Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Ive asked this so mant times and never got a clear answer: instead of speculating, why domt you ASKHIM if the wife knows about you. You say in one breath that your glad they didnt split up b/c of you. Then in another breath say that surely she must know. So which is it? Also your MM himself lists being in love with you as a reason for splitting. So yes, it is on account of you. And yes you should have an open talk with MM about what his W knows It feels like at this point it doesn't make a difference if she knows or not She seems to know that she wants a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 (1). How exactly is she distancing herself when she continues to be his GF and sleep with him? (2). And I would hardly say 2 days away is "done and over with". (3). ..........Not to mention she should be aware, in case of any tumultuous fall out coming her way. Yeah the distancing didn't last very long but I am staying out of the matters between he and her. I agree is still fresh, but I've known him for awhile and never seen him more sure of something. And lastly.... Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
unicorn farts Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Since he's hiding financial assets with you I think you may need to talk to a lawyer as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 U_F, there is nothing linking him to anything on paper. I'm not worried about that Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 How exactly is she distancing herself when she continues to be his GF and sleep with him? And I would hardly say 2 days away is "done and over with". It is still an affair if it is still secret. He has spent 2 nites at his parents. Ending a marriage takes a long time. And what his wife knows is very relevant - it will have bearing on limony, custody and other matters. If OP is in a serious R with him, these things affect her. Not to mention she should be aware, in case of any tumultuous fall out coming her way. I agree, and the we are going to spend fun movie time together...really? OP, no disrespect at all as you are living this, not me, this just "smells bad" to me. Of course the whole cheating/affair thing does to me as well..no idea how people can do that. No idea how a man can fall in love with another woman, while, well, fffing married. It just disguists me. Sorry for the rant.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 A big part of me wants to be excited. I keep having moment of getting caught up daydreaming and I find myself smiling from ear to ear. With that being said there's another part of me that is filled with anxiety about maybe they'll reconcile. I was honest about that with him when he asked how I was feeling during all of this and he just assured me that that's not a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 No idea how a man can fall in love with another woman, while, well, fffing married. It just disguists me. Sorry for the rant.... You are in love with your wife when you marry her, 15,20,25yrs down the road you've changed, you better understand what you need to be happy in a relationship, your partner changes, xyz, abc. You and your partner are no longer feeling the love you once did X number of years ago. For ______ reasons you meet a person who you fall in love with for whatever reasons. Decide then to leave old partner for new partner OR take out a timeline to prepare for life transition of divorce OR of what reasons you can't D and have a love life with AP and a roommate type home life with old partner. Disgust you it may, irrelevant to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 I still suspect the only reason they are splitting is b/c she has kicked him out. I dont see him leaving on his own accord. Is that ok by you, getting a man by default b/c wife kicks him out? Is he meeting with an atty? Has he rented a place yet, or is he staying with family? If you two end up together, keep in mind the difficulties to be faced: his children will hate you, your children and his will be in a horrible position, he will be worse off.financially, he maybe depressed and resentful, he may associate or evenblame you for his pain and that of his children. I can't children hating me as they're still pretty young. Young enough where they don't really understand the dynamics of a marriage girlfriend boyfriend and all of that, keep in mind that I know them and they know of me as their father's friend and our children know each other and all the children together are very young and around the same age they all absolutely adore one another as we've done things as a group previously. His one child actually asked if he and I could be gf/bf. they're just all very young and not going to approach me with any angst I can guarantee that Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 You are in love with your wife when you marry her, 15,20,25yrs down the road you've changed, you better understand what you need to be happy in a relationship, your partner changes, xyz, abc. You and your partner are no longer feeling the love you once did X number of years ago. For ______ reasons you meet a person who you fall in love with for whatever reasons. Decide then to leave old partner for new partner OR take out a timeline to prepare for life transition of divorce OR of what reasons you can't D and have a love life with AP and a roommate type home life with old partner. Disgust you it may, irrelevant to me You don't just "meet" a person, fall in love, have sex....that is a "decision"...... Step 1, talk to spouse about issues/concerns/ falling out of love, I call it communication. Step 2, no resolution, move out. Both agree to work it out, seek counseling/therapy. Step 3, work on self, work on divorce Step 4, start new relationship(s) slowly only when ready I am not judging you at all, please understand that. His boundaries were weak at best. The ONLY experience I have with this was hanging out with a woman who told me she had a bf, things were not good, after a couple of "dates" (she had no idea I liked her so she did not think they were dates, though she did like me). I continued for a couple of weeks, no romance though (that was my boundary while I waited to hear more about the bf situation), and fnally told her I could not be the other man. She respected that and disappeared. Months later she contacted me AFTER her relationship was over. This is just me, again, no judgement on you or this man. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I can't children hating me as they're still pretty young. Young enough where they don't really understand the dynamics of a marriage girlfriend boyfriend and all of that, keep in mind that I know them and they know of me as their father's friend and our children know each other and all the children together are very young and around the same age they all absolutely adore one another as we've done things as a group previously. His one child actually asked if he and I could be gf/bf. they're just all very young and not going to approach me with any angst I can guarantee that Oh boy Lil it looks like once the cat is out of the bag (meaning once the wife gets wind of what REALLY happened to her M and who it was happening with) I have a feeling all hell will break loose. Just the fact that you were around her kids (as MOW was in our sitch) makes my skin crawl. It made me want to gouge her eyes out (I wouldn't really do it but I had that much anger, just because she was around my kids). Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 You are in love with your wife when you marry her, 15,20,25yrs down the road you've changed, you better understand what you need to be happy in a relationship, your partner changes, xyz, abc. You and your partner are no longer feeling the love you once did X number of years ago. For ______ reasons you meet a person who you fall in love with for whatever reasons. Decide then to leave old partner for new partner OR take out a timeline to prepare for life transition of divorce OR of what reasons you can't D and have a love life with AP and a roommate type home life with old partner. Disgust you it may, irrelevant to me It may very well be relevant to you if you decide you want a long term relationship with this man and possibly marriage in the future if he divorces his current wife. Better hope that he won't repeat the scenario you described above when its your turn to be his main SO. Once you've crossed that line the first time it gets easier to rinse, cycle, and repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah she may not like that thought, the kids really do love me and my kids so that's all I'm going to focus on. She can get mad and shake her fist in the air but it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I can't children hating me as they're still pretty young. Young enough where they don't really understand the dynamics of a marriage girlfriend boyfriend and all of that, keep in mind that I know them and they know of me as their father's friend and our children know each other and all the children together are very young and around the same age they all absolutely adore one another as we've done things as a group previously. His one child actually asked if he and I could be gf/bf. they're just all very young and not going to approach me with any angst I can guarantee that In practice, adultery rarely affects the outcome of custody decisions... except for when the WS has brought the AP around the kids. He will be lucky to get to be a "weekend dad" if your involvement with his kids comes out. The younger the kids are, the less likely they are to keep their mouths shut. When they tell the kids about the divorce, I'm betting a D-Day will happen if one hasn't already because one of the kids is surely going to ask if you and him can be boyfriend and girlfriend now if they feel as positive about your relationship as you say they do. Custody decisions are separate from the D stuff and can be altered at any time. So, even if she finds out after the D, the A can still alter things. The judge will be less likely to make dramatic changes after an arrangement is already in place, but it really just depends on the circumstances. Unfortunately, this means that it is still in his best interests to keep you a secret from her even after the D. This is one of the many reasons why relationships that start as As fail so frequently. People think divorce is the end of the drama and the hiding and it's not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah she may not like that thought, the kids really do love me and my kids so that's all I'm going to focus on. She can get mad and shake her fist in the air but it is what it is. The kids love you now because they do not know that you are sleeping with their father. Once they realize that Daddy and Mommy are not together anymore and that you are a large part of the equation as to WHY, they are not going to love you, they are going to despise you and want to protect their mother. Even if they are young they are not going to like you because they will see you as a reason for their Mother's pain and as a part of the disruption of their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 She can do more than just wave her fists in the air. Adultry cam be grounds to lose custody and can be a bar to alimony. The children will resent you when they are old enough to understand, if they arent old enough now. I think you are being very naive. I also think you dont reall care anout the children and fallout affecting them. I also think your self esteem is so low that you arent asking the questions you should or putting your well being first. But you shave and create no drama for MM, so thats good Yeah, pretty much agree. And him bringing the kids around, to meet you, well, that is, sick. This man has some serious boundary issues in my opinion. Take care of yourself and find a man who is "available". I go back to my safe comment, where this felt safe to you and maybe you are not emotionally available, either. Nothing wrong with that, just be careful trying to make something more permanent happen with him now or seeing him as free and available. This man is not even close to being available. Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah, pretty much agree. And him bringing the kids around, to meet you, well, that is, sick. This man has some serious boundary issues in my opinion. He as also brought Lil around his family as his "girlfriend" and they accept it. Also has made remarks about how un attracted he is to his wife. Poor boundaries and emotionally unaware. What they are doing would be such a double betrayal to anyone. Your children involved and hanging with the affair partner, your in-laws and others in the know. This is so incredibly disrespectful it goes beyond comprehension 2 adults think this is love. There is nothing loving in any of this. Fun times,texting all day and talking on phone and sex is not loving. Actions,trust and respect are. If you love your children , you respect their parent . You do not show such blatant disrespect. If you are that unhappy LEAVE!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It's not AP's fault that MP steps out on BS and they are unaware for an entire YEAR. Talk about not being in tune with your M. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It's not AP's fault that MP steps out on BS and they are unaware for an entire YEAR. Talk about not being in tune with your M. Or... talk about being lied to and gaslighted :rolleyes: Since you didn't know xMM in your situation was in already in a relationship, are you also saying that for the duration of your relationship you weren't "in tune" with it either? Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Or... talk about being lied to and gaslighted :rolleyes: Since you didn't know xMM in your situation was in already in a relationship, are you also saying that for the duration of your relationship you weren't "in tune" with it either? Sadly i wasnt. I was distracted with my now bf. Link to post Share on other sites
loveofhorses1970 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thank you for sharing what is happening to you. It's helping me understand my situation, as well. Whatever the outcome, it sounds like you will land on your feet. <3 Blessings <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It's not AP's fault that MP steps out on BS and they are unaware for an entire YEAR. Talk about not being in tune with your M. Your kidding me right? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Sadly i wasnt. I was distracted with my now bf. Well then, I guess you don't understand or haven't experienced what I was talking about! Oops! Carry on! Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Well then, I guess you don't understand or haven't experienced what I was talking about! Oops! Carry on! If by experience you mean take my SO for granted or lose sight of our R then no i guess not... and not planning on it either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 If by experience you mean take my SO for granted or lose sight of our R then no i guess not... and not planning on it either. No... that wasn't what I was talking about, lol. Don't really know where you got that from, either?? Anyways, sorry for the threadjack! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 You are in love with your wife when you marry her, 15,20,25yrs down the road you've changed, you better understand what you need to be happy in a relationship, your partner changes, xyz, abc. You and your partner are no longer feeling the love you once did X number of years ago. For ______ reasons you meet a person who you fall in love with for whatever reasons. Decide then to leave old partner for new partner OR take out a timeline to prepare for life transition of divorce OR of what reasons you can't D and have a love life with AP and a roommate type home life with old partner. Disgust you it may, irrelevant to me Good you feel this way so 10 years down the road when he does this to you at least you will understand. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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