3am and MM's moving out. Now what?

[Got it]

Unless there is such a thing as a mind eraser, their actions will have some impact on her life.

 

I try very hard to think about how I treat people. I always put myself in their shoes. I have utmost respect for everyone. But at times, people have taken my kindness and respect for weakness. Then they see I am kind, but not weak.

 

I often hear people talking about not giving someone consequences and taking the "high road", "they will get theirs EVENTUALLY". What I have learned in life is that people who get forgiven with no consequences never learn. It is a sad lesson and has taken me years to understand.

 

There is no growth without pain. that is why we teach children their actions have consequences. No consequences lead to entitled and spoiled kids who lack empathy. Same with adults.

 

Really? Isn't that living in the past? Isn't the best revenge a well lived life? I think hoping a BS is able to move on to a life where the WS and the OW are so far in the rearview mirror that they aren't worth the soil they walk on as a pretty good way of being.

 

Everyone is different. I know that, for myself, the best outcome I want from someone that has hurt me is they become irrelevant in my life. I have written off friendships where they are dead to me, everything is cut off, my life moves forward, hopefully theirs does too. But what they say, think, feel or breath is of no importance to me. They are not worth a second of my acknowledgement.

 

This had nothing to do with no consequences. I will tell you that if a BS stays in this mode sympathy will wane. This is where the term "bitter" can come into play. It is in one's best interest that their life isn't the sum of the transgression put upon them but for what they made of the them.

 

I write nothing on forgiveness. This isn't about forgiveness. This is not allowing someone else to own your life to such a level that it is groundhog's day. It is about forgetting their existence.

 

In all practicality, if a BS tries, even after a divorce to continue to barrage their ex and their AP you start walking a line of harassment. And why are they worth that energy? Do you think that this attempted constant reminders is going to have any real sway after the initial events? Do you not think that others will cease to care if they cared at all? At what point does how they think and feel and whether they actually understand the pain matters?

 

You can't force people to care, or to understand. If they don't care right now no amount of drumming it over their heads is going to do it. If that makes one feel better, go out and go crazy, but what I am trying to say is that is a hollow attempt at acknowledgement, recognition, and retribution that is not going to deliver. Seriously, the best revenge is a happy, "without you" life.

[jlola]

Got it,

 

I said nothing about revenge or plotting. I said consequences which is not the same.

 

 

Friends who do not matter and just disrespectful are nixed by me also. No need to tell people how to behave.

 

But, if someone steals something from me, or has been paid to do work for me and has not. Or has told vile lies about me, I am not being vengeful by going to court and proving my case. They will suffer the consequences,.

 

My father is a serial cheater. He was always taken back easily with a few tears and small acts of being sorry. He really had no consequences of my mother leaving for long periods or filing for divorce to show she was serious.

 

He also has bragged to people he hides a lot of his money in overseas banks. We have told my mother, but she puts a finger in her ear(as LisaL has described:) and sings loudly. So instead of hiring a lawyer or someone who can track this, she believes him. He gets no consequences and continues this embezzlement.

 

revenge and consequences are not the same!

 

I am a very nice person. I once had a roommate who not only stiffed me of 3 months rent, but she also took some of my clothes to boot. I gave her countless opportunity to pay back. she would not. i called her at work since I was desperate for the money. She called it harassment. I was not supposed to call her even if she owed me close to $2,500. Too bad for me!

 

Then I found out she committed insurance fraud. the insurance company kept calling MY home number for her and I put 2+2 together.

 

Well after I filed papers at the court for her, I called the insurance company. they had someone come over and they took my sworn written statement . Do I feel I was a crazy person in search of revenge? No, I just let it to known to all others who will file against her or look up her record who she is. I would do it again.

 

 

There are things you just do not walk away from.

 

Also I agree, to barrage an ex or harass them is not right. I was not talking about that kind of behavior at all. I think Peaksandvalleys was talking more about taking court actions than harassment.

Edited October 15, 2013 by jlola

[ladydesigner]

You can't force people to care, or to understand. If they don't care right now no amount of drumming it over their heads is going to do it. If that makes one feel better, go out and go crazy, but what I am trying to say is that is a hollow attempt at acknowledgement, recognition, and retribution that is not going to deliver. Seriously, the best revenge is a happy, "without you" life.

