Explain my Ex's Behavior...just want to understand

[GoBroncs1983]

jt27, as always, your input has been calming. I'll just say hearing that my ex is who she is with is akin to finding out she is now a heroin addict. It just goes against her core values and beliefs. I know, BPD and all, but the one constant was her view of certain people and cultures. It's like she joined the dark side.

 

Your ex may think she found someone where she can get what she wants but in reality, she really has no idea what she wants.

 

I heard her say "I don't know what I want" so many damn times. I will say this, though - she has set up a nice support work ecosystem to sustain this relationship. I'm not trying to be Donnie Downer here, but I can really see them moving in together within the next six months. Part of me thinks she rebounded with him for that very reason. She's still living with her mom, hates it, and wants a downtown loft. They're both part of the same work group, hang out together, and I know that's where this relationship started. By moping over their beers, and finding comfort in each other. Remember, his marriage just recently ended.

 

And now she's posting photos of the two of them on Facebook (she usually does that if she considers it "serious") and all those co-workers are liking and commenting. And enabling. I can see it lasting a while. There will be turmoil, but it will last. Unless this guy doesn't tolerate it. But with a BPDer, she is making him feel like he won the lottery. And if she decides she doesn't want to be with him, she may stay with him simply to save the messiness of a workplace breakup. But given her choices, I have no idea, really.

 

I agree with the idealization and infatuation. If it was just mainly the two of them, I would bet on it ending soon. But with the co-workers validating all of it, I can see it going further, that's all.

 

 

Knowing what I know now about my ex, I do believe that I could handle my ex better now but do I really want to have to "handle" my partner?

 

That is what keeps me from wanting her back. I don't miss her, I miss the companionship and relationship I had with someone. I can remember sighing every time she would ask to hang out, because she commanded so much attention. The last month we were together, it was literally her ranting about her life for 95% of the conversation. She almost never asked how I was doing. I thought, "Is this really a relationship?"

 

As I have said, the only thing I want to happen now is for her to attempt to reach out to me, to validate that she isn't happy with this guy and simply misses me. And then I can say goodbye and move on with my life. The image she is currently putting out that she is happy and content drives me nuts. I know that's not the case! But I will NOT contact her. It has been over a month since we last spoke, and basically two months since we were regularly talking. It has never lasted this long. Having that friend support system helps her not think about me, I think.

 

Several of my friends (I ended up publicly acknowledging the breakup on Facebook since she was posting photos of the two of them left and right) told me they had no idea our relationship was so troubled, since I never talked about it. It bugs me that people see her as this responsible person. No, I'm not going to drag her through the mud, but it just sucks, you know?

 

You ex is most likely just idealizing Forrest. My ex was the same even with jobs.

 

Same here. She would get a new job and of course be excited over it. Within DAYS, she would have 95% complaints about her day. She recently received a promotion at her current job, and her Facebook status mentioned it, then said, "That'll look great on my resume" meaning she's still thinking about the NEXT opportunity. She always said she wanted a better job, a promotion, and especially more money. Money money money. But as long as I've known her, she always had $20 at the end of each paycheck. She'll still spend that extra dough. It was the same with living arrangements - our apartment, her apartment at college. She has moved (divorced parents) over a dozen times in her life. I think she's used to change.

 

I hope you made another appointment with your therapist. You're doing the right things.

 

Absolutely. Next Monday I go back. We ran over time I talked so much at my first one, ha. She told me we will work on setting boundaries and also respecting the ones of others, even my ex. When she says "we cannot be friends right now and need time apart" I need to give her that time. And with others in my life. I am too impatient and intense. I'm an only child and I'm not used to sharing. Now, I'm not a brat or anything, but that is how I've always approached an issue - how can it be solved, and how fast can I solve it? I guess that's why I'm struggling with my ex right now. I want to get past that.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

[jt27]

Hey Bronco. Glad my advice helps and you can benefit from the misery I endured haha. The operative word there is "endured". You need to endure this.

 

I would definitely advise you to get off Facebook. Social media has to be one of the worse things for a broken heart. It just perpetuates the hurt and will constantly stall your healing. Why keep reminding yourself of someone you say you no longer miss? By reading up on her, you'll keep making up these stories in your head about them moving in together and being happy, blah blah blah. You have a choice here Bronco, remember that. You are only a month removed from contact so you still need time and space. That includes no Facebook.

 

I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. It's hard to detach yourself from her. I went to my ex's house a month after she left to propose. Yeah, that's how messed up my head was. But after she wouldn't even answer the door, I never reached out again (except for responding to the pic she sent). Addiction.

 

Your therapist is right about setting boundaries and respecting others (something I had to do as well) but it's hard when you are so used to the whole break up/make up dynamic. It puts you in an even stronger state of denial that makes you think this is all just temporary and you'll get back together again eventually. It's why you need time and NC to let the fog lift.

 

She almost never asked how I was doing. I thought, "Is this really a relationship?"

 

Same here buddy. Because, again, it's all about them. It's all about what you can provide to them. It's not about you or what you want, it's about them using you for what they "need" or "want". There is a reason why people like this go from relationship to relationship. It's not healthy and is a definite sign of insecurity and selfishness.

 

My ex said to me she was "upset" because nobody is ever home when she gets home - "there's nobody there to ask me how my day was" (can't self soothe). I would often think that she would ask me how my day was just so I would say it back so she could unload on me. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be the one she could rely on for that kind of thing, but I feel like she didn't really care about how my day went - that she was just trying to illicit a response. She rarely asked me questions that concerned me. She would however, consistently ask me questions regarding herself. Again, it's because it was all about her. You're right, that's no kind of relationship...it's totally one-sided and we deserve better.

 

I can see it going further, that's all.

 

Even if it does go a little further, it will end eventually and if by some miracle it doesn't, what difference does it make if you don't want her back?...or do you? If you don't want her back, what real difference would it make in your life if they worked out?

 

the only thing I want to happen now is for her to attempt to reach out to me, to validate that she isn't happy with this guy and simply misses me.

 

I wanted that too. I wanted that validation that I had some positive effect on my ex's life but you know what? I do know I had a positive effect on her life. I do know I made her a better person. It's what you feel about yourself Bronco that matters, not what some "crazy" girl that drove you nuts thinks about you. You don't need validation from someone that jumped right back into another relationship right after you - what kind of validation would that provide anyway? Even if she reached out and told you these things, do you think she actually meant it? I am inclined to think no, you wouldn't - so what difference would it make?

 

I think she's used to change.

 

...or dysfunction...or chaos. I often thought about my ex and how she thought and something that came to mind was "things are too good or too normal, something isn't right". That's how I think she often looked at things - always waiting for the other shoe to drop - i.e. trust/pessimism. Could also feed into their fear of abandonment/engulfment which is why the more I did, the worse it got. Just waiting and waiting for something "bad" to happen and the better it got the worse the letdown would be. This is why a big part of me also thinks my ex ended it before she thought I would. Dysfunction to the dysfunctional is comfortable.

 

I want to get past that.

