Not attracted to my wife

[OhioJohn]

You answered "yes", but all the explanation says "no".

 

"Yes" I have accepted her as a partner. I am supportive and a care for her well being.

 

"No" in that I dont want to lie about finding her sexy, because I do not. I was always told that if I have nothing good to say, then not to say anything at all. So that's my approach to this situation. I cannot fake (long term) my displeasure with her appearance and attitude. I cant see the benefit of doing that anyway.

[Copelandsanity]

I think what I need to do is find a way to be direct without hurting her and pushing her to eating more because she feels more depressed.

 

This is the best course of action. There is just no other way to improve this situation without being 100% direct and honest with your thoughts and feelings on it. That doesn't mean that you lecture her, berate her or give her ultimatums. Obviously, you express your love, a willingness to work on this together, and you calmly and rationally express your thoughts. But she has to know. There is no impetus for any positive changes in any relationship without honesty and openness. Some have mentioned couple's counseling and that is another option to clear the air with a third party in the room.

[OhioJohn]

OK... but can't you utilize the visual aspect of sex without focusing on her weight? Can you look at her breasts? Her vagina? Her eyes? Her lips? Your penis sliding in and out of her? I mean, my goodness, use your imagination and find some ways to get turned on by sex with her.

 

I feel like you are telling yourself that you are turned off so much, that you are now unable to consider other options. You've analyzed yourself into a corner.

 

I do those things, and those are the reasons that I enjoy sex when it occurs. But i am bored with the repetitive way it is always done. Lights out, missionary, under the covers. She is not comfortable being naked and does not like different positions, roleplay or trying other things because she doesnt feel sexy. Part of this problem is that I feel she asks about sex because she feels we "should". I dont get the sense she is really turned on and into it. And I think it all comes back to her wieght and how she feels about herself.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is just no other way to improve this situation without being 100% direct and honest with your thoughts and feelings on it.

With all due respect, that would be the fastest way to end it. And by "it" I don't mean his marriage, I mean any hopes of improving his marriage.

 

Don't you think she already knows how he feels ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[knitwit]

Hi and yes I answered this question previously. I would be more into sex with her if she was confident and felt sexy. That translates to great sex. Her physical appearance and negative attitude go hand in hand. Sex is boring and repetitive because she isnt open to trying things and she just does not feel good about being naked. It definately affects the lovemaking in a negative way.

 

I agree we are a team and I want to work on this together. I think I have been pretty straight forward with her, and with this forum, that I am all on board with exercising and eating well together. Ive made effort to do so, but she has not responded.

 

OP, I strongly recommend that you check out the Emotional Needs questionnaire on the Marriage Builders website and/or go read His Needs, Her Needs, or The 5 Love Languages.

 

I personally prefer the MB version, because it is much more specific. For one, you'll see that Physical Attractiveness is commonly a high need for men. The fact that you are not attracted to your obese wife does not mean you are shallow or that something is wrong with you.

 

On the flip side, HNHN also goes into the needs for women. In Woman-Speak, your wife is clearly telling you that she does not feel loved.

 

A woman who does not feel loved is not going to enthusiastic or open or excited about getting it on with her guy. She can't be that woman with you. How can she feel confident and sexy with you? She probably doesn't even think you like her all that much.

 

If you have any hope of getting your need for attractiveness met, you are going to have to fill her emotional needs so that she does feel loved. The things that she needs have in order to feel loved are likely polar opposite to the things that make you feel loved. I doubt that you will have to lie to her in order to make her feel loved, chances are high that you just need to find out what is most important to her (Admiration- including and especially for things besides her weight? Domestic support? Affection?)

 

Of course, there is no guarantee that she will lose the weight, even if she does feel loved by you. However, it is a lot more likely that she will get healthier and in shape if she begins to feel better and more secure about her love for you. Almost certainly she will open up and have more fun around you. You might get that fun, confident wife you want.

 

Well as I said all along, I would expect my wife to look elsewhere for arousal if I let myself go and was down about it all the time. I wouldn't blame her because I feel its natural to be attracted to people who are reasonably healthy, have a happy attitude and exhibit confidence (and and out of the bedroom). I think its just a part of being a human being.[/Quote]

 

Physical attractiveness is a big thing for guys. Not that women don't appreciate a fine looking guy, but I don't think good looks has anywhere near the same affect on women as it does on me. You would expect your wife to look elsewhere if you were overweight and less confident because it is one of your emotional needs.