 

This is EXACTLY what I learned from my WH's infidelity. I had to take care of myself or no one was going to. My WH didn't help me heal and MOW took great joy in rubbing the A in my face. I healed myself.

[LilGirlandOW]

My insecurities are playing with me more than ever going through this with him while trying to step aside and give him space. I thank the stars that he keeps reassuring me everything will be ok without me asking for it.

 

I never imagined I would feel this way, i can really only allow myself to be happy within the moments he gives me good news about further action taking place, or sweet things he says, then I quickly slip back into anxious and insecure. Throwing on my game face when I see him or talk to him, then again it's moments of extreme joy cause he always has something new that's been settled or acquired to further the seperation, and he's still so sweet, but those moments pass and so does my joy quickly after.

 

This all really sucks and it's amazing at the same time

[goodyblue]

I wouldn't use me as an example because my plan is to make sure they both remember what they did for years to come as well as taking them years to recover from their actions.

 

First of all, I wasn't using you as an example. I don't know you at all.

 

Secondly, what is it you would plan to do? If your H left to be with OW, what would there possibly be to do? They'd have moved on. Makes no sense.

 

Thirdly, why would you want to bother doing that? Why not move on and have a good life instead of wallowing in the past? Kinda sad.

[sweet_pea]

First of all, I wasn't using you as an example. I don't know you at all.

 

Secondly, what is it you would plan to do? If your H left to be with OW, what would there possibly be to do? They'd have moved on. Makes no sense.

 

Thirdly, why would you want to bother doing that? Why not move on and have a good life instead of wallowing in the past? Kinda sad.

 

I don't mean to T/J, but do you also think that all of the people who come here after the affair has ended are "wallowing in the past" as well? Would you call them "kinda sad," too?

[goodyblue]

I don't mean to T/J, but do you also think that all of the people who come here after the affair has ended are "wallowing in the past" as well? Would you call them "kinda sad," too?

 

Peaksandvalleys said: I wouldn't use me as an example because my plan is to make sure they both remember what they did for years to come as well as taking them years to recover from their actions.

 

 

Yes. If anyone went on for YEARS trying to make someone 'remember what they did for years to come' as well as 'taking them years to recover'. Clearly that is extremely unhealthy. I think that of course people have to heal, but what Peaks said is clearly overboard and the only one who will suffer is her.

 

You have to remember something. Most likely, if the MM and OW do eventually end up together, they are going to move on with their lives. Building a life, home, love, family together. They are not going to be focused on the BS who is now on her own. Who is it going to hurt if she is bitter and trying to make them suffer? Only her.

 

For the BS in my situation, she is not a consideration for us. We have moved forward with our lives. If she chose to try to make us miserable, we would laugh about it and continue with our lives, being happy, and making her even more unhappy.

 

The best thing for anyone to do who is left by another is to move forward and be as happy as possible. This is certainly not to minimize the BS's pain, and of course there will be pain, but if it goes on too long, it's toxic.

 

The same for OW. If MM went back to the BS, then it's okay to be sad, but to wallow for years and try to make them suffer is unhealthy. We must love and care for ourselves. Each of us. The focus should be turned inward.

[sweet_pea]

Peaksandvalleys said: I wouldn't use me as an example because my plan is to make sure they both remember what they did for years to come as well as taking them years to recover from their actions.

 

 

Yes. If anyone went on for YEARS trying to make someone 'remember what they did for years to come' as well as 'taking them years to recover'. Clearly that is extremely unhealthy. I think that of course people have to heal, but what Peaks said is clearly overboard and the only one who will suffer is her.

 

You have to remember something. Most likely, if the MM and OW do eventually end up together, they are going to move on with their lives. Building a life, home, love, family together. They are not going to be focused on the BS who is now on her own. Who is it going to hurt if she is bitter and trying to make them suffer? Only her.

 

For the BS in my situation, she is not a consideration for us. We have moved forward with our lives. If she chose to try to make us miserable, we would laugh about it and continue with our lives, being happy, and making her even more unhappy.

