Not attracted to my wife

[OhioJohn]

I have a problem. I am no longer attracted to my wife. I know I will garner some backlash from wives in a similar situation to what I am about to describe, but I need to get this off my chest and hopefuly get some good advice.

 

I have been married for 2 years and dating my wife for 7. Sex hasnt been great for a long time, and I hate to say it but I resent my wife for letting herself go. She has put on 60 pounds and it has affected her confidence and energy in the bedroom. Sex has become a repetitive, lights-out, infrequent snoozefest. Sorry to sound harsh, but its the truth. She complains about her weight and tells me she is going to start weight watchers and exercising. Ive heard this for years and nothing happens. I am encouraging and supportive, but the repeated behavior -saying one thing and doing the opposite - has worn me down. I have a hard time looking past her physical appearance. I dont want to hurt her, but I know my lack of sexual advances does hurt.

 

So what do I do? Suck it up? Take one for the team? That's what I feel like when I do feel like too much time has passed and I should try to have sex with my wife. Im not the kind of guy who expects, or even wants "perfection". I like a little extra weight and curves on a woman. But I simply am not attracted to my wife and it is really bothering me. Ive tried to be supportive and nice, but it has gotten me nowhere. Now im here in this sexless marraige, looking at other women all the time. Ive never cheated and I dont plan to, but I am depressed and resentful of my lackluster sex life.

 

I dont mean this thread to be insulting to overweight women. I know when we marry our spouses we take them as partners and accept them for who they are. I agree with that to a point. But make no mistake, physcial appearance is important for attraction. I love my wife, but i do not lust after her. I feel bad about it and I guess that's why im here. I need help. Anyone else in this situation? What do you do about it?

[beatcuff]

can you clarify:

 

when the weight gain started.

 

where it was at for the proposal/wedding (did the gain start after).

 

are there children involved and is that when the gain started - never lost the baby weight.

[ComingInHot]

OhioJohn,

Have you told her this? I understand that "lust" for your SO (especially Wife) is important

I certainly don't want to hop in the sack with a smelly, hairy, toothless old man that became that way from laziness and lack of caring for himself. and I KNOW I am Not shallow**

 

However, there may be some Important REASONS that her physical appearance has changes or she has subconsciously "let herself go".

 

-Has she had Children? Your Children? Pregnancy is BRUTAL on our bodies!!

-Has she experienced a Tragedy in her life? Death of a family member or close friend?

-Have You been supporting Her Needs in the Marriage? This is a BIG one and a bit tricky as you may Not truly realize what her NEEDS are. She may Not even know what they are or how important they are!

 

I learned something HUGE during M counseling with my H. I was doing A-Lot of things RIGHT because (and this may have to do with me being female, I don't know) I am pretty good at "reading" my H, but I was still missing 1 Very important Need for him and falling short on another. I stepped those two things up and WOW did things change... for him.

But I was still "hungry". He was Not meeting my needs and in fact not just Not meeting them but he was Stealing from what little reserve I did have that I got from others (not cheating! but love from children and family and friends*).

 

Here's the kicker - A.) I found out I had to Tell him SPECIFICALLY, IN DETAIL what I WANTED/NEEDED (I was told this was because he was a strong male...?) because Men are wired a bit differently, he didn't pick up on ALL My (what I thought were in his face) Hints!! I actually had to use direct, short sentences with small words and little emotion...

B.) He is Not very creative.

 

Things Have gotten better. Marriage is hard Work!!! I WISH I had TRULY understood BEFORE I had gotten Married, just how much work it would be.

 

It's even work to stay attracted to him sometimes too. thing is, we both try (at least I think we Both try) to meet the top most important needs for eachother then communicate if and when those needs aren't being met.

 

OhioJohn, It may be time to TELL YOUR Wife, using direct short sentences and small words how you are feeling towards her and about her. BUT you also have to be willing to Follow it up with supportive Actions!!!

Are you willing to go to M counseling? Are you ready to listen and I mean REALLY Listen to her? Are You ready to Meet her needs in your own very remarkably, creative way once you truly find out what they are?

