Not attracted to my wife

[OhioJohn]

Its seems so basic, simple and easy...doesnt it?

 

TFY

 

So does golf. lol

[ComingInHot]

OhioJohn wrote, "Can Marraige counselling get your spouse to lose weight? I just feel like if we go we will be slinging issues at each other. She knows her weight is an issue. So I am concerned that going to a counsellor would be an expensive way to reiterate what we already know"

 

Dude, do you know WHY she put on a half a person? You never answered some of my questions from my very first response to you.

Was there a tragedy she suffered?

Is there something You are Not giving her that she needs?

 

She HAS had a baby and I tell you what kiddo, having babies after 35 is a B*tch! There not a whole lot of "springing back" left if you know what I mean. Now add a few More years and for women beginning around 37 and older, In order to MAINTAIN our weight we have to work twice as hard for twice as long. I can sit at my desk and then run around the office and forget to eat breakfast and lunch then have a healthy dinner KNOWING I have burned WAAAY more calories than I took in (like I should be a size 00!) but I will GAIN weight... I HAVE to make sure I do something physical for an hour or so.

 

oh woops, rant there... sorry

i'm not bitter*

 

A counselor will be able to share with your Wife that health Detriments of being Obese as well as direct her to a nutritionist or even help her create her own "plan" WHILE getting to the root of her weight gain.

 

By the way After 38 years of age (approx.) the woman's Thyroid Gland has increased chances to get whacked out and BLUUURB, 30lbs in like overnight!

 

I always thought in order to be pretty and have people like me and make sure My H didn't cheat on me, I had to be SKINNY RAIL-THIN.

I was Miserable. And I didn't realize that "skank crack-whore skinny" didn't look all that great on me...

I am now at my healthiest size and feel more sexy and alive than I ever have and I'm a whopping size 6!!! Oh the Horror how society views me... Not*

I'm over it. but it took time, counseling and the knowledge that I am beautiful on the outside but More importantly on the inside. (still nice that I get "the looks" from men though, especially my H )

[JamesM]

That is the fine line I guess im worried about crossing. I love her and I want her to be happy.

 

Then make that your focus instead of her weight.

 

But she does not turn me on anymore.

 

I say this kindly....that is your problem. I know how weight can make her less attractive to you. I am in my forties so you are similar in age...or close enough. Your wife ages like you do. And weight is one of the things that is harder to lose and easier to gain as we age.

 

Thankfully, it can be lost as opposed to hair that once lost cannot be gained. Thankfully, my wife still loves me despite the balding head.

 

I think that if she loved sex, then you would enjoy her body as it is because you would enjoy her performance.

 

That is a big part of marraige and its hard to seperate sexual satisfaction from overall satisfaction.

 

Yes and no. When you have less sex, it becomes more important. When you have enough sex, then you realize how insignificant it is compared to some other things. I truly know your frustration.

 

To this point I have been taking matters into my own hand so to speak and I dont plan on cheating or walking out.

 

Good.

 

I dont ever want to lose my family.

 

Good. It is a good motivator when the marriage needs fixing.

 

Am I relegated to masturbating

 

No.

 

and occassionally having boring sex to keep any sembelence of a physical relationship with my wife?

 

No.

 

Question....without too much info, why is it boring?

 

 

I feel that she does not really enjoy sex much either. We do it because we should. And that stinks.

 

If she feels that every time you look at her, then you see only her fat body, then why would she want to reveal it to you?

 

If every time you have sex and she knows that she is not performing up to what you want, then why would she enjoy it?

 

Example. I said similar things. I wanted my wife to be passionate every time. I wanted her to enjoy it and orgasm every time. She didn't always want sex but she DID want to have it so that I could enjoy it because she loved me. However, me being stupid, focused on her lack of enjoyment and made her "gift of love" insignificant. So, the amount of sex lessened as did the quality. By realizing that she could enjoy sex without personally enjoying it for herself, I was able to enjoy it more and then she began to enjoy it more for herself. As she said, "I don't mind quickies. Sometimes that is all I want because I want to satisfy you." With time, she began to want more than quickies.

 

Sometimes by focusing on what we don't have, we lose what we have. And when we focus on what we do have, we get what we want.

