Need coping with being ugly

[PaigeFerrel411]

It is officialI am cursed. I am stuck being the ugly Black girl for the rest of my life. Itried getting a weave, lightening my skin, and changing my wardrobe but nothingworks. I got a weave but it just looked fake on me because of my facestructure. I got these creams and remedies to lighten my skin but my skin tonehas not changed. I know that White girls like to tan to get darker but theirgoal is to get nice light brown skin nobody wants dark brown skin. Anyway, Ialso got a different style but pretty clothes on an ugly body is not reallypretty at all. I wanted to change my style simply to have more confidence butmy body is so ugly that the clothes did not draw attention away. I wanted tolighten my skin because dark skin is considered a masculine trait which is whydark skin is claimed to be only attractive on men. I wanted to get a weavebecause as you all know being Black my hair is coarse/kinky and a nightmare tolook at and maintain. If I had the money I would have also gotten plasticsurgery to fix my hideous full/broad facial features that are looked at asunfeminine since they are so huge. I really hate the fact that I was bornBlack. I would have been happy if I were born any other race (Mixed, White,Asian, Latina or Indian) since they tend to have light colored skin, morefeminine/delicate facial features and nicer manageable hair. If I was born adifferent race or was at least mixed I would have had more of a chance atlooking decent.

 

In this world light skin is prettierthan dark skin, delicate facial features are prettier than huge/broad facialfeatures, and straight/curly hair is prettier than coarse/kinky hair – that’sjust the way it is. Of course not everybody thinks this way but a vast majorityof people do. Black girls being the complete opposite are deemed the leastattractive because of their dark skin, coarse/kinky hair, and full/broad facialfeatures. This is why men, even a majority of the Black men, usually are withlighter skinned girls. People always say “It’s hard to find a pretty Blackgirl…she usually has to be mixed to be pretty”. I am so jealous of those lightskinned sleek haired girls. Why couldn’t I have been one of them? Maybe evenjust for a day so I know what it feels like to be pretty/beautiful. I am cursedbeing born both ugly and as the least attractive race. Many people who arepretty/beautiful always tell me “to love myself” like it is so simple.Obviously it is easy for them since they are attractive but they have no ideahow it feels when you are the two worst possible things – ugly and Black. I amsick of being bullied because how awful I look. I will never love myself beingthis ugly but at the same time I need to cope with ugly. What are ways copingwith this curse? I know people say stuff like “everyone is beautiful in theirown way”, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, “it is what’s on the insidethat counts” and they are nice comments but don’t help in the real world.

[Nyclovin]

It sucks to be ugly. I'm pretty ugly too . Just do the best you can . Try and love yourself despite being ugly . Be grateful for the few things that are good about you. Live your life.

[AnnaAnna]

Being light skinned will not make you pretty. It's all how you feel about yourself from inside. You have to accept and love the body you have.

[chinacat sunflower]

This pains me to read this.

May I ask, how old are you?

 

Think for a second: It's not 1960 anymore....many women have been through hell and back for US to be where we're at right now. This isn't about race. It's about women in general. Stand up for yourself and be proud for you are. And be grateful it's not 1960 anymore, because it would be a LOT worse.

 

Dark skin IS beautiful. And us white chicks, start to age way sooner than women with darker skin. Just saying.

[Zoyalover]

Paige, it really pains me to hear that you are having such difficulty accepting who you are. I know it can be rough especially if no one ever told you you were beautiful growing up. That's where you come in. You have to be as strong as you can be and tell yourself that you are. After all, it is what's on the inside that counts the most. Your heart is precious and you seem like you are a very open person. Open to living, and having new experiences... I hope that you can consider this a new journey; start small with little things like looking in the mirror and saying "I love you no matter what." And forget the weaves gurl! It's all about natural hair these days. Find you some good natural hair care products that work for your hair texture and don't stop until you find the right ones!! Try Oyin Handmade, they are awesome! I hear Miss Jessies is good too! Keep your funky fresh style too, but work on your insides, that is what will help you the most.

 

I hope that helps... I'll be praying for you gurl.

 

-Z

[Shaun-Dro]

It is officialI am cursed. I am stuck being the ugly Black girl for the rest of my life. Itried getting a weave, lightening my skin, and changing my wardrobe but nothingworks. I got a weave but it just looked fake on me because of my facestructure. I got these creams and remedies to lighten my skin but my skin tonehas not changed. I know that White girls like to tan to get darker but theirgoal is to get nice light brown skin nobody wants dark brown skin. Anyway, Ialso got a different style but pretty clothes on an ugly body is not reallypretty at all. I wanted to change my style simply to have more confidence butmy body is so ugly that the clothes did not draw attention away. I wanted tolighten my skin because dark skin is considered a masculine trait which is whydark skin is claimed to be only attractive on men. I wanted to get a weavebecause as you all know being Black my hair is coarse/kinky and a nightmare tolook at and maintain. If I had the money I would have also gotten plasticsurgery to fix my hideous full/broad facial features that are looked at asunfeminine since they are so huge. I really hate the fact that I was bornBlack. I would have been happy if I were born any other race (Mixed, White,Asian, Latina or Indian) since they tend to have light colored skin, morefeminine/delicate facial features and nicer manageable hair. If I was born adifferent race or was at least mixed I would have had more of a chance atlooking decent.

