Explain my Ex's Behavior...just want to understand

[GoBroncs1983]

j27, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I saw several similarities to mine as well.

 

I tell myself this...if she cannot handle such little, stupid meaningless things such as losing a $4 dollar earring ("it's not fair!" she actually said that about a $4 dollar earring almost crying), how in the world is she going to handle REAL relationship strains...

 

Perhaps my favorite example of this with my ex: she was short on money, but still decided to order a lavish Chinese takeout dinner for herself. She was texting me throughout this entire situation, as she would regularly give me a play by play of her life. Well, she forgot to tell the restaurant that she wanted a different kind of sauce, and when she opened the container at home, she began to cry, because her Chinese takeout order was wrong. She THREW AWAY all of the food rather than eat it. I'll never forget when she said "I just wasted $15 dollars. Nothing good ever happens to me! Now I have nothing to eat!"

 

That was a regular occurrence - something minor that most people would quickly shrug off would snowball for her into how awful her life was and how she needed to move away. COUNTLESS times. If something positive DID happen for her, it was only after obstacle after obstacle that she created, like being convinced for months that she was going to be fired from her job because the boss didn't regularly talk to her. Then she was promoted and it was revealed the boss actually really liked her work.

 

She would regularly text me how hungry she was and had no food at home. I would, naturally, text back that she should go to the grocery store (there was one literally two minutes from her apartment) and she would almost always say "I'm too tired and I'm in comfy clothes now" and not go - and continue to whine about how she was so hungry. And this girl wants to live in New York?

 

And the way she would talk about her home life, you would think she lived in a cardboard box. But she drives a 2013 car, and lives in a $1400 a month apartment in an affluent suburb with cable, internet, and a washer and dryer in unit. Her job is 5 minutes away. Tough life!

 

My ex talked about marriage very early and often too. Too early and too often. I tried to make light of it and not really entertain it but when I asked why it mattered so much to her, I would get the typical answer I got to every question regarding her feelings..."I don't know".

 

Mine would talk about it too, as I have said. But when I would try and have a serious discussion about it ("Do you really want to?") she would clam up and say she wants to establish a career for herself, maybe in five years, blah blah blah. But when she was in love bombing mode, she would text me possible locations and ideas, and names for our future children. It was like she was playing some kind of fantasy game.

 

I asked why she felt that way..."I don't know"

 

My ex's go-to quote was "I don't know what I want" whenever she was trying to justify absurd behavior. She used it a lot in the last two breakups when she knew I wouldn't accept the blame anymore.

 

If she can't connect deeply with herself, how can she connect deeply with me?........See, these types don't have the ability to look deeper at themselves to find the real reason they feel the way they do. That and/or they are afraid of what they might find out if they do. It's easier to avoid that and just blame the other person instead of looking in the mirror.

 

This is something I've realized about my ex after a lot of thought - I don't think she has done any kind of self-evaluation of herself, well, ever. Personally or professionally. If you ask her, she will say she has the skills to do whatever job she has (or wants), it's just the employer who won't give her a chance. I sometimes read testimonials from people who have quit drugs or stopped bad behavior (not comparing BPD to drug use, but still) and they always seem to speak with such clarity and realization. "I realized that I was (bad behavior) and that I deserved (better behavior and happiness)" My ex does these things and then justifies, justifies, justifies. We all naturally grow and mature as we age. I'm a much more responsible and reasonable person than I was a decade ago. There is no way my ex would ever say she has grown up or needs to - moments of clarity aside. She's had it all figured out for years. It's just the circumstances around her that are keeping her from greatness. She's just a victim of the environment around her.

 

I would regularly call her out on these behaviors (probably not a good thing to do with a BPDer, but I couldn't validate absurdity) and she would usually then attempt to clarify (perhaps this is the revisionist history Downtown mentioned) by saying "What I actually meant/said was....." and she will talk down to me when she would say it. Like I was an idiot for not understanding her. Oh, I understood her - she just changed her viewpoint halfway through to avoid saying she was wrong.

 

I still think it was a test as well. A test to prove my love, push/pull crap. Since I didn't chase her down right away, I proved to her (in her own mind) that I didn't want to be with her and justified her fear of abandonment.

 

This is what I have wondered about, too. Playing games to see if we will chase them. But she spoke with such certainty each time she broke up with me that I honestly thought every time she did it that I had spoken to her for the last time. Even right now, I wonder why she isn't contacting me. Maybe she has found another guy. But she usually would flaunt him to me via triangulation. I still partly think that both of the guys she has fooled around with - the guy in 2013 when I started this thread and the guy last fall - were primarily to make me jealous and beg for her to take me back. She has never permanently slammed the door on us. She has never said "do not talk to me again" and blocked my number. She says she "doesn't think" we can be together, and "hopes we can be friends" some day. Every time I've broken NC and reached out to her, she has talked to me, and eventually we get back together. It's ME this time making the decision that it's too toxic to continue on.

 

This is the one thing I'm still struggling with. There is still a part of me that wants her to try and reach out and admit that again, she made a mistake wanting to break up. It's my passive aggressive side wanting to say "Ah-ha!" and put a nice neat little bow on it all. But since I blocked her (she could still e-mail me if she wanted) I'm sure she has split me black and now thinks she was right all along - that I have now abandoned her. I guess I have, but I never would have had she not behaved in this way.

 

She was more insecure and afraid I would leave her because I would get more attention from women

 

Every girl I worked with, every female friend I had before I met her, every new female friend I made, I was almost interrogated by my ex. It was always in a catty, bratty way (not malicious), to keep me from establishing anything substantial with another woman.

 

My friendship with my best friend (a beautiful female that my ex DEEPLY resented after she was friendly and hung out with her during the infatuation period) was virtually non-existent for the entire relationship due to my ex. I've known her for 12 years, so seven years before I even met my ex. Always platonic, like brother and sister. I hung out with her twice, and both times I came home to my ex laying in bed, almost catatonic. She was THAT suspicious and jealous of my platonic friendships with women. It didn't apply to her, of course, and she developed feelings for one co-worker (who didn't know or reciprocate) and had sex with another. Oh, it was technically okay, because she broke up with me first each time, duh.

 

But it was ME who couldn't hang out with other women. As I've said previously, I think it was because SHE can't be platonic with men, so it must mean I can't have platonic friendships with the opposite sex, either. Kind of what Downtown said - a BPDer is unaware that someone can have feelings different from their own.

 

When you experience the "high" of being loved by a BPDer, "mature" love is well, boring in a way

 

I experienced this with the girl I briefly dated in the fall of 2013. She wouldn't immediately respond to my texts and would tell me she was too busy to hang out! Oh no! Is something wrong? Such a sharp contrast from my ex, who would literally narrate her life to me and want to hang out with me all the time, even to go to Taco Bell.

 

But I think that once I find another woman, and hopefully settle into the relationship, THAT is what I want - mature love that isn't as in my face. I've said this before, but I disliked how my ex treated almost every time we hung out as a big event. Sometimes I just want to enjoy having the other person's company without having to constantly stimulate and validate my girlfriend, both emotionally and physically. It was exhausting being with her.

 

 

And DarkPassenger......I understand where you are coming from. Who knows if my ex has BPD or not. It's a good thing to reference and compare her to, and it has helped me understand (the original reason I posted here a year and a half ago) immensely, PD or not. Again, something is wrong with her behavior, and I need to stay away. THAT I am sure of.

Edited March 4, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[lgspot]

BPD or not, with some people there are two sets of rules (behaviors).

One for you and one for THEM....

 

Some days/some times we're just the WRONG takeout order that day!!!

[jt27]

Bronco, I am glad to share. Saying these things helps me "see the light" even more clearly. Thanks for sharing as well.