 

And one last thing....sex tends to be a symptom and not the problem for most marriages. Ask yourself why. It may NOT be weight as you will quickly think. It may be how she thinks you view her and how she views your love for her.

[OhioJohn]

Look OhioJohn, there's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling or thinking, it's normal to have a reduced sexual attraction to your woman (even if you love her!) when she's gained a considerable amount of weight...you do not have control over this, you cannot make your brain wire itself in a way that will find fat attractive.

 

A lot of women are going to bash you, who cares! let them slam you with an anvil over your head because you're expressing how most men think and feel about this scenario, they want this sugar-coated fantasy that men don't care once they "love you" what you do with your body or health and that you should be "supportive, caring and loving"...

 

Look john, that shet don't work....a woman's fat because of her own damn issues and problems, and there's nothing you can do or say to change that so stop blaming yourself and feeling bad for someone else's problem they've likely had their entire lives...nobody I've met really enjoys the fat and typically feels less sexy and attractive for it, if they're one of those humans that's wired different then good for them...it's not bad to be comfortable with yourself, but chances are she's got deeper more emotional/psychological issues that enable her to do things that caused her to gain that weight, some people find comfort and use food as a coping mechanism and it makes them indulge in their emotional distress...but it is not the man's sole responsibility to bear the burden and be the emotional punching bag because a woman has issues...she needs counseling/therapy or whatever it is to deal with her issues that enable her overeating or what not...weight gain like that is a sign of something more engrained.

 

So realize there's only so much you can do...nobody out there can "fix" somebody else by being supportive, loving and all that crap...it doesn't work, that person with the issue has to be motivated and build the courage to face what's really happening them underneath...there is no shortcuts or fantasy cures.

 

When it comes to your sexual attraction it is what it is...it's going to be there or it's not, it's not your fault you don't find fat sexy just because it's on your wife...so tired of women dumping their crap on men like that and then they sit here and yap and complain when their men never changed and expected them to down the line but he's "still the same"....completely hypocritical, the difference is women usually load on this weight after the relationship settles in...and then blame us for not being attracted to it? what a bait and switch man.

 

But no, you're supposed to do this and that, feel this way and that and all these other guys pussy out and tuck their heads because nobody wants to be the "guy" that says how he really feels about it and how it affects men, instead just try to find some other miracle cure to making it work...don't take responsibility for it...I'm sure you did your part and tried to be as helpful and supportive as you know how to be.

 

Counseling may help bring out some of the deeper issues and help you see the relationship more transparently, especially since your communication is likely not all that great...you also have to realize that just because you say something or feel something that is going to make a woman feel bad or hurt, it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't say it...if it really affects the way you feel then express that it's something that bothers you...the only thing is you have to twist and contort it in a way that's more supportive, sensitive and like there's something you can do "together"....women don't like doing shet alone, they always want this man to help them out with it, that's why they married you after all, they expect things from you when you do that.

 

The more resentment and guilt you feel for something you can't control, the more you repress it and the more it will destroy you on the inside...do not put yourself through that just because some of these women want to want to harass and shame men for feeling the way they do, to keep you from expressing yourself and keep themselves from accepting the truth, saying how you feel and actually trying to fix the problem or find a realistic solution is the better way to go and that might mean some major changes in the marriage or in the end you move on, that's up to you...but it is not your obligation to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else feelings who I can almost guarantee you she is fully aware and unhappy with herself anyway.

 

I do agree with what you are saying. As men, we simply cannot turn off the attraction factor and accept that our wives have put on 50 or 60 pounds. That is a big transformation. But I did marry her at this weight and I have to live with that decision. Its only now, after years of marraige and her unwillingness to confront these issues after repeated talks and encouragment that im feeling deep resentment and emotional withdrawal. I know women dont like to hear this. The first responder ripped me a new one for even mentioning it. As Ive said, I think this kind or problem is the same for both sexes. Im sure a woman wouldnt be all hot and horny for her man if he gained a ton of weight and complained about it all the time. I want my wife to feel good about herself. I want her to look good. Im just tired of beating my head against this brick wall. I think the days of being subtle are coming to a close.

