Not attracted to my wife

[pteromom]

There is a point to which you are reasonably chubby, to being obese and unhealthy. Each person has their defining line of what is attractive and what is not. I dont think anyone looks at a 300 lb woman and craves her (well, maybe a fetish person would). So where is that line? I think my tastes are very liberal. I like women of most shapes and sizes. I like some extra curves and soft skin. Thats femine. But my wife has gone beyond what I find physically attractive. You're right though, if she was confident and felt sexy, and acted that way in the bedroom I would be much more inclined to want her in that way.

 

I get that.

 

What you are doing isn't working though, so it is time to try something different. You only control your part of the patterns of your relationship, so if you shake things up and do things differently, you may get different results.

 

I still say focus on the sex. Talk to her about what you want your sex life to be and try to work on it. Take a weekend in a nice hotel to just rediscover each other (and even if you are grossed out by the fat, don't show it!)

 

I think being honest about how you feel about her weight would backfire on you and make her even more depressed and hopeless about it.

[OhioJohn]

Nothing is more of a turn off than poor spelling.

 

 

Just teasing you.

 

 

 

I don't think you realize what weight gain does to a woman. It is so hard to motivate yourself when you feel horrible about yourself. I realize the irony in that, and I realize that weight is a solvable problem. But when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, it's depressing, and the natural reaction is to drown sorrows in Ben and Jerry's, not to go work out.

 

Your lack of attraction isn't helping. She already knows you have less sex with her, and you turn the lights out, and you no longer want to see her body. Trust me - she knows!

 

I am NOT saying to accept it and move on, but instead to approach the issue from a whole different angle. When you bring home a juicer and try to convince her to use it, she knows exactly what you are really saying, and it just makes her sadder.

 

Instead, how about being loving. Make her feel desired and loved and appreciated, even if you aren't really feeling it. Be accepting and kind and try to meet her needs. If you can get her self-esteem and sensuality back up, the desire for weight loss just may follow.

 

Beleive me. The juicer was something for both of us to make a part of our diet. We both need to be more healthy. All I was doing was trying to encourage her to eat better and substitue fruits and veggies for twizzlers and ice cream. I know she knows im not attracted to her. She asks it all the time. I do tell her I love her and that I want us both to be happy, healthy and enjoy a good sex life. But honestly, you're asking me to lie to her about my feeling desire for her. I appreciate her and I care for her of course. I have stayed this course of being supportive and silent about my lack of lust for her and it has not had any positive effects. I feel like telling her how sexy she is and how much I desire her will only reinforce and validate her belief that its ok to look the way she does. I dont want her to think im happy with her obesity - because im not.

[hotgurl]

I have not suggested or do I want divorce. I want a good sex life.

 

I get that wedding vows are important. I wish to uphold mine as well. But to suggest that I should somehow ignore the way my partner looks and be just as fulfilled and turned on is rediculous. If I put on 60 pounds and complained about it all the time while doing nothing about it, I think my partner has grounds to stand on to be displeased and not sexually interested in me. The binding contract of marraige, as defined by a church states you love and accept your partner in all respects. I just cannot seperate a lack of attraction and a healthy relationship overall. I will love my wife and provide for her, but this lingering issue has put a wedge between us that we both know is there. If you're suggesting I just accept it and move on, well, that's what I am currently doing, and im not happy.

 

Is it really the extra pounds that are bugging you or is it the complaining, negativity and inactivity that is really turning you off?

 

If she was at least trying a little would you be more attracted to her? I mention it because you have mentioned her attitude several times.

 

Do you feel like she prefers her food and "lifestyle" over you?

[JamesM]

I know she knows im not attracted to her. She asks it all the time. I do tell her I love her and that I want us both to be happy, healthy and enjoy a good sex life. But honestly, you're asking me to lie to her about my feeling desire for her.

 

Personally, I would ask you to reexamine what you love about her and learn to desire her based on that. It sounds stupid to say that physical beauty isn't everything, but it isn't. Why? Because I know that if you or any other guy here looked at my wife and then compared her to your favorite Miss America competitor, then my wife would fail. yet when I do it, She wins every time. Why? Because to me there is so much more than outward beauty.