 

That was a regular occurrence - something minor that most people would quickly shrug off would snowball for her into how awful her life was and how she needed to move away. COUNTLESS times

 

Yeah, but they aren't most people unfortunately. That's why it was so hard. Being so unfamiliar with this type of behavior created such confusion for me because it was so irrational. I just hoped it would stop eventually.

 

There was a time we went to a bakery while vacationing at the beach and got some cookies. On our way home, we stopped at the grocery store to get some stuff to make dinner. When we returned to my car, my dog had eaten all the cookies. Now, I chuckled because I thought it was funny and you know, they are just cookies. Plus the dog looked hilariously guilty. She didn't laugh. She flipped out...over cookies. "I just want to go home! Take me home!" Home as in not the beach house where we were staying. So I drove back to the bakery with her in a childish mood. Once we got there and got more cookies, guess what? She was happy again and thanked me for going back. All was right in the world again...temporarily.

 

One other instance (like you say there are SO MANY)...a friend of mine was getting married. The night before we decided it might not be a good idea to go because we were supposed to get really bad weather (hurricane). Come the next the day, it turns out the weather won't arrive until after the wedding. So I told her we should go. Again, she flipped out. "You said we weren't going! This isn't fair to me!" Detecting a theme here? "Isn't fair" - entitlement. Playing the victim just because things don't go the way she wants. Just because plans changed, she flipped and made someone else's wedding all about her. Nevermind that we told my friend we were coming and he had paid for our dinner. After much convincing she agreed to go and guess what? We had a blast and she couldn't stop talking about it.

 

That's something I thought would eventually happen...she would learn from her experiences. That these "episodes" were silly and unnecessary but she is unable to do that. She couldn't see that everything turned out good in the end. It just didn't register. These examples just demonstrate their inability to control their emotions/fear. There are times when everyone can't control their emotions such as after a break up or the death of loved one...not when losing your cookies.

 

At times I felt more like her dad than her boyfriend.

 

It was like she was playing some kind of fantasy game.

 

It IS a fantasy to them. They live in a different reality - a childlike realm. My ex looked me right in the eye and said "I want the fairytale" and was dead serious. She also said "I won't be happy unless I have everything I want" in regards to moving in. We had a long conversation about compromise after that one. It amazed me the things she was able to say to me with such a straight face. These are things children say.

 

she just changed her viewpoint halfway through to avoid saying she was wrong.

 

They can't admit fault really. They can pretend to but it's normally only to relieve themselves of guilt. My ex would have a hard time saying sorry for things and when she did it was normally over text message even after I told her I wanted her to apologize to my face. She couldn't look me in the eye and do it. "I just need to get it off my chest". Only doing it for her own good because of guilt instead of truly being sorry and looking me in the eye. She actually "tried" to end things over text before but when I convinced her to do it in person, she couldn't. Courage and BDP don't really go hand-in-hand.

 

She did have a "moment of clarity" once or maybe it was something else. After a another episode where she slipped and fell at my family's house during Christmas and got so emotional/crying her eyes out and demanded to go home, she actually said to me in the car in the middle of her break down "I am such a basketcase, I don't know how you put up with me". I will admit, I loved her even more after that because she actually was vulnerable right then. DOWNTOWN, what do you think of that quote? I know you don't know all the ins and outs of my relationship, and I have a good idea of what it means, but your opinion would be interesting to say the least.

 

She has never permanently slammed the door on us. She has never said "do not talk to me again" and blocked my number.

 

Neither did mine. Never once during our "breaking ups" did she say anything definitive. No "I don't want to see you anymore", no "I don't love you anymore", nothing like that. It was "maybes" and "I don't knows". During the final encounter I even said "will I ever see you again?" to which she replied "I hope so". When I asked a couple weeks later if she really meant that, she denied saying it...I was already split black. The times I reached out after, she always answered though it was always cold and mean. She kept the door open initially for me to chase her down again. To give her the control again. The last time something prevented me from doing it again. At least right away. I think instinctively, I knew I couldn't be the one righting the ship yet again and it held me back. I couldn't bring myself to do it but then my emotions eventually won me over and I did some foolish things. I beat myself up a lot over not going after her right away until I realized it all would have happened again.

 

I think it was because SHE can't be platonic with men, so it must mean I can't have platonic friendships with the opposite sex, either.

 

My ex couldn't be platonic with anyone really. She didn't know how to just be friends which will continue to haunt her relationships. She had no friends really. She didn't want them. She doesn't know how to be one. I actually encouraged her to be with friends. She didn't want to feel obligated by them (in other words bothered or hurt by them) so she kept them at a distance. The one "friend" is someone she only texted/used for her own good (hadn't seen her in like 10 years and didn't even go to her father's funeral). So yeah, that's no friend. It's something I noticed after a while and towards the end. A lot of the things she used to enjoy doing with me became "obligations" as she said. Because she really didn't enjoy them to begin with, she just mirrored me. She couldn't keep up the act forever.

 

Sometimes I just want to enjoy having the other person's company without having to constantly stimulate and validate my girlfriend, both emotionally and physically. It was exhausting being with her.

 

Boy, ain't that truth.

 

I will admit, part of me is still drawn to my ex. I still have a "yearning" for her sometimes. It's like she is still in my "system". Like you, I still think about her. I actually ran into her father the other day and man, did that bring some emotions back. I actually dreamt of her for the first time in a long time that night. But it all quickly fades as I remind myself that she a child trapped in a woman's body and if she truly wanted to be with me, she wouldn't have left. Never once did she actually fight for the relationship. That is "not fair" to me

 

I deserve better. So do you.

[GoBroncs1983]

She couldn't see that everything turned out good in the end. It just didn't register. These examples just demonstrate their inability to control their emotions/fear.

 

My ex would rarely get upset at the drop of a hat. She was quick to react negatively to things, but would only usually become hysterical after several things built up (the Chinese food story), and with her Eeyore personality, things would build up fast. But that constant pessimist view of things? Yeah, pretty much all the time. Every semester of college, she would be convinced at the outset that she would fail all of her classes. Then she would get a handle on things, and get all A’s. Every time. She would be excited about say, a new job, but it would quickly evaporate.

 

At times I felt more like her dad than her boyfriend.

 

I can’t explain it in words, but I nodded emphatically to this sentence. It was like I was soothing a child and telling her things would be okay, like I would do to my own daughter, an ACTUAL child. She would worry and become upset at minor things, and I would be dumbfounded that an adult would be unable to calm down and look at the situation objectively. There was no moment where she stopped pouting and tried to move on. It would very slowly dissipate with no resolution (and likely flare back up again), and by then, there was usually another issue for her to focus on. But whenever I would bring up soothing her, or maybe go a little overboard, she would react negatively "I don't need to to hold me and tell me everything is all right! I can handle it!"

 

My ex looked me right in the eye and said "I want the fairytale" and was dead serious.

 

I never heard such a phrase, but she would say sometimes that she “lived in dreams.” She would clarify (“What I meant was…”) by saying that she was always trying to better herself, and who wouldn’t want to do that? But she definitely showed the dissociation of BPD.

 

Another thing she did? Unrealistic expectations for living. When we moved in together, we had to buy ALL new everything. We needed a couch, but she didn’t want to use my bed, or either of our dishes or silverware. All store bought, and it came back to haunt us when the credit card racked up. When we again spoke about living together last year, she insisted on all new furniture and accessories from IKEA. She wanted a $3,000 couch. She would say she HAD to have all of it because the design of her home was the most important thing to her.

 

That was another key phrase she used – most important to her. I make good money, but I have a 10 year old and student loans. I can’t afford all of that stuff. She assured me SHE would pay for it, and to let her handle it all. I said okay. Of course, the idea faded away eventually because she doesn’t have that kind of money, either, as did the idea of living together. She can talk, talk, talk, and plan, plan, plan, but when it comes time to execute, nope! This is why I can't take her seriously when she says she is (not wants to, IS) moving to NYC.

