Not attracted to my wife

[JamesM]

Ill bet that is more the exception than the rule...Good for them....Truth is, you never know the whole story though..

 

 

It got very weird...I mean how the hell do you have sex with someone who doesnt want to be seen??

 

TFY

 

You are right. You won't. I don't either. But I do know that attitude does make a difference. You can't make someone lose weight. I can say that so far....she has never gained enough weight to turn me off...except when she was pregnant. I am not attracted to pregnant women like some men.

 

I get how you aren't attracted to her, John. At what weight would you be attracted to her? How much does she need to lose? What can YOU do to give her hope that she can feel better and be more comfortable with the lights on?

 

BTW, I prefer the lights off. It adds to the sexiness and mystery. No matter how beautiful the woman, soft light and darkness somehow adds to he ambience. JMO.

[oliviah]

Been there, done that....I gained weight, lost weight and found that a man just wants a woman to be confident about her body. Lights on, full on whatever. Being older makes a difference. If she can get comfortable with herself the rest will come. I was scared for years to take my clothes off in front of my husband if I gained 10 lbs, than it was lights out and I could not stop thinking about my extra weight and jiggle. It became a viscous cycle for both of us. Gained a lot of weight and realized that there were girls heavier than me that exuded sexual confidence. It is really not about the weight (unless you are pushing your health) it is about the passion and confidence. A man who loves you and you are passionate about likes the jiggle. Once I realized that, at a much older age, I realized that sex is a connection between two people who love each other. I actually lost weight after I realized that. If she was confident about her body, no matter what weight she was, I bet you would totally lust after her. Don't know how to get her there but it is just something I have learned about myself.

[Tiger Lily]

I haven't read the whole thread, so please excuse any repeated advice.

 

I agree with some previous posters who state you can't change her. However, I can't stress enough the importance of positive reinforcement.

 

When you see her making healthy lifestyle choices, make sure you reward her for it. Praise her, give her a kiss, tell her how much you appreciate it when she makes an effort to be healthier. Don't hold back. Make an effort to recognize her, daily. When she gets positive attention -- immediately -- for living a healthy lifestyle, I think it'll be a more rewarding experience.

 

But if she has to wait to lose 60 pounds before you'll give her some love and affection, well, I'm sure the task would be too daunting for anyone.

 

Yes, she has to want this for herself. But you could help her find some immediate rewards by making sure she knows how awesome you think she's doing, each and every day.

[crederer]

You married her. You took a vow for better or worse. Uphold that vow.

 

Apparently you tried to gently tell her and she rejected it. Tell her for certain. That seems to be your only option.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ill bet that is more the exception than the rule...Good for them....Truth is, you never know the whole story though..

No need to ask twice, I'll tell you the whole story.

 

I wish my wife weighed less. She wishes I still had all my hair.

 

Given our shared history, wonderful children and general compatibility, we each choose to overlook these flaws and love each other.

 

It's simple...

 

Mr. Lucky

[man_in_the_box]

You mean your definition of physical attraction, based on weight.

 

John, do you have all your hair, no thinness on top? Same pearly white smile you had as a teenager, no yellowing? No issues with wrinkles, complexion, posture, ED, etc?

 

How would you feel if now or in the future your wife told you any one of the above was a dealbreaker ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I fail to see how that relates to letting yourself go - were not talking about a 'natural' weight gain that comes with becoming older. Which by itself is faaaaaar from something that happens to everybody but that's another topic.

 

If just letting yourself go and overindulging into a unhealthy lifestyle is so acceptible than I suppse its ok if your partner pulls out the heroin needle at a certain point? After all, you'll have to accept him/her as she is...

[thefooloftheyear]

No need to ask twice, I'll tell you the whole story.

 

I wish my wife weighed less. She wishes I still had all my hair.

 

Given our shared history, wonderful children and general compatibility, we each choose to overlook these flaws and love each other.

 

It's simple...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thats great, and I applaud you....