 

And desire from visual attraction isn't the only thing. Desire can be from wanting HER no matter how she looks and when she isn't at her best.

 

 

I feel like telling her how sexy she is and how much I desire her will only reinforce and validate her belief that its ok to look the way she does. I dont want her to think im happy with her obesity - because im not.

 

The women here will have to share their feelings, but I think from what I know that the opposite may occur.

[OhioJohn]

I get that.

 

What you are doing isn't working though, so it is time to try something different. You only control your part of the patterns of your relationship, so if you shake things up and do things differently, you may get different results.

 

I still say focus on the sex. Talk to her about what you want your sex life to be and try to work on it. Take a weekend in a nice hotel to just rediscover each other (and even if you are grossed out by the fat, don't show it!)

 

I think being honest about how you feel about her weight would backfire on you and make her even more depressed and hopeless about it.

 

I agree with your last statement. That is exactly why I havent said outright my issue. Im sure she knows. I havent been nearly as affectionate, nor have I initiated sex more than a few times over the past year because im not aroused by her.

 

I have anxiety about it at times. Nights that I feel like I "should" initiate sex to keep the peace, I wonder if I can even get an erection. On a side note I do not have any erectile difficulties or medical conditions. I simply mean I could be laying with her and feel nothing but resentment and indifference to her physically. I tried to focus on other things and that is what can get me in the mood. But i dont like feeling this way. I want to be attracted to my wife and enjoy all of her.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no doubt that physical looks are important, but as you know, they do become less important when you look at the personality attached to it.

I think it's also important to note that weight is but one aspect of physical appearance. My wife has a flawless complexion many women would kill for. I'm a sucker for long hair and she has beautiful blond locks. She's consistently well-groomed and she smells great! (how do women do that?). I could go on and on and I try to compliment her on those qualities every day. Different approach for me than thinking about how much she weighs ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OhioJohn]

Is it really the extra pounds that are bugging you or is it the complaining, negativity and inactivity that is really turning you off?

 

If she was at least trying a little would you be more attracted to her? I mention it because you have mentioned her attitude several times.

 

Do you feel like she prefers her food and "lifestyle" over you?

 

Yes, her negative and combative attitude are a huge part of this problem. I feel like if she was making effort to look good, it would show me that she cares enough to try and arouse me. I feel like shes comfortable, while not necessarily happy, and knows she has me as a partner, so she doesnt need to make effort. That attitude turns me off. She makes no effort to look sexy or act in a way that would turn me on. To be fair, I dont come on to her either. I think she takes the easy way out and eats a lot of bad food and does zero exercise instead of trying to correct something that has been a major issue for many years.

[JamesM]

For the record and by the way, please understand that many of us (especially us older guys who have been married for many years) are not meaning to beat you up or discount your feelings.

 

Far from it.

 

I think I can speak for most or all of the older when I say that we have felt as you do at one point or another and we are simply offering advice based on what worked for us.

[OhioJohn]

I think it's also important to note that weight is but one aspect of physical appearance. My wife has a flawless complexion many women would kill for. I'm a sucker for long hair and she has beautiful blond locks. She's consistently well-groomed and she smells great! (how do women do that?). I could go on and on and I try to compliment her on those qualities every day. Different approach for me than thinking about how much she weighs ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I respect your opinion eventhough I personally do not agree with it. Weight is not everything. You're right there. I know there is more to a person than their physical appearance. That's why I love my wife. But i find it impossible to ignore her obesity and the idea that it will never improve and only get worse with age. I am not attracted to obese women. I know many men are, and thats great. I think my wife has some great qualities, but her body has been a turn off for me for a long time. Again, I look at this a something we can work on together. Her and I, eating better and excercising. I want her to feel sexy, to dress the way she dreams of dressing and to keep me feeling turned on by her. I know that's what she wants because she's said so.