 

I hope things get better for you. If they don't. At least you will know that you tried. Oh ya and DON'T CHEAT on her!! GRRRrrrrr

Separate or D BUT Don't CHEAT*

CIH*

[OhioJohn]

I dont expect - nor want - a "Baywatch babe" as you put it. And yes I did marry her because I love her and I wanted to make it work.

 

But over time, and after living with someone who day-in and day-out is down and negative about herself and continues to gain weight - knowing full well it is affecting our already poor sex life - is frustrating. I posted this because im at a point where I dont know what to say or do to get that attraction back.

 

"Take one for the team" is an expression. It means to do something you dont really want to do.

 

I know this kind of truth about weight and appearance is hurtful and angers many women, but its a fact that men (and women) need to be physically attracted to their partners.

 

The one thing I do agree with you about is that I entered into this marraige knowing that this was an issue. I hoped it would get better, that we would be more active and eat better together. And beleive me Ive made strides to do just that. I bought a juicer, we got rec center memberships and I push for us to go out on hikes and bike rides together. But she hasnt taken any initiative and doesnt seem like she's willing to make the effort. I was going to the gym alone because she was "too tired". I hope you can see that how over time resentment can build.

[OhioJohn]

OhioJohn,

Have you told her this? I understand that "lust" for your SO (especially Wife) is important

I certainly don't want to hop in the sack with a smelly, hairy, toothless old man that became that way from laziness and lack of caring for himself. and I KNOW I am Not shallow**

 

However, there may be some Important REASONS that her physical appearance has changes or she has subconsciously "let herself go".

 

-Has she had Children? Your Children? Pregnancy is BRUTAL on our bodies!!

-Has she experienced a Tragedy in her life? Death of a family member or close friend?

-Have You been supporting Her Needs in the Marriage? This is a BIG one and a bit tricky as you may Not truly realize what her NEEDS are. She may Not even know what they are or how important they are!

 

I learned something HUGE during M counseling with my H. I was doing A-Lot of things RIGHT because (and this may have to do with me being female, I don't know) I am pretty good at "reading" my H, but I was still missing 1 Very important Need for him and falling short on another. I stepped those two things up and WOW did things change... for him.

But I was still "hungry". He was Not meeting my needs and in fact not just Not meeting them but he was Stealing from what little reserve I did have that I got from others (not cheating! but love from children and family and friends*).

 

Here's the kicker - A.) I found out I had to Tell him SPECIFICALLY, IN DETAIL what I WANTED/NEEDED (I was told this was because he was a strong male...?) because Men are wired a bit differently, he didn't pick up on ALL My (what I thought were in his face) Hints!! I actually had to use direct, short sentences with small words and little emotion...

B.) He is Not very creative.

 

Things Have gotten better. Marriage is hard Work!!! I WISH I had TRULY understood BEFORE I had gotten Married, just how much work it would be.

 

It's even work to stay attracted to him sometimes too. thing is, we both try (at least I think we Both try) to meet the top most important needs for eachother then communicate if and when those needs aren't being met.

 

OhioJohn, It may be time to TELL YOUR Wife, using direct short sentences and small words how you are feeling towards her and about her. BUT you also have to be willing to Follow it up with supportive Actions!!!

Are you willing to go to M counseling? Are you ready to listen and I mean REALLY Listen to her? Are You ready to Meet her needs in your own very remarkably, creative way once you truly find out what they are?

 

I hope things get better for you. If they don't. At least you will know that you tried. Oh ya and DON'T CHEAT on her!! GRRRrrrrr

Separate or D BUT Don't CHEAT*

CIH*

 

Thank you. This is constructive and it makes sense to me. We have talked about counselling and I think it may be time. I dont know. I really dont want to hurt her, but I cannot help the way I feel. My needs are not being met, and I feel like she isnt too concerned with meeting my needs or else she would try. My resentment has made me feel jaded and uninterested in meeting her needs. Its not a good situation. Ive tried in the past to jumpstart our sex life, but it doesnt last. Like your husband, she does not pick up on little subtle hints (like buying the Juicer or signing up for a gym membership). I may have to be direct and blunt. I dont want to crush her, but I know my behavior is not healthy. I will not cheat. I love my family too much to risk it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Be honest with her about it. Then help her make the changes

 

You just have to be very direct and brutally honest about the entire thing. It's going to hurt her feelings, she may even get mad at you but here's the thing.....if it helps her to get the extra weight off and get in shape, she will feel so much better about herself.