 

She actually "tried" to end things over text before…..

 

Every breakup was via text. Usually, when she would finally agree to sit down with me, she would soften and we would “get back together.” Only when I didn’t chase after her did she jump in bed with another guy (when I started this thread).

 

"I am such a basketcase, I don't know how you put up with me". I will admit, I loved her even more after that because she actually was vulnerable right then.

 

This is odd, because I felt the same way. Last October, my ex was laid open for me to see, emotionally. She admitted all of her issues, and agreed with my assessment of her behavior – when I mentioned the BPD traits she was exhibiting without actually saying BPD. Typically, she will push me away and be SO SURE of her decision – while leaving the door open (“I hope we can be friends again someday”). The last few breakups, where she couldn’t place blame on me (because I wouldn’t accept it) she would say all of those things about herself. “I can’t be the woman you deserve.” “I’m flighty and selfish.” “I have treated you terribly and you shouldn’t want to talk to me anymore.” Was she trying to push me away and make me hate her? Or was she fishing for a “No, you are not terrible!” response? Whatever the case, it was like I was seeing the real her, actually admitting her behavior was destructive.

 

…no "I don't love you anymore", nothing like that. It was "maybes" and "I don't knows".

 

I heard to the very end that she loved me more than anyone else and valued me more than anyone else. Her behavior said otherwise, of course. And when I would ask, “If that’s how you feel about me, why can’t we be together?” she would respond by either saying we had different goals, or she didn’t know what she wanted. She was emphatic at the very end – “I need you to understand and know how much I love you!” I just shook my head. All she could say then was “I’m sorry” and got out of my car in tears. I was probably split black shortly after that.

 

She had no friends really……..The one "friend" is someone she only texted/used for her own good…

 

When we started dating, my ex had a couple of friends from high school, but more of the found-each-other-on-Facebook kind. Her other “close” friends? Women she knew from a band’s message board. None of which she had ever met in person, except the girl in Boston, who she was staying with. That’s something maybe DOWNTOWN (using the jt27 approach, ha) can look at? No real friends in real life, just “connections” that you never have to see – a BPD trait? For me, that attracted me to her more, because I’ve never wanted to date a party girl with 56 friends who goes out every night. I am similar as well, although I have actual friends here in town.

 

One of those message board girls lives in NYC, and has been my ex’s “best friend” over the last couple of years. They text endlessly. And they have never met in person. When we went to New York, of course they made plans to hang out, but it never happened. Why? I honestly don’t know. My ex said it was a scheduling conflict, but she was free…..to be honest, I had a hunch they wouldn’t actually get together. I can’t explain it, but it’s like they prefer to have the distance friendship. One of those other message board women lives here in town with us and actually went to go see my ex at work, and she told me afterward how weird it felt to actually meet her in person. They made plans to go out to dinner, but I’m sure you can figure out if they actually did. (nope)

 

Another thing she did – she would make fast friends with co-workers, but drop them when she left the job. She had one job where they all went out weekly to sing karaoke at a bar. My ex would go, sing, stay out late. She NEVER once sang in front of me, but could in front of them and a bar full of strangers – BPD trait of acting different around different people, right? That whole weekly idea faded fast, and she doesn’t talk to any of them anymore.

 

She spent the first six months at her current job complaining about virtually every person who worked there. She called one of the security guards “Forrest Gump” because he was so dim-witted, according to her. But in the last month of our relationship, she started hanging out with them, despite being so sick and exhausted every day (her words). She told me during our last person conversation that they are a distraction from all of the crap in her life, and she probably won’t ever hang out with them again after she quits, which she wants to daily. Obviously she doesn’t want to be alone. And when I pointed out that she could spend that time with me instead of going out to a bar every night with those people, she said it was too hard to see me because we can’t be together. That was about when I gave up, when she would rather hang out with Forrest Gump than me.

 

Never once did she actually fight for the relationship

 

Yup, same here. She would love bomb me by saying she missed me when she would want to pull me back (she would always say she missed our friendship, but I knew what she meant) but she would continue to talk about our relationship in the past tense, about how she doesn’t deserve me. I would have to be the one to say I wanted to give us another chance, and then persuade her to do the same, and she would agree.

 

When she would push me away, I would call her bluff and say okay, we’re done, and we can never speak again. She would say things like “If that’s what you want” or “I’m sorry it has ended up this way” to try and pin it on me to cut the cord. But then she would keep her finger in my collar by saying “I don’t want to lose you from my life! You’re my best friend!” – trying to hold on without calling me her boyfriend. I can’t remember her ever saying she didn’t want us to break up. Give it another shot after I beg? Sure, but never the former.

 

When I started this thread, she was dating another guy, and said we could remain friends, although she kept repeating how hard it must be for me and how sorry she was for hurting me. I started dating the other girl, and told her so (as she encouraged me to find someone else) and she became HYSTERICALLY upset, blubbering crying on the phone with me, telling me how much it hurt her to see me with another girl. Keep in mind she was dating and sleeping with another guy. When that relationship ended, I went on one date with another girl and told my ex, and again she became upset, and this time said I was rubbing my relationships in her face. Yes, she actually said this. When we ended up back together, she let me know how much I had hurt her, and told me it made her not want to speak to me. Yes, by dating another girl while she dated another guy. That wasn’t allowed.

[jt27]

things would build up fast. But that constant pessimist view of things? Yeah, pretty much all the time.

 

It seems to be their nature. It goes along with playing the victim. It was a huge disconnect with me and my ex. I was always looking at and believing in the good or concentrating on the positive (same way when I looked at her) but my ex had a defeatist attitude. This positive outlook I have is a big reason we stayed together as long as we did. I believed we would work out. She "views relationships like jobs" as she put it.

 

 

Another thing she did? Unrealistic expectations for living.

 

They have unrealistic expectations in general. When you live in fantasyland, it's impossible to have expectations that are possible to live up to. I am of the belief they want the whole relationship to be a honeymoon period. In my case, I know that to be the case. The honeymoon period is pure bliss and my ex thought that the way it should ALWAYS be in a relationship if she was with the "one". Adverisity automatically means something is "wrong" with the relationship even though the adversity was almost always in her own head. Something I had no control over which is why these relationships fail. It's in their head and there is nothing we can do to fix a "problem" that really doesn't exist. The more I tried, the worse it got and it drove me nuts because I feel like I failed because I couldn't figure it out. I was trying to fix something but didn't know what I was fixing which is so incredibly exhausting and frustrating.

 

She can talk, talk, talk, and plan, plan, plan, but when it comes time to execute, nope!

 

My ex would constantly make and break plans with me. She would constantly say things like "I am just gonna go away for the weekend to relax by myself" or "I am getting my own place" blah blah blah. I realize now she said these sorts of things just to get a reaction out of me. To see what I would say. Normally I would just say "Go right ahead, if that's what you think you need". I even offered to let her stay at my beach house for a weekend by herself which she said she would do, but never did. There is no way she could be alone for that long.

 

Marriage was the big thing with us. We were actually shopping for rings a week before it ended. She wants this and wants that but when the reality of it hits, she gets scared...engulfment and abandonment. If she gets too close, she thinks I will leave her while also afraid to be stuck in a situation she can't get out of.

 

I heard to the very end that she loved me more than anyone else and valued me more than anyone else.