 

It all seems selfish in a way...I used to think "why cant I just overlook this?" And you bring an interesting point...I have all my hair, teeth, and an excepional physique..I even seriously considered, because I really didnt want a divorce(and you are going to think I am nuts) that I maybe should just give up my active lifestyle and sit around eating pizza and donuts, gain some weight so that we'd both be fat and "happy"...But for obvious reasons I couldnt do it...Its just not me..

 

Thats the other thing...Aside from the usual gym stuff, I do stuff outside in my free time. I like to go on hikes and ride my bike, I enjoy kayaking, running and many other outdoor activities. In the beginning I tried to get her into it, but all she did was complain and quite frankly when you are that heavy, even if you want to do it-you simply cant.

 

As far as the OP is concerned.

 

Its a disappointing deal..Its never a good thing to alienate a person that means much to you, but at what point does sacrificing your needs/wants become dysfunctional-regardless of the nobility of the gesture?

 

TFY

[OhioJohn]

Im sorry....But IME when that ship sails...its usually gone for good..

 

Its kinda ironic that many of the women on this thread will say.."love her for who she is,," Thats great...But the reality is that if he's not happy, there is no way to "fake" that(sexual attraction)...So he is now left with that empty feeling that no matter what happens will not change. Its as if they are basically telling you to install a permanent set of beer goggles..*shrug*

 

IMO

 

Therapy will be a waste iof time...

 

Urging her(which you have already done), is a waste of time..

 

 

I remember years ago, we were at a block party with a bunch of people that I really didnt know..When we got home, she was crying..I asked her what was wrong.? She said that she overheard a couple of women making complimentary remarks about me and then mocking her by saying something like "what does he possibly see in her"..I felt hprrible...It was a terrible thing to say. I thought to myself that maybe, although this was bad, that it would give her some impetus to make a change...Nothing worked..I know if the shoe was reversed, I would have gone dead strict and really whipped myself into shape..I would have viewed it as a challenge. She just refused to do anything to make a change.. I viewed as she really didnt think it was important for her..

 

It does seem shallow...But its unfair to criticise someone for having those feelings..Its important to HIM..I hate to say it, and its not to justify it, but its a big reason why a lot of guys stray...I am sure women would do the same if the situation was reversed...I am not gender bashing here at all...

 

I wish you well...But like I said, Nothing is going to happen unless she recognizes it and WANTS to change..

 

TFY

 

That block party scenario sounds horrible for your wife. I feel bad for her. I am in no way Brad Pitt here, but I do feel like people look at my wife and I and think the same thing sometimes. Ive had friends make more subtle comments to me alone without being mean about it.

 

Im not looking to "upgrade", though the thought of sex with a hotter looking woman is exciting to fantasize about. That said, I want to encourage my wife to feel better and to get in better shape. I dont want her to feel humiliated and down on herself.

[OhioJohn]

You are right. You won't. I don't either. But I do know that attitude does make a difference. You can't make someone lose weight. I can say that so far....she has never gained enough weight to turn me off...except when she was pregnant. I am not attracted to pregnant women like some men.

 

I get how you aren't attracted to her, John. At what weight would you be attracted to her? How much does she need to lose? What can YOU do to give her hope that she can feel better and be more comfortable with the lights on?

 

BTW, I prefer the lights off. It adds to the sexiness and mystery. No matter how beautiful the woman, soft light and darkness somehow adds to he ambience. JMO.

 

For years she was saying she wants to loose 50 or 60 pounds. I dissagreed because I do not want a skinny rail of a woman. I like curves and I like a little extra. But eventually she put on so much weight that her goal sounded about right to me. Also her constant negative remarks about her weight have worn me down to a point where I completely agree with her. I dont say it, but she's right - she doesnt look good.

 

The thing with weight is that its completely fixable. Its hard work, but anything that is worth while takes effort. I am supportive and encouraging about BOTH of us undertaking a better diet and exercising regularly. When my words fall on deaf ears, after a while, I just say F$*$ it. Im fed up and resentful because this is a problem that can be fixed.

