3am and MM's moving out. Now what?

[cif]

What a sexist remark. His wife is successful in her own right. What she is entitled to under the law, is hers. Not something that she is "picking his bones clean" to get...ITS HERS.

 

and FTR, for over a year, he has been taking marital finances and spending it on his OW. His wife is owed the return of those assets, as he had no RIGHT to spend HER money on his OW.

 

Is this really a law? Would be cool if it was. Anyway in this instance i don't think the BS cares or wants anything from MM other than to have him gone.

[threelaurels]

Is this really a law? Would be cool if it was. Anyway in this instance i don't think the BS cares or wants anything from MM other than to have him gone.

 

Yes. The WS almost always has to pay the BS back for any marital assets spent on the AP during a D (usually done through an unequal split of assets in the BS's favor) Even in a no-fault state, this is still the case because judges are required to take dissipation of marital assets into account when determining how things are split.

 

Basically, you can't spend significant amounts of marital assets on gambling/illegal drugs/your mistress/things that only benefit you and come away with a 50/50 split in a D.

Edited October 13, 2013 by threelaurels

[LilGirlandOW]

I remember Lil talking about a miscarriage she had. I wonder what she and MM were thinking for her and MM to have a child in the first place. He and she already have children, then to bring another child into this mess? I wonder if BS knows.

.

 

He's had a vasectomy, 3 years ago

[LilGirlandOW]

Lil, I'm not sure why you think people that think you are going to have an extremely rough road ahead of you are "vultures" and don't wish for you to be happy. I've always posted to anyone that's why I "do" post, I want them to see that they can be happy and "usually" an affair start to a relationship isn't going to be that happy beginning or foundation for obvious reasons.

 

We can only go on what *you* have posted. He's clearly passive aggressive and that kind of guy is extremely difficult to have a relationship with. The way he would take gifts from you and give them to his wife as a big eff you to her. And just the disrespectful way he speaks about her and YOU too, he has spoke of you like he's in a jr. high locker room, it's not cool Lil. His family is dysfunctional to have stabbed his wife in the back. I am concerned for you because you have mentioned you want to be 1/2 of a couple that is in their 90's on that park bench that couple didn't get there on just magically having lovey feelings.

 

You have mentioned his jealous issues with you. That is going to amplify tenfold when he doesn't have his wife as his safety net. He's going to become even more insecure (you have posted of his insecurities) He may even use emotional abuse to wear you down, (passive aggressive types like to do that) he is aware that you were willing to cheat with him, in his mind what's to prevent you from moving on to someone else. Somewhere down the line it will hit you, you weren't chosen in this mess. You were the default. When the dust settles you will see that and unless you squash those emotions, it should rightfully bother you.

 

If it's really true that he doesn't have a clue why his wife has filed and then you don't like to ask him the tough questions, seriously Lil, how on earth do you think you can have a successful relationship if both of you stick your head in the sand and "hope" for the best while not tackling the tough issues?

 

Your comment of "yikes" I think is really at the heart of it. Most of your posts have constantly compared what a witch and ugly creature his wife is compared to you. What's going to happen when you don't have that comparison as a factor for you? You come across that you thrived on the competition factor, when it's just you and him and the newness wears off (as it will) and you have people in your life telling you that you could do so much better (you've said your cousin thinks he's nothing special) I really think the thrill will wear off for you. Then down the road, he's not going to like it when a guy eventually may come into his kids lives as a step father.

 

It should be interesting indeed to see how you two fare as a couple without the big bad wife as an excuse to fuel your relationship, the star crossed lovers and all. No safety net in the wife I think is scary for you, otherwise you wouldn't have made the "yikes" comment.

 

That old couple on the park bench got there by asking the tough questions by weathering the ebb and flow and by putting in the work when the butterflies waned. They keep that connection by knowing and learning love is an action not a feeling but those actions can feed the "in love" feelings. They have learned with time how to perfect their dance together. If you really want to be part of that kind of couple then you really have to learn how to ask the hard questions as does he. Both of you seem to want to coast along on circumstance. If you really want to make it, then both of you will have to figure out why this was an acceptable choice to be deceitful instead of living with integrity and honesty.

 

Wow thank you so much, some things I've never thought about I will re read this post, I think I have a lot to reflect on. The whole possessiveness thing too, I think I've been a little clouded there, I'm not gonna lie, I knew it wasn't right but at the same time kinda liked it? Like that he was jealous and stuff, this is odd I know.