 

Let me switch this around as a Woman. For most women, more than anything, we want to feel loved and cherished by our partner. Would you expect your wife to go looking elsewhere for someone who admires her, someone who isn't afraid he is going to go soft on her just laying next to her? Isn't wanting to be loved, wanting to be wanted, a part of being a human being?

 

From your post it seems like you just naturally assume that she should get how you feel about her weight and why; the same situation can be flipped. I don't think you believe you should be able to just waltz off with a more attractive partner, just like hopefully she isn't sneakily looking for a more loving man. However, just as you think it is obvious that anyone would be tempted when he doesn't have a sexy/confident chica at home, as a woman, it looks obvious to me that any woman would be tempted by a smooth-talker or enjoy going out and flirting with any guys who flirted back.

 

My point in writing all this is to say that this isn't just a case of your wife needing to lose weight. I see posters suggesting that there is more to the story, and this is my attempt to say the same thing but with the perspective of a woman. For you to feel better about your marriage, you need her to improve; at the same time, I can guarantee you based on your reports of what she is saying, she needs some improvement from you to feel good about the marriage as well.

 

I think it is awesome that you are online, checking things out and looking for solutions. Your situation is common. It is also solvable. Before you can solve it, though, you have to be somewhat open to multiple solutions (e.g. the thoughts of "she will never lose the weight and I will always be unhappy, I will always and forever more lose out" need to be banished.)

 

IMO it is worth it to solve it. If you hang out here or other marriage boards long enough, you are going to see your problems and possible futures played out in numerous ways. Many, many times the spiral of un-met needs continues, resentment builds, boundaries get lowered. Affairs start. (Look up the poster "International Rock Star" for just one example. He thought his wife was unattractive but had a total turn around when he found out that she was in touch with another man, who thought she was all that. It happens.) Families split.

 

It might not be YOUR intention right now to split with your wife, but it could soon be hers if she feels that you are disgusted by her. This is a GREAT TIME to continue to look into solutions and work to break the resentment/bad feelings cycle.

 

You say you love her and you have a child, so I do hope you take seriously the suggestions to find a good counselor (although honestly, I think His Needs Her Needs is as great start and might even negate a counselor if both spouses are dedicated.) Good luck!

[Criticality]

Sorry, but "trying to support her feeling sexy and accepted as she is" is nonsense.

 

She clearly has a food problem. If she was coping with her problems through drinking or smoking crack, would you encourage OhioJohn to give her positive encouragement, and explaining that only by not being bothered by her binge drinking, would she quit the bottle?

 

No, right? So why would you expect that it would help her binge eating and packing on the pounds?

 

And most likely she's too smart for it to work.

 

He didn't marry a fatty. Im pretty sure he has never expressed sexual interest in fatties, nor spoken of fat girls being a turn on. And surely she has noticed that his sexual interest has decreased, as the pounds have packed on.

 

Keep in mind, its not like his wife all of a sudden got hit by a car and became paralysed as a result, or woke up one morning having gained 60-70 pounds.

Its not on purpose, and she clearly has an eating problem, but none of it is unforeseen or unpreventable.

 

Im sure of you might find his problem demeaning to your own weight and worries, but OhioJohn is not to blame here. (not that it's about blame) And demanding or suggesting that he all of a sudden has to rewire his brain, and get turned on by a fat woman, is neither realistic nor fair.

 

Imagine if your husband after 7 years of marriage announced that he from now will only be interested in submissive SM role play, and you must not only tolerate it, but also enjoy it. Was this what you signed up for when you married? Well, OhioJohn didn't sign up to be married to a fat woman, and while he loves her and deals with it the best he can, it's seriously affecting his desire for her.

 

I understand how him finding her unattractive, only makes the problem worse, and make her find comfort in food. But it's neither realistic nor fair to him to insist that must find a fat woman sexually attractive, when he clearly doesn't.

 

I think the only way to deal with this, is to start inertia he counseling, and get her in individual therapy too. And in that setting explain to her, what it's doing to their marriage. If he didn't love her, it obviously wouldn't be an issue. A therapist could help her understand what she probably already subconsciously realizes.