 

The best thing for anyone to do who is left by another is to move forward and be as happy as possible. This is certainly not to minimize the BS's pain, and of course there will be pain, but if it goes on too long, it's toxic.

 

The same for OW. If MM went back to the BS, then it's okay to be sad, but to wallow for years and try to make them suffer is unhealthy. We must love and care for ourselves. Each of us. The focus should be turned inward.

 

I wasn't talking about years and years later, but thanks for the answer.

[2sunny]

I really wish you well. Your story was another that I went back and read, and I'm sorry but I see huge red flags. I hope it works out for you though. But....based on all you've shared, I'm not sure this mm is worth all your time and effort. He seems to leave you in precarious situations that you've shared here. Look, you're young, still married, have a young child, a career, home, some semblance of a normal life. Why in the hell, would you want this guy? What can he possibly offer you long term? You've stated that he is less than your desired match, is flaky, obviously not honest, left you when your life was in danger; he's not your Prince Charming.

 

I'm pro woman. I was in an affair, albeit unknowingly, but you? You know what you've signed up for. Do you really not think that he will treat you the same some day? That you'll always be the one calling the shots? That he will not be moved by some other, younger, easier, hot piece of ass? Trust me, you'll get boring some day, life ensures that. Please don't hitch your wagon to this dude.

 

I think my one big HELL NO in reading your story was the time your ex broke into your house and started to beat you. Your "love" ran. Huge tell. You're worth a mans protection. Please don't do this.

 

She won't be the one to call the shots - it's not in her nature - she prefers to be at the mercy of what her MM does or doesn't do.

 

Lil, I wish you'd grow some strength and find the "whole you" without the need to have ant man validate you/your feelings.

 

You/your position looks weak and timid - especially by avoidance - you won't even honestly communicate with either man.

 

Without honest, open communication - all you really have is pretending and fueling your lies.

[goodyblue]

I think PeakNValleys has a perfect plan. She wasn't "left" by her husband, rather, her life was stolen by the man she married, raised a family with. She was duped. I do agree with you (and perhaps she does as well) that the best she can do is; "move forward and be as happy as possible". But, it's not that simple. She and others (me & her) were lied to, were not presented with the truth, were led to believe our lives were true and stable for months and years. We did nothing wrong. Are we the betrayed, and apparently supposed to just roll over and accept that we were treated horribly.

 

And I don't think anyone is "wallowing". People leave marriages everyday. It's done honestly and openly. Lying, and leading a person on to minimize your comfort is wrong. I get that people drift apart, attraction wanes, love fades. Just be honest about that. Give the other person the chance and choice in their life. The deception is the killer. Most people can and do handle the truth.

 

I'm not saying that what happens with affairs is okay. I certainly don't think that it is the best way to go about things. I will say that in our case, the BS would have been hurt either way. She also would not have had a choice even if an affair wasn't involved because he would have left regardless. She did not want the divorce, even after the affair. He did.

 

So, I'll say again, the best thing she can do is move forward and find happiness. I will say that my guy didn't lie to his ex, but he did not tell her about our relationship. He hid it. It didn't go on for long and I'm glad about that. She knew long before the affair that he was unhappy, he was clear in that. Neither he nor I are happy with the fact that things were hidden from his ex, but the difference is, we've moved on. We are living happy lives together. She needs to move on and find happiness as well. I hope she does. I hope she finds someone more compatible, someone with common interests who will love her fully. I don't believe in living a mediocre life and I hope she finds it within herself to live a great life too.

[jlola]

I really wish you well. Your story was another that I went back and read, and I'm sorry but I see huge red flags. I hope it works out for you though. But....based on all you've shared, I'm not sure this mm is worth all your time and effort. He seems to leave you in precarious situations that you've shared here. Look, you're young, still married, have a young child, a career, home, some semblance of a normal life. Why in the hell, would you want this guy? What can he possibly offer you long term? You've stated that he is less than your desired match, is flaky, obviously not honest, left you when your life was in danger; he's not your Prince Charming.

 

I'm pro woman. I was in an affair, albeit unknowingly, but you? You know what you've signed up for. Do you really not think that he will treat you the same some day? That you'll always be the one calling the shots? That he will not be moved by some other, younger, easier, hot piece of ass? Trust me, you'll get boring some day, life ensures that. Please don't hitch your wagon to this dude.