 

You will eventually. It will just take time along with taking the proper steps. It needs to become about you now and not about what she is doing with her life.

 

I am the type that always needs to know "why". Why did she leave? Why did she act the way she did? Why, why, why. Because of this, it took me a long time to recover especially considering she is emotionally unstable. But, it's who I am and now have my conclusion - that it isn't about wanting to be with my ex, it's knowing I cannot be with her...and accepting that. It will never be close to an equal partnership - I think you can say the same.

 

A couple things that helped me along the way are the gym, and other women. I highly recommend joining a gym if aren't already. As for women, I don't mean another relationship. You obviously aren't at that point yet but interacting with other women really helped me. It will help you see that there are other women out there that are "normal" and that you deserve that.

 

There are a lot of similarities between your ex and mine which is why I want to share them so you can relate but all the advice in the world isn't going to matter right now Bronco, unless you take the control to do what is best for you. Remember, the only thing can contol is yourself. Therapy is great way to help. It's been almost a year for me and I am still going.

 

Keep on keepin' on.

[GoBroncs1983]

Last night, another friend reached out to me about her Facebook.

 

Before I'm bombarded with "stay away!" messages, let me just say, it made me feel a bit better about the situation.

 

Her exchanges with the new guy on there are all jokes and juvenile comments. Just like he is. They are going to a bunch of different places, shows, etc. All of them fit what she would want to do. This all started on there about two weeks ago, according to my friend. I am shocked to see her behaving this way. It fits directly in with the BPD mirroring that you all have talked about. She was always sarcastic and silly with me, but it's like she has regressed with this guy - because that's how he is. Silly innuendos about sex, etc - she has always presented herself in this mature manner, and it looks like two teenagers on there now.

 

I knew he was an idiot, but I didn't expect her to be an idiot back. It just shows how she really feels about herself if she can morph into a female version of him. There were no serious comments full of love and affection. Not to say that isn't happening, but she usually will post a big flowing status about being happy if she does.

 

It's like she is escaping with this guy. Always going places, nowhere where it's the two of them in an apartment or something, watching TV. It seems more like having fun than a relationship. Definitely infatuation.

 

I have a better understanding now of the situation. If there had been a bunch of posts about being so happy and whatnot, I would have been crushed. Now, I just laugh at how she has lowered herself to his level. Of course, when they break up, she will be the mature responsible one. And if this guy was married just two months ago, then he probably is being jokey and not serious on purpose. But who the hell knows. I also think sex is the reason he is going these places with her - he knows how the night will end if he does.

 

I just wanted to mention that. It actually helped me to hear that was what was going on. My friend said if they hadn't posted a photo together, he would have thought they were two friends.

 

I know it isn't correct for me to learn that, but if that is how she wants to behave, if that's who she wants to spend time with, if that's how she wants to talk, then that's a terrible relationship. She WILL have a down moment at some point. I would love to see Jokey McJokester try and diffuse THAT.

[GoBroncs1983]

I had my second therapy appointment today. The therapist said I'm suffering from extreme anxiety as well as depression, and she feels both are related to the recent events with my ex, not a long standing imbalance. She also would like me to get tested for ADHD and other disorders, which I'm actually quite interested to undertake. I need to find out, insurance wise, how much all of this will cost, but finding a balance for myself is something I have never really done. I wish my ex would do the same thing.

 

We talked at length about her, and my frustration at who she is seeing. I was told it is definitely unhealthy that I care so much, and I explained that while she has been unstable in a lot of areas, she has always had the same core beliefs and values. And now, she is with someone who goes against most of that. I don't look at it as me vs. him, but more her vs. herself. My therapist said a BPDer is "addicted to chaos" and must have or create it to feel "normal." I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she started to devalue me after we came back from New York.

 

The above post about her recent behavior is still sticking with me, how she can be so different around him, after five years of being a constant, yet emotionally troubled person. I have never seen her act out so much. One of my friends said she seems to be about the experiences as a way to mask any hurt she is going through. Her mother does the same thing - breaks up with safety net boyfriend, then spends a few weeks going out every night, usually with a new guy. Then she recycles the old boyfriend back in.

 

At least I could understand the other guys she dated. This is very unlike her. She might as well post a photo of herself smoking crack. It's like seeing the Pope yelling "Hail Satan!" How many more metaphors can I say?

 

My therapist promised to dive deeper into my history with other relationships, which I'm interested in discussing. I can remember trying to calm my upset mother (child of an alcoholic) as a kid, which probably set me up for my codependent nature. I can remember having a best friend in high school, every summer we would spend EVERY day together, but during the school year, he hung out with other people. It was the weirdest thing. I graduated a year before him, and when he went back for his senior year, that was the end of the friendship. Cold turkey. I was flabbergasted as to how he could switch me off like that. I guess I'm going through that with my ex now, although a relationship is different than a friendship. That lack of closure kills me, and I know with a BPDer it's common to never have it.

[BC1980]

You really need to focus on yourself because you will never understand her. Plus, all the time you spend analyzing her keeps you emotionally attached to her. It keeps you mired in her dysfunction. Meanwhile, you don't have the time to move forward or work on yourself. You said you're codependent? So you're a sitting duck for someone like her and the next one to come along. Time to focus on changing that.

 

As dysfunctional as she is, you are right there with her if you persisted in the relationship. Be thankful that you recognize it and have the chance to work on it.

[GoBroncs1983]

Believe me, it's going to be a long time before I date again. I'm not going to be like her and go try and find some girl to fill a void. That's not dealing with my problems. I did that in 2013 because it felt good to keep that companionship, and it was the wrong person. I knew that only after a few weeks. Maybe she will too, but I'm not going to make that mistake again.

[SoThatHappened]

My therapist said a BPDer is "addicted to chaos" and must have or create it to feel "normal."

THIS was my ex as well. Was catatonic if everything was peaceful. Sometimes she tried to create drama.

 

Hasta la vista. Holy crap life is so much better without that. You'll get there as well.

 

Keep focusing on yourself. You, and you alone, are the only thing you can control.

[jt27]

My therapist said a BPDer is "addicted to chaos" and must have or create it to feel "normal

 

Like I said in my previous post. When things are "normal", people like your ex and mine and sothathappened's and downtown's ex, etc think something isn't right so they create drama to fuel and perpetuate the "chaos" that is going on in their own mind. It's what they are used to and for them to feel "normal" they need that dysfunction. They find comfort in it. That's why their episodes normally come after something good (good according to us) happens. Do want to always think that after you do something or share something nice for/with your partner that it will just lead to her acting out instead of you/it being appreciated? Screw that man. I want someone that appreciates me.

 

I remember my ex saying "I can't handle the dysfunction" out of nowhere. I thought to myself "what dysfunction?" and asked why she feels that way. Of course it's "I don't know". That's the disconnect - dysfunction to them is normalcy. Things were going smoothly and my ex thought that was "dysfunctional" so she created drama out of thin air to make it seem "normal" to her. It's what they identify with. In a twisted and distorted way, it seems that what we think is normal or good (drama free) is boring to them. That's no way to live Bronco. How can you ever be happy surrounded by such negativity and consistent drama?