 

I do believe my ex loved me more than anyone previously in the only way she knew how. I don't know your entire situation but I am inclined to say the same about your ex. My guess is she is just scared. Such was my ex. Afraid to commit, then it doesn't work out. They live in such fear and their actions are dictated by that fear. In their heads they say "I love this guy so much" but something in them prevents them from bringing down their wall to be vulnerable. A perfect example is when my ex tried to move in. She was SO excited to move in then when it actually came to be, she couldn't handle it. Something deep within her squashed that excitement she had about moving in (took her weeks to move all her stuff in). She didn't even think twice about it and never thought about how it would affect me. I know now that she freaked out because she was getting too close. Same with the shopping for rings. She actually said to me about moving in "what if it doesn't work out, what happens to me?" and about ring shopping she said "It scares me but not in a bad way". Basically thinking she would commit to it only for me to abandon her. So much fear. That fear overrides everything. It makes me so sad. I can't imagine living in such fear.

 

This also points back to their pessimistic outlook. It prevents her from taking any kind of risk and leaving her comfort zone. She would feel out of control if she moved in with me. She wouldn't have things the way she wanted them and she would feel engulfed by me while also afraid I would "kick her out" of I see the "real" her.

 

Usually, when she would finally agree to sit down with me, she would soften and we would “get back together.”

 

Yup, pushing you away. It's like another test. They are so unsure of themselves and easily assured by others. My ex would tell me things like "my mom says you know jt thinks you're beautiful if he tells you even when you aren't wearing make up". "My mom says this or that...". She couldn't trust her own feelings so she trusted what her mom told her. I guarantee if her mom said she should come back to me, she would. So she administers tests to see if I pass. I didn't pass the very last one.

 

No real friends in real life, just “connections” that you never have to see – a BPD trait?

 

It is a trait. They can have superficial friendships but not real friendships. Again, they can't allow themselves to get too close and let themselves get too emotionally connected which would trigger their two fears. Also if they got too close, there is the fear that the other person would see the "real" side of them. So in my case, my ex used her "friend" for what she needed but wouldn't actually do anything "real" friends would do for their friends. She kept her at a distance so she can get what she want out of it without ever really committing to it.

 

she told me afterward how weird it felt to actually meet her in person

 

My ex gave the same kind of reason as to why she didn't go to her "friend's" dad's funeral. "After all these years, I don't want this to be the reason to see her. I would be weird." Thing is, this IS the reason to actually see her...if she was actually a friend. And again, making it all about herself instead of empathizing. It's weird because there is no actual connection. Ever notice how after years of not seeing a real friend, then you do, it seems like he never left? Yeah, i don't think that exists for these types.

 

Yes, by dating another girl while she dated another guy. That wasn’t allowed.

 

Different rules my man. I often wondered what my ex's reaction would be if she found me with another woman. Months ago when I was dating someone, I ran into her brother. Afterwards I had wished I was with the girl I was dating so it would get back to her. This girl was absolutely gorgeous and I wonder what effect it would have had. But in the end, that is just silly to think this way and it doesn't even matter now.

 

While I am happy to share my experiences Bronco, I want to be careful we don't get into a pissing match over whose ex was "crazier". I don't think of my ex in a bad light, just that she is broken and cannot be fixed. I loved her like no other before and won't let this jade me. I hope you feel the same. Truth be told, if she was on the side of the road with a flat tire and I saw her, I would most definitely stop and help.

[GoBroncs1983]

I want to be careful we don't get into a pissing match over whose ex was "crazier". I don't think of my ex in a bad light, just that she is broken and cannot be fixed.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. My ex gave me some of the greatest experiences of my life, and I am a better person for knowing her - all of the negatives aside. I grew tremendously because when she was "good" she was the woman of my dreams - intelligent, cultured, well read, and interested in things most people her age (20-25) don't care for, but she was, and I was, and it was bliss.

 

This is why I have shared my experiences here - it was truly, truly hard to accept that she was broken and that it wouldn't work out between us. Unlike most BPD stories, she wasn't a vengeful, hateful, abusive person. She would treat me poorly, and I could tell that she hated that she was doing so - but she couldn't find a way to NOT keep doing it. She is a good person, with tremendous emotional immaturity.

 

I feel sorry for her. Neither of her parents have ever really been parents (she stopped talking to her father 8 years ago - maybe that's another BPD relationship split black) and her mother is manic, exhibiting the same kind of BPD behavior, just times about 50. I can confidently say she didn't learn the behaviors as a child as a result.

 

I'll always love her, but the negatives outweighed the positives. I still think about her daily, and yes, I get upset thinking about how she is likely with another man right now. But my biggest hope is that she gets past all of her issues and someday, somehow, becomes happy. I'm just sad it wasn't with me.

 

She told me during each push away phase that she had wasted my time, and would ask me "If we ended things now, will you wish that you had never met me?" The answer to both of those inquiries is a resounding "No."

[jt27]

I don't want to ex-bash. I just know that doesn't really help in the end and know some people can get caught up in that. Not saying you are Bronco, just don't want to head down that road. That's all.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. My ex gave me some of the greatest experiences of my life, and I am a better person for knowing her

 

Definitely. It's something that has helped me tremendously. I am a better person and man because her. She was the best thing to happen to me when she entered my life and best thing to happen to me when she left. I most likely would not have learned what I have if we stayed together.

 

it was truly, truly hard to accept that she was broken and that it wouldn't work out between us

 

So, so true. It was like my heart broke all over again when I came to terms with this. It was such a bittersweet feeling. There is nothing I could have done really to make her better. Only she has that power.

 

I feel sorry for her. Neither of her parents have ever really been parents

 

Same. I cannot blame her for having this demon. I blame her parents. Her situation is a little different. Her parents had a turbulent marriage when my ex was younger and she experienced things a child shouldn't have and her parents (her mom in particular) handled it incorrectly. Her mom is too much her friend, not enough her mom. My ex had her name on her license plate...so did her mom. Just strange. This is what her mom told me "I wasn't going to stop having kids until I had a daughter". That should give you a good idea. Her family also has a history of mental illness. So combine that with her childhood...perfect storm.

 

One thing I struggled with is anger. I had a very hard time getting angry at her and staying angry. She is so damaged, it's hard to get angry at someone for doing something they just can't help. I am sure this makes it even harder to get over, making the grieving process longer.

 

I still think about her daily, and yes, I get upset

 

I still think of my ex every day also. At times, I do get upset too. When there is no "real" or "normal" reason for it to end, it is so hard get past that and I sometimes get caught up in what could have been. It wasn't because she didn't love me (in her own way), or that we had different goals, or we weren't compatible (in the typical sense). It's because she is so scared.

 

She told me during each push away...

 

Similar here. Every time she had that self doubt, my response was always "you are worth it" or "I love you for you". She just couldn't trust me.

 

Something I tell myself when I think about her is that sometimes the one thing we want more than anything isn't always what we need. In a lot ways, I needed this to happen to show me my own faults and teach me a huge lesson. I am without a doubt a better person and man because of this even though the scar is huge.

 

She will always be in my heart. No woman ever made me smile like she did. I adored her.

 

I by no means have no fault in this but difference between me and my ex is that I can reflect back and realize my faults and flaws, learn from them and make myself better. She will sadly just wash, rinse and repeat.

[GoBroncs1983]

It wouldn't be a recovery process without a few bad days. Today was one of those days.

 

A few days ago, a mutual friend of my ex and I (my friend, but her friend through the relationship, friends with both of us on Facebook) messaged me asking if something was going on. I had told no one of the breakup, I'm not one to air my relationship woes with friends, since I've been the recipient numerous times. I asked why, and he said my ex had posted a photo on Facebook with another guy. Well, I guess that was expected. But the photo (he showed it to me) is of a co-worker of hers.

 

He's the security guard at her job. They have worked together for quite a while. When she would describe him, it was always negative. According to her, he's so dumb that she and other staff members had nicknamed him "Forrest Gump." He was born and raised in a rural town that my ex loathes (remember she likes the big city), as it's right next to the slightly better suburb I now live in. He's religious - a big deal breaker for my ex with ANYONE, much less a relationship. He's a Conservative - another deal breaker. He is uncultured - she made a point to tell me that his favorite restaurant is Longhorn Steakhouse by where he lives, and how he doesn't know "good food." She showed me text messages from him with poor grammar and punctuation and said "Imagine that but in person!" He was a goofy, fun guy, but a joke in her eyes. At the time.