 

If she was 100% confident with herself as she is now and loved sex and being naked and trying new things then I would feel a lot more horny around her. But no matter what I say, its her own self image that keeps this cycle of eating and obesity lingering like a dark cloud over our bedroom.

[xxoo]

I am not talking here about the natural effects of aging. I am also not asking for physical perfection or anything close to that. My wife looks almost nothing like she did when I met her 7 years ago. We are still (relatively) young people. It is the fact that she herself complains about being "fat" and continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle that bothers me most. The things youre talking about - thinking hair, wrinkles, etc are natural and cannot be avoided. I do find older women VERY attractive. What I dont find appealing are people that let themselves go because they are comfortable. I feel like we all have a responsibility to look and feel the best we can for our partners. Im not saying im perfect - far from it - but I make effort. I exercise and eat reasonably well.

 

Maybe it would help you change your perspective if you stop thinking about it as something she can control. She obviously is not succeeding at controlling it. The fact that she theoretically could control her weight doesn't really matter if the fact is that she can't control it in reality.

 

If you could let go of her weight and simply accept her as a person, you might rediscover her more attractive features (physical and otherwise).

[JamesM]

Question.....

 

What is the height and weight of your wife? Not to critique you for your opinion, but some people like bigger women than others do.

 

Still curious. Did I miss your answer?

 

FTR, mine is in the 170s and 5 foot 6 inches. (Hope she isn't going to read this. She probably will take me to the cleaners over this post than any other on here! )

[Mr. Lucky]

But i find it impossible to ignore her obesity and the idea that it will never improve and only get worse with age.

I'd gently suggest that, on a purely quantitative basis, every aspect of her appearance - and yours and mine also - will never improve and only get worse with age. You're just ahead of the curve in your dissatisfaction with some aspect of your spouse's appearance. Just get ready for when she - or whichever skinnier model you trade her in for - feels the same way about you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OhioJohn]

Still curious. Did I miss your answer?

 

FTR, mine is in the 170s and 5 foot 6 inches. (Hope she isn't going to read this. She probably will take me to the cleaners over this post than any other on here! )

 

My wife is 5 foot 5 and about 210. (I hope she never reads this either)

[carhill]

OP, adjunct question.... apologies if already answered: Would there be as much of an issue if your wife were overweight and enjoyed sex and had a positive view on herself and the lovemaking process?

 

I ask because my exW was overweight during our M (for JamesM, 5'1 and 170-190) and sex was never an issue. She liked sex and was confident that, even if she had her doubts when looking in the mirror, I enjoyed her body and making love with her.

 

If you were faced with such a circumstance, would it make a difference or not? Why?

 

As things stand, if you're feeling unattracted to your spouse, the issue is a marital issue and hence should be worked together, the same as any issues regarding how she feels about her body, sex, and life. You're a team. Either you work together as a team or move on and become single and co-parent. It takes two to make a M work.

[JamesM]

My wife is 5 foot 5 and about 210. (I hope she never reads this either)

 

Actually, I had a typo. Mine is in her 180s. Don't know exactly how much, but she is usually honest with me.

 

So, your lady is heavier. That is established. She was in her 150s. She is obese.

 

The question now is....how can you show her that you accept her as she is while still getting her to lose weight for her health? That to me would be more of an issue.

 

And why did she gain the weight or why does she lack the motivation to lose it? Has she just given up?

[OhioJohn]

I'd gently suggest that, on a purely quantitative basis, every aspect of her appearance - and yours and mine also - will never improve and only get worse with age. You're just ahead of the curve in your dissatisfaction with some aspect of your spouse's appearance. Just get ready for when she - or whichever skinnier model you trade her in for - feels the same way about you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well as I said all along, I would expect my wife to look elsewhere for arousal if I let myself go and was down about it all the time. I wouldnt blame her because I feel its natural to be attracted to people who are reasonably healthy, have a happy attitude and exhibit confidence (and and out of the bedroom). I think its just a part of being a human being.