[thefooloftheyear]

Look OhioJohn, there's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling or thinking, it's normal to have a reduced sexual attraction to your woman (even if you love her!) when she's gained a considerable amount of weight...you do not have control over this, you cannot make your brain wire itself in a way that will find fat attractive.

 

A lot of women are going to bash you, who cares! let them slam you with an anvil over your head because you're expressing how most men think and feel about this scenario, they want this sugar-coated fantasy that men don't care once they "love you" what you do with your body or health and that you should be "supportive, caring and loving"...

 

Look john, that shet don't work....a woman's fat because of her own damn issues and problems, and there's nothing you can do or say to change that so stop blaming yourself and feeling bad for someone else's problem they've likely had their entire lives...nobody I've met really enjoys the fat and typically feels less sexy and attractive for it, if they're one of those humans that's wired different then good for them...it's not bad to be comfortable with yourself, but chances are she's got deeper more emotional/psychological issues that enable her to do things that caused her to gain that weight, some people find comfort and use food as a coping mechanism and it makes them indulge in their emotional distress...but it is not the man's sole responsibility to bear the burden and be the emotional punching bag because a woman has issues...she needs counseling/therapy or whatever it is to deal with her issues that enable her overeating or what not...weight gain like that is a sign of something more engrained.

 

So realize there's only so much you can do...nobody out there can "fix" somebody else by being supportive, loving and all that crap...it doesn't work, that person with the issue has to be motivated and build the courage to face what's really happening them underneath...there is no shortcuts or fantasy cures.

 

When it comes to your sexual attraction it is what it is...it's going to be there or it's not, it's not your fault you don't find fat sexy just because it's on your wife...so tired of women dumping their crap on men like that and then they sit here and yap and complain when their men never changed and expected them to down the line but he's "still the same"....completely hypocritical, the difference is women usually load on this weight after the relationship settles in...and then blame us for not being attracted to it? what a bait and switch man.

 

But no, you're supposed to do this and that, feel this way and that and all these other guys pussy out and tuck their heads because nobody wants to be the "guy" that says how he really feels about it and how it affects men, instead just try to find some other miracle cure to making it work...don't take responsibility for it...I'm sure you did your part and tried to be as helpful and supportive as you know how to be.

 

Counseling may help bring out some of the deeper issues and help you see the relationship more transparently, especially since your communication is likely not all that great...you also have to realize that just because you say something or feel something that is going to make a woman feel bad or hurt, it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't say it...if it really affects the way you feel then express that it's something that bothers you...the only thing is you have to twist and contort it in a way that's more supportive, sensitive and like there's something you can do "together"....women don't like doing shet alone, they always want this man to help them out with it, that's why they married you after all, they expect things from you when you do that.

 

The more resentment and guilt you feel for something you can't control, the more you repress it and the more it will destroy you on the inside...do not put yourself through that just because some of these women want to want to harass and shame men for feeling the way they do, to keep you from expressing yourself and keep themselves from accepting the truth, saying how you feel and actually trying to fix the problem or find a realistic solution is the better way to go and that might mean some major changes in the marriage or in the end you move on, that's up to you...but it is not your obligation to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else feelings who I can almost guarantee you she is fully aware and unhappy with herself anyway.

 

 

Well said...especially refreshing coming from a female perspective..

 

TFY

[JamesM]

Well said...especially refreshing coming from a female perspective..

 

TFY

 

It was written by a male.

[thefooloftheyear]

It was written by a male.

 

 

Oops.......Apologies in advance.!

 

TFY

[OhioJohn]

OhioJohn wrote, "Can Marraige counselling get your spouse to lose weight? I just feel like if we go we will be slinging issues at each other. She knows her weight is an issue. So I am concerned that going to a counsellor would be an expensive way to reiterate what we already know"

 

Dude, do you know WHY she put on a half a person? You never answered some of my questions from my very first response to you.

Was there a tragedy she suffered?

Is there something You are Not giving her that she needs?