 

If you really are not attracted to her anymore and your eye is wondering...tell her that, it's much better then having an affair or walking away from your marriage.

 

After you tell her (be sure to tell her you love her a bunch of times) then help her by going for walks / jogs in the morning or at night. Go play tennis with her or start an exercise program at home with her...you should be willing to do it too and be a source of encouragement and support. Start eating healthier....do protein shakes.

Go do Sunday "cheat feasts" with her....make it your thing. On Sundays you guys can have ice cream or cake or mac n cheese.....whatever you want It help to have something to look forward to after eating greens all week and busting your glutes!! Celebrate her small successes with her

 

Don't just take one for the team.....BE A PART OF THE TEAM! It's you and her team (last name).....buy her a pair of running shoes a gps watch and sign up with fitness pal to help track your calories.

 

Get into it and make it fun, make it your thing....it's you and her, it's what you do together.

 

Good luck

 

I'm telling you now....she needs you to tell her you are losing the "fire" for her....otherwise, she may not be willing to give a lifestyle change a chance. If she thinks her fat might cause you to stray......she will do all she can to blast that fat away!

My opinion of course!!

 

I appreciate your advice to the OP. but quite frankly its a waste of time...

 

I went through the same issue..My wife put on 80+ lbs shortly after gatting married. Ive always been a gym nut and was never overweight-ever..

 

I tried to say it in a nice way, but all she did was get upset...

 

The point is that they need to do it for themselves, rather than with a gun to their head. Whats the point of threatening to leave someone if they dont lose weight? Then you are doing it for all the wrong reasons...

 

Im not saying this doesnt happen with guys and women, but IME the OP's scenario is quite common. Its a huge reason why guys alienate women in the bedroom. No one is saying that someone cant put on a little weight, its normal with aging and what not...But when someone puts on a LOT of weight(and doesnt take care of themselves, grooming, etc)...Then they become a "different" person...if that makes any sense.

 

I wish the OP well..If she doesnt do it of her own accord, then you arent going to get anywhere..Coercion is not the answer here.

 

TFY

[OhioJohn]

Be honest with her about it. Then help her make the changes

 

You just have to be very direct and brutally honest about the entire thing. It's going to hurt her feelings, she may even get mad at you but here's the thing.....if it helps her to get the extra weight off and get in shape, she will feel so much better about herself.

 

If you really are not attracted to her anymore and your eye is wondering...tell her that, it's much better then having an affair or walking away from your marriage.

 

After you tell her (be sure to tell her you love her a bunch of times) then help her by going for walks / jogs in the morning or at night. Go play tennis with her or start an exercise program at home with her...you should be willing to do it too and be a source of encouragement and support. Start eating healthier....do protein shakes.

Go do Sunday "cheat feasts" with her....make it your thing. On Sundays you guys can have ice cream or cake or mac n cheese.....whatever you want It help to have something to look forward to after eating greens all week and busting your glutes!! Celebrate her small successes with her

 

Don't just take one for the team.....BE A PART OF THE TEAM! It's you and her team (last name).....buy her a pair of running shoes a gps watch and sign up with fitness pal to help track your calories.

 

Get into it and make it fun, make it your thing....it's you and her, it's what you do together.

 

Good luck

 

I'm telling you now....she needs you to tell her you are losing the "fire" for her....otherwise, she may not be willing to give a lifestyle change a chance. If she thinks her fat might cause you to stray......she will do all she can to blast that fat away!

My opinion of course!!

 

I have done a lot of what you've suggested. Ive pushed for eating healthier only to come home from work to empty bags of Starbursts and twizzlers. Ive begged her to join me at the gym after work, but she tells me she is too tired. Ive asked her to only bring home healthy foods to find grocery bags filled with cookie dough and ice cream.

 

Its frustrating, and it has really worn me down to a point where its getting easier to stop worrying about it. To feel numb and just accept it. But this is my life and I want hot passionate fun varied sex. I want to lust after my wife, but I just dont know how to get her to turn things around anymore.