 

I know it's hard to let go. Once you actually let go, then that's it. It's over. You're giving up on that last shred of hope and really need to face the truth - that it wasn't meant to last.

 

That is something you need to accept - that women like your ex and mine aren't meant to last. They are incapable of it. Remember, they are always the victim so something bad will inevitably happen to them and that includes you. They carry around a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Fear and doubt dictate their actions and you will always either be the temporary relief of their pain or the all-encompassing cause of it. They don't think "good" can last because good ultimately leads to "bad". It's a cycle you will forever be caught in. You want to ride that roller coaster the rest of your life?

 

You cannot figure her out. You can realize how she works but you cannot truly figure out why she thinks the way she does because she is broken/unstable. Something or things happened and/or were inherited that we will will never find out about. She did a number on you just like my ex did. It's human nature to try to find out "why" but eventually you need to come to a conclusion, accept it, learn from it, and move on.

 

I have codependent tendencies just like you and some will always be there. It's part of me and quite frankly, I like me but boundaries need to be established for my own good to prevent that codependency from getting me in trouble. Just like you. You think keeping tabs on your ex's activity is pushing your boundaries?

 

Trying to understand why someone like your ex is the way is - it's the epitome of an exercise in futility and will drive you insane. Only she really knows, which is why only she can fix herself. Is that what you want? To think like a mentally unstable person? You have to be mentally/emotionally unstable yourself to think like her. I choose healthy mental well-being with more peace of mind. Don't you?

 

Ask yourself the tough questions and answer them truthfully and you will see you are better off without your ex in your life and happier she no longer brings you down with her.

 

Remember, you have control over your own happiness and have a choice to eliminate the things that make your life worse. The only thing holding you back is you

[GoBroncs1983]

I have come to the realization that I would never be able to "fix" her, believe me.

 

I DO NOT want her back as a girlfriend. Absolutely not. Even if I did, it would make me look like an idiot after she posted photos with the new guy on Facebook, AND after I posted myself (she and I are not "friends" on there) about how she has broken up with me seven times. I got many, many messages of support from friends over that, by the way. I've jokingly said, "If any of you ever see her check in somewhere on Facebook and I'm with her, race to said location and kidnap me."

 

I see her basically doing the same things with him that she did with me. This goes back to page one of this thread, where Downtown said:

"If she is a BPDer, she likely loved you in the same immature way that a four year old is able to love. What she desires the most, however, is the relationship you had with her. Significantly, numerous men are able to provide that same relationship. That is, BPDers generally desire the R/S more than they do the personality features of the person they are in love with.

 

The reason is that they have such a weak, fragile sense of who they are that they desire to be in a R/S with a person having a strong personality -- who will ground them and center them, keeping them from shooting off in all directions. If you find this hard to believe, consider how intolerant she was of your personal characteristics. She was always trying to control you and change you. She found you acceptable to be around only as long as you were behaving as she expected -- i.e., were walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger.

 

.....She likely loved the role you played far more than the "real you," which is why you rarely were "yourself" when around her. Significantly, another guy can play that role if he is willing to walk on eggshells like you did."

 

I suppose I should feel flattered that I have been replaced with a carbon copy version of myself, except with significantly less intellect. I know this, because my ex told me daily what stupid thing he had said or done that day at work. I'm sure they don't talk about his lack of culture, or his religious or political beliefs, or the other things my ex devalued him over. I'm sure he has been given directions on what to talk and not talk about with her. And I know I'm naive to think that eventually, those personal characteristics won't eventually become issues in the relationship when my ex is ready to make them issues. But I sure wish her idealization would evaporate.

 

She didn't choose him over me. We had barely spoken for a month before she ended the relationship, and frankly, it ended when we went to barely speaking, after a night out where we argued after a movie. But I persisted, even though she was in devaluing mode. I should have walked away before she did.

 

She's spending her time with this guy, he's staying over, he's doing the things I did. Her behavior is juvenile and dumbed down around him, but she is essentially maintaining the same thing she has had for five years. Sure, they had that weekend on the town + hotel (which she regularly asked me to do with her, but I would refuse due to the expense - of course he didn't) but she isn't doing anything extraordinary. She's maintaining that feeling. That says it's more about her than it is about me. She knew she couldn't fool me anymore - that I knew her better than anyone else, and it scared her to death. So she found someone who could play my role, and not question her.

 

I haven't attempted contact in over a month, and I won't. It's not like I've been begging her to talk to me, and she has ignored me and still gravitated toward this guy. She ended the relationship, I went NC after two texts went unanswered, her birthday passed (NC from me) and I think she accepted and started looking for the next guy. It's not because I was a bad boyfriend, it's that I wasn't present in her life anymore and she couldn't be alone. And now she has found someone to step into the role - almost like this is "season 6" of her life, and my part has been recast.

 

Yesterday on Facebook, a mutual friend posted something and tagged me, so my name was visible in the post. My ex commented on it - about the subject he was posting about, not me directly. ("Lovely!") I know she saw my name, but she still commented. For her to even come THAT close to acknowledging me during such a period of dissociation is a pretty big deal. Sure, it's 231 steps away from actually talking to me, but believe me, I was surprised when I saw her name pop up in my notifications.

 

I wonder if she is waiting for me to attempt to reach out. No, I'm not going to, despite the itch to do so. As much has she has kept her life from me (everything I know about her in the last month has been through mutual friends) I have also done the same to her. At the time of each breakup, including this last one, she would say "You will eventually get a new girlfriend and forget about me" completely serious. Perhaps she thinks that has happened? I have never gone this long with NC with her - believe me, I'm proud of myself - and I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that she grabbed the security guard she had previously devalued and now him on her pedestal.

 

I found out through a friend that a few days before the breakup in February, she went to go see the movie "50 Shades of Grey" with some female friends from work on a girl's night out. She told me she was going out with them, and mentioned dinner, drinks, but not the movie. She apparently posted about it several times on Facebook. I have no earthly idea why she hid it from me. We both are film snobs and as such devalued that stupid movie, but she posted that she hated it and obviously went as a joke with her friends. She was that hesitant to share her life with me at the end of our relationship. I wouldn't have cared. But she knew I would have given her crap about it, and so she kept it from me. It's like she projected and found a way to be scared of me at the end, and she created it out of thin air.

 

As I've said in almost every post for the last two weeks, seeing her experience chaos/devaluing/the end of her current relationship would improve me 150%. Right now, it feels like she has simply found someone to take my place in the role of the boyfriend. I sometimes think "is it THAT easy? Can she simply slot another guy into where I was? Her bed, her activities, her life? Does she turn over in bed and get the same feeling looking at him?"

 

I know he isn't and can never treat her as well as I did. He doesn't care about her like I did. She isn't having the constructive feedback and conversations she had with me. This guy is still an idiot, regardless of if she has pushed all of that to the side for the sake of idealization. It's like she traded in her brand new car for a 1989 model with 345,000 miles. Yeah, it'll still work for her, but not as well as I did.