[Copelandsanity]

With all due respect, that would be the fastest way to end it. And by "it" I don't mean his marriage, I mean any hopes of improving his marriage.

 

Don't you think she already knows how he feels ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't believe in giving hints, hoping someone reads my mind, pussyfooting around issues, things of that nature. I believe that when it comes to relationship problems that 100% honesty is the best way, and then working together to create a solution.

[OhioJohn]

OP, I strongly recommend that you check out the Emotional Needs questionnaire on the Marriage Builders website and/or go read His Needs, Her Needs, or The 5 Love Languages.

 

I personally prefer the MB version, because it is much more specific. For one, you'll see that Physical Attractiveness is commonly a high need for men. The fact that you are not attracted to your obese wife does not mean you are shallow or that something is wrong with you.

 

On the flip side, HNHN also goes into the needs for women. In Woman-Speak, your wife is clearly telling you that she does not feel loved.

 

A woman who does not feel loved is not going to enthusiastic or open or excited about getting it on with her guy. She can't be that woman with you. How can she feel confident and sexy with you? She probably doesn't even think you like her all that much.

 

If you have any hope of getting your need for attractiveness met, you are going to have to fill her emotional needs so that she does feel loved. The things that she needs have in order to feel loved are likely polar opposite to the things that make you feel loved. I doubt that you will have to lie to her in order to make her feel loved, chances are high that you just need to find out what is most important to her (Admiration- including and especially for things besides her weight? Domestic support? Affection?)

 

Of course, there is no guarantee that she will lose the weight, even if she does feel loved by you. However, it is a lot more likely that she will get healthier and in shape if she begins to feel better and more secure about her love for you. Almost certainly she will open up and have more fun around you. You might get that fun, confident wife you want.

 

 

 

Physical attractiveness is a big thing for guys. Not that women don't appreciate a fine looking guy, but I don't think good looks has anywhere near the same affect on women as it does on me. You would expect your wife to look elsewhere if you were overweight and less confident because it is one of your emotional needs.

 

Let me switch this around as a Woman. For most women, more than anything, we want to feel loved and cherished by our partner. Would you expect your wife to go looking elsewhere for someone who admires her, someone who isn't afraid he is going to go soft on her just laying next to her? Isn't wanting to be loved, wanting to be wanted, a part of being a human being?

 

From your post it seems like you just naturally assume that she should get how you feel about her weight and why; the same situation can be flipped. I don't think you believe you should be able to just waltz off with a more attractive partner, just like hopefully she isn't sneakily looking for a more loving man. However, just as you think it is obvious that anyone would be tempted when he doesn't have a sexy/confident chica at home, as a woman, it looks obvious to me that any woman would be tempted by a smooth-talker or enjoy going out and flirting with any guys who flirted back.

 

My point in writing all this is to say that this isn't just a case of your wife needing to lose weight. I see posters suggesting that there is more to the story, and this is my attempt to say the same thing but with the perspective of a woman. For you to feel better about your marriage, you need her to improve; at the same time, I can guarantee you based on your reports of what she is saying, she needs some improvement from you to feel good about the marriage as well.

 

I think it is awesome that you are online, checking things out and looking for solutions. Your situation is common. It is also solvable. Before you can solve it, though, you have to be somewhat open to multiple solutions (e.g. the thoughts of "she will never lose the weight and I will always be unhappy, I will always and forever more lose out" need to be banished.)

 

IMO it is worth it to solve it. If you hang out here or other marriage boards long enough, you are going to see your problems and possible futures played out in numerous ways. Many, many times the spiral of un-met needs continues, resentment builds, boundaries get lowered. Affairs start. (Look up the poster "International Rock Star" for just one example. He thought his wife was unattractive but had a total turn around when he found out that she was in touch with another man, who thought she was all that. It happens.) Families split.

 

It might not be YOUR intention right now to split with your wife, but it could soon be hers if she feels that you are disgusted by her. This is a GREAT TIME to continue to look into solutions and work to break the resentment/bad feelings cycle.

 

You say you love her and you have a child, so I do hope you take seriously the suggestions to find a good counselor (although honestly, I think His Needs Her Needs is as great start and might even negate a counselor if both spouses are dedicated.) Good luck!