 

I think my one big HELL NO in reading your story was the time your ex broke into your house and started to beat you. Your "love" ran. Huge tell. You're worth a mans protection. Please don't do this.

 

Unfortunately, Lil is in limerance(infatuation) stage right now. Nothing we can say to her will take off her rose colored glasses. LOVE chemicals are doing their job. Nothing she finds out about this man at this stage will make her leave either. Unless he is an axe murderer and forced to go to jail. In fact, she will spin things to make him "not look so bad" to anyone who gives her a warning.

 

If we are to judge by the content of character, this man would FAIL! Lil will eventually wake up since limerence does not last forever and her rose colored glasses will come off. But I fear that will not be before she has turned her life upside down for this man.

 

Right now Lil has so much unfounded fear this man will have hysterical bonding with his wife, she is putting herself deeper into the rabbit hole. Fear makes you want something even more.

 

At this stage, we can do nothing now but wish Lil wakes up from this fog sooner rather than later.

[krazikat]

Really? Isn't that living in the past? Isn't the best revenge a well lived life? I think hoping a BS is able to move on to a life where the WS and the OW are so far in the rearview mirror that they aren't worth the soil they walk on as a pretty good way of being.

 

Everyone is different. I know that, for myself, the best outcome I want from someone that has hurt me is they become irrelevant in my life. I have written off friendships where they are dead to me, everything is cut off, my life moves forward, hopefully theirs does too. But what they say, think, feel or breath is of no importance to me. They are not worth a second of my acknowledgement.

 

This had nothing to do with no consequences. I will tell you that if a BS stays in this mode sympathy will wane. This is where the term "bitter" can come into play. It is in one's best interest that their life isn't the sum of the transgression put upon them but for what they made of the them.

 

I write nothing on forgiveness. This isn't about forgiveness. This is not allowing someone else to own your life to such a level that it is groundhog's day. It is about forgetting their existence.

 

In all practicality, if a BS tries, even after a divorce to continue to barrage their ex and their AP you start walking a line of harassment. And why are they worth that energy? Do you think that this attempted constant reminders is going to have any real sway after the initial events? Do you not think that others will cease to care if they cared at all? At what point does how they think and feel and whether they actually understand the pain matters?

 

You can't force people to care, or to understand. If they don't care right now no amount of drumming it over their heads is going to do it. If that makes one feel better, go out and go crazy, but what I am trying to say is that is a hollow attempt at acknowledgement, recognition, and retribution that is not going to deliver. Seriously, the best revenge is a happy, "without you" life.

 

FWIW I did not see jlola intending that the BS would be essentially obsessed on revenge or focused on it for a long period, but simply that when people experience a trauma, which finding out the person you married and dedicated yourself too has an affair, that the fallout has the potential to impact the BS in the future. It's pretty much a guarantee.

 

How could something this life altering not have an impact?

 

It's not about being weak or spiteful or obsessive, but it really does change you...how you view people, how you trust, future relationships if divorce happens, loss of the sanctity of the marriage...cheating is the ultimate betrayal. As a BS after dday was crazy making. I would not wish a dday (or cheating spouse) on my worst frenemy...simply put, this situation changes a person.

 

From the latest updates it seems as tho I stand corrected...lilgirl is going to get her man. BS seems like she is/has been done for a while. I also suspect that he may have actually telling lilgirl some truth about the state of the marriage. It is almost going to near and clean...and I also suspect there is much lilgirl doesn't know yet, such as why he left at 3am...that is an unusual time to up and leave suddenly and voluntarily which leads me to believe he got curbed and likely BS knows about the affair and is just done with this man. Heck, it happens.

 

Lilgirl, I honestly Do wish you the best. I do not condone affairs but what is done is done, lil one. You deserve love and happiness, and if this man ends up being your happiness in a public relationship with this man, then I will be happy for you.

[jlola]

FWIW I did not see jlola intending that the BS would be essentially obsessed on revenge or focused on it for a long period, but simply that when people experience a trauma, which finding out the person you married and dedicated yourself too has an affair, that the fallout has the potential to impact the BS in the future. It's pretty much a guarantee.