[ComingInHot]

OhioJohn wote, " I may have to be direct and blunt. I dont want to crush her, but I know my behavior is not healthy. I will not cheat. I love my family too much to risk it. "

 

Here's the thing. She probably Already "knows" she's "put on a few". She is obsessed with it and wants things to change BUT she is so depressed she is can't seem to take that step.

She has Become her own worst enemy. And in a Marriage, that is so very damaging.

 

You CAN Tell her what she already knows. It WILL Hurt her. BUT IF YOU FOLLOW IT UP WITH something like, " Honey I Hate what this is doing to us because I Love You so much! Because our M is Important to me, I have ALREADY made an appointment with a Marriage Councilor for us to work this out, for Both of us. I plead with you to do this with me. What do you say?"

If she says yes, then GREAT! If she says No, then gently let her know that you will STILL be going by yourself!!!

I think You will need to as living with resentment that will continue to grow is NOT healthy and you may have some "fixing" to do on yourself on your own then some tough decisions.

 

Best luck*

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

I know when we marry our spouses we take them as partners and accept them for who they are.

 

 

 

Which in your wife's case was 60 lbs ago. That is an excessive weight gain and a legitimate game-changer. Would you expect your wife to still desire you if you gained 60 lbs and just sat around and did nothing about it? Would you expect her desire you if you just sat around and bitched about your weight and did nothing romantic for her her and just layed there like a blob with the lights off when she was trying to make you to you?

 

Would anyone question her or blink an eye if she eventually left you to find satisfactory love life?

 

You have legitimate grievances here and are justified in seeking solutions. Solutions which include up to terminating the relationship in search for someone healthier, more vigorous and with an intake sex drive.

[JamesM]

I understand totally. I have been married for almost 25 years and weight has been an issue for my wife during the whole time and while we dated. While we dated, she had lost probably 40# and looked great. After we married it went up and down.

 

TOFTT is not a good thing when we discuss marriage.

 

Your first mistake was walking into marriage thinking you could change her. Don't let your second be having kids in hoping that will change her. And don't let your third be divorce without knowing that she won't change.

 

Questions.....

 

What are your ages?

Is this a first marriage for both?

I assumed no children, but is that true?

What does she do all day?

How often do you have sex?

Has she had any child hood issues with weight? Did she lose for you (or so you thought) while dating?

 

I am sure I will think of more.

 

Advice....

 

In order to change her (despite me saying you can't change her...it IS possible), you need to accept her as she is and love her. Only then will your advice be received. Now she feels that to get your love, she must meet a standard. No one wants that.

 

Right now, my wife needs to lose a good forty. Oddly, for the most part, it doesn't affect my attraction to her. However, it DOES affect her attraction to herself...and hence her ability to think I am attracted to her. Yet that alone does not get her motivated. My wife has some other issues that your wife probably does not, but still the idea is the same. Your wife needs to be motivated on her own and care for HER reasons. You can not put your reasons on her and set your standards as hers.

 

I hate gyms but I work out every morning. My wife doesn't mind them and we both belonged years ago. She no longer does. We have a weight and exercise room. My kids use it. She does not. Yet we kinda built it for her.

 

My point is....no matter how I plead or beg or give reasons why it will make her feel better, I cannot change her. She needs to do that on her own. What I can do is still love her and show her how I care for her in spite of her weakness and flaw when it comes to weight.

 

We all have weaknesses and mine is not weight gain...right now. I gained 40# over time and then realized how it affected my health. I lost it and have kept it off. My wife did not get after me to do it except that she sent me to the doctor for a checkup...which got me started. She may have mentioned that she was afraid I would die of a heart attack and not be able to see my kids grow up. She never made me feel less loved because I looked a little pregnant. She never made me feel less handsome because I was not as slim as when we met (which I am now).

 

Love your wife as she is. Learn to appreciate what you loved and focus on that. Tell her what you love.

 

The more you focus on her weight even if in your own mind, the more you will think of her for only her weight and resent her.

 

Don't love her for what she isn't. Love her for what she is. We all want someone to love us unconditionally. I am sure she does too.

[OhioJohn]

Which in your wife's case was 60 lbs ago. That is an excessive weight gain and a legitimate game-changer. Would you expect your wife to still desire you if you gained 60 lbs and just sat around and did nothing about it? Would you expect her desire you if you just sat around and bitched about your weight and did nothing romantic for her her and just layed there like a blob with the lights off when she was trying to make you to you?