 

I am not saying this defensively. I agree with you in that I dont think my wife feels cherished and desired by me. I am not physically attracted to her unfortunately and I cant change that. As much as I wish it were possbile. I do a lot of things to make her happy otherwise. Domestically I would say im in the top 90 percentile in terms of doing work around the house, cooking, shopping, cleaning and doing whatever she wants me to do. I try to make her happy. But I cannot forsee a lifetime of putting up with average (at best) and repetitve boring sex with a woman I do not find attractive for the rest of my life. Im not threatening divorce or saying im looking at taking drastic measures or putting up ultimatums. I dont opperate that way. I love my wife even though I do not lust for her. But as we all know, sex is a huge part of marraige, and I need to feel attracted to my wife.

 

I think counselling and taking those tests could be a good way to bring issues to the table and talk about them. I just worry about crushing her. She is already so down on herself.

[knitwit]

Sorry, but "trying to support her feeling sexy and accepted as she is" is nonsense. [/Quote]

 

The idea is for her to feel loved and valued as she is. Obviously she is not found to be sexy, and she is not found to be acceptable, as she is. That is the sad point of the posts (or at least it is what I have gotten out of it.)

 

Im sure of you might find his problem demeaning to your own weight and worries, but OhioJohn is not to blame here. (not that it's about blame) And demanding or suggesting that he all of a sudden has to rewire his brain, and get turned on by a fat woman, is neither realistic nor fair. [/Quote]

 

Agreed that this is not about blame. The OP has an issue- he needs to somehow find happiness with his wife, if he wants to keep his family together. There are various potential solutions.

 

 

Imagine if your husband after 7 years of marriage announced that he from now will only be interested in submissive SM role play, and you must not only tolerate it, but also enjoy it. Was this what you signed up for when you married? Well, OhioJohn didn't sign up to be married to a fat woman, and while he loves her and deals with it the best he can, it's seriously affecting his desire for her. [/Quote]

 

Per the OP, the wife was indeed a "fat woman", to use your words when they got married.

 

I understand how him finding her unattractive, only makes the problem worse, and make her find comfort in food. But it's neither realistic nor fair to him to insist that must find a fat woman sexually attractive, when he clearly doesn't.[/Quote]

 

I don't argue that he needs to find her physically attractive. However, he has stated that he might be more attracted to her if she were more fun, open, and confident. He CAN help her with this- he can help her to feel loved, and valued, and this usually leads to confidence. In fact, he is the best person to help her with this, as he is er husband.

 

I think the only way to deal with this, is to start inertia he counseling, and get her in individual therapy too. And in that setting explain to her, what it's doing to their marriage. If he didn't love her, it obviously wouldn't be an issue. A therapist could help her understand what she probably already subconsciously realizes.

 

Agreed that counseling (or action on the Emotional Needs/Love Languages) would be a HUGE help here.

 

The thing I am trying to stress is that, even though he says he loves his wife, I strongly doubt she believes that.

 

I am not doubting that he DOES love her. He is trying to find some solutions! But his wife is outright asking him if he does- trust me, she does not believe his words. Anymore than he believes her words about her getting healthy/fit. If she did believe him, she wouldn't be asking.

 

I suspect she does not think he even likes her very much, let alone loves her.

 

His issues and her issues are intertwined.

[xxoo]

It seems like you are talking in circles.

 

1. Sex is boring because it is missionary, in the dark, under covers.

2. It is missionary, in the dark, under covers because she doesn't feel sexy.

3. I don't try to see her as sexy and support her feeling sexy as she is.

 

I'm saying: if you can try to support her feeling sexy as she is, maybe she will feel more comfortable on top of the covers and being seen, and maybe sex with your fat wife will actually be hot!

[OhioJohn]

It seems like you are talking in circles.

 

1. Sex is boring because it is missionary, in the dark, under covers.

2. It is missionary, in the dark, under covers because she doesn't feel sexy.

3. I don't try to see her as sexy and support her feeling sexy as she is.

 

I'm saying: if you can try to support her feeling sexy as she is, maybe she will feel more comfortable on top of the covers and being seen, and maybe sex with your fat wife will actually be hot!

 

Bottom line: I dont want to have a fat wife.

 

I know I married a larger woman, and I was a fool to think this would change, even with my encouragment after we were married. I remember how hot she was and how she could be and I feel resentment. I guess I could just live with my situation, and that's what im doing. But you keep saying I need to find her sexy - even if she's obese. And I keep repeating myself: I dont find obesity sexy at all. So yes, for the time being I look at her eyes, at her vagina and avoid all those other parts I want to be enjoying too.