 

However, she talked a lot about him. Given his job as a security guard, he spent most of the day talking to her at her desk. Also, he was married to his high school sweetheart - again from the same town.

 

Still, because of my ex's history of taking platonic friendships with men into something more, I was skeptical. She then told me how unattractive she found him, giving specific details about his physical appearance. With all of the above said, I believed he wasn't a threat.

 

Then came this latest push away/breakup.

 

Now, she IS dating the above guy, and has mentioned it on Facebook. I'm assuming his marriage ended at some point recently, because as late as our trip to NYC in December, my ex referenced him AND his wife. I do NOT think it's public infidelity - although he is still friends with the ex (I knew her name) on Facebook, interestingly. My ex wouldn't put herself in a situation where she would publicly look bad.

 

With the guy last summer (when I returned to this thread), she didn't mention it to anyone publicly. My ex posted on Facebook yesterday about how she was going to be on a "staycation" this weekend in the downtown part of our city. I found this out from our mutual friend when we met up today - also downtown - for a convention. He was afraid we would cross paths with her. That's when he showed me the photo, and all of the check-ins on Facebook at the different eating establishments. It hurt, bad.

 

Now, it hurts to see her with another guy. But it REALLY hurts to see her with Mr. Gump. I know I am better than him. I know she traded down. I'm presuming she was looking for a rebound, and of course, there he was. And I'm presuming he wanted the same if his marriage ended like I assume.

 

I know some of you may want to say "It's obvious she traded down - feel good that she's with a loser like that!" I know she did. But there's something about the fact that it's THAT guy, the guy she constantly bashed, that has taken my place. And they are (I'm sure it was her idea) having a ball this weekend on the town. And she isn't ashamed to admit it publicly.

 

With the other guy that started this thread in 2013, at least he was a smart college student. This guy has no college and has been living in the same town his whole life. Remember when my ex said we couldn't be together because she wants to eventually move to NYC? I know that's a push away excuse, but HOW is this guy a better option?

 

I know of her BPD traits. I know this is an infatuation that will likely fade, but it still hurts. I had reached a point where I was going to tell her off if she contacted me again, but now - low point - I want her to contact me and let me know she still thinks and cares about me. THEN I want to tell HER off. But I want to hear her say how dumb it was to be with this new guy. I can't imagine she is happy. But yeah.

 

It's worth mentioning that she hasn't directly let me know this is going on. I found out from my friend. So she isn't exactly flaunting it in my face. But at the same time, she had to have seen my friend post that he and I were going to the convention this weekend, and well, I wonder if the "staycation" quickly came into play after that. I asked my friend if there was anything on her profile that indicated Forrest was in the picture, and he said no, not until the last couple of days.

 

It sucks. And it sucks for me that she has chosen a defined loser. Obviously he isn't now to her, but Downtown, there's no way this guy is a "strong" personality for her.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Downtown]

GB, if she has strong BPD traits, she has such a weak, fragile sense of self that she will rely heavily on a partner to provide that sense of personality, i.e., to center and ground her. It therefore is common for BPDers to pair up with a partner who bears little resemblance to her former partner -- and little resemblance to her professed goals and desires. Indeed, it is common for BPDers to be so adaptable that they will get along with a wide variety of different people and different groups of people.

 

After all, since early childhood, a BPDer has been mirroring other peoples' personalities and goals. This is done not so much to control other people but, rather, as a way of fitting in and being accepted and loved. That said, this mirroring process is at its strongest only during the infatuation period, during which time she is convinced this new man is the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her.

 

Because she is convinced he poses no threat to her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) during that period, her mirroring will be nearly perfect. All that begins to fall apart, however, as soon as her infatuation starts to evaporate -- usually after about six months. When that happens, her fears will return because the infatuation is not there to hold them at bay. This, at least, is my understanding and my experience, GB.

[GoBroncs1983]

What about him? He was married until recently. Isn't a double rebound relationship a bad, bad idea for all involved?

 

And I can understand how she can mirror other people, especially in relationships. She did it with me. She did it with college guy in 2013. She wasn't with the guy last summer long enough. But THIS guy - she openly made fun of him and bashed him to me. I feel she was being truthful at that time. She didn't agree with his lifestyle (Conservative Christian). She has always been a proud, specific person about who she associates with. It's mind boggling that it would be him. I can see it in the other guys, but not this one.

 

And for the record, one of her complaints about his appearance was how he had a buzzed haircut, wore tight pants, and looked like a young boy. In the photo I saw today, he has grown his hair out and has a beard, just like I do. I can't help but think it was by design, and if he's that adaptable for what she wants, look out.

[Downtown]

What about him? ...It's mind boggling that it would be him. I can see it in the other guys, but not this one.

GB, I agree with Mikey that you should stop trying to make sense out of her date choices and other activities. If she has strong BPD traits as you believe, she is emotionally unstable and does black-white thinking. With such people, it is common for them to be strongly attracted/repulsed by someone and then, six months later, to flip 180 degrees in less than a minute. And then, six months or a year later, they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, does this not only with respect to people but -- to a lesser extent -- also with respect to jewelry, furniture, and clothing. That's how emotionally unstable people behave, especially when they have a fragile, weak sense of who they are. So, if you keep trying to figure out why she's now loving what she previously hated (and vice versa), you'll simply become a nervous wreck. As Mikey suggests, let it go, GB.

[Acacia98]

A few days ago, a mutual friend of my ex and I (my friend, but her friend through the relationship, friends with both of us on Facebook) messaged me asking if something was going on. I had told no one of the breakup, I'm not one to air my relationship woes with friends, since I've been the recipient numerous times. I asked why, and he said my ex had posted a photo on Facebook with another guy. Well, I guess that was expected. But the photo (he showed it to me) is of a co-worker of hers.

 

A word of advice, GoBroncs1983: Your friend isn't doing you any favors by giving you details of what she's posting on Facebook, who she's seeing, where she's staying, etc. The whole point of your blocking her on social media was to avoid being exposed to all this stuff and the spiral of insecurity that it would pull you into. You should think of a way to set up boundaries that your friends will respect - boundaries that make it clear that you are no longer with her and bear no ill will towards her, but have no desire to rehash the details of your relationship/break-up or to talk about what she's doing now.

 

It's worth mentioning that she hasn't directly let me know this is going on. I found out from my friend. So she isn't exactly flaunting it in my face. But at the same time, she had to have seen my friend post that he and I were going to the convention this weekend, and well, I wonder if the "staycation" quickly came into play after that. I asked my friend if there was anything on her profile that indicated Forrest was in the picture, and he said no, not until the last couple of days.

 

It sucks. And it sucks for me that she has chosen a defined loser. Obviously he isn't now to her, but Downtown, there's no way this guy is a "strong" personality for her.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

I've read through all the posts on your thread, and the one thing that worries me is that you seem to have devoted more time to understanding what is wrong with her behavior and why she behaves that way than you have to understanding your own missteps and the emotions/insecurities behind them. You describe her behavior in greater nuance than you describe her own. You point out how absurd her behavior is in certain situations, but seem oblivious to the fact that your response to her in certain contexts could also be labeled absurd. One of the things I've read about being codependent is that it involves placing the other person before yourself. Is it possible that, even in your efforts to extricate yourself from this toxic relationship, you are still holding onto the idea that she is the one who is broken and needs fixing and neglecting the ways in which you yourself are hurt/scarred and need to focus on your emotional needs? Have you considered individual counseling?