 

I show her love in other ways as Ive stated. It has not helped with her weight. In fact it makes me feel worse because I do all these things and it's taken for granted. I feel like she just doesnt put effort into her appearance or appreciate what I do because we are married. As you can see this sexless marraige has had a negative impact on other facets of our relationship. But I think that goes without saying. If you take sex out of the equation its going to break other things down. I want to have a good sex life with her, but I cannot bring myself to accept the way she let herself go and continues to do nothing about it despite my (indirect) efforts to jumpstart it.

[OhioJohn]

Been there, done that....I gained weight, lost weight and found that a man just wants a woman to be confident about her body. Lights on, full on whatever. Being older makes a difference. If she can get comfortable with herself the rest will come. I was scared for years to take my clothes off in front of my husband if I gained 10 lbs, than it was lights out and I could not stop thinking about my extra weight and jiggle. It became a viscous cycle for both of us. Gained a lot of weight and realized that there were girls heavier than me that exuded sexual confidence. It is really not about the weight (unless you are pushing your health) it is about the passion and confidence. A man who loves you and you are passionate about likes the jiggle. Once I realized that, at a much older age, I realized that sex is a connection between two people who love each other. I actually lost weight after I realized that. If she was confident about her body, no matter what weight she was, I bet you would totally lust after her. Don't know how to get her there but it is just something I have learned about myself.

 

I totally agree. I think women that exude confidence are extremely sexy. I have said this many times in this thread - I like a little extra weight. Curves are very sexy and I dont mind some jiggle. (I owed an adult movie called "Chubby Chasers" once). There is a point though were too much weight becomes unhealthy and a woman no long looks like a woman IMO. Obesity is not sexy to me. It may be for other men, but I do not like it. My wife is in this bracket now. But what you say about her lack of confidence is what really wipes out any desire on my part. Im very bored in the bedroom.

[rumbleseat]

Bottom line: I dont want to have a fat wife.

 

I know I married a larger woman, and I was a fool to think this would change, even with my encouragment after we were married. I remember how hot she was and how she could be and I feel resentment. I guess I could just live with my situation, and that's what im doing. But you keep saying I need to find her sexy - even if she's obese. And I keep repeating myself: I dont find obesity sexy at all. So yes, for the time being I look at her eyes, at her vagina and avoid all those other parts I want to be enjoying too.

 

I'm really confused.

 

You married her at the size she is now. In many women's eyes, that would be seen as you loving her as she is, a larger woman. According to you, she didn't suddenly balloon up after you got married, yet you are, in effect, viewing her poorly based on something that you went into the marriage with your eyes wide open about.

 

Some of your language you use to describe her doesn't sound very loving to me. You seem so hung up on her weight, which you know about going in. She was attractive enough to you when you married her two years ago, it seems you had lots of sex and her weight was not an issue then, yet now it is?

 

This makes me wonder what else is going on here. It really sounds like there is more going on than her weight. Is something else at play?

 

It would be different if you were saying you married someone slender who gained 80 pounds over five years. According to your very own words, she was large when you dated her, large when you married her, large now. Not much has changed except your view of her. Why has it changed? It couldn't have always been a problem for otherwise you wouldn't have dated her, asked her to marry you, have a child together, etc.

 

It really does sound as if it's not really her weight but something else. Figure out what it is, and then you can begin to try to find solutions. Do you resent her somehow for not somehow "loving" you enough to change?

Edited October 10, 2013 by rumbleseat

[thefooloftheyear]

For years she was saying she wants to loose 50 or 60 pounds. I dissagreed because I do not want a skinny rail of a woman. I like curves and I like a little extra. But eventually she put on so much weight that her goal sounded about right to me. Also her constant negative remarks about her weight have worn me down to a point where I completely agree with her. I dont say it, but she's right - she doesnt look good.

 

The thing with weight is that its completely fixable. Its hard work, but anything that is worth while takes effort. I am supportive and encouraging about BOTH of us undertaking a better diet and exercising regularly. When my words fall on deaf ears, after a while, I just say F$*$ it. Im fed up and resentful because this is a problem that can be fixed.