[xxoo]

Bottom line: I dont want to have a fat wife.

 

I know I married a larger woman, and I was a fool to think this would change, even with my encouragment after we were married. I remember how hot she was and how she could be and I feel resentment. I guess I could just live with my situation, and that's what im doing. But you keep saying I need to find her sexy - even if she's obese. And I keep repeating myself: I dont find obesity sexy at all. So yes, for the time being I look at her eyes, at her vagina and avoid all those other parts I want to be enjoying too.

 

If she were here, I'd tell her to lose weight.

 

But she's not here. You are. Do you want to have a good sex life, or not? Because the only person you can control is YOU. If there is anything you can do (for instance, helping her feel sexier as she is) that would make you happier with your your sex life, wouldn't you want to try it?

[Criticality]

Wait, wait, wait...

 

She was fat when you married her, but she wasn't always that way, right? I assume she was an, ehm desirable size to you when you met her, then gained weight? And you didn't want to be a bastard and say "sorry hun, but unless you lose 40 pounds, the wedding is off!" But hoped she would lose the weight again?

 

Cause if she has always been this weight, even when you started dating her, then you kinda should have seen this coming.

[Criticality]

The problem here is to seperate love and sex.

 

Women sometimes feel differently and intertwine the two, but men can love someone, even romantically, without being sexually attracted to them. It's not ideal obviously, but it happens, just not as often as men being sexually attracted to someone they don't love (or even like)

 

John obviously loves his wife, but I suspect that its not enough for her.

 

Where a therapist would come into the picture, is to help her understand this, and help them change their unfortunate patterns.

 

Would it be ideal off he could be sexually attracted to her? (Or just make her believe it). Sure, but its not realistic. There are lots of men that are sexually attracted to fat or obese women, but he isn't. You can't just rewire his brain, just like you can't turn a gay man heterosexual. And it doesn't necessarily have to do with love.

 

So... Suggest therapy, and explain that you think it might make your relationship better. Try to explain the situation to the therapist when you're alone with him, and take it from there.

 

What you're doing now isn't working, and I don't think other options are realistic in your case.

 

If worst comes to worst and it won't help, you should consider divorcing her. It's not fair to her either, to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't find her attractive, if that's important to her. But tread carefully, as I'm sure you know.

[OhioJohn]

Wait, wait, wait...

 

She was fat when you married her, but she wasn't always that way, right? I assume she was an, ehm desirable size to you when you met her, then gained weight? And you didn't want to be a bastard and say "sorry hun, but unless you lose 40 pounds, the wedding is off!" But hoped she would lose the weight again?

 

Cause if she has always been this weight, even when you started dating her, then you kinda should have seen this coming.

 

You are bang on. She was desirable when we first met 7 years ago and remained that way for a couple of years. Then once we got comfortable (eventhough it was long distance then), she started putting on the pounds. And yes you're right, i didnt want to not get married because she was overweight. I thought that once we were married and living together that we would be active and healthy. It takes 2 to tango. I tried many times, but when she continued to find excuses not to reciprocate, I gave up and started taking care of myself.

[knitwit]

I am not saying this defensively. I agree with you in that I dont think my wife feels cherished and desired by me. I am not physically attracted to her unfortunately and I cant change that. [/Quote]

 

I can understand your lack of attraction. I don't think it speaks badly of you, I think you are just honest and have a need that is not at all being met by your wife.

 

I do a lot of things to make her happy otherwise. Domestically I would say im in the top 90 percentile in terms of doing work around the house, cooking, shopping, cleaning and doing whatever she wants me to do. I try to make her happy. [/Quote]

 

This is good! I would still strongly recommend hitting up those questionnaires though. Domestic support might not be on her list. If your wife does not feel cherished and loved, it means that you are not meeting her emotional needs.

 

You can not be physically attracted to her and still meet her emotional needs. It sounds insane but truly, it can be done.

 

But I cannot forsee a lifetime of putting up with average (at best) and repetitve boring sex with a woman I do not find attractive for the rest of my life. [/Quote]

 

I don't blame you at all. I don't think you should put up with it, either.