[LilGirlandOW]

My initial thought was that the BS knew about the A, had a plan, and was going to to blindsight MM with filing for D on grounds of adultery. However, Lil says the BS's plan for splitting the assets and handling custody of the children was relatively fair. Unless she is trying to lure MM into a false sense of security, I would say that she either doesn't know about the A or doesn't care.

 

The D rate among police officers is something like 70-75%, and there have been some controversial studies that suggest rates of infidelity are higher among police officers. I think it's a real possibility that the BS has an OM of her own and that's why she's pushing so hard for the D. Realistically, investigating things is second nature to her due to her job. However, if she had an OM, she might have been just as disconnected in their marriage as MM was and that's why she either didn't investigate further or did not notice the warning signs.

 

Or she may not have an OM, but, as a good mother, has no desire to keep him from the kids and wants to make the D as painless as possible for the sake of everyone involved. Just because she is strong and independent doesn't mean she is ruthless and only cares about her own interests.

 

 

I love your posts always.

 

You know your ****, I appreciate your feedback and knowledge as I mostly feel like a wandering chihuahua in Mexico looking for direction.

[LilGirlandOW]

For you - I think your best plan would be to stay as neutral as possible knowing that this will be a roller coaster of emotions that will reveal more as time goes along.

 

Neutral - don't ride those highs and lows with him... Stay busy doing things that interest you. Stay focused on YOUR well being.

 

Thank you, I have projects due next Friday I'm going to try to stay focused. It's so easy to get lost in everything again, especially hard not to share his excitement.

[jlola]

He's had a vasectomy, 3 years ago

 

I am on my phone right now.Do not know how to post your quote from phone. But threads "Worst OW moments" post #26 and "Hot other woman"? Post #56 mentions your miscarriage.

[LilGirlandOW]

Jlola,

 

Yes you are right, I was just answer to the question of how could I get pregnant, or want to bring a A child in this world.

 

I didn't want to get pregnant at all

[2sure]

Is this really a law? Would be cool if it was. Anyway in this instance i don't think the BS cares or wants anything from MM other than to have him gone.

 

Excited to tell you that while it isn't a LAW, marital assets spent specifically in pursuit of infidlity are recoverable by the BS AND it presents the opportunity to introduce the infidlity in court, even under no fault.

[William]

Noting the thread straying into off-topic territory, moderation is encouraging members, and the thread starter, to remain on the topic of the MM moving out and issues relevant to that process.

 

As always, questions to clarify past postings of the thread starter relevant to the topic are welcomed with citation, meaning quoted verbiage and thread link. Other postings questioning past postings will be considered non-conforming, as are all postings questioning past postings of respondents. Thanks and please continue the discussion.

[LilGirlandOW]

Edit: was off topic

Edited October 14, 2013 by LilGirlandOW

[CrystalCastles]

Any updates?

[LilGirlandOW]

He signed and put deposit on new place and moves in very soon

 

He and BS are amicable with moments of bickering... Kinda business as usual on that front.

 

I'm trying to stay sane, I've grasped what's going on, but my shock has turned to paranoia that he/she could have a change of heart and some hysterical bonding happen So I'm trying to keep busy with my hobbies and work projects to pass the time

 

Que sera sera right?

[sweet_pea]

Yeah, the way you describe it, they would never have a change of heart nor any type of bonding...

[LilGirlandOW]

I hope so

[whichwayisup]

He signed and put deposit on new place and moves in very soon

 

He and BS are amicable with moments of bickering... Kinda business as usual on that front.

 

I'm trying to stay sane, I've grasped what's going on, but my shock has turned to paranoia that he/she could have a change of heart and some hysterical bonding happen So I'm trying to keep busy with my hobbies and work projects to pass the time

 

Que sera sera right?

 

Just don't ask. It's their ending of their marriage so if there's any hysterical bonding, or if they have 'goodbye' sex, as many couples do, don't let it ruin things between you two. His ending of his life with his wife is something he'll still have to grieve. He's losing his in laws too, the life he knows and is comfy with etc. Give him space and don't get sucked into the details of the ending of their marriage. It's not your business to know that stuff. Sorry if that comes off harsh.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, the way you describe it, they would never have a change of heart nor any type of bonding...

 

Nobody knows what goes on in people's heads when they are divorcing. The ending of their marriage is between him and his wife, if they have goodbye sex, it's between them. It's not something Lil has control over or any say in.

[LilGirlandOW]

Goodbye sex?