 

In this world light skin is prettierthan dark skin, delicate facial features are prettier than huge/broad facialfeatures, and straight/curly hair is prettier than coarse/kinky hair – that’sjust the way it is. Of course not everybody thinks this way but a vast majorityof people do. Black girls being the complete opposite are deemed the leastattractive because of their dark skin, coarse/kinky hair, and full/broad facialfeatures. This is why men, even a majority of the Black men, usually are withlighter skinned girls. People always say “It’s hard to find a pretty Blackgirl…she usually has to be mixed to be pretty”. I am so jealous of those lightskinned sleek haired girls. Why couldn’t I have been one of them? Maybe evenjust for a day so I know what it feels like to be pretty/beautiful. I am cursedbeing born both ugly and as the least attractive race. Many people who arepretty/beautiful always tell me “to love myself” like it is so simple.Obviously it is easy for them since they are attractive but they have no ideahow it feels when you are the two worst possible things – ugly and Black. I amsick of being bullied because how awful I look. I will never love myself beingthis ugly but at the same time I need to cope with ugly. What are ways copingwith this curse? I know people say stuff like “everyone is beautiful in theirown way”, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, “it is what’s on the insidethat counts” and they are nice comments but don’t help in the real world.

 

Beautiful black women are the best looking women in the world, in my honest opinion. They may not be the easiest to date, but they are certainly yummy between the sheets since I've had my share.

 

Your problem has nothing to do with your race but your negative attitude about your background and your inability to do something about it.

 

I guarantee you that all of this so-called ugliness is in your head and yours only.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I think black women are way hotter than white women, overall.

[StalwartMind]

Ouch, those are some pretty heavy and intense feelings you put out there, but I always appreciate people speaking their honest mind and not sugarcoating things up.

 

Where we are born, what skin color we have, how we look is "unfortunately" not up to us, but is all copyright the gene machine of our ancestors. I'm sure the vast majority of people would if they could, make themselves be incredibly "beautiful" if they had any choice in the creation. Call me different but, I appreciate the diversity among us all. If we all looked "perfect" and we all had the exact same thoughts, likings, preferences, you name it. I'm sorry to say but this place we call Earth, would be incredibly dull to me.

 

I'm sure like you said, you've heard many times people tell you that beauty is on the inside, which is genuinely true, even if we live in a world where all the media, makes you think otherwise, but let me tell you this. I would rather spend my life with someone whom makes me smile, laugh, cry, excited, motivated, feel passion, you name it, than with the most pretty person in the world whom did not make me feel a thing.

 

With that said, I'm not here to offend anyone whom solely base their relationship with anyone on how they look, but I tell you, I would of missed out of some amazing experiences and years of my life, if i had ruled out people based on how they look.

 

This may not make you feel any better about yourself, but seriously, don't let how you look stop you from doing or believing in anything. If you think (not saying you do) that no one would want a girl like you, you are are sorely mistaken, there are plenty of fine gentlemen out there whom I bet you would treat you royally good.

 

If you are young then it may take some years to realize certain things about yourself and people, but the absolute single worst thing you can do to yourself and anyone else, is underestimate fellow human compassion, understanding how someone can surprise you and flip your world upside down for the better.

[Outsider77]

I'd have to see what you actually look like to judge, but being black with black features and dark skin is definitely not equivalent to being ugly.

 

Attractiveness is more about a balance of features. Symmetry, health, and complexion are also important. A broad nose on a face with other features that match is going to look much better than on a face with more delicate features. A woman with delicate features only looks good if they all go together.

 

Dark brown skin is not ugly. That's just a current social ideal. In my opinion, those of all races can be beautiful. Each race has its own attributes. I am an artist, and I really pay attention to these things.

 

Black hair isn't ugly, it's just more difficult to deal with. If taken care of properly, it can be beautiful. It just requires more care.

 

You sound like you have a lot of self-loathing, and that is sad. I'm not black, but it sounds like it sucks because there is so much judgement based on things that don't really matter, like skin color.

[melell]

You know what, you have a body and a face, like 7 billion+ others.

You don't need to look a certain way to be beautiful. And that is the truth.