 

Im not threatening divorce or saying im looking at taking drastic measures or putting up ultimatums. I dont opperate that way. I love my wife even though I do not lust for her. But as we all know, sex is a huge part of marraige, and I need to feel attracted to my wife.

 

I think counselling and taking those tests could be a good way to bring issues to the table and talk about them. I just worry about crushing her. She is already so down on herself.

 

You are not happy, and she is not happy. The questionnaires can help BOTH of you be a lot happier in your marriage.

 

I think you are very frustrated right now, quite understandably. However, you say two opposite things:

 

1. Her attitude is a big part of the reason that you are not attracted to her, and if she were more confident and adventurous you might be more attracted to her. It is not just physical, you two once were "hot" with each other even though she was big.

 

2. She is big and will always be big, and you can't be attracted to her when she is big.

 

If #1 is true, then this is fixable, and by meeting her emotional needs you will very likely get that hot, confident woman. The idea behind meeting emotional needs is that it causes the spouse to fall in love. Women who are in love with their guy want to get it on!

 

If #2 is true, then this is all a lost cause. But I don't think it is true, #1 is most likely the real deal.

 

I agree that telling her outright is a bad idea. I think a better- and more accurate- way to bring up the questionnaires is to say that you'd like to work on these so that you both can be happier in your marriage.

[Lokie]

To all the people who are so offended by weight gain in your mate, I think a lot of this could solved by adding "promise to never gain weight and become unattractive sexually to me" to your wedding vows! And your fiance's reaction to this suggestion could be a good tell to whether or not they planned to "let themselves go," "not turn you on," and "only be comfortable with missionary position." Because we all know that people intentionally plan to do this when they get married!

 

It certainly would be more honest than "promise to respect, love, and honor."

 

Sheesh. I feel so bad for your wife. :-(

[scatterd]

She could be getting depressed about her weight which makes it harder to loose. When she mentions her weight and how it makes her feel. Ask her what she thinks is the problem is with her loosing weight and what you can do to help. Support her with love and understanding.She may want to see a doctor and have her thyroid checked and get something for depression, being there for her and loving her unconditionally will help her more then knowing your not attracted to her.Help her print out a weight watchers food calorie manual then go with her to buy the right food to eat. Encourage her to walk. Offer to buy her a new out fit and give her incentive gifts. Love grows with understanding ,communication, sharing goals and acheivments together.Love your wife the way you want to be loved. Good Luck I hope this helps.

Edited October 9, 2013 by scatterd

[carhill]

OP, IMO definitely do all you can to improve your M and address your spouse's needs and wants; concurrently, resist sacrificing yourself at the altar of a spouse's personal self-esteem issues. While it may sound noble to do so, the marked downside risk is that the persistent withdrawals from your love bank without substantive deposits from your spouse will bankrupt you. Trust me, that's not a place you want to be.

 

Opinion varies markedly on establishing timelines but IMO lack of one of any sort, or reviews of progress made, portend to emotional bankruptcy. At some point, as our MC so wisely opined, one must make a decision to stay or go and make it clearly and decisively. Life and mortality is clearly defined and one does not know when the grim reaper will come to visit. While it may seem a lifetime of tomorrows are ahead of you, that could change tomorrow, and without warning. Good luck.

[pteromom]

If she were here, I'd tell her to lose weight.

 

But she's not here. You are. Do you want to have a good sex life, or not? Because the only person you can control is YOU. If there is anything you can do (for instance, helping her feel sexier as she is) that would make you happier with your your sex life, wouldn't you want to try it?

 

This 100X.

 

Ohio, here are your bullets.

 

1. You don't want to divorce.

2. You aren't attracted to your wife sexually because she is overweight.

3. You aren't attracted to your wife sexually because she is insecure about her body and sexuality and therefore won't be vulnerable and open.

4. You want a hotter, more passionate sexual relationship with more variety.

 

OK. So #1 means that that divorce isn't an option. So your only options are to work on solving the issue or continue living like you are.

 

#2 is something only your wife controls, and you have ZERO say in it. So there is nothing you can do about that one.

 

#3 is something you DO have some control over, as we've already noted in this thread. By working on #3, you will also likely have an impact on #2.

 

#4 is something you have DIRECT control over. You have to give passion to get passion. You can't just sit there trying not to look at her, and hope she does something to arouse you. You've gotta commit to a better sex life and make it happen.