 

Yeah I'm gonna try to not imagine that one for sure lol

 

Neither party likes either party's I laws so thats not an issue,

 

I'm gonna try to not loose my head

 

Goodbye sex

[peaksandvalleys]

Who said anything about years? It IS possible to make things happen to your advantage. In my case, my FMM did it. Took less than a year from the beginning of our affair until he left. What it did was give her some power in the situation so that she could feel stronger. There is someone, I can't think of who right now, on the infidelity side of this forum that is gathering intel right now. She may be devastated, but it sure helps that she is taking control, rather than be a helpless person. She is not putting up with it and that will help her be stronger. That doesn't make Lil #2. Just my opinion.

 

 

I wouldn't use me as an example because my plan is to make sure they both remember what they did for years to come as well as taking them years to recover from their actions.

[sweet_pea]

Nobody knows what goes on in people's heads when they are divorcing. The ending of their marriage is between him and his wife, if they have goodbye sex, it's between them. It's not something Lil has control over or any say in.

 

Obviously.

 

I was just making a point that Lil probably has nothing to worry about if what she says is true of their relationship. I don't know, she doesn't know, and I never claimed to know what will happen, anyway.

 

Anyway, I just hope everyone comes out of the divorce Ok, especially the kids. I admit I was surprised that he took them to look at new residences so quickly after his wife said she was divorcing and that they seemed so fine with it.

[Got it]

I wouldn't use me as an example because my plan is to make sure they both remember what they did for years to come as well as taking them years to recover from their actions.

 

Peaks - I wish you well in your recovery. I also hope you will get to a point that their remembering or their actions in any regard have zero impact on your life. I understand your feelings now but there will come a point where this is wasted effort for you. That your life will be so far removed that this will no longer matter.

[Got it]

Just don't ask. It's their ending of their marriage so if there's any hysterical bonding, or if they have 'goodbye' sex, as many couples do, don't let it ruin things between you two. His ending of his life with his wife is something he'll still have to grieve. He's losing his in laws too, the life he knows and is comfy with etc. Give him space and don't get sucked into the details of the ending of their marriage. It's not your business to know that stuff. Sorry if that comes off harsh.

 

This made me chuckle some. Regardless of how much say anyone has, I can say that I definitely did not follow the above. :laugh:

 

Every relationship is different with different expectations (obviously ) and whether or not any "say" amounts to a hill of beans, regardless just not quite my philosophy.

 

For what it is worth.

[LilGirlandOW]

What I post is true as I hear and experience it. I think in every situation the truth has many faces, as I bet there are details possibly he's holding out on me for whatever reasons. Or maybe he's being bluntly honest as I'm not pushy, or judgemental so maybe I'm one of the few or sole people he can truly confide in.

 

We hung out a few times today and things are still moving forward, packing, dividing and acquiring new asserts.

 

As far as the kids go, it's proven that kids deal with D better the younger they are. According to him they are doing ok with everything.

 

I told him that I will give him all the space and support he needs to get through the transition. Even though I'm going a little stir crazy when I start speculating or worrying, I haven't dumped any of that on him, the last thing I want to be is a burden, cause I know it can be tough and consuming right now.

 

So I'm just sailing in the wind right now, take things day to day, heck hour to hour.

 

It's tough cause it feels like he's been my bf for the past year but I know that now it has to be fresh start for everybody, and that includes us because the dynamic has changed.

 

Still.... Goodbye sex freaks me out, but from what I hear, she has as little interest in reconciling as he does.

[LilGirlandOW]

With all that being said. I really do thank you all! no matter what your opinion or perspective is for just being here and listening and allowing me this medium to vent and reflect.

 

Honestly, you all rock

[jlola]

Peaks - I wish you well in your recovery. I also hope you will get to a point that their remembering or their actions in any regard have zero impact on your life.

 

Unless there is such a thing as a mind eraser, their actions will have some impact on her life.

 

I try very hard to think about how I treat people. I always put myself in their shoes. I have utmost respect for everyone. But at times, people have taken my kindness and respect for weakness. Then they see I am kind, but not weak.

 

I often hear people talking about not giving someone consequences and taking the "high road", "they will get theirs EVENTUALLY". What I have learned in life is that people who get forgiven with no consequences never learn. It is a sad lesson and has taken me years to understand.

 

There is no growth without pain. that is why we teach children their actions have consequences. No consequences lead to entitled and spoiled kids who lack empathy. Same with adults.