 

How could something this life altering not have an impact?

 

It's not about being weak or spiteful or obsessive, but it really does change you...how you view people, how you trust, future relationships if divorce happens, loss of the sanctity of the marriage...cheating is the ultimate betrayal. As a BS after dday was crazy making. I would not wish a dday (or cheating spouse) on my worst frenemy...simply put, this situation changes a person.

 

From the latest updates it seems as tho I stand corrected...lilgirl is going to get her man. BS seems like she is/has been done for a while. I also suspect that he may have actually telling lilgirl some truth about the state of the marriage. It is almost going to near and clean...and I also suspect there is much lilgirl doesn't know yet, such as why he left at 3am...that is an unusual time to up and leave suddenly and voluntarily which leads me to believe he got curbed and likely BS knows about the affair and is just done with this man. Heck, it happens.

 

Lilgirl, I honestly Do wish you the best. I do not condone affairs but what is done is done, lil one. You deserve love and happiness, and if this man ends up being your happiness in a public relationship with this man, then I will be happy for you.

Thank you for understanding what I meant Kat,

 

As for Lil's man's marriage. If he did get kicked out at 3:00 am because the affair was outed, why not simply tell Lil what happened? Lil still seems to think BS does not know about her affair.

 

Or perhaps she does know, but this is one of numerous affairs and this one finally was the last straw? Could be why he is not telling.

 

Dunno, we can all speculate. But so many unanswered questions even for Lil. MM seems a bit secretive. Seems to paint rosy pictures for Lil. Something seems off. Lil does seem to be a trusting soul who for some reason really wants to believe in this man.

[krazikat]

First of all, I wasn't using you as an example. I don't know you at all.

 

Secondly, what is it you would plan to do? If your H left to be with OW, what would there possibly be to do? They'd have moved on. Makes no sense.

 

Thirdly, why would you want to bother doing that? Why not move on and have a good life instead of wallowing in the past? Kinda sad.

 

Goodyblue I may have missed it but I haven't seen anything to indicate what you are assuming....please let me know if I missed it... I do completely agree with you that it is a sad situation. Have you been a BS? It seriously is a traumatizing experience

 

Actions lead to reaction. The reaction from a BS to the WS is up to the BS, within reason and law. When someone purposefully hurts another, they should expect consquences. I do realize there are crazy emotions on all sides, and how many (not all) ow decide the proper way for a bs to react and behave on dday. To assume someone is wallowing in the past and can't get over it when you don't have all the details is presumptuous.

Edited October 16, 2013 by krazikat

[krazikat]

OR - he could get a taste of that fresh air, a minute to breathe without the weight of a broken marriage, and wonder (as my exMM did) "why the hell didn't we do this sooner?". Hang in there - there's a million ways it could go, but it will go exactly as it is supposed to.

 

Despite what some AP's like to believe, not all of the marriages were broken or needing a breath of fresh air. Something is broken somewhere with someone(s) but the wife is often the least broken individual...until dday of course. Most broken would be th MP IMO.

 

Additionally there are other influences that could lead to an affair. I do agree, the are many ways this could go. And there are mm in toxic marriages. There are serials. There are hit & runners, (that would be those high risk one nighters...bigger health risk to a and Any ow...I could keep going. But I can barely keep my eyes open at this point but....must....go....to....bed...ugh...personal rant? I have to get up in 4 hours to fed to work. Everyone who is reading.now, have a great night...

Edited October 16, 2013 by krazikat

[Got it]

Got it,

 

I said nothing about revenge or plotting. I said consequences which is not the same.

 

 

Friends who do not matter and just disrespectful are nixed by me also. No need to tell people how to behave.

 

But, if someone steals something from me, or has been paid to do work for me and has not. Or has told vile lies about me, I am not being vengeful by going to court and proving my case. They will suffer the consequences,.

 

My father is a serial cheater. He was always taken back easily with a few tears and small acts of being sorry. He really had no consequences of my mother leaving for long periods or filing for divorce to show she was serious.