 

I show her love in other ways as Ive stated. It has not helped with her weight. In fact it makes me feel worse because I do all these things and it's taken for granted. I feel like she just doesnt put effort into her appearance or appreciate what I do because we are married. As you can see this sexless marraige has had a negative impact on other facets of our relationship. But I think that goes without saying. If you take sex out of the equation its going to break other things down. I want to have a good sex life with her, but I cannot bring myself to accept the way she let herself go and continues to do nothing about it despite my (indirect) efforts to jumpstart it.

 

 

See the part bolded...Now think about this...One of my customers is a guy who's wife contrcted a serious case of MS..She is now confined to a wheelchair...Can you imagine how much of a strain that scenario is?

 

You are correct...Weight is fixable..And you are realistic...You arent saying she has to be a size two. It doesnt seem so hard and thats why you are getting resentful..Like why is she willing to let this go as it is? She must know its an issue?

 

I hate passive aggressiveness, but have you ever thought of just not having sex with her at all anymore to see what the reaction from her might be?

 

Again, Im not recommending it, but I am sure you probably thought of it..

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

[JamesM]

No need to ask twice, I'll tell you the whole story.

 

I wish my wife weighed less. She wishes I still had all my hair.

 

Given our shared history, wonderful children and general compatibility, we each choose to overlook these flaws and love each other.

 

It's simple...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well said. My words (almost) exactly. In fact, I wish I had all my hair! Combovers don't work, and Rogaine is too expensive. Hair plugs are expensive. But I guess baldness can be fixed.

 

I fail to see how that relates to letting yourself go - were not talking about a 'natural' weight gain that comes with becoming older. Which by itself is faaaaaar from something that happens to everybody but that's another topic.

 

Everyone has something that is their "cross" or burden which is tough for them to overcome. For many, losing weight is not something simple whether it is because of psychological or emotional issues or slow metabolism. My wife is one who has struggled with weight since her teens. She has gone up and down. I knew this going into it even though she was slim at the time. Over our two decade together, she has gone up and down numerous times. I expect that there will be a weight loss time coming up soon. However, I have tried by getting her books, weight equipment, gym memberships, etc. Sometimes I get the right thing that triggers her, but other times, nothing works.

 

She also has pain all of the time. She has nausea often due to food allergies or perhaps a med she is taking. She is on meds all of the time. She has thyroid issues which also makes it hard to lose weight. She has bowel issues.

 

Simply saying that losing weight is fixable and easy is well, simplistic. And as a married man, we soon realize that it is far from simple to pass along advice to a spouse when that area is an area that they have struggled with for years. Our answers don't always come off as loving but the exact opposite.

 

Thankfully, I can honestly say that it is rare that I look at her and simply see "fat." I usually see "my wife." And how her body looks is secondary.

 

The problem now is that her weight gain and other issues have given her a high blood pressure. I thought that this would trigger a weight loss. It has not.

 

My point is...what seems easily fixable to one person is a seemingly insurmountable wall to another. For her, losing weight is as difficult as it is for me to gain hair.

 

The thing with weight is that its completely fixable. Its hard work, but anything that is worth while takes effort. I am supportive and encouraging about BOTH of us undertaking a better diet and exercising regularly. When my words fall on deaf ears, after a while, I just say F$*$ it. Im fed up and resentful because this is a problem that can be fixed.

 

As you can see this sexless marraige has had a negative impact on other facets of our relationship. But I think that goes without saying. If you take sex out of the equation its going to break other things down. I want to have a good sex life with her, but I cannot bring myself to accept the way she let herself go and continues to do nothing about it despite my (indirect) efforts to jumpstart it.

 

I know the feeling. I have been there. And yes, about her weight too. As I stated above, even more so now because it is affecting her health. It would scare me to take all of those pills every day. yet I understand how she is. There is a certain denial inside. I have it, too. We think either that it isn't that bad, or we console ourselves that "I will start tomorrow." We may even have plans all set up, but then it gets pushed off util...tomorrow.