 

She HAS had a baby and I tell you what kiddo, having babies after 35 is a B*tch! There not a whole lot of "springing back" left if you know what I mean. Now add a few More years and for women beginning around 37 and older, In order to MAINTAIN our weight we have to work twice as hard for twice as long. I can sit at my desk and then run around the office and forget to eat breakfast and lunch then have a healthy dinner KNOWING I have burned WAAAY more calories than I took in (like I should be a size 00!) but I will GAIN weight... I HAVE to make sure I do something physical for an hour or so.

 

oh woops, rant there... sorry

i'm not bitter*

 

A counselor will be able to share with your Wife that health Detriments of being Obese as well as direct her to a nutritionist or even help her create her own "plan" WHILE getting to the root of her weight gain.

 

By the way After 38 years of age (approx.) the woman's Thyroid Gland has increased chances to get whacked out and BLUUURB, 30lbs in like overnight!

 

I always thought in order to be pretty and have people like me and make sure My H didn't cheat on me, I had to be SKINNY RAIL-THIN.

I was Miserable. And I didn't realize that "skank crack-whore skinny" didn't look all that great on me...

I am now at my healthiest size and feel more sexy and alive than I ever have and I'm a whopping size 6!!! Oh the Horror how society views me... Not*

I'm over it. but it took time, counseling and the knowledge that I am beautiful on the outside but More importantly on the inside. (still nice that I get "the looks" from men though, especially my H )

 

Sorry I missed answering your questions. There was no trajedy she suffered. This wieght gain has been a gradual and steady one for the past 6 years or so. I hear what you are saying about having a child and being unable to take it back off afterwards. But he has been this overweight for years before we got pregnant.

 

And to your questions about me not giving her what she needs. Yes, im definately not giving her what she needs. Sexually I make no effort anymore for the reasons Ive brought up. I do it occassionally just to keep the peace and because I should. But I know it bothers her that I dont make passes at her more frequently. And if i did, I would be faking it and only doing it to appease her ego. The fallout of the sexless marraige of course is the emotional distance that occurs. So i know shes not getting all the affection and love she needs. Neither of us are. But for me it stems back to her weight issue and my complete lack of arousal around her. Her attitude and negativity - which I havent really brought up in this thread - are equally turning me off. These traits are a part of the same problem I think. Shes not a happy person, and im not happy being around her.

 

Im happy you are doing well in your life. Super skinny is not a good look on a woman IMO. Finding that balance and being happy is so important.

[Copelandsanity]

I personally don't see her changing unless you stop giving hints and directly express to her exactly what you're writing to us. You can even show her the thread itself. The absolute last resort would be to leave the marriage, but it's also something that you have to be willing to do if this issue is a deal-breaker for you.

 

People's core personality traits do not change, and in a way, it was unrealistic and slightly unfair of you to expect hers to. Especially when it comes to weight loss, people need a strong epiphany to start the steps and put in the hard work. At this moment, it's not a must-have for her. It's something that's nice-to-have; since she already has the marriage and the child, there is no impetus for her to change. She is comfortable, and even if she is depressed, she may be comfortable living mildly depressed and expecting you to love her exactly as she is now because of the commitment you've made.

[GorillaTheater]

I personally don't see her changing unless you stop giving hints and directly express to her exactly what you're writing to us.

 

The problem is that there is NO really good way of dealing with this, particularly if there are issues underlying the weight gain beyond a mere weakness for Twinkies and potato chips. If Ohio gets a little too direct, he may end up with a wife who gains even more wieght as a passive-aggressive "f*ck you, pal", or she indeed starts losing weight. For the next man, that is.

 

I'm sensing that there are in fact some underlying issues, which leaves Ohio's best choice as individual (for her) and couples' counseling, positive encouragement, and healthy role-modeling.

[OhioJohn]

Then make that your focus instead of her weight.

 

 

 

I say this kindly....that is your problem. I know how weight can make her less attractive to you. I am in my forties so you are similar in age...or close enough. Your wife ages like you do. And weight is one of the things that is harder to lose and easier to gain as we age.

 

Thankfully, it can be lost as opposed to hair that once lost cannot be gained. Thankfully, my wife still loves me despite the balding head.

 

I think that if she loved sex, then you would enjoy her body as it is because you would enjoy her performance.