 

He also has bragged to people he hides a lot of his money in overseas banks. We have told my mother, but she puts a finger in her ear(as LisaL has described:) and sings loudly. So instead of hiring a lawyer or someone who can track this, she believes him. He gets no consequences and continues this embezzlement.

 

revenge and consequences are not the same!

 

I am a very nice person. I once had a roommate who not only stiffed me of 3 months rent, but she also took some of my clothes to boot. I gave her countless opportunity to pay back. she would not. i called her at work since I was desperate for the money. She called it harassment. I was not supposed to call her even if she owed me close to $2,500. Too bad for me!

 

Then I found out she committed insurance fraud. the insurance company kept calling MY home number for her and I put 2+2 together.

 

Well after I filed papers at the court for her, I called the insurance company. they had someone come over and they took my sworn written statement . Do I feel I was a crazy person in search of revenge? No, I just let it to known to all others who will file against her or look up her record who she is. I would do it again.

 

 

There are things you just do not walk away from.

 

Also I agree, to barrage an ex or harass them is not right. I was not talking about that kind of behavior at all. I think Peaksandvalleys was talking more about taking court actions than harassment.

 

jlola - I don't know peaks story so I am unaware of the nuances but in reading the post it was reading more to constant reminders than potentially legal action as that would have a time stamp upon it. So if it was erring on the reminders, my post stands.

 

Of course, every action causes a reaction and I did not post anything about not taking proper legal action when necessary and advantageous. My post was more to the emotional state and one's own future/past stance.

[Got it]

My insecurities are playing with me more than ever going through this with him while trying to step aside and give him space. I thank the stars that he keeps reassuring me everything will be ok without me asking for it.

 

I never imagined I would feel this way, i can really only allow myself to be happy within the moments he gives me good news about further action taking place, or sweet things he says, then I quickly slip back into anxious and insecure. Throwing on my game face when I see him or talk to him, then again it's moments of extreme joy cause he always has something new that's been settled or acquired to further the seperation, and he's still so sweet, but those moments pass and so does my joy quickly after.

 

This all really sucks and it's amazing at the same time

 

Then stop. You are centering your daily existence around his daily actions. Stop doing this. If you need to put a rubber band on and snap it when you start with these thoughts then do so.

 

Your life is not centered around the be all and end all of his life. You were fine with status quo a month ago, get your mind centered back on that. Focus on the things you can control. All of this focus is pondering and worrying over things you can't influence, prevent, or control. So it is an exercise in futility.

[Got it]

FWIW I did not see jlola intending that the BS would be essentially obsessed on revenge or focused on it for a long period, but simply that when people experience a trauma, which finding out the person you married and dedicated yourself too has an affair, that the fallout has the potential to impact the BS in the future. It's pretty much a guarantee.

 

How could something this life altering not have an impact?

 

It's not about being weak or spiteful or obsessive, but it really does change you...how you view people, how you trust, future relationships if divorce happens, loss of the sanctity of the marriage...cheating is the ultimate betrayal. As a BS after dday was crazy making. I would not wish a dday (or cheating spouse) on my worst frenemy...simply put, this situation changes a person.

 

From the latest updates it seems as tho I stand corrected...lilgirl is going to get her man. BS seems like she is/has been done for a while. I also suspect that he may have actually telling lilgirl some truth about the state of the marriage. It is almost going to near and clean...and I also suspect there is much lilgirl doesn't know yet, such as why he left at 3am...that is an unusual time to up and leave suddenly and voluntarily which leads me to believe he got curbed and likely BS knows about the affair and is just done with this man. Heck, it happens.

 

Lilgirl, I honestly Do wish you the best. I do not condone affairs but what is done is done, lil one. You deserve love and happiness, and if this man ends up being your happiness in a public relationship with this man, then I will be happy for you.

 

My comment was about what peaks wrote and then jlola's interpretation of my post. I didn't say anything about being obsessed on revenge. I would have to check if I even used that word as I don't recall so. Please read peak's post for clarification.

[jlola]

Really? Isn't that living in the past? Isn't the best revenge a well lived life? I think hoping a BS is able to move on to a life where the WS and the OW are so far in the rearview mirror that they aren't worth the soil they walk on as a pretty good way of being.