 

I realize that I am better than him in every possible way. I just want to hear her say that, or say she still loves me or misses me. Right now, she's carrying on like her life is just dandy. I know I cannot trust simply what she posts on social media, because for five years, our mutual friends didn't see what I was experiencing. But as she required for 5 years, I need a little validation that she still thinks of me, especially when she is with him. Then I can be done with her. Honest to god, I can be done with her. Unlike when I started this thread, I do NOT want her back.

 

Sorry for another post about her, but that's what I'm feeling at this moment. For what it's worth, I'm going out with a friend on Friday. A female friend that I had to set aside due to my ex's jealousy. No, I'm not hoping it gets back to my ex. I'm doing it for me. I'm forging ahead with friendships I couldn't have. And maybe it will lead to something more. But really, I'm just glad I get to see her again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey OP, glad to hear you're doing better. My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD, and it was one of the most difficult chapters of my life. The emotional terrorism vetted out by him dramatically changed me and my perspective on relationships. We split up more than a year ago, but I'm still working on healing. I understand very well the pain you are feeling.

 

The best thing I ever did was go completely no contact. We are not friends on any social media. We have absolutely no contact with each other. We have a small handful of mutual friends, but I have made it very clear I do not wish to discuss my ex in any capacity.You need to do the same. She still has too much presence in your life. Don't even allow the possibility of seeing her name pop up in notifications. Perhaps seems extreme, but believe me, it's the only way you'll truly move on. Hang in there, i know how difficult it is.

[Downtown]

And now she has found someone to step into the role - ...and my part has been recast.

GB, as I discussed earlier (post 64), a BPDer's ego is so weak and unstable that, to the extent she has any self image AT ALL, it is the false self image of always being "The Victim." She therefore keeps a death grip on that self image and tries to validate it often. This means her partner is allowed to play only one of two roles, both of which serve to "validate" her false self image.

 

One of these roles, which you played all the time during the infatuation period, was that of "The Rescuer." When you played that role, the clear implication is that she MUST be "The Victim" or you wouldn't be making such a fuss over saving her from something (i.e., from unhappiness). The other role, of course, is that of "The Perpetrator," wherein she blames you for every misfortune to befall her. As long as you are "The Perpetrator," she must be "The Victim" because you are frequently "victimizing" her. When you stop playing this role, you will be replaced by someone who will -- i.e., your part will be "recast" as you say.

[GoBroncs1983]

What causes such an infatuation period? I guess every relationship has a "honeymoon" phase, but why is it usually 3-6 months? She is presenting herself as happier than ever, busier than ever, having a great time, and the only change she has made in her life was replacing me with him. I so desperately want the devaluation phase to begin, but she's taking him out with her family, acting all cozy. How can a BPDer so intensely jump into a relationship like that? And what causes the infatuation to fade? Just time? I can't imagine she has forgotten that he was married just a month ago, or all of the qualities she complained about. He's probably over the moon that a female is so interested in him fresh out of a marriage. Isn't this relationship bad for HIM, too, any BPD issues aside?

 

With the guy in 2013 when I started this thread, my ex would go NC with me, but after I would reach out, she would admit that she didn't know if he was truly into her. "This could just be a semester fling - he has trouble saying he loves someone." Funny thing was, the guy DID say he loved her (as much as she said he wouldn't) a couple of weeks later, and wouldn't you know it, my ex suddenly wasn't that into him anymore and broke up with him a couple of weeks later. Now, she had been triangulating me for a while and I was back in the picture by that point (he never knew) but it was so interesting to see her essentially be more interested in the chase than the catch. "If he doesn't tell me he loves me by the end of the semester, I'm out!" **He tells her a week later** "I don't know, something changed. I feel like he's much more into it than I am now!" Engulfment fear? That whole episode was three months.

 

I am simply dumbfounded how so seemingly cleanly she has replaced me with another guy, and picked up right where we left off, and shows no desire to even speak to me. Although she said at the end that after "time apart" she hoped we could be friends again.

 

My therapist said something interesting this week: that she and I had more of a parent/child relationship than boyfriend/girlfriend. She asked me, "did her father die or does she have a bad relationship with him?" I said she hadn't spoken to her father in 8 years.

 

She pointed at me and said "Yep, you filled the void left by her father, in addition to being a boyfriend somewhere in there. Why does she not talk to her dad?"

 

"Well, she said he would bring women home and flaunt them in front of her."

 

"That made her feel abandoned. She will look for and fear that disappointment in every relationship with a man without proper therapy."

 

It's odd how much I can recall having to hold her in bed, give her back and foot rubs, physically soothe her. How she couldn't go to bed without me in there to hold her - I had to do that even if I was staying up. I would instinctively place my hand on her leg in the car. It's like I was nurturing a child. Yes, a 5-year-old child, emotionally.

 

Man, I really want this new me to start seeing and feeling what I felt. Hurry up infatuation period! End!

[SoThatHappened]

Hurry up infatuation period! End!

That's out of your control. She might marry this guy and be holding his hand as they walk in the park when they're 70.

 

What you need to do immediately is NOT know what's going on in her life. Drop all forms of social media (trust me, you'll live).

 

Tell every friend and family member that you do not want to hear ANYTHING about her, past or present.

 

Get rid of every trigger in your house, vehicle, office, etc. that reminds you of her. I got rid of everything immediately.

 

Continue therapy and continue working on the only thing you can control, YOU.

 

Stop trying to compare, figure out, demonize, rationalize, hope, hate, etc. Truly plant it in your head that she died. Of course you know she didn't, but try to pound that into your skull.

 

You say you don't want her back. Stop acting like she matters (I know the hurt and pain and that she in fact DOES matter and the pain is real) but stop acting like it. Do you. That's literally all you can do.

 

She's not going to leave your mind in 15 minutes, 15 days, or even 15 months. But, in 15 months after absolute NC, you'll be a different person with a completely different mindset. Who knows, you may even be with the right person and only think of this ex a couple times a week for 15 seconds.

 

Focus is on you now, not on her or her short-comings.

[GoBroncs1983]

A me update:

 

First of all, STH, thank you for that blunt reply on 3/25. It didn't scare me off of this forum, and it made me put things in perspective.

 

I had my most productive therapy appointment yet on Monday, as my therapist continued to probe (in my emotions, not anywhere else, thank you very much) the very question that most of you have posed to me - why am I NEEDING that closure/wash my hands moment with my ex?

 

I went out to dinner last week (platonic) with a friend (a female friend I basically wasn't allowed to talk to for 5 years due to my ex's jealousy) and she put it in perspective - my ex on SIX different occasions told me she was sorry and made a mistake leaving me, and wanted me back. Obviously, she was projecting to me each time she said it, making a "grand gesture" as my therapist said. So WHY would her saying it one more time to me in the future mean anything, especially if I wouldn't take her back? She would just end up leaving me again anyway if I did.

 

My therapist said it another way - Several people have told me she is making a mistake, I know that she is making a mistake, why do I need HER to admit she is making a mistake? She's basically a 5-year-old child! Someone that age is going to make a ton of mistakes, and only growing up and maturing will stop that. Given my ex is permanently in victim mode and refuses to get help, this will continue. So WHY do I need her to learn a lesson? She's a child!