 

 

 

Yes and no. When you have less sex, it becomes more important. When you have enough sex, then you realize how insignificant it is compared to some other things. I truly know your frustration.

 

 

 

Good.

 

 

 

Good. It is a good motivator when the marriage needs fixing.

 

 

 

No.

 

 

 

No.

 

Question....without too much info, why is it boring?

 

 

 

 

If she feels that every time you look at her, then you see only her fat body, then why would she want to reveal it to you?

 

If every time you have sex and she knows that she is not performing up to what you want, then why would she enjoy it?

 

Example. I said similar things. I wanted my wife to be passionate every time. I wanted her to enjoy it and orgasm every time. She didn't always want sex but she DID want to have it so that I could enjoy it because she loved me. However, me being stupid, focused on her lack of enjoyment and made her "gift of love" insignificant. So, the amount of sex lessened as did the quality. By realizing that she could enjoy sex without personally enjoying it for herself, I was able to enjoy it more and then she began to enjoy it more for herself. As she said, "I don't mind quickies. Sometimes that is all I want because I want to satisfy you." With time, she began to want more than quickies.

 

Sometimes by focusing on what we don't have, we lose what we have. And when we focus on what we do have, we get what we want.

 

And one last thing....sex tends to be a symptom and not the problem for most marriages. Ask yourself why. It may NOT be weight as you will quickly think. It may be how she thinks you view her and how she views your love for her.

 

 

I hear what you are saying. Respectfully though, I cannot change the way she perceives how I look at her. You're right - if she felt attractive and sexy and was open to things and sex was fun and varied, I would want it from her more. I have been supportive and not ever once made a comment about her weight. I havent done anything to make her feel insecure (except my lack of interest). These are her issues. She makes the comments. She is the one who tells me how unsexy she feels. And I guess she is expecting me to pretend and tell her its alright, that I still find her sexy? Im sorry, but I cannot. So I say nothing. I tell her i want her to be happy and healthy. I tell her I love her. I dont know what else I can do to jumpstart her getting into a healthy lifestyle and transforming herself into a desireable woman (physically and emotionally). This is why im here. I love her and I made a commitment to her, so I will honor that.

Edited October 9, 2013 by OhioJohn

[Copelandsanity]

The problem is that there is NO really good way of dealing with this, particularly if there are issues underlying the weight gain beyond a mere weakness for Twinkies and potato chips. If Ohio gets a little too direct, he may end up with a wife who gains even more wieght as a passive-aggressive "f*ck you, pal", or she indeed starts losing weight. For the next man, that is.

 

I'm sensing that there are in fact some underlying issues, which leaves Ohio's best choice as individual (for her) and couples' counseling, positive encouragement, and healthy role-modeling.

 

I don't see anything wrong with what he's expressed here. OP clearly loves her, is intent on honoring his commitment, and is working hard to find resolutions to an issue in the marriage. But his wife doesn't have a clue just how important this problem is to the health of their marriage. She may be expecting him to accept her just the way she is now. Keep in mind that this is the path she was on already because of her eating habits, inactivity, having a child, age.

 

Couples' counseling is a definitely a good idea. With a third party present, it may be a better environment for airing out the issues.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Copelandsanity

[Mr. Lucky]

My point is....no matter how I plead or beg or give reasons why it will make her feel better, I cannot change her. She needs to do that on her own. What I can do is still love her and show her how I care for her in spite of her weakness and flaw when it comes to weight.

 

We all have weaknesses and mine is not weight gain...right now. I gained 40# over time and then realized how it affected my health. I lost it and have kept it off. My wife did not get after me to do it except that she sent me to the doctor for a checkup...which got me started. She may have mentioned that she was afraid I would die of a heart attack and not be able to see my kids grow up. She never made me feel less loved because I looked a little pregnant. She never made me feel less handsome because I was not as slim as when we met (which I am now).

 

Love your wife as she is. Learn to appreciate what you loved and focus on that. Tell her what you love.

 

The more you focus on her weight even if in your own mind, the more you will think of her for only her weight and resent her.

 

Don't love her for what she isn't. Love her for what she is. We all want someone to love us unconditionally. I am sure she does too.