 

Would anyone question her or blink an eye if she eventually left you to find satisfactory love life?

 

You have legitimate grievances here and are justified in seeking solutions. Solutions which include up to terminating the relationship in search for someone healthier, more vigorous and with an intake sex drive.

 

I think the door swings both ways on this issue and I would fully expect my wife to look elsewhere if I let myself go and was not showing any signs of fixing it. She knows these are issues and she says she needs to lose weight and get healthier. But honestly I roll my eyes and nod when she makes these promises that are never fullfilled. I told her specifically not too long ago that I wanted "both of us to lose weight, get healthy and get more energy for bedtime." She says she agrees, but then acts in the opposite manner. Whats even harder is when she asks me "are you still attracted to me?" or "Do you want to have sex with me?". I dont make advances because im not attracted anymore. I genuinely feel bad about that. I know she knows how I feel, and the fact that she doesnt try to make changes is what really bothers me. There is not light at the end of the tunnel. I fear I will live the rest of my days living without passion and craving sex from other women - going unfulfilled.

[oldshirt]

As far as what to do about it, that gets a little more tricky as she is the that actually has to walk away from the Twizzlers and get off the couch and burn calories.

 

The best thing you can do is take good care of yourself and stay fit, well dressed, stylish and desirable as a man. Encourage and support her in joining you in the pursuit of health and vitality.

 

As you do this She will see other women that are more healthy and attractive noticing you and we realize she can be replaced without much effort.

 

That will lead her to do one of two things. What we hope for is she will get a wake up call and step up to the plate.

 

One of the first steps you'll want to take is to get her to a doctor and see if there are any other medical conditions that may be contributing to her condition.

 

If she does not follow with any of this it will probably come down to giving her the ultimatum that she either joins the team and gets with the program or you will eventually fall completely out of love with her.

 

The catch for you though is you have to actually be at the point you really mean it and are completely ready to walk.

 

The other is she will throw in the towel and check out. If she checks out you are within your right to terminate the marriage and move on.

[carhill]

I love my wife, but i do not lust after her. I feel bad about it and I guess that's why im here. I need help. Anyone else in this situation? What do you do about it?

 

What I'm hearing is that you're pretty clear about the issues but lack the tools to resolve them. You need a toolbox and some targeted tools.

 

Having been through some of what you're speaking and also having made some bad choices in the milieu, and later finding the tools, I'll suggest you find the tools first and avoid making the bad choices.

 

Try this: Ask around and get a referral to a well-recommended MC. Call them up and make an appointment for next week. Don't be perturbed if they are 'full'. Cancellations happen. Most MC's have schedules which accommodate working people, if that is an issue. Once arranged, then simply state to your wife 'I made an appointment with a MC for xxxx time on xxx date. Will you join me?' Accept whatever her answer is. Keep the appointment and interview the MC and, if feeling a good fit, proceed to direct them to work your issue, apparently lack of physical attraction and communication/resolution issues. In MC, the marriage is the client, so work necessarily will be to build a healthier marriage. Be prepared to hold a mirror up to yourself and examine your own perspectives and actions critically. A good MC will hold that mirror up and take you to task for your role in the M.

 

One day at a time. Good luck.

[OhioJohn]

I understand totally. I have been married for almost 25 years and weight has been an issue for my wife during the whole time and while we dated. While we dated, she had lost probably 40# and looked great. After we married it went up and down.

 

TOFTT is not a good thing when we discuss marriage.

 

Your first mistake was walking into marriage thinking you could change her. Don't let your second be having kids in hoping that will change her. And don't let your third be divorce without knowing that she won't change.

.

Questions.....

 

What are your ages? Im 39, she is 35

Is this a first marriage for both? Yes

I assumed no children, but is that true? Yes.

What does she do all day? I dont know. She raises our child.

How often do you have sex? Once ever couple of months.

Has she had any child hood issues with weight? Did she lose for you (or so you thought) while dating? She started gaining weight a year or so after we started dating. She was overweight before pregnancy. She is the same now after pregnancy. Im not aware of any childhood weight issues. Ive seen pictures of her when she was growing up and she was not big.