 

I think a lot of my angst and frustration has been that no one in my personal life (other than a few close friends) knew what I was dealing with for years. Well, and all of you here, too. When I fell back into my hole (post #83 on page 6) I did post a Facebook status (my ex and I are NOT friends on there but share many mutual ones) just admitting the facts - that this has happened seven times, that she has cried and begged me to take her back before, etc. I just couldn't let her flaunt some new guy AGAIN and just sit there, you know? I received MANY messages of overwhelming support. I posted a couple of days later (the last time I spoke about it publicly, it's not like I'm going on there daily and bashing her) saying I accepted the help of therapy, and received MANY more messages and comments of support. It felt so good to say it all out loud, that I was shaking.

 

And here I am now. I know I said I wouldn't date for a LONG time, but well......there is a friend of mine that I have known for about 8 years, since before I met my ex. I hid all of my recent emoting on Facebook from her, all she knows is my ex and I broke up. We used to work together and got along pretty well, but she had a boyfriend, then I was with my ex. Plus, she was a female, which meant I couldn't be too close to her without my ex's laser-vision burning a hole. I reached out to her shortly after the last breakup, and went to a fundraiser she was hosting. She is the same age as my ex (25) but holds a pretty significant political position (not elected, support staff) in our city and has a Master's Degree. I watched her speak to a room of 200 people and I was quite taken. Here is someone who doesn't play the victim and has made great progress in her life. We have hung out a couple of times and she wants to see me again. And I want to see her again. And unlike the girl (and that is what she is, a girl) that caused this thread to be created, it's going slowly, and smoothly. Yes, it's an adjustment. I'm not texting her all day every day and we didn't have sex immediately (in fact, not at all yet), but there is an attraction there. Who knows what will happen, but it feels good right now.

 

And my ex? I didn't want to say anything about her, but......

 

She has been "liking" various comments I have left on mutual friends' stuff on Facebook. This is what she did last fall to test the waters before recycling me back in. I briefly dropped my "no info" Facebook blackout and asked a friend if she has been posting anything insinuating a breakup with Mr. Replacement. He said no, but she is back to being VERY negative again, and posted several statuses last weekend, and one on Sunday night that said "What an emotionally fueled weekend! I cried, fought, started my period, ate too much, barely slept...." and said her sister was briefly in the hospital. I have no doubt she "fought" with Replacement, and the fact that she's posting such blunt info about starting her period and eating too much (I've mentioned how she is about her weight).......she used to just tell me those things. Now she's posting them to Facebook, fishing for sympathy. I mean, ladies, do you post to the world when it's that time of the month? Or do you only share that with who needs to know? Yes, (I'm just going to say it) it might have been PMS related, but still.....something tells me Mr. Jokester Replacement isn't soothing her enough. Good luck dude, you now have what I put up with.

 

No contact/reaction from me. As I told my therapist (and she agreed), my best weapon against her is my silence.

 

She hasn't contacted me, but I'm waiting for that moment. Yeah, it may not happen, and I'm becoming more okay with that. Seeing her chaos is happening even with him was a godsend for me. Downtown, I had honestly settled in for 3-6 months of infatuation - maybe because she has been friends with him has shortened it? Or maybe she's just nuts. But yeah, I still want to hear from her.

 

And I will tell her off, let her know I've met someone else, and send her on her way if it happens. I did Google Mr. Replacement's name and found that his wife did indeed file for divorce (he is the respondent, so it was not jointly filed) around the time my ex dumped me. I know you don't usually break up and file for divorce the same day, so he had been single for a bit before the breakup. I don't want to assume that my ex cheated on me with him, and I don't want to assume she had anything to do with the divorce, but.....well. But as I said before, if he was two weeks out from being dumped when he started dating my ex, that's not a good relationship, emotionally. And seeing my ex's chaos bubbling back up makes me VERY happy. And I'm not ashamed to say it. I feel sorry for HIM, too. He is going through what I have been through many times with his ex wife, and is looking for that immediate affection and love. A rebound, but I'm sure he doesn't want it to last only a short time. He picked just about the worst person to rebound with.

 

I feel pretty good. My professional life is at an all time high, and my personal life is recovering. I'm going to continue going to therapy, and hopefully continue to gather strength in that department as well. I hope to return here soon and provide another positive update. There will NOT be a "my ex cried and I took her back" update - no way. But if I get that closure (which yes, I still want - not as much as before, but I still want) I will post about that, too. But for now, I'm focusing on myself, my job, and my new lady friend.

 

Thanks for reading this.

Edited April 2, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[Downtown]

Downtown, I had honestly settled in for 3-6 months of infatuation - maybe because she has been friends with him has shortened it?

Whether it is 3, 6, or 12 months really doesn't matter as far as you are concerned. As for her, I wish her all the happiness in the world. If she is a BPDer as you believe, she has been burdened with a painful disorder since early childhood. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

 

But if I get that closure (which yes, I still want - not as much as before, but I still want) I will post about that, too.

"Closure" -- i.e., that feeling of resolution and finality -- must come from your own understanding, not from the last words coming out of your Ex's mouth. If she is a BPDer, she is so emotionally unstable that her perception of you likely will change radically over time. Hence, in six months' time -- or even in six weeks -- she may well believe the opposite of what she is saying today.

[GoBroncs1983]

Downtown, I look forward to every word you post here, but for once, I'm aware.

 

My ex on six different occasions cried and told me she had made a mistake in dumping me, and wanted me back. And six times (seven breakups total) she still pushed me away after saying those words.

 

She sat on her couch in October and sobbed hysterically after I told her I didn't hate her for sleeping with (another) co-worker (after she dumped me first to keep it nice and tidy). She then promised to be with me forever, to move to Seattle (my preferred city) with me, to get married, to have children. She had the NAMES of our children picked out. She said she would be a stay at home mom. We went to New York in December and held hands as we walked through Central Park and jokingly talked about having our wedding there.

 

Two weeks after coming back home, with no warning, she told me she was intentionally trying not to talk to me, so she could eventually stop caring about me. I know it can change in an instant.

 

I have beat myself up countless times over this current replacement. I was the one who recommended that she apply at her current job - the job where she met him. If only I hadn't suggested that place, I told myself. But then I remembered the BPD. She would have found someone at her old job. Or at a bar, or anywhere. She would have pushed me away and had a replacement lined up no matter what.

 

She felt engulfed after NYC (that trip was literally perfect for us, and thus too much good times for her) and treated me like crap. I in turn didn't put up with her crap and told her so. Then she felt abandonment was coming, and to her credit this time, I was THAT close to ending things. The BPD fear meter was rapidly bouncing back and forth. Suddenly Forrest Gump the security guard didn't look so bad after all. Then his wife left him. Presto!

