something to wait for?

[sges]

sorry this is long...ok, i met a guy 6 months ago. almost 30, fun and more honest and open than any guy i've ever met. he was very upfront about being divorced 1 yr. w a young kid, but he assured me all was fine and amicable, so i didn't worry. for a month we were intense, passionate and perfect. being w him is like nothing i've ever known. bam, one day to the next, he became distant--wasn't affectionate, wouldn't call or come over for days at a time. when i questioned, he'd always sit and talk very attentively, said he was stressed and suddenly things weren't so amicable anymore w his ex. he apoligized for his behavior and asked me to "hang in there", but it got worse. we went through 5 weeks of not talking.

 

eventually he called and apoligized for "freaking out" and we began hanging out again, but more casually. he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, can't give me "what deserve", blah blah, but the next 3 months consisted of us in this intense more-than-friends, yet not-"together" situation. we were together every day, and we'd stay up till dawn talking about anything and everything. he'd spend almost every night here. however, we weren't having sex(he said he was vulnerable and still not ready to commit and didn't want to "##### with his or my head"). this was fine w me, but eventually i suggested he not spend every night over--it wasn't healthy if he wasn't sure what he wanted. he respected this, and though he agreed that he's confused, he described enough amazing things about how he feels about us that i was like "ok, we can go a while longer and see. everything's fine." but he did say "you're ready to be w someone, i'm not. if you met someone else, i'd have to step aside because the world doesn't revolve around me."

 

in the month since then, he's withdrawn somewhat again. we'll go over a week b/w seeing each other. he seems to think everything's fine, like not seeing each other for 2 weeks doesn't change anything. true, when we're together it's just like no time has passed; it's just as fantastic and intense. he's even mentioned bringing his kid around and talks about taking trips w me later in the year. but i miss him wanting to be w me everyday and find it hard to understand that he doesn't want to. i suggested we not see/talk for a while, but he seemed shocked that there as any problem and didn't want this. i soso so understand that he's got issues i can't even fathom:divorce and a child! this is why i am patient and understanding and don't push. but i'm wondering if i'm being too understanding...

 

he has wondered aloud in intimate moments "what's wrong w me? why can't i commit to you now?" and also said that i might be true love, right in front of his face and he just doesn't know it yet. however, after all this time and the distance he's keeping, am i just too convenient? will he ever decide what he wants? should i insist on time apart? simply stop having sex? or should i not worry about not seeing him so much, just stay cool and figure that it's how he's dealing w stuff and continue to be patient? impt facts: we did start having sex again just before he backed off again, and i've realized that his divorce wasn't actually official until just after i met him (NY=1 yr. minimum seperation). i do love him, i do think he loves me, and i'm in no hurry. but i also don't want to waste my time...

[Tony T]

Youe relationship just started way too soon after his divorce. He is being kind to recognize this and spare you from being a rebound.

 

He really needs some time alone...but you have fallen in love. That's unfortunate.

 

It could take him a year or two to fully heal from his divorce. While you are a great diversion while he is in pain, you are actually retarding the healing process for him.

 

You will not get anywhere with him right now. Even though you love him a lot, you need to step back...way back...and give him some time to sort out his thoughts, to heal, to be ready for another relationship. There's no way to tell just how much time this will take. Everybody's different.

[Ed]

There are some good parts and bad parts to this relationship. It sounds like you are pretty compatible with each other. However, he is still confused about who he is and what he wants in life. He needs to do some real soul searching. It's up to him to do it. And he may not be able to, if he is too deeply involved with someone like you. It could be so easy for him to avoid making crucial choices about his future self, with so many potential distractions (i.e. girlfriend, child, ex-wife)

 

You are obviously concerned about the state of things. I would not wait around. I'm not saying I would necessarily stop seeing him, unless this would interfere with your ability to be open to other potential dating partners.

 

I just don't think he has any direction and if you want or need some direction, you are going to have to take the steering wheel and put it in gear. Otherwise, things will probably remain at an idle - in neutral.

[sges]

thanks fellas. i needed a male's perspective. i guess i kind of know those things, but it's so hard to step back when the other person convinces you they don't want that! (and it's hard when there is such an earnest friendship beneath it all. honestly 100% i think we will always be real friends. so i'm so tempted to say that i can just be purely friends for now until/if he's ready. but we all know this isn't really true at this point.) and i have considered before what ya'll say about him trying to do soul-searching and a gf being a distraction.

 

ed's suggestion is what i have been trying to do. i have some dates coming up. but it is a tricky balance. and i can do that i think, but i needed a guy's opinion on whether that's being too easy and understanding and letting him "have his cake and eat it too" (even though that's a stupid phrase!) i do think he tries to consider my feelings and tries to respect me in his decisions...but sometimes we can allow others to take advantage of us even if they don't mean to. i just want to make sure that doesn't happen.

Youe relationship just started way too soon after his divorce. He is being kind to recognize this and spare you from being a rebound. He really needs some time alone...but you have fallen in love. That's unfortunate. It could take him a year or two to fully heal from his divorce. While you are a great diversion while he is in pain, you are actually retarding the healing process for him. You will not get anywhere with him right now. Even though you love him a lot, you need to step back...way back...and give him some time to sort out his thoughts, to heal, to be ready for another relationship. There's no way to tell just how much time this will take. Everybody's different.