 

There seems to be denial running through your posts, including denial about the fact that your being in a toxic relationship does have an impact on your child. It is possible that you are focusing so much on your ex-girlfriend to avoid doing the hard work of focusing on yourself. I hope I'm wrong...

Edited March 16, 2015 by Acacia98

[GoBroncs1983]

Acacia, I really appreciate that feedback. You are right that I haven't really been focusing on myself.

 

I will say this about my ex, and that entire situation, and this is going to not sound good, but as I type this: All I want, whether it happens tomorrow or in six months, is for her to try to pull me back into the relationship, so I can tell her no. Yes, I want to be needed, simply so I can tell her I no longer need her. This isn't some backwards way of saying I secretly want her back. I don't. This pain is too great, too many times. And it would happen again.

 

I want to be able to tell her no, and then if hell, she marries the next guy she meets, she will know it's because I didn't want her anymore, and not because she decided to devalue and replace me. But I know it will likely be a while if that ever happens. She has a group of co-worker friends to daily validate her relationship with this new guy. It's why she flaunts their every move on social media. I shouldn't be waiting for her so I can have my "moment." I have thought numerous times over the years, each time this happens, about writing her a goodbye letter or e-mail, with a final stamp on it all. Of course, I haven't, but even if I did, I would wonder forever if she actually read it, and what she thought. It's selfish, but seeing her reaction to losing me is what I want. I mean, that's why she does it to me, right?

 

I have spent countless hours here, and up at night wracking my brain about her. I suppose I just want someone to tell me it wasn't anything I did, or that I could have done. I'm a blunt person. I never really tried all of those "validating techniques" to walk on eggshells around her and maintain the relationship. I shouldn't regret telling her she was treating me terribly, or going NC for a week in January. Or going full NC and blocking her number. I want to know she will do it to this next guy.

 

For those of you who had BPD/other PD partners who permanently left you, how did you find a way to rebuild yourself after a lack of closure? I know most BPD relationships end without it, just like mine currently has. How did you survive?

 

I have always felt in my relationships that it is the job of the partner(s) to make it work, even in tough times, unless someone does something unforgivable. I don't go into a relationship thinking "okay, I'll evaluate in 30 days and decide if I want to keep going." My BPD ex of course reeled me in with infatuation. I feel that you don't end things because someone is emotionally negative, or seemingly going through a tough time. You help them. You are there for them. That is why I gave into my ex so many times. That is why I allowed the mother of my child to control things for so long before separating and hiring an attorney. Ending things is a last resort for me. I shouldn't fail to mention that my parents have been married almost 40 years, so I suppose I model after them.

 

I want to seek counseling. Downtown, you said in your very first post in this thread that I should see a therapist. For those of you who have, did you gain anything? Did hearing a doctor tell you some of the same things you read on this forum carry more weight for you? Will I be enlightened? Are there ways for me to work on myself with a counselor? I have never even thought about how it would go.

 

Ultimately, I want to get to a point where I don't care about my ex anymore, or what she is doing, or what she is up to, even if it's positive for her. I mean, my daughter's mother is getting married next month, and I couldn't care less. I was able to detach from her - but mainly because she and I had a vicious court battle and I was able to see her in such a negative light. My ex was a waif BPDer who seemed so sorry to break up with me, and seemed so needy to want me back. It was like my daughter getting mad at me, and I can't detach from a child. The cops were never called, there was never a direct "she's crazy!" moment that I could say ah-ha to.

 

Hell, I don't even know where to find a counselor. Do I just look one up online and hope they can help me?

 

I want this feeling to go away. And I don't want to count on my ex to do it. So yet again, I'm asking for help.

Edited March 16, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[Downtown]

I want to seek counseling. Downtown, you said in your very first post in this thread that I should see a therapist.... Will I be enlightened?

GB, given that you're still so upset a year and a half after breaking up, I would still recommend you see a good psychologist. If you do, it's best to spend some time obtaining a recommendation -- or doing some research -- in selecting one. As is true for all professions, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets and ability. I therefore am hopeful you live near a large city, such as Denver, where you would have many psychologists from whom to pick. If so, you could read online about them or call up one of your doctors for a recommendation.

 

Perhaps you know one of your old professors to ask at the university. If nothing else, you could call the psych department at the local university and ask to speak to the department head (or whomever is available) and ask for a recommendation -- people usually love to give recommendations because they know it helps both parties. Alternatively, you could call the psych unit at a large, local hospital and speak with the head nurse on duty -- nurses know a lot about the doctors/psychiatrists with whom they work.

 

My ex was a waif BPDer who seemed so sorry to break up with me, and seemed so needy to want me back. It was like my daughter getting mad at me, and I can't detach from a child.

Yes, as I've said in dozens of threads, one of the main reasons it is so painful to leave a BPDer is that you feel like you're abandoning a sick child. That's how it feels to walk away from an adult who has the emotional development of a four year old.

[elaine567]

Paragraph upon paragraph about HER behaviour. BUT the big concern for me here is not about your ex.

She is your EX.

 

My concern here is for you. This is now all about YOUR behaviour, you need to investigate why you are so obsessed by her.

[jt27]

Hey Bronco, sorry to hear you are little down. Fight through it!

 

It's selfish, but seeing her reaction to losing me is what I want. I mean, that's why she does it to me, right?

 

If you do this, you will be no better than she is. If she is in fact BDP than it won't matter anyway, right? She doesn't think like you. You have to remember that. She wont' have the same reaction as you if you rejected her (actually it will probably hurt her worse). Do you think somehow rejecting her will help you get over her faster? Trust me, it won't. It seems you want to control this situation. You can't. It's out of your control. She is out of your control now. You can't control the uncontrollable (i.e. another person). It seems you want revenge for what she did to you. I understand that but it isn't the answer.

 

If you are like me, you feel slighted. I accepted all sorts of ridiculous behavior and actions and was hoping for some kind of payoff in the end. Thinking if I accepted these things, it would show her how much I love her and that I would never leave her - that I could cure her need for reassurance. The reality is all that doesn't matter to her. It's a "what have you done for me lately" attitude. More, more, more. She didn't seem to have any lasting sense of appreciation.

 

I understand your frustration. Believe me, I do. I wanted the final say as well thinking she got the best of me and if I gave her a good "whats for" it will make me feel better. In the end it won't. It will actually negate all the healing I have accomplished thus far. You need to think of you right now buddy and doing this kind of thinking will only make matters worse. For a long time, I felt like my ex owed me something. She doesn't really. It's her life to do what she feels is right, even if that feeling changes with the wind and is against her own well being. Unfortunately, it is no longer our responsibility to help her.

 

I have spend hour upon hour wishing I could go back to the last time I saw her and her really let her have it. Tell her how much BS I had to put up with, how much I had to accept, list all the great things I did for her and generally make her feel like crap for deciding to leave me. But you know what? I'd probably reget being so mean to her. It's just not me and it isn't you either from what I read. I wouldn't want that guilt of making her feel worse than she already feels about herself deep down. Don't let her affect the kind of person you truly are.

 

For those of you who had BPD/other PD partners who permanently left you, how did you find a way to rebuild yourself after a lack of closure? I know most BPD relationships end without it, just like mine currently has. How did you survive?

 

Ultimately, the closure needs to come from within my friend. In the case of being with someone that has this condition, it takes a whole lot longer to find that closure. Like I said in a previous post - because there is no "real" or "normal" reason to end things, it's hard to point to one or two things and say "Ah ha!", that's the reason!" and move on. Because there really is no "reason" at all. Meaning, IT"S IN HER HEAD. It's not a "normal" relationship problem. It's more just accepting that she won't change and as much as you believe that you can help her (I believed that too), ultimately it is up to her to make herself better.

 

Time is the great healer and with the case of a BPDer, it takes even more time. You just have to concede to that. It will take a lot of time for all this to settle to the point that you accept it and are ready to move on. Hang in there.