 

I would suggest, John, to make this about something other than sex. I am not saying that you do, but yet I hear that this is your motivation for getting her to lose weight.

 

And quit thinking of your marriage as sexless just yet. Keep initiating it when you have the slightest interest and she does too. Speaking from a guy who struggles with that in his marriage, crudely said, "get what you can or you won't get much after awhile."

 

See the part bolded...Now think about this...One of my customers is a guy who's wife contrcted a serious case of MS..She is now confined to a wheelchair...Can you imagine how much of a strain that scenario is?

 

You are correct...Weight is fixable..And you are realistic...You arent saying she has to be a size two. It doesnt seem so hard and thats why you are getting resentful..Like why is she willing to let this go as it is? She must know its an issue?

 

I hate passive aggressiveness, but have you ever thought of just not having sex with her at all anymore to see what the reaction from her might be?

 

Again, Im not recommending it, but I am sure you probably thought of it..

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

 

I too have thought of that. Would it be better to have a wife in a wheelchair who could not possibly have sex? Would that be less frustrating? And in some ways, yes. But yet here with a wife who is overweight and a wife who doesn't enjoy sex, there is still hope that she may change because she can.

 

That is the part that keeps us going....hope.

 

As for ignoring sex in hopes that she wants it. IME it doesn't work. If anything, it makes it worse. Why? Because your wife already wonders if you don't love her because of her weight. Never initiate sex, and she will certainly think it is true.

 

I don't have the answer for you, John, because my wife is more than her weight to me. I know why you feel as you do, and I can see myself as you, but I don't consider my wife's weight a libido killer.

 

Just for kicks, I googled getting your wife to lose weight.

 

The first link is obviously written by someone who sees life through rose colored glasses.

How to Get Your Wife to Lose Weight: 7 Steps (with Pictures)

 

This one is a little better.

10 Ways to Help a Loved One Lose Weight

 

Honestly, there isn't much help out there. I can see why you feel you are at a dead end.

 

My "best" advice is:

Love her for who she is (rather pollyannish, I know, but I guess it works for me).

 

Research what her emotional or physical trigger is for her weight gain. Is she depressed? Does she like eating candy all day? Does she drink soda pop alot? Is her weight gain because of emotional issues with your or the baby? (Thought...how was her pregnancy and delivery? Would she do it again? Did she experience post partum depression?) Does she have health issues that may contribute to it?

 

See if she has a girlfriend who can help you motivate her. They could join a weight loss clinic together. They could join a gym together.

 

As they say, good luck.

[whichwayisup]

But over time, and after living with someone who day-in and day-out is down and negative about herself and continues to gain weight - knowing full well it is affecting our already poor sex life - is frustrating. I posted this because im at a point where I dont know what to say or do to get that attraction back.

 

Only read 1st page, but is it possible your wife is suffering from depression? She obviously has low self esteem, and you say she's negative, and putting on weight. Do you 'get at her' a lot for her weight gain? If anything, be encouraging and loving. Go out on evening walks. Play tennis together, something active that can bring you both exercise and fun.

 

Are you still hugging and kissing her? Holding her? Or are you distant and detached.

 

I think if she felt your love and affection, unconditional love, maybe it'd help her feel better about herself.

 

Also, counseling!! See a Dr, get on a program to help her lose weight, talk to someone to help her gain confidence and if she is depressed, talking helps too.

 

Just a thought.

 

Please don't cheat on her, that would just be cruel.

[OhioJohn]

I'm really confused.

 

You married her at the size she is now. In many women's eyes, that would be seen as you loving her as she is, a larger woman. According to you, she didn't suddenly balloon up after you got married, yet you are, in effect, viewing her poorly based on something that you went into the marriage with your eyes wide open about.

 

Some of your language you use to describe her doesn't sound very loving to me. You seem so hung up on her weight, which you know about going in. She was attractive enough to you when you married her two years ago, it seems you had lots of sex and her weight was not an issue then, yet now it is?

