LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 So I just got a random middle of the night call waking me saying that MM is moving out. We spoke for an hour mostly me trying to understand what's going on and him upset about leaving his kids. He claims he's had enough of him and BS not getting along, etc etc. so he left, went to stay with family. What do I do? I'm not totally blinded and know this could all blow over, he's never actually left before so who knows. I told him I'll be here if he needs to talk but he should really take time to think about everything so I'm giving him space and not running to be by his side. I didn't want to seem neglectful, I just didn't know what is the best thing to do right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 no one moves out at that time. i'd say it's more likely he got thrown out... as for what you should do? go back to sleep. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 He didn't technically move out, he left and says he's moving out. This could be a blessing in disguise for many reasons. If he decides to work on things with the bs then I would be free to move forward I suppose, I love him but know that if he wants to work on their relationship fate has other plans for me, I would be destroyed emotionally, but I know that would pass too in time and IC. He's never left before, and yeah there is a good chance the bs 'threw him out' i guess, but I do know there wasn't a big issue that caused this just the consistent grinding of he and bs bickering and the distance in their emotional connection made their situation pivot tonight. He says he knew staying for the kids sake wasn't going to last forever. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My question is, are you ok? It's quite possible he's just had enough and he finally found the door. Make him stand on his own two feet before letting him run to you. If you need to talk you know where to reach me. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Your response is the right thing IMO. Ear of support when necessary but you won't be fixing his life. Further: he hasn't moved out as you said. He had a fight and left at 3am....that's not moving out. Moving out is moving his stuff and having a new place to move into. I assume once whatever it is blows over he will be back home, so I think it's good to not get too caught up. Wait and see if this results in actual change or just a temporary "I'm running away from home at 3 am, with no clothes or anything" tantrum, which is how it seems. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 He didn't technically move out, he left and says he's moving out. This could be a blessing in disguise for many reasons. If he decides to work on things with the bs then I would be free to move forward I suppose, I love him but know that if he wants to work on their relationship fate has other plans for me, I would be destroyed emotionally, but I know that would pass too in time and IC. He's never left before, and yeah there is a good chance the bs 'threw him out' i guess, but I do know there wasn't a big issue that caused this just the consistent grinding of he and bs bickering and the distance in their emotional connection made their situation pivot tonight. He says he knew staying for the kids sake wasn't going to last forever. If a few days pass and he is still making steps to move out, I would take him seriously then. When we are angry and in states of high emotional arousal, we often say and do things we do not mean only to experience regret and take them back later. I just don't want you to get your hopes up that he is finally leaving only for it to turn out to be nothing and let you down. I agree that it may be a blessing in disguise for you no matter how it turns out. If she comes to him a few days from now begging for forgiveness and he goes back to her, I think it's time for you to move on. In my experience, making up with a SO always involves kissing and hugging and snuggling and make-up sex. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. At this point, the door is wide open for him to leave. They both seem to realize that things are not working. To prove his loyalty to you, he needs to take the plunge now. She will be fine without him, and I'm sure he knows it. Divorce rates and marital problems are very common among police officers. She will always have her fellow officers for support, and many of them have probably gone through similar situations. Police officers have a reputation of being "married to the job" because they are forced to always be on call for emergencies, work long hours, and work irregular schedules that often force them to be away from their family in uniform on weekends and holidays. You have said that she is a smart lady, and these things are made very clear to recruits at the academy. It's not as though she didn't know that going in to the job. It is good that he went to family and not you last night. If your daughter was home, I imagine it would have been very confusing and stressful for her to be woken up to that. Keep doing what you're doing. Support him but give him space to think clearly about what he really wants for himself and his family. Most of all, take care of yourself and guard your heart. You don't deserve to be tortured with false hope. I know you love and care about him, but you need to maintain as much space as possible from their problems for your own sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Thanks for all the kind responses. We spoke again this morning and he seems so off, very sad about "leaving his kids" I told him he needs to really think this over and that with kids quality is more important than quantity, cause they probably would rather spend time with their parents happy over time with the parents living under the same roof but constantly bickering. I kept my love for him out of it, he already knows I love him.... I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to sway his decision. I'm surprised by myself not jumping to be by his side. It's truly a fork in the road situation cause if he stays it's because he wants to be with her, and work on things with her. When he and I got together in was on the pretence that he and her were 'roommates' and blah blah blah. I know a lot of posters here assume the OW is #2 , although that's not how MM and my R was, if he decides to feed his M I will respectfully step aside and let him do so and move on myself. I feel ok with this oddly but maybe it's just shock speaking mixed with trying to do the right things. I don't want to loose him, but that's not my choice right now. I know he should leave as if what he tells me is true it can't be good for the kids.... Part of me wishes I could shake him and wake him up to that. I hope I'll be ok either way. I told him to take the day and really think about everything but this is really a pivotal point, he needs to make some possibly hard choices. I might be destroyed if he chooses to stay miserable over seeking independent happiness. I hope I can be strong and walk if he chooses to stay cause I know I've been the perfect marital bandage as far as he's concerned. They fought dramatically less since I've been with him, if I walk he and I will both loose . I'm not even wishing he will leave for good oddly, I'm too confused. Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Is there a part of you that is freaked out by him becoming available? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Lime, I don't know. It's just very sudden and confusing because there was no big event that caused this, it's wasn't a 'blow out'. I guess I always assumed that I would know if he was going to actually leave her. He said he just had a 'realization'. He says there was no big fight he was thinking, went and put on a piece of jewellery I bought him and wearing it he felt the strength to tell her he can't keep living like this, then she told him she doesn't need him to just leave and he said he was already gone and left. Idk, I have been silently wishing and praying for awhile that he would make a choice and figure out what he wants in life, so I can move into a more sustainable relationship, lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Lime, I don't know. It's just very sudden and confusing because there was no big event that caused this, it's wasn't a 'blow out'. I guess I always assumed that I would know if he was going to actually leave her. He said he just had a 'realization'. He says there was no big fight he was thinking, went and put on a piece of jewellery I bought him and wearing it he felt the strength to tell her he can't keep living like this, then she told him she doesn't need him to just leave and he said he was already gone and left. Idk, I have been silently wishing and praying for awhile that he would make a choice and figure out what he wants in life, so I can move into a more sustainable relationship, lifestyle. Sorry, but I don't buy that. No one ups and leaves at 3am without a big blow out. If he's telling you that he just unilaterally made this choice at 3am and left to go stay at his family's house without a blow up..he's lying to you. I'd suspect she threw him out, if that's what he's telling you. If he'd made choice to leave on his own, unprompted by a fight...he'd have done it at a 'normal' hour. This doesn't add up to me. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 I know a lot of people here don't like me. I know that everything about me is 'out of MMs league'. Heck it took awhile to convince him in the beginning that 'someone like me' could be so interested and attracted to 'someone like him'. He beat the 'why me' horse to death a year ago in the beginning. I know I don't need him to live life. I have accomplished a lot on my own, I don't know I'm just really confused I keep jumping all of your place in this thread I just know that I have to stand firm and that if he stays it'll be because she wants to work on things with her. In my mind I need to take that decision as a break up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I agree with Owl. I suspect he left impulsively during a dramatic fight. He was all inflated at the moment, but after a day or so at Mom and Dad's...he'll be back home like nothing has changed. Do NOT read into this like it means something. I'm sorry. Call me jaded, but I doubt he is any closer to divorce than he was last week. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Goodbye you're right I would be a fool to think otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 How does him choosing to go home after a fight differ from any other time? It's still a choice he makes each time. That's what I'd be asking myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 I guess a part of it was the delivery that had me confused he didn't seem emotional whatsoever which is kind of off when he's going through something and he was just very matter fact and monotone Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 And he is still keeping you a secret. Wouldn't it have made more sense, as an adult, to go to you? He chose his parents, because his W could reach him there and he'd not be in more trouble. Again, speculation...but it is telling. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 My question is, are you ok? It's quite possible he's just had enough and he finally found the door. Make him stand on his own two feet before letting him run to you. If you need to talk you know where to reach me. Good luck. Thanks girl xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Sigh It's been such a long day.... I feel like he is a different person. I think he hit a breaking point. He says he needs to keep looking for a place to live, he's been searching all day for something close to his kids. He and BS concluded enough is enough with them and going to decide this evening how the separation is going to work. It seems very sudden as he never did the future faking stuff, so as I hoped we would be together I tried to not get my hopes up, as I will continue to do, I'm not naive and know this could go in many directions Sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Don't hold your breath. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My best advice, is you keep living your life and let him work this through. He may be leaving, he may not. It takes weeks to hash things out and he needs to do this. I would lend an ear but he doesn't need to do this on the strength of your back. Depending on state, area, I don't agree with the logic of the divorce papers, as you may be waiting a very long year or more, but I would make sure separation is established. The separation/divorce process is very hard and very emotional for all sides. My advice to my husband was talk to your IC, and reach out to your family for support. It is a total life transformation and a roller coaster ride. Just breath and know that what ever happens doesn't happen overnight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Yes I'm trying to stay at bay with everything. I don't want this to be a him and I vs her thing. I still haven't seen him face to face yet, that part is really tough, it's killing me to not see him right now. We usually spend time together on avg every other day. I'm trying to not get in the dugout. I'm literally biting my nails trying to pass time, and I'm not a nail biter lol. I'm so stressed out. Blahhh Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yes I'm trying to stay at bay with everything. I don't want this to be a him and I vs her thing. I still haven't seen him face to face yet, that part is really tough, it's killing me to not see him right now. We usually spend time together on avg every other day. I'm trying to not get in the dugout. I'm literally biting my nails trying to pass time, and I'm not a nail biter lol. I'm so stressed out. Blahhh Can understand why this would be a very stressful time, LilGirlandOW. Sounds as if you are handling it well, though, by letting him go through this in his own time and way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Wow what a random way to leave. You said you haven't seen him yet since this all went down. I was kind of surprised he went to his family's house instead of yours. Is he trying to leave you out of it as much as he can? Or is he begging to see you? Or just too engulfed with his home situation to really add on his OW right now? Just trying to get a sense of what his attitude seems to be about your relationship. Hope you're hanging in there Lil. I know my stomach would be in endless knots if I was in your shoes waiting to see how these next few days play out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 The night he left I was out at my moms so he didn't want to go to my empty house I guess? I'm killing myself trying to stay a step away so he can process this. He's been very quiet but said he's just getting used to not being with his kids all the time. He asked to meet me for coffee in the morning, I said ok. Will be easier to gauge what's going on then. I would've never asked him to leave. I kind of don't know how to handle him leaving. I'm also not stupid I know that this is all change in the blink of an eye. But I've never heard him so sure and serious about anything before, all the reasons he's giving me for leaving come from the list he gave me for staying in the M in the beginning. I've always had mixed feelings about us as a full time couple, but I'm gonna burn that bridge when it gets here. I'm really just happy the whole ordeal going on doesn't have to do with me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 And he is still keeping you a secret. Wouldn't it have made more sense, as an adult, to go to you? He chose his parents, because his W could reach him there and he'd not be in more trouble. Again, speculation...but it is telling. To be fair it's only been a day or two? I've lost time and since everything happened my minutes, hours, days are running over each other. But I would hope professing his love about me would be one of the last things on his mind, and that's ok with me. I'm not looking to waltz in and rub our relationship in her face no matter how done they are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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