John, while only you can decide if you'll follow this, it's the best advice you'll get.

 

In my 25 year marriage, I've walked many a mile in your shoes. On top of the many diets, we've paid $20K for bariatric surgery. And yet my wife, through diet and a lack of exercise, has never lost the 60-70 lbs she gained.

 

I reached the same crisis point you have, compounded by the sexual death spiral James so well describes. My lack of attraction to her led to less effort on her part and less satisfaction for both of us. It was easy for me to blame her and I was pretty sure I was "right".

 

My epiphany came when I heard someone else describe my wife. Not how she looked but the kind of person she was, such a great friend, mother and spouse. And I finally realized that whatever moral high ground I felt my weight and fitness gave me in our relationship paled in the face of her other qualities. And so I decided to love her for what she is rather than "not love" her for what she isn't. Again, credit to James for expressing that so well.

 

Our sex life recovered and flourished. She felt better about herself and us and that led to (much!) more sex of all kinds. Do I still wish she weighed less? Sure. Am I happy I stayed? Very. As opposed to what you're proposing, the change was in me, not her. I hope you'll look at your marriage in whole rather than just her weight in isolation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OhioJohn]

John, while only you can decide if you'll follow this, it's the best advice you'll get.

 

In my 25 year marriage, I've walked many a mile in your shoes. On top of the many diets, we've paid $20K for bariatric surgery. And yet my wife, through diet and a lack of exercise, has never lost the 60-70 lbs she gained.

 

I reached the same crisis point you have, compounded by the sexual death spiral James so well describes. My lack of attraction to her led to less effort on her part and less satisfaction for both of us. It was easy for me to blame her and I was pretty sure I was "right".

 

My epiphany came when I heard someone else describe my wife. Not how she looked but the kind of person she was, such a great friend, mother and spouse. And I finally realized that whatever moral high ground I felt my weight and fitness gave me in our relationship paled in the face of her other qualities. And so I decided to love her for what she is rather than "not love" her for what she isn't. Again, credit to James for expressing that so well.

 

Our sex life recovered and flourished. She felt better about herself and us and that led to (much!) more sex of all kinds. Do I still wish she weighed less? Sure. Am I happy I stayed? Very. As opposed to what you're proposing, the change was in me, not her. I hope you'll look at your marriage in whole rather than just her weight in isolation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am truly happy you were able to find harmony and reinvigorate your sex life. I do love my wife, as Ive said before. I have tried to look past the weight issue, but I simply cannot. To me, physical attraction is a major importance for any sexual relationship. I cannot get turned on by her kindness to other people, or be aroused by her great parenting skills. Her weight, and the residual negativativy are what keeps my lust at bay. I wish I could do what has been suggested and feel fulfilled with the good qualities my wife posesses. But I crave hot fun and frequent sex and I am not at all interested in that with my wife. Its a painful, shameful reality.

[pteromom]

But this is my life and I want hot passionate fun varied sex.

 

This could be a place to start, instead of focusing on her weight. Have you told her this? Have you asked her what SHE wants your sex life to be?

 

I think if she feels more sexual, she may start to prioritize the way she looks more.

 

But I think telling her you aren't attracted to her is going to give you the opposite result you want. I think she just may withdraw from sex completely.

 

If you can get the sexual tension and passion back in your marriage, just maybe you can get her to exercise with you, eat better with you, etc.

 

Gaining weight is horrible for self-esteem and building her up is a better idea than tearing her down. At least, that's my opinion.

[GorillaTheater]

I am truly happy you were able to find harmony and reinvigorate your sex life. I do love my wife, as Ive said before. I have tried to look past the weight issue, but I simply cannot. To me, physical attraction is a major importance for any sexual relationship. I cannot get turned on by her kindness to other people, or be aroused by her great parenting skills. Her weight, and the residual negativativy are what keeps my lust at bay. I wish I could do what has been suggested and feel fulfilled with the good qualities my wife posesses. But I crave hot fun and frequent sex and I am not at all interested in that with my wife. Its a painful, shameful reality.

 

Then at this point it's more your problem than hers, and therefore up to you to resolve. What are you going to do?

