Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Lol my English sounds broken when I read back some of my recent posts. My computers not working and I'm using my tablet to photos and it has auto correct LOL Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Sorry, but I don't buy that. No one ups and leaves at 3am without a big blow out. If he's telling you that he just unilaterally made this choice at 3am and left to go stay at his family's house without a blow up..he's lying to you. I'd suspect she threw him out, if that's what he's telling you. If he'd made choice to leave on his own, unprompted by a fight...he'd have done it at a 'normal' hour. This doesn't add up to me. I agree - and we all know he lies. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Lilgirl, from what I have read on here, the relationships that survive after D Day are those where the AP doesn't have the WS move in straight away, but gives time for a transition from married to separated. I have left two marriages and the early days are a hurricane of differing emotions, it would be easy to be caught up in all that and get swept along. I think your stepping back a little is probably the right hing to do. As to why he seemed distant, I think any separation is difficult and takes time to adjust, it can also be scary. I hope it all works out for you all. If he goes back, will you continue with the A? Maybe some AP's who have weathered this time can give you some advice as to what next, some have gone on to have long term relationships and marriages after an A, most of those have a plan or have set boundaries to protect themselves and to move on from an A to an open relationship. Whatever happens, do what is right for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 I guess if he is actually leaving and going forward to separating and whatnot then I would give us a chance I think I owe him/us that. although if he decides to stay and work on things with her then I hope I would walk away as he's always conveyed the fact that he doesn't care about his marriage and is not in love with his wife it's always been about the kids so I suppose if he wanted to work on things of her then that would be a evidence said he does care about his marriage and I hope I wouldn't stick around to be his number two, I hope I would use him working on his M as fate telling me it's time to move on Link to post Share on other sites
TheOW Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 This was the same for my xMM he "loved" his wife in the sense that she was a good woman but he wasn't in love with her nor did he desire her. But the thought of walking away from what he had sickened him he was nearly 50 and divorcing, separating the kids, finances etc etc were just too much. Men like the simple life and as long as it's simple and easy for them they won't leave no matter how much the love you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I don't know your story, at all, just this thread. You are all over the place, which is not a good place to be, for making decisions; big ones like this. My advice, take care of you (yeah yeah yeah, we all always say that), but it's true. Let him figure out whatever he needs to figure out, on his own. I would even go NC for a week or two, or longer, and tell him you are so BOTH of you can figure things out. You have said things like "give us a chance", which suggests to me you don't know if you are even 100% in to him. I did not understand your "out of his league" comment. I am assuming you are a very attractive woman, and he thinks you are out of his league? I am kind of going through this now with a FWB, who is probably more than a FWB as I do like her, just not ready to date her. Last night she said "I know all of your women before me must have been beautiful and attractive, and I am not". She also talks negatively about her body, her breasts, hips, etc. I think she is smoking hot, gorgeous, and her body, WOW. I tell her this and she always says "You do not have to say that just to make me feel good". She tells me "I picture you with a hot, blonde, blued eyed big breasted woman". My guess is she saw public photos of me and my ex gf on my FB page (my FWB and I are not Facebook friends) as she was a tall, blue eyed, very attractiv, buxom blonde. What's interesting with this girl, is when we started hanging out she was in a relationship. I eventually told her I did not want to be the other man, and, at the time I thought I wanted to date her. Since that talk, and we stopped hanging out, her relationship ended, she contacted me, she proposed hanging out and having sex. I have never had a FWB, thought about it, agreed, and I am having a great time with her. And, I don't want to date her, so things kind of worked out. I share this with you as I am "hearing" you probably really do not want to date this man...that maybe part of the attraction, probably like me, was he was not available, and it was safe for you. Good luck! You sound like a ground person who has a good head on her shoulders. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 My advice to you would be not to have any contact with him for awhile. Here's why. He left, which is a step in the right direction for your relationship. But 99% of men don't leave for someone else. They leave because the situation is unbearable. He needs to be alone and realize what life is really like living alone, not seeing his kids on a daily basis. Not having the accommodations and accoutrements he has at the house. You being there to talk, is setting you up for complete devastation. Because you have hope.... Live your life as you would without him. Actions speak louder than words. No matter how much he loves you and he does, is he so fed up that he will divorce his wife. And that decision cannot be made until he is separated and left alone. When I was thrown out of my house and I didn't see my wife and kids, nor could I speak with my AP, who was married, I got my head out of my sphincter really quickly. So don't get your hopes up, he'll be back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 So we met this morning. He says when he got to his house after work yesterday there was a random car in his driveway turns out the bs had an appraiser there to get something drawn up about the house and that they already have an appt with a divorce lawyer for this week He seems calm and confident he's doing the right thing, he says she feels the same way. I guess we'll see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I'm just holding on for the ride. Still a little in shock. Apparently they already hashed out a lot of details and are in agreement with the custody of the kids. Seems like she got the appraiser there quite fast. I wonder if she was planning this? Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I feel like you are one of the rare women on here, who's MM was honest about his intentions and reasons for being in his marriage. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 It is seeming that way, I always doubted him just reading around here typical A behaviour. It's almost to good to be true so I don't want to set myself up for major letdown, I have to proceed with caution. He says he wants to wait until the divorce is final for us to be a couple in front of the kids, which I agree with. He's seemed to have put a lot of thought and planning together in time since everything happened Again this could all change in a second right? Separation and divorce are complicated and confusing Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 And he is still keeping you a secret. Wouldn't it have made more sense, as an adult, to go to you? He chose his parents, because his W could reach him there and he'd not be in more trouble. Again, speculation...but it is telling. Thank you. This is what I don't understand - why haven't you offered for him to come be with you? Isn't this what you wanted out of the affair to be with him? Also why withhold sex now that he is out of the home? You had no problem giving him sex when he was living with his wife, why stop now? What are you hoping to gain by withholding at this point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It is seeming that way, I always doubted him just reading around here typical A behaviour. It's almost to good to be true so I don't want to set myself up for major letdown, I have to proceed with caution. He says he wants to wait until the divorce is final for us to be a couple in front of the kids, which I agree with. He's seemed to have put a lot of thought and planning together in time since everything happened Again this could all change in a second right? Separation and divorce are complicated and confusing I can't state enough that this man needs to be alone, without you, right now. Again. I don't know your story, but he is going to be an emotional mess, and you will be a stable person for him to lean on, someone who is safe. He needs to stand on his own feet, alone, and go thru this, alone. I was this way when my marriage ended, I moved out (no affairs in our marriage) and the first woman I met/dated, unfortunately became my rebound. I recently dated a woman who was 3 months out of a 6+ year relationship/engagement when we met, and she was going thru a lot of transitions (see my posts about her). I saw this, talked to her about it, and she assured me she was fine, stable, ready for a relationship. I ended up breaking up with her after 12 months, telling her she had a lot she needed to work on. It took her a while, but she has since agreed and even apologized for putting me thru her "transition". She continues to contact me every week or two to keep me posted on her improvements. Good for her is what I say/think, I have moved on. Be careful...think of you, and only you. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thank you. This is what I don't understand - why haven't you offered for him to come be with you? Isn't this what you wanted out of the affair to be with him? Also why withhold sex now that he is out of the home? You had no problem giving him sex when he was living with his wife, why stop now? What are you hoping to gain by withholding at this point? Please do not offer your home to him! This man needs to be alone! He needs to get into therapy too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thank you. This is what I don't understand - why haven't you offered for him to come be with you? Isn't this what you wanted out of the affair to be with him? Also why withhold sex now that he is out of the home? You had no problem giving him sex when he was living with his wife, why stop now? What are you hoping to gain by withholding at this point? She's gaining not being set up to be devastated. When the man leaves his wife, the hasty irrational thought is, hey, he's w/ me now and we'll live happily ever after. Under the guise of an affair, there is a security in that you are just the other woman When he becomes single, now you think, here is my opportunity. But what happens is the man is by himself, he starts thinking. How are my kids? I hate my living situation, I'm broke paying for two places, child support, alimony. These pressures make the man wonder if the grass is really greener. Most times it's not. Also, OW only sees MOM on his best behavior. She doesn't get to see his bad side, how he reacts to pressure, etc. So it's smart to wait until man decides he really, really wants to break up his marriage and family. It's smart of the OW to back off. That way, she doesn't get hurt because she has a 5% chance of succeeding unless the ink is dry on the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I'm just holding on for the ride. Still a little in shock. Apparently they already hashed out a lot of details and are in agreement with the custody of the kids. Seems like she got the appraiser there quite fast. I wonder if she was planning this? I would actually consider this a very bad sign. I think she has evidence of the affair, has been planning this for a while, and is going to smack him in the face by filing for D on grounds of adultery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I guess if he is actually leaving and going forward to separating and whatnot then I would give us a chance I think I owe him/us that. although if he decides to stay and work on things with her then I hope I would walk away as he's always conveyed the fact that he doesn't care about his marriage and is not in love with his wife it's always been about the kids so I suppose if he wanted to work on things of her then that would be a evidence said he does care about his marriage and I hope I wouldn't stick around to be his number two, I hope I would use him working on his M as fate telling me it's time to move on Why leave it up to fate? Take CONTROL instead of waiting. He hasn't technically moved out yet. He is still very married. What's with this "I would hope" train of thought? You walk away period. If/when he divorces, then you consider dating him in a proper way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 It's not so much an issue of withholding sex from him. As him leaving was a total shock to me I wanted to give him the chance to soak it all in in his own time. Also with our children being friends it's tough there too. As soon as she gets wind of me if she doesn't know already ****s