 

You have to change YOUR ACTIONS to change the patterns in the relationship. Period.

[thefooloftheyear]

Im sorry....But IME when that ship sails...its usually gone for good..

 

Its kinda ironic that many of the women on this thread will say.."love her for who she is,," Thats great...But the reality is that if he's not happy, there is no way to "fake" that(sexual attraction)...So he is now left with that empty feeling that no matter what happens will not change. Its as if they are basically telling you to install a permanent set of beer goggles..*shrug*

 

IMO

 

Therapy will be a waste iof time...

 

Urging her(which you have already done), is a waste of time..

 

 

I remember years ago, we were at a block party with a bunch of people that I really didnt know..When we got home, she was crying..I asked her what was wrong.? She said that she overheard a couple of women making complimentary remarks about me and then mocking her by saying something like "what does he possibly see in her"..I felt hprrible...It was a terrible thing to say. I thought to myself that maybe, although this was bad, that it would give her some impetus to make a change...Nothing worked..I know if the shoe was reversed, I would have gone dead strict and really whipped myself into shape..I would have viewed it as a challenge. She just refused to do anything to make a change.. I viewed as she really didnt think it was important for her..

 

It does seem shallow...But its unfair to criticise someone for having those feelings..Its important to HIM..I hate to say it, and its not to justify it, but its a big reason why a lot of guys stray...I am sure women would do the same if the situation was reversed...I am not gender bashing here at all...

 

I wish you well...But like I said, Nothing is going to happen unless she recognizes it and WANTS to change..

 

TFY

Edited October 9, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[pteromom]

Its kinda ironic that many of the women on this thread will say.."love her for who she is,," Thats great...But the reality is that if he's not happy, there is no way to "fake" that(sexual attraction)...So he is now left with that empty feeling that no matter what happens will not change. Its as if they are basically telling you to install a permanent set of beer goggles..*shrug*

 

I'm definitely not saying that. I am saying for him to change his actions and see if her getting less depressed and better self-esteem leads to her working on her weight herself.

 

I know if the shoe was reversed, I would have gone dead strict and really whipped myself into shape..I would have viewed it as a challenge. She just refused to do anything to make a change.. I viewed as she really didnt think it was important for her..

 

It all depends on a person's personality and self-worth. Some people see they are getting fat and say "NO WAY. I am fighting this all the way!" and others say "Now I am even more worthless. What's the point?"

[xxoo]

Its kinda ironic that many of the women on this thread will say.."love her for who she is,," Thats great...But the reality is that if he's not happy, there is no way to "fake" that(sexual attraction)...So he is now left with that empty feeling that no matter what happens will not change. Its as if they are basically telling you to install a permanent set of beer goggles..*shrug*

 

Except that a couple men on this thread have walked in his shoes, and report that they HAVE been able to change their feelings toward their wives, even without her losing the weight.

[lace5262]

Yes. My whole issue here is that i am not phsically attracted to my wife anymore. I cannot ignore the way she looks. As much as I wish I could look past it, I simply am not at all turned on by obese women. Im sure they are lovely in other ways, but sexually, when it comes down to it, I want to be with a woman who at least reasonably maintains herself. (Again, my standards are not unreasonably high). I dont want or expect a perfect woman by any means.

 

I'm confused. In another post you said you married her at this weight. Why would you marry someone you aren't attracted to/not turned on by? I'm not attracted to over weight men; nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't marry them either. Makes no sense.

 

Maybe you could buy the book His Needs/Her needs. It addresses physical attractiveness as a top need. Read it with your wife, and hopefully it'll get you two talking. And hopefully help her understand.

[thefooloftheyear]

Except that a couple men on this thread have walked in his shoes, and report that they HAVE been able to change their feelings toward their wives, even without her losing the weight.

 

 

Ill bet that is more the exception than the rule...Good for them....Truth is, you never know the whole story though..

 

Ill say it again..Once that ship sails, its very hard to "retrieve it"...I remember when she put on all that weight, she would lock the door when changing...One time I walked into the bathroom while she was showering and she had an absolute fit..I was never used to that..All of the women I had been with changed/showered, undressed right in front of me...

 

It got very weird...I mean how the hell do you have sex with someone who doesnt want to be seen??

 

TFY

Edited October 9, 2013 by thefooloftheyear