 

Like James said, the vows I took are very important to me. If you're looking for "permission", so to speak, to divorce your wife, I can't give it based on what I'm reading here. But it's not like you need it, either. You're going to have to make some choices, and be prepared to live with them.

[Mr. Lucky]

To me, physical attraction is a major importance for any sexual relationship.

You mean your definition of physical attraction, based on weight.

 

John, do you have all your hair, no thinness on top? Same pearly white smile you had as a teenager, no yellowing? No issues with wrinkles, complexion, posture, ED, etc?

 

How would you feel if now or in the future your wife told you any one of the above was a dealbreaker ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

To me, physical attraction is a major importance for any sexual relationship.

 

OK - but YOU define what that physical attraction means to you. Are you able to get turned on by certain body parts, or softness of her skin? Do a couple of rolls of flesh really get in the way of being able to get turned on? Is there any way to reprogram or adjust your thinking - to focus on other aspects of the sexual experience other than simply the shape of her frame?

[OhioJohn]

Then at this point it's more your problem than hers, and therefore up to you to resolve. What are you going to do?

 

Like James said, the vows I took are very important to me. If you're looking for "permission", so to speak, to divorce your wife, I can't give it based on what I'm reading here. But it's not like you need it, either. You're going to have to make some choices, and be prepared to live with them.

 

I have not suggested or do I want divorce. I want a good sex life.

 

I get that wedding vows are important. I wish to uphold mine as well. But to suggest that I should somehow ignore the way my partner looks and be just as fulfilled and turned on is rediculous. If I put on 60 pounds and complained about it all the time while doing nothing about it, I think my partner has grounds to stand on to be displeased and not sexually interested in me. The binding contract of marraige, as defined by a church states you love and accept your partner in all respects. I just cannot seperate a lack of attraction and a healthy relationship overall. I will love my wife and provide for her, but this lingering issue has put a wedge between us that we both know is there. If you're suggesting I just accept it and move on, well, that's what I am currently doing, and im not happy.

[OhioJohn]

You mean your definition of physical attraction, based on weight.

 

John, do you have all your hair, no thinness on top? Same pearly white smile you had as a teenager, no yellowing? No issues with wrinkles, complexion, posture, ED, etc?

 

How would you feel if now or in the future your wife told you any one of the above was a dealbreaker ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am not talking here about the natural effects of aging. I am also not asking for physical perfection or anything close to that. My wife looks almost nothing like she did when I met her 7 years ago. We are still (relatively) young people. It is the fact that she herself complains about being "fat" and continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle that bothers me most. The things youre talking about - thinking hair, wrinkles, etc are natural and cannot be avoided. I do find older women VERY attractive. What I dont find appealing are people that let themselves go because they are comfortable. I feel like we all have a responsibility to look and feel the best we can for our partners. Im not saying im perfect - far from it - but I make effort. I exercise and eat reasonably well.

[pteromom]

But to suggest that I should somehow ignore the way my partner looks and be just as fulfilled and turned on is rediculous.

 

Nothing is more of a turn off than poor spelling.

 

 

Just teasing you.

 

If I put on 60 pounds and complained about it all the time while doing nothing about it, I think my partner has grounds to stand on to be displeased and not sexually interested in me. The binding contract of marraige, as defined by a church states you love and accept your partner in all respects. I just cannot seperate a lack of attraction and a healthy relationship overall. I will love my wife and provide for her, but this lingering issue has put a wedge between us that we both know is there. If you're suggesting I just accept it and move on, well, that's what I am currently doing, and im not happy.

 

I don't think you realize what weight gain does to a woman. It is so hard to motivate yourself when you feel horrible about yourself. I realize the irony in that, and I realize that weight is a solvable problem. But when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, it's depressing, and the natural reaction is to drown sorrows in Ben and Jerry's, not to go work out.

 

Your lack of attraction isn't helping. She already knows you have less sex with her, and you turn the lights out, and you no longer want to see her body. Trust me - she knows!

 

I am NOT saying to accept it and move on, but instead to approach the issue from a whole different angle. When you bring home a juicer and try to convince her to use it, she knows exactly what you are really saying, and it just makes her sadder.