 

 

I feel that you don't end things because someone is emotionally negative, or seemingly going through a tough time. You help them. You are there for them.

 

I feel the same way Bronco which is why you (and me) stayed with them for so long. The thing is, you were there for her and did try to help her. Many, many times. She has to want the help. She doesn't. After my ex left all I was saying to anyone that listened was "I just want to help her". You and me, we are helpers plus that's what we were used to while in the relationship. We put the needs of others before ourselves. It's a great quality to have but it can also get us in trouble when we help so much that we lose too much of ourselves in it and it is detrimental to our own mental well being - which this is. Don't forget, you have a daughter to think about. I don't want to tell you what to do as it isn't my place but think about her growing up in an environment with your ex...what kind of habits will she pick up from her?

 

For those of you who have, did you gain anything? Did hearing a doctor tell you some of the same things you read on this forum carry more weight for you? Will I be enlightened? Are there ways for me to work on myself with a counselor?

 

I would absolutely recommend seeing a therapist. It has helped me tremendously. Seeking an unbiased and professional opinion will give you much needed insight. I actually started going while in the relationship (to get a different perspective and prove to my ex it's ok to go - it didn't matter - she actually asked if I was going back, go figure) and started going on a regular basis after it ended. The last time I went (a couple weeks ago), I brought up NPD/BPD to my therapist (a psychologist) and he said he new early on that was the case but he didn't tell me. Why, you ask? Because we need to learn and discover this on our own. Going to the therapist helped me better put the puzzle pieces together. A therapist (in my experience) isn't going to tell you how to think, but they know the right questions to ask to help you figure it out on your own. When I told my therapist of my realization about my BPD ex, he responded by saying "I'm glad you came to this conclusion" like he was waiting for it or something. They try to help lead you down the right path that best helps heal you. It also helped me see my own failures and what I need to do fix my issues.

 

I realized that talking to anyone that listens helps greatly and a professional helps even more.

 

I want to get to a point where I don't care about my ex anymore, or what she is doing, or what she is up to, even if it's positive for her

 

I still care about my ex. I have accepted that for now. She will always have a special place in my heart but it isn't affecting what I do with my life. Though I still care about her, I am doing things that are in my best interest. I've gone back to school (to be a nurse, go figure! haha) and generally do things to shift my focus away from her. I still think about her pretty much every day but it doesn't slow me down. Perhaps it's the just memory of her replaying in my head. Eventually I will get to a point where I no longer think of her, therefore I will no longer care about her. So will you. A new woman might help

 

You seem to be where I was months ago - still trying to make sense of it all. Hard to make sense out of the nonsensical, huh? People here will tell you "move on", "worry about yourself", "you're better off" and they're right but those words aren't really registering quite yet. Time my friend. You need time and definitely see a counselor. You can look them up online, that's what I did. I found one that specializes in relationships. One of the best decisions I ever made.

 

I look at iall this as we are withdrawling from a drug. We were addicted to our exes. All those times we went back to our ex was to get another fix even though it was against our best interest to do so. OUr exes are still in our "system". Think of this process of time, seeing a counselor, writing on Loveshack, working on our own issuse, etc as us detoxing ourselves off our exes. We have to clean our system out of our exes. It helps me to think that way.

 

There is a huge part of me that wished I had ended it at one of the many red flags she waved but I wouldn't have learned the valuable lesson I have now gained because of it. It helps me to put a positive spin on all this turmoil.

 

Any advice you need Bronco, I will gladly do my best to help you. Keep your head up!

[irishguy]

You need to stop waiting for her to come back .She sounds so horrible , no wonder your head is wrecked .Seriously you need to concentrate on moving on , maybe talk to someone if it will help you move on .Tell your friends your not with her anymore so you dont want to know anything about her .You have a daughter to look after so do that by looking after yourself first .

[GoBroncs1983]

Thank you all.

 

Again, I know I've talked about her behavior too much. The title of this thread is still true. She was the one pushing and pulling, I was the constant one wanting it to last forever. I think it's only natural for me to want answers before I would want to look at myself. I need to stop looking for them, obviously.

 

My employer has free behavioral health consultations via a phone number, also with referral services. Confidential. Is that a good place to start? I want to pick the right therapist, not just a therapist.

 

Should I bring up BPD, or let them make that declaration? I certainly don't want to go to my first appointment with a "I've done a lot of research on my own, and....." attitude, but at the same time I don't want to waste session time coming to what may be an obvious conclusion.

 

My focus now is getting to a point where I detach myself from her, and truly look at her as having and emotional disorder. I want to truly feel that there was nothing I could do, and that she didn't leave me for a dumb security guard.

 

Thanks.

[jt27]

The consultation sounds like a great place to start. Go for it.

 

I can only speak from my experience but I don't see why it would be such a bad thing to bring up BPD to the therapist. It's why you are going, right? To get things off your chest, to help get to a point where you can accept it all and come to your own conclusion. He/she will help you get to that point.

 

My advice would be to open and honest on all your thoughts. Talk about whatever it is you want to talk about. The therapist will know what questions to ask depending on what you say.

 

Honestly, I do think you now see her as having severe emotional issues. It's pretty obvious. The hard part is accepting all that comes along with that especially accepting that she will never change and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

As much as knowing about the security guard hurts, it has nothing to do with you. I think you know that.

[seminoles84]

Thank you all.

 

 

 

My employer has free behavioral health consultations via a phone number, also with referral services. Confidential. Is that a good place to start? I want to pick the right therapist, not just a therapist.

 

 

Yes do this. I did this and they recommended a therapist in our area. My employer paid for 15 or so visit then it resets every year.

[GoBroncs1983]

As much as knowing about the security guard hurts, it has nothing to do with you. I think you know that.

 

I want to speak to this, as it's what I'm currently feeling:

 

I'm upset that it's someone she previously (and I believe at the time, honestly) devalued and said wasn't a threat. She said she would "never ever" be into him and he was the opposite of what she looks for. While she has made some obvious changes over the years, her social beliefs and feelings toward people haven't. I cannot fathom how she can feel happy with him given all the faults she pointed out.

 

I want to see that relationship fail. I don't care if I ever hear from her again, I want to know it didn't work out with him, one way or the other.

 

It frustrates me that she has so much seemingly positive things going on for her now. She was promoted at work (this would have been great three months ago). She has a circle of friends that she regularly hangs out with. He is one of them, and everyone is oh so happy. I know I should be happy that she is experiencing happiness in several areas right now, but selfishly, I'm mad it's not with me in the picture. I don't think her employer said "Okay, she broke up with him, time to promote her!" but it's just at the absolute wrong time for me, emotionally.

 

I need to realize that because I'm not talking to her every day, I'm not hearing the negatives. I need to realize that they didn't just disappear, not after five years of hearing them, not after a lifetime of unhappiness. I need to remember that these positive times only last for so long for her. It's immature, I know.

 

I want her to experience a failure, because that's what she gave me. That is how I feel right now.

 

I will be calling the behavioral health line today, and will report back my progress.

 

EDIT: I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will leave with some understanding.

Edited March 16, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[jt27]

I cannot fathom how she can feel happy with him given all the faults she pointed out...I want to see that relationship fail. I don't care if I ever hear from her again, I want to know it didn't work out with him, one way or the other.

 

It will fail, no doubt. Again it's not of your concern though.

 

When my ex left me, it was right as she got a new job (a job I was instrumental in her obtaining). A job where she would be surrounded by police officers and I KNOW she will go for one of them being the new, young and attractive girl. She will fall for their macho, cocky BS and ultimately get used by one of them. I know she will end up getting hurt by one of them and I used to take comfort in knowing that. Every cop I have talked to "she'll get chewed up and spit out". I used to think "serves her right". But it didn't serve me right and that's what matters. It won't serve her right either, it will just exacerbate her issues.