 

I agree that I need to accept her for who she is. But my point really is that on a basic human sexual level, it is impossible to overlook the obvious physical changes. They are considerable. And like you, I dont make a big deal about it. It is when she is talking about how fat she is, and how pregnant she looks and then gets upset when im not making advances on her that really bother me. Over time it wears me down and I start to agree with what she is saying. She doesnt feel sexy, she hides her body and I want a lover who feels good and looks good. Doesnt mean I dont lover her or want her to be happy, but I simply cant imagine going through life pretending her appearance doesnt bother me. I dont think its shallow. As I said in response to another post - I would expect the same resentment and non-attraction if I let myself go.

[carhill]

OP, accept that you have no control over her. You have complete and absolute control over you. That's a lot of power. Power can be used for many purposes. To help. To hurt. You choose how you use your power.

 

Agreement without acceptance is not agreement. You choose how you agree/disagree. 'How' is extremely important in these dynamics, IMO.

[OhioJohn]

As far as what to do about it, that gets a little more tricky as she is the that actually has to walk away from the Twizzlers and get off the couch and burn calories.

 

The best thing you can do is take good care of yourself and stay fit, well dressed, stylish and desirable as a man. Encourage and support her in joining you in the pursuit of health and vitality.

 

As you do this She will see other women that are more healthy and attractive noticing you and we realize she can be replaced without much effort.

 

That will lead her to do one of two things. What we hope for is she will get a wake up call and step up to the plate.

 

One of the first steps you'll want to take is to get her to a doctor and see if there are any other medical conditions that may be contributing to her condition.

 

If she does not follow with any of this it will probably come down to giving her the ultimatum that she either joins the team and gets with the program or you will eventually fall completely out of love with her.

 

The catch for you though is you have to actually be at the point you really mean it and are completely ready to walk.

 

The other is she will throw in the towel and check out. If she checks out you are within your right to terminate the marriage and move on.

 

I hear you. These kinds of thoughts have entered my mind. I dont want to give up and walk away from my marraige. Eventhough I crave other women all the time and tend to take care of my needs myself, I just dont want to walk away from my family. I love them. I think what im getting from this forum is the advice to have a clear, open and direct talk with my wife about my issues. I dont want to be harsh, but I need to somehow put my feelings on the table.

[OhioJohn]

What I'm hearing is that you're pretty clear about the issues but lack the tools to resolve them. You need a toolbox and some targeted tools.

 

Having been through some of what you're speaking and also having made some bad choices in the milieu, and later finding the tools, I'll suggest you find the tools first and avoid making the bad choices.

 

Try this: Ask around and get a referral to a well-recommended MC. Call them up and make an appointment for next week. Don't be perturbed if they are 'full'. Cancellations happen. Most MC's have schedules which accommodate working people, if that is an issue. Once arranged, then simply state to your wife 'I made an appointment with a MC for xxxx time on xxx date. Will you join me?' Accept whatever her answer is. Keep the appointment and interview the MC and, if feeling a good fit, proceed to direct them to work your issue, apparently lack of physical attraction and communication/resolution issues. In MC, the marriage is the client, so work necessarily will be to build a healthier marriage. Be prepared to hold a mirror up to yourself and examine your own perspectives and actions critically. A good MC will hold that mirror up and take you to task for your role in the M.

 

One day at a time. Good luck.

 

Can Marraige counselling get your spouse to lose weight? I just feel like if we go we will be slinging issues at each other. She knows her weight is an issue. So I am concerned that going to a counsellor would be an expensive way to reiterate what we already know.

[JamesM]

B

You just have to be very direct and brutally honest about the entire thing. It's going to hurt her feelings, she may even get mad at you but here's the thing.....if it helps her to get the extra weight off and get in shape, she will feel so much better about herself.

 

If she thinks her fat might cause you to stray......she will do all she can to blast that fat away!

My opinion of course!!

 

I respect your opinion and coming from a woman, it is a different one.

 

Having dealt with this for years, it is an up and down battle. First, never, never (from my experience) tell her that she needs to lose weight to keep you, OJ. It may (if you are lucky) get you short term results, but it will not get long term results. Essentially, you are telling her that your love hinges on her weight. For someone who has a weight problem, this is a rejection of her as a person.

 

That is why I say love her as she is, and then give her advice. If she knows that you love her, then she can accept it as loving.