 

The two things I currently require for closure (to help in my recovery) are knowing that her chaos is still happening with him, and to know that she misses me. I suppose having her like my mutual friend Facebook comments and also comment on those statuses too (on Monday, for a few hours, I had a slew of notifications with her photo) shows that she at least considers me at that moment. And seeing her posting her usual victim stuff on Facebook (and allude to arguing with him) helps me, too. And having someone else who is interested in me helps me not think about her, too. I'm getting there. But yes, I still long for her to reach out, so I can tell her no. Then she can go date 40 guys over 40 months, split me blacker than black, and never speak to me again.

 

My hope is that I get to a point where I don't want that. My therapist certainly wants that for me, and I know all of you do, too.

[jt27]

I am going to be blunt here Bronco. I apologize in advance.

 

I did Google Mr. Replacement's name and found that his wife did indeed file for divorce

 

Imagine if this new girl you're seeing found out that you have been googling your ex's new boyfriend. You think she'd run for the hills? Yup. What if it was reversed, would you stick around? Nope.

 

You can't always control your thoughts about your ex but can control what you do that keep you tied to her. Doing these things is really delaying your healing and will continue to set you back. Can you not see that?

 

The two things I currently require for closure

 

You think by getting this closure you think you need that all of sudden you'll immediately be able to move on? Not likely. You will then think you need something else. It's like a hydra, cut off one head and two more appear. Get two questions answered, more will appear. Be careful what you wish for.

 

Besides that, how can you even trust her if she says she misses you? You know damn right well that can change on a dime anyway.

 

You may think you require these things for closure, but you really don't. By wanting this, you are keeping yourself in a perpetual state of madness. I miss my ex from time to time and sometimes I really miss her but I deserve better. So do you. You talk about this new girl then in the same breath talk about what your ex is doing. Is that fair to this new woman?

 

But yes, I still long for her to reach out, so I can tell her no.

 

Do you really want that temptation? It would be akin to a heroin addict having the drug show up in his mailbox. You will be faced with a decision and temptation to go back for that high or return it to sender. You probably say you are stong enough to send it back, but are you really? You are still obviously emotionally involved with her. Is this so you can prove to yourself that you don't need her? If that's the case, you can do that by just cutting her off.

 

The best revenge you can get is to live a happy life WITHOUT her.

 

I don't want to come of as a jerk here but it's out of your control Bronco. You can control your own actions and that means cutting your ties to her off COMPLETELY...then your closure will actually start. Start by getting off Facebook.

 

We all want to see a happy ending for you.

[GoBroncs1983]

Get two questions answered, more will appear.

 

I'm aware of that. When I thought she may contact me earlier this week, I actually FEARED my phone buzzing. I've gotten to a good place where I am no longer used to my phone vibrating every five minutes. I really do feel better than post #83. I know it seems odd, but hearing that she is fighting with him helps me. Did Googling him help? Probably not, other than seeing his wife was the one who left him. I knew he was getting divorced. I'm not paying $49.99 for a background check. That's the last I will look into that guy's life. I know all I need to know about him, and I know that my ex is starting to see those things as well.

 

Besides that, how can you even trust her if she says she misses you?

 

That's what my friend said last week, and both of you are right. It's validation that I don't really need. I know she isn't going to change. She will be this way forever. And yes, she will split me back again regardless of if I ignore her, or if I took her back immediately.

 

Do you really want that temptation?

 

I can say that I have no interest in contacting her. Having the weapon of silence feels empowering and great. If she texted me right now, I have no idea what I would say. And yes, my new girl would keep me thinking even longer about that choice. I value her. And being strictly NC with my ex shows that. Yeah, I've had a couple of people fill me on on her, and yeah, I did some sleuthing on the replacement guy, but at this moment, I don't care if they get married next week, or if they break up. I've seen that she still struggles.

 

I am living my life without her. For most of the life of this thread, I thought about her every single day, even when we weren't together. I rarely do that now. And with all due respect to those of you who are telling me to just let go, I am two months removed from a BPD relationship. jt27, like you said, it takes TIME. I'm better than I was in 2013, 2014, and a month ago. I'm getting there. No, I'm not there yet, but I will be. The title and reason for this thread was so I could UNDERSTAND why my ex behaves the way she does. Through this forum, therapy, friends, I see her for what she truly is. When I started this thread, I was secretly hoping she would want me back. Now, I'm prepared to never see her again, and want to get to a point where I don't want to hear from her.

 

I'm close. Really. More so than ever.

Edited April 2, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[BC1980]

I feel like you are still too interested in your ex to be starting something new. That was my gut reaction when you said that you were starting to like another woman. You are still so interested in dissecting your past relationship that it's clear you aren't anywhere near recovered from this. I remember being like you. I would dissect my ex's actions, and I would talk a lot to other people about it to get their opinions. I slowly started to notice that I wasn't interested anymore, and, now, if you asked me about him, I don't even have the energy to go there. I think you need to get to that point before you try to date again.

[frigginlost]

I feel like you are still too interested in your ex to be starting something new. That was my gut reaction when you said that you were starting to like another woman. You are still so interested in dissecting your past relationship that it's clear you aren't anywhere near recovered from this. I remember being like you. I would dissect my ex's actions, and I would talk a lot to other people about it to get their opinions. I slowly started to notice that I wasn't interested anymore, and, now, if you asked me about him, I don't even have the energy to go there. I think you need to get to that point before you try to date again.

 

Completely agree. Regardless that she was a friend with you for years, I too feel you are way to involved with the dynamics of your current ex. Things about it still bother you. When it's not even a second thought is when you should start dating again. In my humble opinion of course...

[jt27]

If she texted me right now, I have no idea what I would say...And yes, my new girl would keep me thinking even longer about that choice. I value her.

 

Simply put...if you truly value her, then you should really not have to think at all about that choice.

 

Having a new woman to think about feels good though, right? It helps realize that you are on your way to healing for sure and helps build your confidence back up but just be sure you are in it for the right reasons.

 

Are you really ready for a "new girl"? If you truly aren't ready, it isn't fair to the other person. It's not fair to you either. You are doing some good things but are you really ready for a relationship? Like I said in my previous post...if you were her, would you get into a relationship with you right now?

 

I am actually in a similar situation as you. I have known a woman for years. She is actually one of my best friend's sister, so though we haven't talked about my ex, I am sure my friend told her how damaged I am. We went out about a month ago, but I haven't seen her again since (I will again). We still text occasionally but I have to make sure I don't carry too much baggage in...for both our sakes.

 

I dated someone a few months ago and looking back, I wasn't ready even though I thought I was. It got hot and heavy quickly and showed me I wasn't ready when it ended. I carried too much baggage into it.

 

I really like this woman and I value her, just like you say you do with this "new girl" of yours, so it would not be fair to her for me to get involved with her if I have any emotional connection towards my ex. I don't think I do anymore, but I have to be sure and since I respect her, I don't want to cheat her. So going slow is best.

 

And that's the thing Bronco - if you get involved too soon with someone, you will not only cheat her, but you will cheat yourself as well. You need to make sure are ready to give a new relationship your all. It's the right thing to do. Otherwise, you're just being selfish.