 

Instead, how about being loving. Make her feel desired and loved and appreciated, even if you aren't really feeling it. Be accepting and kind and try to meet her needs. If you can get her self-esteem and sensuality back up, the desire for weight loss just may follow.

[OhioJohn]

OK - but YOU define what that physical attraction means to you. Are you able to get turned on by certain body parts, or softness of her skin? Do a couple of rolls of flesh really get in the way of being able to get turned on? Is there any way to reprogram or adjust your thinking - to focus on other aspects of the sexual experience other than simply the shape of her frame?

 

There is a point to which you are reasonably chubby, to being obese and unhealthy. Each person has their defining line of what is attractive and what is not. I dont think anyone looks at a 300 lb woman and craves her (well, maybe a fetish person would). So where is that line? I think my tastes are very liberal. I like women of most shapes and sizes. I like some extra curves and soft skin. Thats femine. But my wife has gone beyond what I find physically attractive. You're right though, if she was confident and felt sexy, and acted that way in the bedroom I would be much more inclined to want her in that way.

[JamesM]

John, while only you can decide if you'll follow this, it's the best advice you'll get.

 

In my 25 year marriage, I've walked many a mile in your shoes. On top of the many diets, we've paid $20K for bariatric surgery. And yet my wife, through diet and a lack of exercise, has never lost the 60-70 lbs she gained.

 

I reached the same crisis point you have, compounded by the sexual death spiral James so well describes. My lack of attraction to her led to less effort on her part and less satisfaction for both of us. It was easy for me to blame her and I was pretty sure I was "right".

 

My epiphany came when I heard someone else describe my wife. Not how she looked but the kind of person she was, such a great friend, mother and spouse. And I finally realized that whatever moral high ground I felt my weight and fitness gave me in our relationship paled in the face of her other qualities. And so I decided to love her for what she is rather than "not love" her for what she isn't. Again, credit to James for expressing that so well.

 

Our sex life recovered and flourished. She felt better about herself and us and that led to (much!) more sex of all kinds. Do I still wish she weighed less? Sure. Am I happy I stayed? Very. As opposed to what you're proposing, the change was in me, not her. I hope you'll look at your marriage in whole rather than just her weight in isolation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky, this was one of the best posts I have read here and not because you mentioned me (but thank you).

 

The bolded part is one of my moments too. My wife is a nurse and well respected. Watching her with patients and hearing them speak of her (as I know some of them and some come just to meet her husband...so she must speak well of me) made me realize what a wonderful woman I was married to. That made me look past some things and appreciate others during those difficult times.

 

There is no doubt that physical looks are important, but as you know, they do become less important when you look at the personality attached to it. I have been standing next to some gorgeous women who looked at me with a certain look that melted me but when I stood back and examined them (after the fog lifted), my wife still was more beautiful overall.

[GorillaTheater]

I have not suggested or do I want divorce. I want a good sex life.

 

I get that wedding vows are important. I wish to uphold mine as well. But to suggest that I should somehow ignore the way my partner looks and be just as fulfilled and turned on is rediculous. If I put on 60 pounds and complained about it all the time while doing nothing about it, I think my partner has grounds to stand on to be displeased and not sexually interested in me. The binding contract of marraige, as defined by a church states you love and accept your partner in all respects. I just cannot seperate a lack of attraction and a healthy relationship overall. I will love my wife and provide for her, but this lingering issue has put a wedge between us that we both know is there. If you're suggesting I just accept it and move on, well, that's what I am currently doing, and im not happy.

 

No, I get that's it a serious issue that can't be swept under a rug, but the only person you can fix is yourself. I'd really suggest marital counseling to put the issues on the table, and I'm assuming there are more than just your wife's weight because there almost always are, and you may be surprised to find that your wife has a bone or two to pick with you as well. MC, once you find the right counselor becasue lord knows they aren't all created equally, will give you a neutral viewpoint and give both your wife and you the tools to work through those issues in a healthy way.

 

Of course, your wife will have to be on board, too. If she isn't, you'd at least have more information on which to base a decision.

[JamesM]

Question.....

 

What is the height and weight of your wife? Not to critique you for your opinion, but some people like bigger women than others do.