 

This makes me wonder what else is going on here. It really sounds like there is more going on than her weight. Is something else at play?

 

It would be different if you were saying you married someone slender who gained 80 pounds over five years. According to your very own words, she was large when you dated her, large when you married her, large now. Not much has changed except your view of her. Why has it changed? It couldn't have always been a problem for otherwise you wouldn't have dated her, asked her to marry you, have a child together, etc.

 

It really does sound as if it's not really her weight but something else. Figure out what it is, and then you can begin to try to find solutions. Do you resent her somehow for not somehow "loving" you enough to change?

 

Yes I married her when she was heavy. The long and short of it is I expected that we could live together and get healthy and active together. Before being married we had a long distance relationship. Its complicated and I dont want to go into the details. Just know that we talked about being more healthy together. I tried to make these changes. Now after living with my wife everyday, and seeing no change or effort on her part - im frustrated and resentful. But you're right, i married her eyes wide open.

[OhioJohn]

See the part bolded...Now think about this...One of my customers is a guy who's wife contrcted a serious case of MS..She is now confined to a wheelchair...Can you imagine how much of a strain that scenario is?

 

You are correct...Weight is fixable..And you are realistic...You arent saying she has to be a size two. It doesnt seem so hard and thats why you are getting resentful..Like why is she willing to let this go as it is? She must know its an issue?

 

I hate passive aggressiveness, but have you ever thought of just not having sex with her at all anymore to see what the reaction from her might be?

 

Again, Im not recommending it, but I am sure you probably thought of it..

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

 

Yes I have tried this approach. We litterally did not have sex for a year and a half. Mind you she was pregnant for most of that time, but still even well afterwards I tried sending subtle signals in the hopes she would make changes. I dont want to hurt her feelings. She knows she needs to get healthy - for her, and for our sex life. Being passive-agressive has not worked out for me in this case.

[rumbleseat]

Yes I married her when she was heavy. The long and short of it is I expected that we could live together and get healthy and active together. Before being married we had a long distance relationship. Its complicated and I dont want to go into the details. Just know that we talked about being more healthy together. I tried to make these changes. Now after living with my wife everyday, and seeing no change or effort on her part - im frustrated and resentful. But you're right, i married her eyes wide open.

 

 

I see.

You feel resentful and frustrated because it's like she didn't keep up her end of things and live a healthier lifestyle? While I'm not discounting the wieght issue, is it possible taht this resentment is also coming in to play with why you don't find her attractive?

[OhioJohn]

I see.

You feel resentful and frustrated because it's like she didn't keep up her end of things and live a healthier lifestyle? While I'm not discounting the wieght issue, is it possible taht this resentment is also coming in to play with why you don't find her attractive?

 

Absolutely. It is all mingled together.

[man_in_the_box]

Everyone has something that is their "cross" or burden which is tough for them to overcome. For many, losing weight is not something simple whether it is because of psychological or emotional issues or slow metabolism. My wife is one who has struggled with weight since her teens. She has gone up and down. I knew this going into it even though she was slim at the time. Over our two decade together, she has gone up and down numerous times. I expect that there will be a weight loss time coming up soon. However, I have tried by getting her books, weight equipment, gym memberships, etc. Sometimes I get the right thing that triggers her, but other times, nothing works.

 

She also has pain all of the time. She has nausea often due to food allergies or perhaps a med she is taking. She is on meds all of the time. She has thyroid issues which also makes it hard to lose weight. She has bowel issues.

 

Simply saying that losing weight is fixable and easy is well, simplistic. And as a married man, we soon realize that it is far from simple to pass along advice to a spouse when that area is an area that they have struggled with for years. Our answers don't always come off as loving but the exact opposite.

 

Thankfully, I can honestly say that it is rare that I look at her and simply see "fat." I usually see "my wife." And how her body looks is secondary.