 

At the very least, you should take it extremely slow with this new girl...for both your sakes. You say she was already a friend so it most likely wouldn't be a fling.

 

Even though you are getting better, in your current mental state, the end of a new relationship with someone you like could really set you back. I hope that this new girl isn't just masking your emotions towards your ex (i.e. rebound). If so, and the relationships ends, you will be in pieces all over again.

 

it takes TIME

 

Damn right it does. A lot of time. TIME to work on yourself. Being 2 months removed from a relationship with someone that is possibly BDP is an incredibly short amount of time to get involved with someone new. For me it took almost a year and I can only speak from experience but from what I read after 2 months, the connection is still strong with your ex. Everyone heals at different rates but it just seems way too early to have someone new. I hope you don't do it just to fill a void.

 

Maybe ask your therapist if he/she thinks it's a good idea right now to get involved with someone else right now. I think we all know the answer to that though.

 

I don't want to sound like I am lecturing you Bronco, I just want to see you succeed in getting over your ex and not sure getting into another relationship right now is in your best interest.

 

I'm close. Really. More so than ever.

 

"close" being the operative word here.

 

Be careful.

[GoBroncs1983]

jt27, again, thank you for your feedback. It seems that you went through the same situation emotionally that I am right now, and your advice is well appreciated. I do hear you.

 

I have no doubt my ex was trying to get me to contact her last week. She liked a comment I left on Facebook, then commented herself with something that was definitely intended to get a rise out of me, to where I would reach out to her. I didn't. She had just had a terrible weekend and a fight with my replacement, and for the first time since our breakup, was acknowledging my existence. I know it was intentional. I didn't contact her, and well, she posted MORE photos of her and my replacement over this past weekend. She tested the waters with me, got no response, and swam back to her current safe house.

 

The GB who started this thread in 2013 would have contacted her. The GB of 2015 didn't, and won't. I'm proud of that, even if it meant her going back to love bombing the world with the new guy.

 

My therapist said today that I struggle with RELATIONSHIPS ending without my control. I am aware of this - I mentioned a high school best friend who spent nearly EVERY day with me, but then I graduated a year before him, he went back for his senior year......and I never heard from him again. Not until a decade later when we reconnected on Facebook, and even then it was just a Facebook friendship. I didn't understand how he could just stop talking to me like that.

 

I've never experienced abandonment or loss, like of a parent or sibling (only child), so this is interesting for me to dive into. My therapist would like me to undergo psychological testing for various personality disorders (talk about a wake up call) but she has said that I am incredibly self aware that I have issues I need to work on - she said most people just blame everything and everyone else, playing the victim. Gee, sounds familiar.

 

I want to date. Knowing that I can spend time with someone who likes me and likes spending time with me is a great ego boost, and the excessive caregiver in me enjoys making someone else happy. But I need to be happy, myself. The current girl I'm seeing started the process. She asked me to an event she's throwing (expensive tickets, and she's comping one for me). We hung out and had dinner, and three hours went by. Not once did I think of my ex. However, I still struggle. We had plans for tomorrow, but her schedule got in the way at the last minute. I was a lot more despondent than I should be at this point. I am relying on her and time with her too much for my own happiness. It IS going quite slowly. Unlike my ex, I'm not going to find a naive, damaged person and love bomb them into a serious relationship overnight. If I am going to be in a relationship with someone, it's going to be because of who she is. Not because I need her, or to get back at my ex. This girl is smart and mature. I'm trying to adjust to having someone who doesn't require my attention. It's interesting.

 

I remember when the other serious relationship in my life ended - the mother of my daughter. Now, I had reasons to dislike her, we ended up in court over my lack of parenting time, but I can remember feeling sad that the relationship (3 years) ended. Eventually, the court battles and her terrible attitude convinced me that she wasn't a good person. My recent ex never did that. She broke up with me because she felt she HAD to, not because she didn't want to be with me. That's why seeing her with someone else is so tough.

 

But what I did with my child's mother was decide that the best way to get back at her was to make my own life better. I went to school and got my degree, I landed good jobs before settling into my current one, and I'm the happiest I have ever been, professionally. My child's mother? She had another child, and has been horribly in debt for years. She was living in an extended stay hotel for a year. They currently live in a pit of an apartment, where they all sleep in the living room. I should take her back to court but.....she's getting married to the new baby daddy this weekend. And I couldn't care less. I know I'm better off without her in my life.

 

And that is where I want to be with my current ex. It's still a fresh breakup. She went into survival mode and surrounded herself with co-workers she regularly complained about to me - but now they are her best friends. She started dating a guy she regularly complained about to me, but now she can't stop taking photos with him. Everyone in her current life wasn't there six months ago. What a chameleon. A BPD chameleon.

 

I need to stop relying on Facebook posts. She's going to portray whatever she wants to. She's an emotional person, and last weekend showed that. But she can recover and make sure she isn't alone. What an exhausting life!

 

I'm not there yet, but I'm close. I know I said that last time, but I want to keep working on it. I was thinking - my life was okay before I met her, I wasn't looking for a relationship. Then she appeared, loved EVERYTHING about me, and love bombed me into thinking I had found my soul mate. Just like she is doing right now. I'm too impatient to think it won't eventually implode. She would have kept on with the college kid had I not contacted her. She would have kept on with the co-worker LAST year had I not answered her pleas. And I haven't contacted her yet (one month and counting) and she's doing everything she can to convince the world how happy she is. I was with her for five years. She was rarely happy for long. It's silly of me to think she spends all day, every day, with a smile on her face.

 

I will make myself happy. It might be with my new lady, and it might not be. But I'm going to make choices that lead to that goal. And none of them will involve my ex.

[jt27]

Wow, Bronco, I must say what you said is very encouraging. There was a calmness in the last post that has been absent if others. Good stuff.

 

I'm glad to hear you didn't give in to your ex's silly attempt to draw your attention. I imagine that felt pretty empowering!

 

I'm trying to adjust to having someone who doesn't require my attention. It's interesting.

 

Dude, bingo. This is the baggage I dragged into the relationship I had after my ex. It really is a shame because I really liked her but due to my "natural" response to things, she got scared off. I don't blame her and honestly, I probably needed it. After that ended, I really saw where I had to improve in my approach to relationships, seeing my baggage more clearly.

 

It really is nice to feel wanted again which is probably why I got a little too ahead of myself with the woman after my ex. We had INSTANT chemistry, were really into each other and basically saw each other every weekend for almost 2 months (she has a 2 yr old and was going to school full time). It too probably moved too fast and I ended up falling into my old habits that were developed with my ex. I went into "white knight" mode due to her being stressed out a lot due to her situation, and tried to make sure she was taken care of. You know, rescue the damsel in distress and all. We were only dating 2 months and I was already putting her needs before my own but unlike my ex, she didn't need it. Whoaaaaa. Not good. Subconciously thinking "Oh no! If she doesn't need me, she won't want me!"

 

I even knew during the time with her that she was different than my ex being much more independent, but I just reacted to things like I would with my ex without even realizing it.