[FitChick]

Try wigs. My black friend wears wigs because she can't be bothered fixing her hair. Forget the weaves and extensions which will ruin your hair in the long run.

 

Diet and exercise for the body.

[Nikki Sahagin]

It's not easy to be happy with how you look in the cultures/societies that most of us come from.

 

We live in a world of falseness and artifice. Yes, physical attractiveness is important but so much emphasis is placed upon it that many people in my opinion lack personality, character, depth. They ONLY focus on there exterior.

 

I am not saying it is not a problem, as obviously it is a problem for you, and I believe to some extent or another, it is for most people.

 

But I believe what can help you is perspective.

 

Firstly, if you have your physical and mental health, you have much.

 

Secondly, beauty always has been and always will be in the eye of the beholder. Even if YOU do not feel you are beautiful, many people will. The problem is, you may not be able to accept that if it does not compute with how you feel about yourself.

 

It's not easy to be unhappy with how you look, but I believe there are ways you can feel better about this.

 

DO NOT compare to any standards or ideals as impossible as this may seem. We are all brainwashed by these. We are all different.

[RavenWolf]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm white and feel the same way. I feel ugly, do not have dainty features, and I'm not blond. From all I have seen and been through, I feel only blond petite girls are acceptable. And I will be neither.

 

I have actually seen some very beautiful black women, even those with very dark skin. In fact, black women are beautiful even larger and seem to be able to dress up their assets. I actually envy them.

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad about yourself. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. And I'm a white girl who feels super ugly because I'm not petite or blond or anything considered acceptable.

 

I have been working out and it makes me feel better about myself to be fitter, but I never get hit on or looked at. Start working out to maybe feel better about yourself fitness wise.

 

Hugs

[crederer]

Why do you feel being "whiter" is more attractive? I've never really heard of this outside of Michael Jackson. What is it that makes you think this? Being confident in yourself is the most attractive quality you can have.

 

Are you ashamed of being black?

[Phoe]

Please don't ever change your skin.

 

I think dark ebony skin is stunning.

[Lovely Kinkz_13]

Please look at this link.

Dark skinned women are beautiful too!

 

You are BEAUTIFUL and I dont need to know what you look like to tell you that. Your dark (radiant) skin tone, your curls and kinks, all make you who you are. I love every nap, curl, and kink in my hair! (Notice my username). We have so much versatility! If we want straight hair we flat iron it, we want curly we can do that too! Hair volume? We dont need any volumizing shampoo or holding spray for that! This isn't arrogance or boasting, but it seems like you've completely overlooked the beauty in being a black woman. We come in all different shapes, sizes, and colors! That's what makes us/ you unique!

 

You may already be familiar with these women. These are some of the dark skinned black women that I find absolutely gorgeous! Notice: they all have different tones, body shapes, hair textures etc.

 

Gabrielle Union

Lauren Hill

Kelly Rowland

Naturi Naughton

Keshia Knight Pulliam

Serena Williams

Jennifer Hudson

Keke Palmer

Brandy Norwood

India Arie

 

One last thing. I recommend listening to the song "Video" by India Arie. This song has been an anthem of mine since I was 12 years old (I'm 21) and it continues to provide the same motivation. LOVE YOURSELF! It starts with you! Find something you love about yourself internally and externally. Is it your almond shaped eyes, the curves in your hips, your smile, lips, small waist, curvy figure, gentle nature, compassion, fiery attitude, loving heart? We all experience the dreadful feeling of insecurity, but you have to fight and find a way to be content with yourself. If you dont love yourself, who will?

[HorseLuck]

I'm not sure your age, but you stated being bullied so I'm going to assume fairly young. I dealt with a lot of self-image issues from child-hood into adult-hood. It resulted in me never feeling feminine enough. But what represents feminism? Depending on where you are different social standards exist. There is no one definitive answer.

I think as you age it becomes significantly easier to accept who you are, inside and out. I know it sounds corny but it's true. I have curly hair which easily frizzes up. Trial and error has allowed me to learn how to manage it. I have olive toned skin and I've found myself wishing I was pale as a ghost on some days, or darker.

 

Bottom line: most of us want what we don't have.

 

How to cope?

 

Do things that allow you to feel good about yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, pamper yourself to getting your nails done, make-up. Practice positive affirmations before you go to bed or in the morning. You can also consider therapy.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Hey OP,

 

I am minded to say something to you, like to the guy who thought the big problem with his life, was his hair loss. When his big problem, was that he *thought* his big problem was his hair loss.

 

What people pick up on when they meet you is the myriad of small cues about yourself, whether you dress with care, how you react, how you talk and your attitude to yourself and others, and whether you appear to be focused on outward practical things and other people, or dwelling internally on your own issues.

 

Being black, unless you are living in 1960's Georgia, is not a problem.