 

The problem now is that her weight gain and other issues have given her a high blood pressure. I thought that this would trigger a weight loss. It has not.

 

My point is...what seems easily fixable to one person is a seemingly insurmountable wall to another. For her, losing weight is as difficult as it is for me to gain hair.

 

I've never said it was easy. I know better - I've had first hand experience with my partner gaining and losing a bunch of weight. It was hard work for sure.

 

My point being - it IS something that you can work on. To be honest the best moment was not when she was down to a certain weight but the moment she decided she was going to do something about it instead of continuing a bad lifestyle that gradually soured the relationship. THAT was the moment I started believing in her again.

 

From what I can read the OP's wife is not putting in any effort whatsoever. And that is what where the OP's hopelessness stems from. It's the complete lack of effort.

 

Perhaps there are other issues playing a role here - thyroid problem, injury, depression, addiction. I don't know - I haven't heard the OP about that yet so I'm steering clear of passing judgement on that.

 

Yes I have my own vices. I still need to quit smoking - but I've had several long stopping sessions since I started 1-1.5 years ago and I'm gradually lessening untill I feel ready I can try it again. Nobody is sugarcoating that bad habit. If I want to live a long and healthy life I need to quit what's bad for me although I find it very hard to part ways with the ol' cigarette. But that's how life is. People who dare to pick up a fight are attractive. The end goal is a whole nother thing.

Edited October 10, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[lucy_in_disguise]

How long into your relationship did she start gaining? You mention that she had a child and is back at her pre-pregnancy weight... She must have lost some weight recently then, if not enough for you to find her attractive. What kind of positive reinforcement did u provide her through that?

 

The issue I have with your attitude is that you married her at this weight, and had a child with her at this weight. It is never wise to commit with the expectation that your partner will change.

 

It would be good for her to lose weight for herself, but in my opinion, you are the one who is not holding up your end of the promise... To accept and love your wife as she is. She hasn't let herself go, she hasnt changed...you married her like this. It's irrational for you to now feel shortchanged.

[JamesM]

It is never wise to commit with the expectation that your partner will change.

 

This is very true. We all need to learn this. OJ is unusual in that most men marry with the idea that their wives WON'T change, while most women marry with the idea that they will change their husbands.

 

It would be good for her to lose weight for herself, but in my opinion, you are the one who is not holding up your end of the promise... To accept and love your wife as she is. She hasn't let herself go, she hasnt changed...you married her like this. It's irrational for you to now feel shortchanged.

 

No, I think John is trying to accept her as she is. It is one thing to accept someone as they are versus realizing that they do need help. It is entirely one thing to accept someone versus having enthusiasm and desire for someone.

 

I accept my wife with her pains and weight and other issues. But I would be doing her a disservice if I did not try to help her better herself.

 

If this conversation was about smoking, then we would not say, "Accept her as she is...end of story." No, we would (or should say) that the loving thing is to love her, accept her but still try to get her to quit smoking so that she can live a healthy life.

 

If losing weight is better for her and her marriage, then why not try to convince her that it is? That doesn't mean that OJ should make it a condition on which his love is based. He should do it BECAUSE he loves her.

[Copelandsanity]

From what I can read the OP's wife is not putting in any effort whatsoever. And that is what where the OP's hopelessness stems from. It's the complete lack of effort.

 

Perhaps there are other issues playing a role here - thyroid problem, injury, depression, addiction. I don't know - I haven't heard the OP about that yet so I'm steering clear of passing judgement on that.

 

Yes I have my own vices. I still need to quit smoking - but I've had several long stopping sessions since I started 1-1.5 years ago and I'm gradually lessening untill I feel ready I can try it again. Nobody is sugarcoating that bad habit. If I want to live a long and healthy life I need to quit what's bad for me although I find it very hard to part ways with the ol' cigarette. But that's how life is. People who dare to pick up a fight are attractive. The end goal is a whole nother thing.