 

This is the reason why I am taking things so slowly with my buddy's sister. I want to make sure I don't make the same mistake again. Though I am over my ex, I want to make sure that her "influence" doesn't affect me in regards to a new woman. We all have baggage but I don't want it to sabatoge something possibly really good with someone I already care about.

 

This is why I am apprehensive when I hear you speaking of getting involved with a new woman. I know I am only speaking from my own experience, but old habits die hard especially coming from a relationship with a BPDer. Slow is the word for sure. You are ahead of me as far as realizing the possibility of BPD this soon after your break up and the effect it has on you. As much as I think it's a bad idea to get involved now, you are your own man and will do what you want.

 

I am incredibly self aware that I have issues I need to work on - she said most people just blame everything and everyone else, playing the victim.

 

This is why people like you and I will eventually have a successful relationship and why people like our exes never will and why they repeat the same mistakes. It takes true strength to look back and take some blame, recognize your flaws and take the resposibility to do something about them. It takes courage to look deep inside yourself and realize you need to improve. This is something our exes lack, which is why they will always think it's someone else's fault - ignorance is bliss. Be proud of yourself Bronco.

 

If it's always someone else's fault, how do you ever learn about yourself? This is where our exes will always come up short. They cannot evolve. To evolve you need to admit to your mistakes and learn from them - this is impossible if you are always the victim. I think this is a big part of why they can jump right back into another relationship. Just like your ex always did and why I am sure my ex did too. If they did nothing wrong, why reflect or work on your own issues? And if you don't need the time to reflect, why wait to get into another relationship?

 

You realize that your despondency is an after-effect of being with your ex. That will allow you to evolve.

 

she's doing everything she can to convince the world how happy she is.

 

If you are truly happy with yourself, you won't feel the need to advertise it or prove it - you'll just be happy. There is that need for reassurance again.

 

You sound better Bronco. Keep it up!

[GoBroncs1983]

Thanks again jt. My progress has been immensely helped by posts from you and others. I would not be where I am without this thread. I don't even want to think where I would be.

 

If you want a good example as to where I am now, and where I was when I started this thread…..

 

When I first posted here, it was fresh out of the first breakup with my ex where she found a replacement. I secretly wanted her back, even though I said I didn’t. A week after finding out about the new guy, I was introduced to a friend of a friend, a female that was totally into me, just like my ex was. It felt great. We went out a few times, eventually slept together (NOT on the first date like my ex does, ha) and for about a week, I felt pretty good.

 

But I still missed my ex. This girl was filling a void. I was trying to make it work, but she was needy, had baggage, and craved my attention. Being with her just made me miss my ex more. We went to a concert together but with separate friends, she got drunk and texted/called me a dozen times that night to hang out, slurring and all. I decided then that this wasn’t someone I wanted to be with, and broke up with her the next day. That is when I reached out to my ex, and the recycle began.

 

Fast forward to now. I’m seeing a girl slowly and casually, our work schedules are getting in the way. She’s “normal” in the sense that she has other things and interests that aren’t me. I’m not her whole world. And that’s fine.

 

I was also introduced to a friend of a friend last week. I was given her number, and decided to text her. Yeah, I’m kind of playing the field, but eh. She answered, and we began talking. In the four days we have spoken/texted, she has asked me to review a cover letter for her, sent me photos of cakes she has baked for a competition, and well, every text has at least one “lol” in it. She’s nice, sweet, and looks to be a good, but damaged person. And I'm suddenly needed again. It would be easy to fall right back into what I had with my ex.

 

I say this honestly, and I’m NOT this kind of guy…..but if I wanted to sleep with her tomorrow, I could. I’ve “known” her (via text) for four days. Everything I’m saying is hilarious and awesome. Two years ago, that was music to my ears (well, eyes).

 

Now, I look at it and see red flags everywhere. I see the same situation as with my ex. No way. I’ll talk to her and be friendly, but it won’t go any further. Could I get laid if I wanted to? Sure. Could I enter into a relationship with her and post photos all over Facebook? Absolutely. Would they get a ton of likes? Yup, especially right now. But I don’t want that, and I don’t need that.

 

My ex does. She chose a damaged guy who was just dumped by his wife. The other two replacement guys were young and naïve and desperate for a girlfriend. She’s a beautiful girl – it isn’t hard for her to find someone if she tries. She’s filling a void with someone else. I’m filling the void in other ways. Constructive ways.

 

About the only thing that is currently bothering me is how she is portraying her new relationship as perfect and awesome. Just be honest! You broke up with me, and you are hanging out with this guy and having a good time. Nope, it’s a serious relationship and they are in love. God, I hope people are seeing through it all. I know, I know, not my concern.

 

Just for the record....her caption on that Facebook photo she took of the two of them? "I profusely apologize for how adorable we are!" Good lord......so desperate for validation.

 

Anyway, talking to this girl via text kind of opened my eyes to my ex’s thought process. If I wanted a girlfriend right now, I could have one. But unlike her, I want the RIGHT relationship.

Edited April 7, 2015 by GoBroncs1983

[jt27]

You sound much better Bronco. It's good to see. This site helped me tremendously after my break up as well. I actually met someone (about a year ago) that I still communicate with. I suppose there is a silver lining in everything if you look hard enough.

 

It seems from your words, you've come a long way and that you are really getting better. Good for you.

 

She’s “normal” in the sense that she has other things and interests that aren’t me. I’m not her whole world. And that’s fine.

 

And this is the way it should be. You can't put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket. It will only end badly. I remember I told my ex once that "we are together but seperate". I really don't think she understood what I meant, just looking at me blankly when I said it. Like it's been discussed, someone with BDP doesn't see the other person as separate from them. Looking back, I think this triggered her abandonment fear, thinking I would just leave her eventually. Another thing that probably made her leave me before she thought I would leave her. The next woman needs to understand this rationale and agree with it.

 

It seemed that my ex interpreted me as doing things that I loved to do or hang out with my friends without her as not wanting to be with her. She had no friends or interests outside of us, so she couldn't relate and misinterpreted it and it triggered her fear. Such a shame to be like this. They miss out on so much and put so much pressure on us. It's too much of a burden for us to bear.

 

Like you said about red flags. Being with someone like our exes is like taking the accelerated course in relationship no-nos.

 

She’s a beautiful girl – it isn’t hard for her to find someone if she tries.

 

My ex is pretty as well. She won't have a hard time getting a date. I wonder if most of those with BPD are attractive. It would be much harder to get the attention they require if they didn't look like they did. It doesn't matter now but not as many guys would want to rescue the unattractive woman and it's a lot easier to play the victim (and get away with it) if you are pretty. Sad but true.

 

she is portraying her new relationship as perfect and awesome

 

Because in her mind, it is perfect and awesome. It won't be as soon as that honeymoon period ends though.

 

Glad to hear you are taking things slowly with this new woman. Relationships evolve at their own pace and shouldn't be forced or rushed. I'm glad you can see that. It may sound simple but it's not as easy to see when coming from a relationship such as with our exes - which is why we are at risk for repeating the same mistake. It took some trial and error for me first haha.

 

Good luck with her.