[OhioJohn]

OP, adjunct question.... apologies if already answered: Would there be as much of an issue if your wife were overweight and enjoyed sex and had a positive view on herself and the lovemaking process?

 

I ask because my exW was overweight during our M (for JamesM, 5'1 and 170-190) and sex was never an issue. She liked sex and was confident that, even if she had her doubts when looking in the mirror, I enjoyed her body and making love with her.

 

If you were faced with such a circumstance, would it make a difference or not? Why?

 

As things stand, if you're feeling unattracted to your spouse, the issue is a marital issue and hence should be worked together, the same as any issues regarding how she feels about her body, sex, and life. You're a team. Either you work together as a team or move on and become single and co-parent. It takes two to make a M work.

 

Hi and yes I answered this question previously. I would be more into sex with her if she was confident and felt sexy. That translates to great sex. Her physical appearance and negative attitude go hand in hand. Sex is boring and repetitive because she isnt open to trying things and she just does not feel good about being naked. It definately affects the lovemaking in a negative way.

 

I agree we are a team and I want to work on this together. I think I have been pretty straight forward with her, and with this forum, that I am all on board with exercising and eating well together. Ive made effort to do so, but she has not responded.

[xxoo]

Have you tried to support her feeling sexy and accepted as she is?

[OhioJohn]

Actually, I had a typo. Mine is in her 180s. Don't know exactly how much, but she is usually honest with me.

 

So, your lady is heavier. That is established. She was in her 150s. She is obese.

 

The question now is....how can you show her that you accept her as she is while still getting her to lose weight for her health? That to me would be more of an issue.

 

And why did she gain the weight or why does she lack the motivation to lose it? Has she just given up?

 

I am married to her and I provide for her and treat her well. I think she knows I have accepted her as a partner, spouse and mother of our child. But I have a hard time lying about craving her as a lover. I do not want to reinforce her negative behavior. But I do not in any way make her feel bad - other than my lack of effort to have sex with her.

 

I have made the case "we need to get more healthy. We need to eat better and excercise more." I am concerned about her health of course.

 

Why has she gained all this weight? That is a great question. I dont know. It just slowly kept increasing. She does not eat well and she has absolutely no form of exercise. I feel like she's given up, yes. Because she knows our sex life is in the toilet, and she must feel that her appearance is a big factor, and yet she has refused to take any steps to help herself. She says it all the time: "Im going to join weight watchers." "I need to stop looking pregnant", "You dont want me because im fat?". etc. (all her words)

[pteromom]

I know she knows im not attracted to her. She asks it all the time. I do tell her I love her and that I want us both to be happy, healthy and enjoy a good sex life. But honestly, you're asking me to lie to her about my feeling desire for her.

 

No. I'm not saying you should LIE. I am saying you should change your actions.

 

You say:

 

I have anxiety about it at times. Nights that I feel like I "should" initiate sex to keep the peace, I wonder if I can even get an erection. I simply mean I could be laying with her and feel nothing but resentment and indifference to her physically.

 

... and...

 

Im sure she knows. I havent been nearly as affectionate, nor have I initiated sex more than a few times over the past year because im not aroused by her.

 

So... OF COURSE...

 

Yes, her negative and combative attitude are a huge part of this problem. I feel like if she was making effort to look good, it would show me that she cares enough to try and arouse me. She makes no effort to look sexy or act in a way that would turn me on.

 

It's hard to feel sexy and sexual and take the risk to initiate and arouse, when you know your partner isn't attracted to you and has little to no interest in you.

 

Do you really not get that you guys have a circular problem which is self-perpetuating, and that your actions play a part in that pattern?

 

She gains weight.

You aren't turned on by her.

She feels badly about herself, so is no longer in touch with her sexuality.

You are less turned on by her.

She feels worse about herself and indulges in foods that give her a temporary bandaid.

She gains more weight.

You are even less turned on by her.

 

You ONLY control your part in this.

 

I feel like telling her how sexy she is and how much I desire her will only reinforce and validate her belief that its ok to look the way she does. I dont want her to think im happy with her obesity - because im not.