 

This is a great point. If she's dealing with a severe depression or a thyroid problem, that may require medical intervention. But chances are that she is being the same person she always was - poor eating habits, inactive - and she expects to you to be attracted to her, even if she is obese. One can say they want to eat healthier and be more active, but words don't count. Actions do.

 

It is extremely difficult to change one's lifestyle, even taking small steps to do so. It requires mental strength, desire, discipline, and hard work. What impetus does she have to put in that sort of effort? She's 35, has a faithful husband, a child, is well taken care of, and is free to indulge in her health habits all she wants. She is comfortable and doesn't have any desire to change. And I believe that in her mind, she wants you to also be the same and be just as happy and attracted with her as before she gained the weight. After all, you are her husband and that is your duty to naturally be that for her.

 

If she doesn't have an epiphany, she will not make any effort. That is why I suggest being open and honest with her and attempting to work through this together. She has to realize - as well as the OP - that the both of you are actually fighting for the marriage right now. These are huge incompatibilities - lifestyle and sexual - that will only get worse and worse with time. Avoidance, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, living a surface reality doesn't work. It doesn't work with any other relationship issue and never will.

 

The ironic thing is that the very actions she avoids are the ones that will help her feel less depressed and raise her confidence: eating a clean diet and exercising/being active with her husband or others.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This is very true. We all need to learn this. OJ is unusual in that most men marry with the idea that their wives WON'T change, while most women marry with the idea that they will change their husbands.

 

 

 

No, I think John is trying to accept her as she is. It is one thing to accept someone as they are versus realizing that they do need help. It is entirely one thing to accept someone versus having enthusiasm and desire for someone.

 

I accept my wife with her pains and weight and other issues. But I would be doing her a disservice if I did not try to help her better herself.

 

If this conversation was about smoking, then we would not say, "Accept her as she is...end of story." No, we would (or should say) that the loving thing is to love her, accept her but still try to get her to quit smoking so that she can live a healthy life.

 

If losing weight is better for her and her marriage, then why not try to convince her that it is? That doesn't mean that OJ should make it a condition on which his love is based. He should do it BECAUSE he loves her.

 

I agree with you, James (and I think the insight you have provided in this thread has been awesome). We should always encourage and support our partners to be healthier, and in this situation, Ohiojohn definitely should be helping his wife to lose weight.

 

I just take issue with his resentment, when it sounds like she has been heavy for all but the early stagesorder their courtship. If he knew he was not attracted to bigger women, he should not have married her and had a kid with her. I would say the same thing if she was a smoker. Resentment over something you knew and accepted upfront is irrational and harmful in this situation.

[Daisy7]

My husband when it comes to exercising he is very fit and likes to work out, when he sees am getting a belly he pumps me up and tells me to join him on a morning or afternoon run and he works with me, he helps me and i rather have my own husband tell me to get my things together and be honest with me than just ignoring it and he likes when i exercise with him if he works hard at looking good why shouldnt i do the same for myself and for him as well. As women we should always keep ourselves in shape not for those around us but for ourselves and for our own health benefit. Seems like she got comfortable and it is hard to get out from there. But this can be fixed you can help her through it, work with her encourage her and be honest with her. If this was me i would want my husband to be honest with me. Sometimes it is more than just exercise and eat healthy maybe it can be some sort of medical condition or even medications also give you this side effect. You should talk to her about it and be sincere about how it brings you down to see that she is putting her health at risk and not taking care of herself affects you because you dont want her to have any health related issues down the line etc. just be honest she is your wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being passive-agressive has not worked out for me in this case.

Not sure I'd use P/A but (at least to me) you seem guilty of the same bait-and-switch others have accused her of. You married her knowing that she didn't meet your standard for what you thought she should weigh. You had a child with her knowing the deleterious effect on many women's bodies. And now it seems what has been a gradual process is about to accelerate and she'll have the rug yanked out from under her.

 

She's not posting here, you are. And your mind seems to be made up, maybe even before this thread started. Too bad for her and IMHO too bad for you also. Her issues seem to be with herself, sounds like she sure cares about you...

 

Mr. Lucky