 

 

In all practicality, if a BS tries, even after a divorce to continue to barrage their ex and their AP you start walking a line of harassment. And why are they worth that energy? Do you think that this attempted constant reminders is going to have any real sway after the initial events? Do you not think that others will cease to care if they cared at all? At what point does how they think and feel and whether they actually understand the pain matters?

 

You can't force people to care, or to understand. If they don't care right now no amount of drumming it over their heads is going to do it. If that makes one feel better, go out and go crazy, but what I am trying to say is that is a hollow attempt at acknowledgement, recognition, and retribution that is not going to deliver. Seriously, the best revenge is a happy, "without you" life.

 

Got it, if you read PeaksandV's previous thread, she is not about that. She is getting all her ducks in a row,letting them live with the consequences and leaving them to live their life. All pre-divorce.

 

peaksandvalleys

So I am counting down the days to d-day. I have continued toread here and some topics that have been posted here and in the OW/OM forumhave aided me in what I need to discuss with my lawyer

 

First I would like to thank those who talked about havingsex with the WS and how it could put my case in jeopardy and my lawyer agreesespecially after they have been informed that they have been busted. Though Iwould never expose myself knowingly to STD’s this leads me to the results of mytests. I will be getting further testing as it appears the HPV virus ispresent. Thank you so much my loving spouse for that gift

 

Secondly I followed all my lawyers’ advice on every step Ihave taken. No it is not illegal to have my spouse followed as long as the PIdoes not interact or make themselves known. No it is not illegal for me to getthe phone records to a phone that is in my name. No it is not illegal for me tomy home computer that is used by all with no responsible expectation of privacyas it is not a personal computer. It is also not illegal for me to give theinformation to the OW’s husband. I do have his name, address, place of work andeven the gym that he goes to everyday.

 

Thirdly, I have got all the paperwork in place to sell ourbusiness as I am the majority owner. I will give him the option of buying meout (he won’t because he not only doesn’t have that amount of cash, his creditis shot so I am the one who put up the collateral for the loan) since my dadgave me the great advice of making sure this was business and business onlywhen we started the business. I never wanted the business but I wanted him tobe happy and to live his dream so I went along with it. With hard work andcapital from me, the business hasn’t done too badly. He works hard at it toothat’s why I am willing to sell it to him at a profit of course. But I do nothave to sell it to him a majority partner. Thank you daddy for your insight andfuture planning. I do have a dilemma though. I need input on the scenario to expose.I have two in mind.

 

#1- I can get tickets to one of his favorite football teams(he is a college fanatic). After the game there will be a romantic nightplanned for dear sweet hubby. I mean the candle light dinner, his favoritemusic, food and wine. I will have the divorce papers, business papers andcontract for the sale of the house all wrapped in a neat little bow.

 

[2- I am thinking of leaving town for business or somethingand then have him served while he is with her. Yes I know for sure he will bewith her when I leave it has happened several times before and then have arealtor show up with a for sale sign. I have already rented an apartment andmoved some of my things into storage. He thinks I am having the house paintedand do not want the painters to break anything.

Your thoughts? Anyother suggestions?

 

She will also be served because yes I do live in one ofthose states. I don’t necessarily want anything monetary. I just want her nameto be a matter of public record and why it is a matter of public record. Yes,my lawyer has advised against this. I declined to accept that piece of adviceas long as it is legal I will be going forward with that. Her husband will begetting a packet of information and pictures along with where he can reach meif he chooses. I will suggest he check their finances because of some thingsthat the investigator discovered. He really should have an audit, physical andpaternity test on his youngest.

 

I am sure she and my wonderful husband will bounce back to bebetter than ever. He will be free to be with her 100% of the time. No lies, nohiding, no settling for me, my family or my finances. He can be who she thinkshe is. He free from the old ball and chain that won’t allow him to be the manhe fancies himself to be. There comes a time in life when an adult has tobehave as a responsible adult live up to the picture they paint for others.

[William]

Due to a report of a threadjack in progress, noting such, and noting the thread starter not recently posting, I'll close this and invite the thread starter to use the 'alert us' link to request re-opening if/when they have further comment. Thanks.