 

Hell, you are a young woman. Youth is beautiful. Chances are you have nice eyes, or a beautiful smile if you let it, or a nice dirty laugh (one of my friends said that was the first thing he noticed about his wife).

 

In thirty years, you don't want to be looking back at this time when you have it all and thinking "Damn! What a fool I was to have wasted my time worrying about being black, instead of getting stuck into life".

 

PS Just suppose you were black, wide hipped, short flat nosed pockmarked skin like someone I used to work with, call her Sharon. She *knew* she was gorgeous without saying it... and lo, people around her took her at her own estimate of herself.

 

Also, what some people call ugly, others like. Look at those ancient clay figurines of women: really pronounced secondary sexual characteristics. There's that desire and others inside every man. There's no single taste in womanly beauty and it sure as hell isn't what is on women's magazines.

 

I'm not arguing. I'm just saying you have beauty even if you don't recognise it. And recognising it will make it blossom.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You'd be surprised how many women who are white, light-skinned/golden brown, straight-haired/curly...many of the things you mentioned that have absolutely no self-esteem...and on top of it, they are attractive women.

 

So if looking a certain way was the answer why do so many women feel bad about themselves?

 

You may not look the way you want to or have the skin color you'd prefer, but self-image is something that is relative to everyone, nobody had a choice or an option to look what they look like, they were simply born that way and had to make the best of it.

 

You're blaming your issues on a scape-goat, you've found a reason to justify why you should feel horrible about yourself, it's psychological mind-trick as to why you're down on your luck.

 

Even though you might not be the best looking person on the planet with the nicest body and skin...go outside and take a look around, you're not exactly seeing supermodels walking up and down the street...and guess what, most people don't see themselves as the perfect or even ideal of themselves, they can feel just as lowly as anyone else on the inside.

 

You've got to do more work on the inside so that person in the mirror isn't all that you see...you've got to see the person, and you've got to see who you are and what you represent, not just how you look....beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you can change how people see you by changing the way you feel about yourself, because nobody is going to value a person that thinks nothing of herself, even if she's beautiful....she'd simply get used then tossed to the side.

 

If you keep making yourself the victim and blaming all of your troubles and lack of success on your looks, then that's just the easy way out. You only need one person to think you are amazing, and that person might not be a gorgeous model themselves...but once you start looking at yourself at something more than what is skin deep, maybe you'll learn to see others in a new light as well...because eventually your @ss getting old, and those good looks can fade easily even if you have em and you don't even know it, sometimes by the the time people do realize it...it's already too late and they're left reminiscing into the past, wishing they felt better about themselves because now they realize they weren't half bad.

[seethrewthebs]

There is a video on Youtube from a Malcolm X speech. It's titled, "Who taught you to hate yourself?" You should watch it.

[brokenblade]

I am also hurt to read this, Paige. I have so much to say I don't know where to begin. I believe everyone is here for a reason. I also believe that outer features are not the best way to judge a person's beauty. It is really sad to not be appreciated for who you are and instead judged for what you look like.

 

I myself used to believe that I was ugly. (Can you believe that? Me, a guy, concerned about my appearance?) I've never seen a picture of you so I can't say for sure. I probably wouldn't recommend putting a picture up due to the creeps that are on the Internet.

 

A lot of people that think they are ugly for whatever reason tend to have a rather distorted view of themselves. In many cases, all that they needed to do was adjust their shape (maybe lose a few pounds or whatever).

 

To be honest, we can all sit there and tell you that you are beautiful, but if you don't believe it, we might as well be talking to a deaf person. In the end, you decide what you think about yourself. Even though, what you think about yourself has been influenced by external factors when you were younger. But as we get older, certain things other people say about us matter less, especially if it is positive. (At least that is how it is for me). If it is negative, for some reason there is much more weight, because it somehow reinforces us.

 

For some reason you are disgusted with yourself. You must do whatever you can to find out what it is about you that disgusts you. If you can find someone to talk with, preferably a counselor who can help you get to the root of your problem.

 

All I needed to do was to lose a little bit of weight and then all of a sudden that made a lot of difference in how society treated me.

 

Best wishes to you. Hang in there, and definitely do not change your skin tone. Dark skin is beautiful.

[petitefleur]

It's all in your head, sweetie. Many women of other ethnicities and complexions feel ugly and gross as well. I look at myself in the mirror and feel fat and disproportioned while my friends envy my body.

 

All I can say is think of how we only have one life to live; one chance to make the best you can out of the time you're in this world. So please don't spend most of your time thinking you're ugly and thinking about what others are thinking about you. Beauty also comes from within. Find a hobby, volunteer, do something that makes you feel helpful and valuable to this world. You'll feel better about yourself right away.