gonna hit the fan as she's already had questions of us back 8mnths ago Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Why leave it up to fate? Take CONTROL instead of waiting. He hasn't technically moved out yet. He is still very married. What's with this "I would hope" train of thought? You walk away period. If/when he divorces, then you consider dating him in a proper way. I can't do this, the best I can do is go to our roots which is great friends and help him emotionally when he needs it Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It is seeming that way, I always doubted him just reading around here typical A behaviour. It's almost to good to be true so I don't want to set myself up for major letdown, I have to proceed with caution. He says he wants to wait until the divorce is final for us to be a couple in front of the kids, which I agree with. He's seemed to have put a lot of thought and planning together in time since everything happened Again this could all change in a second right? Separation and divorce are complicated and confusing Since the wife has made up her mind also, I would say the D will happen. Is there a possibility she looked up your number from all the texts and knows of the A? He could be withholding info from you to protect you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Since the wife has made up her mind also, I would say the D will happen. Is there a possibility she looked up your number from all the texts and knows of the A? He could be withholding info from you to protect you. That's another thing, I posted it here awhile back we had what I considered a mini d-day about 8mnths back where my number was all over his phone records, since then he doesn't get detailed billing so I don't know what she knows further. Like I always said I can't understand how she doesn't know, at the same time I have to reason to think she does know of us. Good thing is he seems really confident and in a text thread we had going on today says his reasons for leaving are: A, the fighting/lack of love is horrible for the kids to see B, he's happy and in love with me and it's not fair to her, me or him to continue living a lie C, his family and friends supports his decision and he hasn't come across anybody who disagrees. The general consensus is, it's what's best. D, he's come clean to his superior at work about the separation/divorce who is willing to make concessions to allow him time to rebalance his personal life Again I'm shocked, I never saw this coming Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 She's gaining not being set up to be devastated. When the man leaves his wife, the hasty irrational thought is, hey, he's w/ me now and we'll live happily ever after. Under the guise of an affair, there is a security in that you are just the other woman When he becomes single, now you think, here is my opportunity. But what happens is the man is by himself, he starts thinking. How are my kids? I hate my living situation, I'm broke paying for two places, child support, alimony. These pressures make the man wonder if the grass is really greener. Most times it's not. Also, OW only sees MOM on his best behavior. She doesn't get to see his bad side, how he reacts to pressure, etc. So it's smart to wait until man decides he really, really wants to break up his marriage and family. It's smart of the OW to back off. That way, she doesn't get hurt because she has a 5% chance of succeeding unless the ink is dry on the divorce. All of the above sounds reasonable but the truth is the smart thing would have been to not get involved with this married man until he's divorced. Why protect herself now that he is out of the house? If she is going to be with him they both need to see each other at their worse. Why abandon when the shyt hit's the fan? That doesn't seem fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 I agree it wouldn't be fair to leave him here and now. The A being right or wrong is a whole other discussion. If what's happening keeps happening then I think he's doing the honourable thing and I appreciate and respect that. He knows I'll always be there. He's been very distant and short with our calls and texts but today, our first time seeing each other since everything happened he showed up and was so sweet and seemed so free, so sure and happy about the future. Even went shopping for furnishings for his new place. After school he gets the kids till bedtime then he and her swap out and he and I have plans to spends some time watching a. Movie and doing some silly fun stuff This morning he said he wanted to plan a vacation for us, says we'll talk about it more tonight Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I just dont know how some of you OW do it. Im not even talking about waiting or wondering if he will leave. Its the drama I would have no patience for. Complaining, leaving, staying, DDays, conflict, decisions. It is not only unappealing for me to think of being involved with all that... But, it would just turn me off. It would make me feel like he couldnt solve problems, couldnt get his life together, couldnt make hard decisions. Traits like that bother me a lot, Im not saying they arent common issues, just that...to deal with that crap, plus make the other sacrifices an affair entails... I couldnt do it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I agree it wouldn't be fair to leave him here and now. The A being right or wrong is a whole other discussion. If what's happening keeps happening then I think he's doing the honourable thing and I appreciate and respect that. He knows I'll always be there. He's been very distant and short with our calls and texts but today, our first time seeing each other since everything happened he showed up and was so sweet and seemed so free, so sure and happy about the future. Even went shopping for furnishings for his new place. After school he gets the kids till bedtime then he and her swap out and he and I have plans to spends some time watching a. Movie and doing some silly fun stuff This morning he said he wanted to plan a vacation for us, says we'll talk about it more tonight This is so sweet My .02, what you're doing is the right thing for you... i.e. not inserting yourself in his D and marital issues. to do so would lump you into that negativity. keeping out of it separates your R (no longer A?) from the M. I disagree with the posters suggesting you "stand by your man" during this awful time, some distance is good esp. for your future together. What his wife knows or doesn't is no longer relevant. they are done who cares. Link to post Share on other sites
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