 

Well... then make sure you keep expressing your displeasure, and she'll keep feeling badly about herself, and nothing will change.

 

Look - you have to try something different. If you tell her (or SHOW her, which is what I suggest) she's sexy and that you desire her, and she starts gaining more weight, then stop doing it. But you lose nothing by TRYING, because what you are doing now isn't working for either of you.

[OhioJohn]

Have you tried to support her feeling sexy and accepted as she is?

 

Yes. My whole issue here is that i am not phsically attracted to my wife anymore. I cannot ignore the way she looks. As much as I wish I could look past it, I simply am not at all turned on by obese women. Im sure they are lovely in other ways, but sexually, when it comes down to it, I want to be with a woman who at least reasonably maintains herself. (Again, my standards are not unreasonably high). I dont want or expect a perfect woman by any means.

[xxoo]

Yes. My whole issue here is that i am not phsically attracted to my wife anymore. I cannot ignore the way she looks. As much as I wish I could look past it, I simply am not at all turned on by obese women. Im sure they are lovely in other ways, but sexually, when it comes down to it, I want to be with a woman who at least reasonably maintains herself. (Again, my standards are not unreasonably high). I dont want or expect a perfect woman by any means.

 

You answered "yes", but all the explanation says "no".

[OhioJohn]

No. I'm not saying you should LIE. I am saying you should change your actions.

 

You say:

 

 

 

... and...

 

 

 

So... OF COURSE...

 

 

 

It's hard to feel sexy and sexual and take the risk to initiate and arouse, when you know your partner isn't attracted to you and has little to no interest in you.

 

Do you really not get that you guys have a circular problem which is self-perpetuating, and that your actions play a part in that pattern?

 

She gains weight.

You aren't turned on by her.

She feels badly about herself, so is no longer in touch with her sexuality.

You are less turned on by her.

She feels worse about herself and indulges in foods that give her a temporary bandaid.

She gains more weight.

You are even less turned on by her.

 

You ONLY control your part in this.

 

 

 

Well... then make sure you keep expressing your displeasure, and she'll keep feeling badly about herself, and nothing will change.

 

Look - you have to try something different. If you tell her (or SHOW her, which is what I suggest) she's sexy and that you desire her, and she starts gaining more weight, then stop doing it. But you lose nothing by TRYING, because what you are doing now isn't working for either of you.

 

I agree. What we are doing now is not working. I dont want to destroy what's left of her sexual confidence. We we do have sex I am enthusiastic and tell her how much she turns me on. But day to day I cannot look at her and feel attracted and have desire to have sex.

 

I guess I am wired differently that many of the people in here who say "Dont worry about how she looks, focus on other things to get you aroused." I just dont see that as a possibility. As a man, I enjoy the visual aspect of sex. I want to see and savor my partner. I want to look at her and desire her and pleasure her. I feel like im being asked to either close my eyes, or to trick my brain into being aroused by concentrating on other things. It's fine for an occasional sexual encounter, but honestly im looking to reinstate a long term, healthy and passionate sex life with my wife, and unless she changes her behavior, no matter or mental refocusing or smoke and mirrors is going fulfill my needs.

 

I think what I need to do is find a way to be direct without hurting her and pushing her to eating more because she feels more depressed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. My whole issue here is that i am not phsically attracted to my wife anymore. I cannot ignore the way she looks.

 

Then if she won't change and you can't change, what could possibly be said here that would affect your marriage ?

 

I can't help but think you're looking to validate a decision that, on some level, you've already made...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

As a man, I enjoy the visual aspect of sex. I want to see and savor my partner. I want to look at her and desire her and pleasure her.

 

OK... but can't you utilize the visual aspect of sex without focusing on her weight? Can you look at her breasts? Her vagina? Her eyes? Her lips? Your penis sliding in and out of her? I mean, my goodness, use your imagination and find some ways to get turned on by sex with her.

 

I feel like you are telling yourself that you are turned off so much, that you are now unable to consider other options. You've analyzed yourself into a corner.