 

Holding on to things that are out of my control just held me back just like it's doing with you. Knowing that not only will a new guy not treat her like I did, but not even close to me gives me a sense of pride not failure...not anymore. I did my best with what I had for her and it wasn't good enough FOR HER. Nothing will be, just like your ex from the sound of it.

 

You really think she won't end up tearing this new guy apart? C'mon, get real. He's just the flavor of the month.

 

but selfishly, I'm mad it's not with me in the picture

 

Again, looks like you feel slighted...and you were in a way. It's seems as though you think someone else is reaping the harvest of all your efforts. That you put in all the work and this new guy is benefiting from it. Nah, her demons will show up and sabotage the relationship for sure. It's just temporary. He will feel her wrath eventually.

 

She devalued him to you just like she probably is devaluing you to him now. Remember this is normal if she is indeed BPD. My ex did the same kinds of things. She would talk about how she didn't like certain people then she would go to happy hour with them then make fun of them afterwards to me. If she is truly as you describe, she will turn her back on them too when it suits her. She is most likely using this guy and whoever these "friends" are.

 

She isn't automatically going to be a different person now that you aren't around. Try to remember that. It's something I had a hard time with too - that my ex is now going to find someone and ride off into the sunset and be uber happy. Not gonna happen. How can you ultimately be happy if you are always the victim?

 

Hang in there buddy and good luck with your appointment.

[GoBroncs1983]

She isn't automatically going to be a different person now that you aren't around. Try to remember that.

 

jt27, I can't tell you how much that sentence (and your post) helped me. That has been the biggest thing I've been struggling with - that she's going to have exactly the life she wanted with this new guy. But a BPDer lives in chaos, so even if he does EXACTLY what she wants EVERY time, she will still find faults. I've been racking my brain thinking why she considers Forrest Gump to be worthy of a relationship, and it hit me - when she would talk to me about us having "different goals" it was exactly that. She can't achieve exactly what SHE wants with me, so she has found someone who can. She'll get her cute one bedroom downtown loft with her boyfriend, she'll get to go to all of the restaurants, as long as he's a good boy. Now, if he starts offering his own opinion, look out.

 

My appointment went well today. With all due respect to everyone here, it was good to hear a professional tell me that something is definitely wrong. She agreed my ex shows strong BPD characteristics, and likened it to a cigarette smoker being addicted to nicotine to simulate their mind - except my ex is addicted to chaos to stimulate hers. She said "she will be that way for the rest of her life without proper therapy." I know that's old news in this thread, but it felt good to hear. She also said, "I would safely say there is a 100% chance you will hear from her again, and she will make some grand gesture to pull you back in. Your best move is to not respond."

 

Yup. Now, onto me:

 

I am struggling not with missing her, but missing the companionship we had. I actually dreaded going to her apartment most of the time, because she commanded so much attention. Lots of times I would just want to stay home. I DO miss talking to someone every day. We would text ALL day about EVERYTHING in our lives. I was her sounding board, and she became mine. I still instinctively check my phone for texts.

 

Because of that constant connection, I would worry or become anxious if I didn't hear from her. That would lead to obsessively checking her Facebook for any sign of life. She told me everything - what she had for breakfast, how the drive to work was, EVERYTHING. I NEEDED that contact. That is what I'm struggling with now. Not having that. I need to fill that void.

 

I also need to create boundaries and respect them. My ex after each breakup would tell me "we need time apart before we can be friends." I heard that as "chase after me" and would text her after a few days and get a response, and on we would go. Maybe I kept a toxic relationship from ending, many times. But I'm impatient. I would think each time that "no, she has needed me for all these years, she still needs me now!" and reach out. But hey, she would respond. I need to realize that she needed time. But I'm feeling right now that she will get that time and decide she just wants to be with the new guy. And that feeling of not wanting me anymore is the most devastating thing.

 

I know that's not healthy. Neither is continuing to hope that she's doing the same with me, even though she has someone new. Maybe that's why she still became so upset when I started dating someone back when I started this thread. I need to stop wondering that, because I can't want communication from her.

 

My therapist said I still have a lot of intensity about all of this. Each of my posts here is novel length, so I would agree with that. I'm trying to get to a point where I can disconnect from all of this and fill the void in my life with other things. And if someday I meet another girl, I don't want to have that intensity anymore.

 

I've thought about it a lot - before I met her, I had been single for almost four years, after breaking it off with the mother of my daughter. And while I wanted someone, I didn't NEED someone. I'm an only child, and thus quite self centered in a lot of ways. I have always been able to entertain myself. Then my ex came along, and drew me in, and a relationship became the most important thing in my life. I was doing fine before her, and I hope to someday be fine after her.

 

I made another appointment for next week. More me, less her.

[Acacia98]

I'm glad you've reached out to someone, GoBroncs1983. You've already come a long way. Kudos to you for that. I wish you the best with counseling.

[jt27]

Hey Bronco, glad that my words can help. It helps me also to know that my experiences can help others get through their own tough times (I still have my own too). It's nice to give back.

 

I'm also glad to hear your appointment went well. A little different when you hear it from a professional, huh? Hits a little harder. I remember after my ex called me a manipulator (after it ended), I went to my therapist and said "do you think she is just projecting herself onto me?". He literally laughed and said "of course she is!".

 

She can't achieve exactly what SHE wants with me, so she has found someone who can.

 

For now. Your ex may think she found someone where she can get what she wants but in reality, she really has no idea what she wants. As you know, what she feels and what she wants changes with the wind and when she decides Forrest isn't what she wants anymore, she'll begin to sabotage the relationship. This is why you cannot win...you give her everything she wants, she feels smothered and if you deny her, you set off her fear of abandonment. No escaping the resentment.

 

You ex is most likely just idealizing Forrest. My ex was the same even with jobs. I met her at work and while there she jumped from position to position. Not because she was trying to climb the ladder (she has since left as I mentioned previously), it's because she idealized these different positions. "I really want it! It's what I want!". Then once she got those positions "I hate this job" "I don't want it anymore"...after every one. She would build them up in her mind to something they weren't then begin to resent them. See the correlation here? Same thing with relationships. Always the victim then on to the next shiney object like a child that gets tired of a new toy. Whether it's relationships, jobs, clothes, etc...it doesn't matter. This is what they are - insatiable.

 

"I would safely say there is a 100% chance you will hear from her again, and she will make some grand gesture to pull you back in. Your best move is to not respond."

 

3 months after my and I split, she sent me a picture of me. Why not just throw it away? I know know she was most likely just trying to pull me back and stupidly, I reached out. It set me back big time as it just made things worse. I agree with your therapist, do not respond.

 

And that feeling of not wanting me anymore is the most devastating thing.

 

Ask yourself this...is/was it about her wanting you or wanting what you can give her? I think you know the answer.

 

I hope me sharing my experiences helps you relate and realize that these people are out there but I also hope it helps you move on because there is nothing we can do about it - BPD or not. We can't really reason their behavior away, we can only accept them for what they are - broken and/or unstable.

 

Knowing what I know now about my ex, I do believe that I could handle my ex better now but do I really want to have to "handle" my partner? Time to put your happiness first my friend. Think about it, will you be able to achieve as much with her as without her? Our exes require so much attention and energy that we have to sacrifice so much - too much. I am back in school and know I could never do it while with my ex. It would take away too much from her "needs" or what she "wants".

 

Like your therapist said, she will be like this the rest of her life without extensive therapy and it's incredibly unlikely she will agree to it or that it will actually work. It's the sad reality that needs to be accepted.

 

I hope you made another appointment with your therapist. You're doing the right things.

 

I hope to someday be fine after her.

 

You will be. Believe that.