 

Marriage is hard Work!!! I WISH I had TRULY understood BEFORE I had gotten Married, just how much work it would be.

 

It's even work to stay attracted Oh ya and DON'T CHEAT on her!! GRRRrrrrr

Separate or D BUT Don't CHEAT*

CIH*

 

This bears repeating. marriage IS very hard work.

 

But I would say that to separate or divorce or cheat...all are simply a copout. You made a vow. She made a vow. Now is the time for you to honor it despite the fact that she may not be honoring hers to your satisfaction. Your hard work may pay out huge dividends for you, your wife, and above all your child.

[OhioJohn]

I respect your opinion and coming from a woman, it is a different one.

 

Having dealt with this for years, it is an up and down battle. First, never, never (from my experience) tell her that she needs to lose weight to keep you, OJ. It may (if you are lucky) get you short term results, but it will not get long term results. Essentially, you are telling her that your love hinges on her weight. For someone who has a weight problem, this is a rejection of her as a person.

 

That is why I say love her as she is, and then give her advice. If she knows that you love her, then she can accept it as loving.

 

 

 

This bears repeating. marriage IS very hard work.

 

But I would say that to separate or divorce or cheat...all are simply a copout. You made a vow. She made a vow. Now is the time for you to honor it despite the fact that she may not be honoring hers to your satisfaction. Your hard work may pay out huge dividends for you, your wife, and above all your child.

 

That is the fine line I guess im worried about crossing. I love her and I want her to be happy. But she does not turn me on anymore. That is a big part of marraige and its hard to seperate sexual satisfaction from overall satisfaction. To this point I have been taking matters into my own hand so to speak and I dont plan on cheating or walking out. I dont ever want to lose my family. Am I relegated to masturbating and occassionally having boring sex to keep any sembelence of a physical relationship with my wife? I feel that she does not really enjoy sex much either. We do it because we should. And that stinks.

[carhill]

Can Marraige counselling get your spouse to lose weight? I just feel like if we go we will be slinging issues at each other. She knows her weight is an issue. So I am concerned that going to a counsellor would be an expensive way to reiterate what we already know.

One perspective is, if you have it all figured out, why are you here? Ergo, what is different/the same posing your questions and offering your perspectives to a group of strangers versus one stranger who is professionally trained to assist people psychologically? Is it possible that you could go to a MC for the same reason you came to LS? The only difference, besides being non-professionals, is that we are 'free'. How much is your marriage and family worth? How much is your personal psychological health worth? Only you can make such decisions. MC takes what you think you know, clarifies it and helps you decide where to go. It's your path and I wish you and your family well on it.

[JamesM]

Can Marraige counselling get your spouse to lose weight? I just feel like if we go we will be slinging issues at each other. She knows her weight is an issue. So I am concerned that going to a counsellor would be an expensive way to reiterate what we already know.

 

Counseling may help you discover that weight is NOT the issue despite what you may think.

 

YOU assume that weight is the issue, because it is for you. SHE may reveal that weight is a symptom of what is the real issue for her.

[OhioJohn]

Counseling may help you discover that weight is NOT the issue despite what you may think.

 

YOU assume that weight is the issue, because it is for you. SHE may reveal that weight is a symptom of what is the real issue for her.

 

I think all issues are inter-related. Its a chicken and the egg scenario, but it definately relates to the weight issue. I am not attracted to my wife anymore - at all. I dont want to hurt her by telling her that. The residual effect is that I do not make advances in exchange for not continuing to push her to change things. It has become "an elephant in the room" that I just dont ever talk about. (I dont mean that as a fat joke). She knows her weight is an issue. She talks about it all the time. She must know my lack of sexual desire is because of this. But if there are other deeper phsycological issues going on that contribute to this unfortunate situation on her part I dont know. I can speak for myself in saying that if i was attracted and excited to have sex with my wife then I would be making effort to have more. And I know when we have sex we get along better too. Its a win-win.

[thefooloftheyear]

That is the fine line I guess im worried about crossing. I love her and I want her to be happy. But she does not turn me on anymore. That is a big part of marraige and its hard to seperate sexual satisfaction from overall satisfaction. To this point I have been taking matters into my own hand so to speak and I dont plan on cheating or walking out. I dont ever want to lose my family. Am I relegated to masturbating and occassionally having boring sex to keep any sembelence of a physical relationship with my wife? I feel that she does not really enjoy sex much either. We do it because we should. And that stinks.

