarray. Without revealing too much, let's just say career and love life. I'm dating with a good degree of success, but nothing or no one feels right. Things are moving along steadily in the career, but I'm not enjoying it. Everything feels off kilter. I feel out of place. Some days or nights I'm just flat out sad or panicky. Is that just a function of not ever having been single in my adult life? Something else as well? It's been almost ten months and I don't know which end is up. I can say more, but wanted to get everyone's take on this first. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Hey Nick! I can identify with feeling out of place and learning to use our wobbly single legs as adults. Sort of daunting for me to become accustomed to the idea of dating, but I am trusting that with all change it takes time. It took time for me to transition into being a wife, so am being gentle with myself. For me it is important to be honest but also challenge myself to embrace that just because life may be unfamiliar, it does not mean life is not good.....a New Good. Hang in there...you deserve happiess. ~Mystery Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 I'm very and truly sorry to hear this. 25 years is an amazing accomplishment. I'm sorry it ended and I wish you the best. Thank you! It was and is tragic & heartbreaking, and I'm still recovering as you can see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Hey Nick! I can identify with feeling out of place and learning to use our wobbly single legs as adults. Sort of daunting for me to become accustomed to the idea of dating, but I am trusting that with all change it takes time. It took time for me to transition into being a wife, so am being gentle with myself. For me it is important to be honest but also challenge myself to embrace that just because life may be unfamiliar, it does not mean life is not good.....a New Good. Hang in there...you deserve happiess. ~Mystery Thank you! I've been burned this year already, so that's maybe clouded the waters as far as dating goes. But I'm back out there hoping to feel another spark one of these days. One thing I've discovered big time is I'm very much the pairing off time, and so this single life - while freeing and exhilarating in some ways - is just really disconcerting. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Nick - It's actually "normal" if you can call it that. I don't think it is much different if you were left or were the one leaving these days....either way, someone has felt abandoned. Look around at the latest stories....those who walked (or are walking away) felt abandoned in some way, so..........the moral is to just enjoy your life, define your happiness within and be grateful if someone wants to share it..even if briefly. Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug....... Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug....... lol!.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Thank you! I've been burned this year already, so that's maybe clouded the waters as far as dating goes. But I'm back out there hoping to feel another spark one of these days. One thing I've discovered big time is I'm very much the pairing off time, and so this single life - while freeing and exhilarating in some ways - is just really disconcerting. Ya, most of us are the pairing off type.......just gotta find someone you wanta pair off with, is the thing! Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Want my opinion, Nick? Stay single for now, and be happy single. It amazes me how fast people want to replace what they just lost, when the real key is to be OK all by yourself. It amazes me that people, like you and I Nick, want to recreate another relationship knowing that we recently got our hearts torn out and stomped into the ground. Screw that! I now do what I want, when I want to. If a woman comes along, great, but I will not search one out. I don't care enough to care. And once you stop caring, is when you are prepared to find the proper woman. Once you stop caring, and are happy with yourself, is when you don't go on dates with some chick that has seven kids from seven fathers. Once you don't care anymore, is when it will all happen. You cannot plan it, as it is like a lottery... Random. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Thank you! I've been burned this year already, so that's maybe clouded the waters as far as dating goes. But I'm back out there hoping to feel another spark one of these days. One thing I've discovered big time is I'm very much the pairing off time, and so this single life - while freeing and exhilarating in some ways - is just really disconcerting. I'm glad to see you here - and hope you continue to grow! Find ways to be focused on the moment you are in. Focus on being happy in that moment - all on your own. It's best if you're happy on your own and offer your happy self to someone you consider dating. Like energy attracts - you want to attract an unhappy or discontented gal? I wouldn't think so. Are you seeing a counselor? And what do you mean you got burned already? What happened with that? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Hey trippi! Well maybe it's more accurate to say the other things FEEL like they're in disarray. Without revealing too much, let's just say career and love life. I'm dating with a good degree of success, but nothing or no one feels right. Things are moving along steadily in the career, but I'm not enjoying it. Everything feels off kilter. I feel out of place. Some days or nights I'm just flat out sad or panicky. Is that just a function of not ever having been single in my adult life? Something else as well? It's been almost ten months and I don't know which end is up. I can say more, but wanted to get everyone's take on this first. Thanks! Twenty-five years is a long time Nick, you get into a routine where your life was one thing and now it's totally changed. If I recall correctly, there were great things about your marriage over the years and then there was the end of it where you weren't happy. While a lot of that was placed on her working too much, not spending enough time with you and the family and her aversion to sex (which I believe you had an affair if I remember correctly), those things were where the unhappiness in you settled. Single life, can be very unhappy as well, it's what you make of it as now you have to have less expectations of other people and more of yourself to define that happiness. Net/Net - If you are unhappy still, well, you may want to look at what you expected single life to be and be okay with the fact that only you can make yourself happy. What is Ms. Nick Feek doing these days? Still working just as much? Is she settling in to being a single career mom well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Nick - It's actually "normal" if you can call it that. I don't think it is much different if you were left or were the one leaving these days....either way, someone has felt abandoned. Look around at the latest stories....those who walked (or are walking away) felt abandoned in some way, so..........the moral is to just enjoy your life, define your happiness within and be grateful if someone wants to share it..even if briefly. Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug....... Thanks trippi. Now I have to get to the point where I am consistently enjoying life. Guess that takes time too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Twenty-five years is a long time Nick, you get into a routine where your life was one thing and now it's totally changed. If I recall correctly, there were great things about your marriage over the years and then there was the end of it where you weren't happy. While a lot of that was placed on her working too much, not spending enough time with you and the family and her aversion to sex (which I believe you had an affair if I remember correctly), those things were where the unhappiness in you settled. Single life, can be very unhappy as well, it's what you make of it as now you have to have less expectations of other people and more of yourself to define that happiness. Net/Net - If you are unhappy still, well, you may want to look at what you expected single life to be and be okay with the fact that only you can make yourself happy. What is Ms. Nick Feek doing these days? Still working just as much? Is she settling in to being a single career mom well? She's working as hard as ever. Coping as best she can. Has trouble wit things I used to do for us, but is learning. Gets overwhelmed but makes it work. Diehard changed one bit on any of the major issues we had, and I'm confident we will eventually both be better off. I did have expectations for the year, some of which went unfulfilled, some of which went better than expected. All a process of learning anew who I am and what I want. Just at a low ebb at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Want my opinion, Nick? Stay single for now, and be happy single. It amazes me how fast people want to replace what they just lost, when the real key is to be OK all by yourself. It amazes me that people, like you and I Nick, want to recreate another relationship knowing that we recently got our hearts torn out and stomped into the ground. Screw that! I now do what I want, when I want to. If a woman comes along, great, but I will not search one out. I don't care enough to care. And once you stop caring, is when you are prepared to find the proper woman. Once you stop caring, and are happy with yourself, is when you don't go on dates with some chick that has seven kids from seven fathers. Once you don't care anymore, is when it will all happen. You cannot plan it, as it is like a lottery... Random. Thanks truckin. I agree wholeheartedly, and am learning the slow and hard way how tough it is to let go and not care. I'm in too much of a rush to recover I think Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 I'm glad to see you here - and hope you continue to grow! Find ways to be focused on the moment you are in. Focus on being happy in that moment - all on your own. It's best if you're happy on your own and offer your happy self to someone you consider dating. Like energy attracts - you want to attract an unhappy or discontented gal? I wouldn't think so. Are you seeing a counselor? And what do you mean you got burned already? What happened with that? I agree with that first paragraph, and have made a point of dating only casually, and being clear I'm not in the right place to consider a long term relationship. And yes I am absolutely in therapy. Went back to the counselor who tried to help out our marriage, since she knows the history and already has insight into things. Burned: dated someone for five months who claimed to want to his it a real try, but then bailed on me and us for some pretty flimsy reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) You're learning a new mindset - a new way to live life Nick. I hope your goal is to be completely fulfilled all on your own. Otherwise, you may just be offering your unhappy self to those around you... What do you need from women - and how can you get that from yourself? Edited October 16, 2013 by 2sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 You're learning a new mindset - a new way to live life Nick. I hope your goal is to be completely fulfilled all on your own. Otherwise, you may just be offering your unhappy self to those around you... What do you need from women - and how can you get that from yourself? Listen I'm no babe in the woods. I understand what it means to be self regulating and self soothing. I spend lots of time alone and enjoy a good deal of it. I also know I have some learning still to do, simply because I've never been alone in the broader sense of the word. My doctor is right who she says there are people who are just naturally connectors. Whether you believe in god or a universal force or nothing at all, I am positive the our time on this earth is greatly enhanced and enriched by sharing it with others. For some having friends or extended family or kids is enough. For others, like me, it's having that one special person who stands above all others, to share or joke or hang it be silent or any of the normal couples things. I have been doing my best to take this time to grow as a single person, to learn and to be stronger. And one thing I've discovered for certain is I prefer to live life with a companion. Having said they, I will be ultra sure the next person I and up with is a better match. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Can you identify what "a better match" might look like for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Can you identify what "a better match" might look like for you? Probably not yet. I'm sure I can think of some traits, but it's like you said. I'm not in the best of places now, so I wouldn't want to start creating a good match in my head with the energy I have. Link to post Share on other sites
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