 

 

Pretty much.....

 

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I think all issues are inter-related. Its a chicken and the egg scenario, but it definately relates to the weight issue. I am not attracted to my wife anymore - at all. I dont want to hurt her by telling her that. The residual effect is that I do not make advances in exchange for not continuing to push her to change things. It has become "an elephant in the room" that I just dont ever talk about. (I dont mean that as a fat joke). She knows her weight is an issue. She talks about it all the time. She must know my lack of sexual desire is because of this. But if there are other deeper phsycological issues going on that contribute to this unfortunate situation on her part I dont know. I can speak for myself in saying that if i was attracted and excited to have sex with my wife then I would be making effort to have more. And I know when we have sex we get along better too. Its a win-win.

 

Its seems so basic, simple and easy...doesnt it?

 

TFY

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look OhioJohn, there's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling or thinking, it's normal to have a reduced sexual attraction to your woman (even if you love her!) when she's gained a considerable amount of weight...you do not have control over this, you cannot make your brain wire itself in a way that will find fat attractive.

 

A lot of women are going to bash you, who cares! let them slam you with an anvil over your head because you're expressing how most men think and feel about this scenario, they want this sugar-coated fantasy that men don't care once they "love you" what you do with your body or health and that you should be "supportive, caring and loving"...

 

Look john, that shet don't work....a woman's fat because of her own damn issues and problems, and there's nothing you can do or say to change that so stop blaming yourself and feeling bad for someone else's problem they've likely had their entire lives...nobody I've met really enjoys the fat and typically feels less sexy and attractive for it, if they're one of those humans that's wired different then good for them...it's not bad to be comfortable with yourself, but chances are she's got deeper more emotional/psychological issues that enable her to do things that caused her to gain that weight, some people find comfort and use food as a coping mechanism and it makes them indulge in their emotional distress...but it is not the man's sole responsibility to bear the burden and be the emotional punching bag because a woman has issues...she needs counseling/therapy or whatever it is to deal with her issues that enable her overeating or what not...weight gain like that is a sign of something more engrained.

 

So realize there's only so much you can do...nobody out there can "fix" somebody else by being supportive, loving and all that crap...it doesn't work, that person with the issue has to be motivated and build the courage to face what's really happening them underneath...there is no shortcuts or fantasy cures.

 

When it comes to your sexual attraction it is what it is...it's going to be there or it's not, it's not your fault you don't find fat sexy just because it's on your wife...so tired of women dumping their crap on men like that and then they sit here and yap and complain when their men never changed and expected them to down the line but he's "still the same"....completely hypocritical, the difference is women usually load on this weight after the relationship settles in...and then blame us for not being attracted to it? what a bait and switch man.

 

But no, you're supposed to do this and that, feel this way and that and all these other guys pussy out and tuck their heads because nobody wants to be the "guy" that says how he really feels about it and how it affects men, instead just try to find some other miracle cure to making it work...don't take responsibility for it...I'm sure you did your part and tried to be as helpful and supportive as you know how to be.

 

Counseling may help bring out some of the deeper issues and help you see the relationship more transparently, especially since your communication is likely not all that great...you also have to realize that just because you say something or feel something that is going to make a woman feel bad or hurt, it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't say it...if it really affects the way you feel then express that it's something that bothers you...the only thing is you have to twist and contort it in a way that's more supportive, sensitive and like there's something you can do "together"....women don't like doing shet alone, they always want this man to help them out with it, that's why they married you after all, they expect things from you when you do that.

 

The more resentment and guilt you feel for something you can't control, the more you repress it and the more it will destroy you on the inside...do not put yourself through that just because some of these women want to want to harass and shame men for feeling the way they do, to keep you from expressing yourself and keep themselves from accepting the truth, saying how you feel and actually trying to fix the problem or find a realistic solution is the better way to go and that might mean some major changes in the marriage or in the end you move on, that's up to you...but it is not your obligation to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else feelings who I can almost guarantee you she is fully aware and unhappy with herself anyway.